b0gard Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 i had a weird suspicion that my wife was cheating on me so i decided to see if i could get it out of her. after she denied it several times i still had the doubt in my mind so i broke into her phone. after finding out that she was i confronted her about it and she told me she was. i was heartbroken and angry at the same time. i asked her how many times she did it with him and she told me once. the one thing i cant seem to believe her in is that for 3 weeks after she slept with him she was basically sexting with him. she said she never slept with him but that one time. i asked her why did she continue to text him in that manner and she told me she liked the attention but still knew it was wrong. we've since decided to work it out but im not so sure if she was 100 percent honest with me. should i just let it go and work on our relationship or just continue to have the tiny doubt that she lied to me
losingmyground Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 I question my FWH until I was blue in the face. I also talked with the MOW. Got more out of my husband than I did her. I then spoke with the MOW's BS. While we figure that we cannot prove more than kissing. In my heart I accept that it could have been oral as well. That being said, he is safe as long as future information backs up what I have accepted and there is no further contact between the two of them. Any future involvement or a new OW/MOW means the end of our marriage. It is her responsibilty to be truthful and honest. You will probably get a lot of new information over the next few weeks/months. Brace yourself, it is hard to stay together. You will be furious, hurt and just blah. If she is a decent woman, she will take all that you have to give and then continue to work on herself. Good Luck and know that we are here if you need us.
Author b0gard Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 i found out this happened around 3-4 weeks ago and while i do feel better now i still hate the fact that these questions keep popping up in my head after the fact. i tell myself that it wont change the fact that she still cheated. i just go through these ups and downs and they suck
road Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 You are not out of the woods. Buy the book Surviving An Affair, by Dr Harley. Classic WW response to deny the admit to something to get the BH to stop asking questions. Chances are this PA went more then 3 weeks and WW did OM more then once. How did WW meet the OM? Who else knows about WW's affair? To get the whole truth from WW you need to schedule a polygraph test. Then tell WW the date and time for the test. As the day approaches WW will trickle truth you some more in the hopes to get you to cancel the test. Don't. WW complains that there is no more to tell you tell WW then there won't be a problem when she takes the test. Hope to hear back from you. 1
Author b0gard Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 You are not out of the woods. Buy the book Surviving An Affair, by Dr Harley. Classic WW response to deny the admit to something to get the BH to stop asking questions. Chances are this PA went more then 3 weeks and WW did OM more then once. How did WW meet the OM? Who else knows about WW's affair? To get the whole truth from WW you need to schedule a polygraph test. Then tell WW the date and time for the test. As the day approaches WW will trickle truth you some more in the hopes to get you to cancel the test. Don't. WW complains that there is no more to tell you tell WW then there won't be a problem when she takes the test. Hope to hear back from you. no one else knew about it. this was her co worker btw and hes no longer working there. when i ask her questions about it she answers them. but it just doesnt make any sense for her to tell me she felt guilty about it yet continue to text him in that manner. usually it starts out with texting and then the sleeping.
whichwayisup Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Are they in no contact mode right now or is she still texting him?
karnak Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Do you want to live with a woman who has shared her body with another guy, while lying to you and deceveing you? Only you can decide. Whatever you decide, just think carefully about your decision. Don't do anything in a hurry. Take your time and be good to yourself. 1
Radu Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 If you want to Reconciliate [R from now on], you need to do it like this : - do not accept blame for what she did, she is 100% guilty of her affair Both of you are guilty for what happened in the marriage untill then, but the affair is her own. - do not pull the R wagon, she needs to pull it - there will be no privacy anymore, she is not entitled to any form of trust - expose the affair to her close relatives if they are good friends of the family, if they will stick with her no matter what ... they might cause more damage - full NC with the OM; if she strays you file for divorce - consult a lawyer and draw up papers, but do not file them. Have them ready there ... plan B. - she will trickle truth you, and probably even continue her affair, make sure this gets punished somewhat - your duty is not to bury this and move along, that is called taking the hit for her ... you do not do this Normal R takes 2-5yrs, you will forgive but never forget. - consider a postnuptial if need be - save the information about the affair [proof] with a lawyer - if you have lawyer friends, ask them for advice on some unimportant legal matter ... so they can't represent her if **** hits the fan - if she has single friends who are OW's, she has to drop them - look up the 180 and implement it - she will answer your questions about the affair no matter how many times you ask - she will submit herself to a polygraph test if you want to - DNA tests for the children if you are suspicious, and mandatory STD test for her All of the above is aimed at a few things : - not allowing the BS to make you into a welcome mat - preparing you for whatever comes so you can weather the emotional problems better Good Luck. 1
NotCamelot Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Do you want to live with a woman who has shared her body with another guy, while lying to you and deceveing you? If you really love her and want to make it work, you can NOT make yourself crazy thinking about this. I know, I have been and am going through it now. Those thoughts are nearly impossible to forget, but it does get better. Remember, most people don't marry virgins. Usually both have had previous sexual experiences. What works for me is reminding myself that we both had sexual partners before......then I try to push her A into that category....in my mind. It works most of the time. Be prepared for the "trickle truth" somehow they all do it. What you are told is the whole truth really is not. It seems they don't want to tell you everything because they try to protect you from the hurt. It is really much better to have all the hurt at once than to have to hurt all over again when more truth comes out.........maybe you should tell her that.
drifter777 Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 For the time being you should ignore those people who tell you "stop thinking about it and you will feel better" because it is: a) impossible to stop your brain and; b) maybe the unhealthiest way to find your way through this emotional trauma. You and your wife need to get some counseling - both individually and together. Pretending that it's not devastating and that you should be able to forgive and forget is the worst thing you can possibly do. Find a counselor. As far as the truth regarding how often your wife screwed the other guy, she will never tell you the truth. Over time you may be able to find more facts, and each time it happens it will devastate you. Even if you tell her how damaging it will be if she withholds the truth, she will lie. It doesn't mean you shouldn't try to get at least the major details, but just don't expect you will ever know the full truth.
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