How can I get the wife to find out?

[Bunny85]

I do not have a "fear of being exposed" if the affair came out because everyone in my life, friends, family and even parents, all already know whats going on. Unlike the MM, I am completely honest about my life.

His friend who told me he has been talking badly about me to cover up the affair, DOES KNOW we are having an affair.

 

If my motivations somehow matter to you do determine whether or not you will leave an actual answer to my original question or you do not approve of my motivations, then simply click out and don't bother answering.

 

I am not looking for solutions to the affair, like move on, do you really want a man like that, and so on. That was not what I am asking here.

 

 

Thank you to the people who have actually been offering suggestions.

[Owl]

I do not have a "fear of being exposed" if the affair came out because everyone in my life, friends, family and even parents, all already know whats going on. Unlike the MM, I am completely honest about my life.

His friend who told me he has been talking badly about me to cover up the affair, DOES KNOW we are having an affair.

 

If my motivations somehow matter to you do determine whether or not you will leave an actual answer to my original question or you do not approve of my motivations, then simply click out and don't bother answering.

 

I am not looking for solutions to the affair, like move on, do you really want a man like that, and so on. That was not what I am asking here.

 

Thank you to the people who have actually been offering suggestions.

 

Knowing what your intended outcome of all of this does indeed impact what kind of advice you recieve about how you go about doing it.

 

If your "plan" is to end up with him...then outing the affair anonymously would better serve your needs since he'll undoubtedly be angry at being outed, and would likely break off things with you if he knew you were the source.

 

If your "plan" is to use this as a means to end the affair...then doing so up front and face to face with her is a better means.

 

So...knowing your goal allows us to tailor advice to suit your plans.

 

So...given all of that...I'm curious...how have you chosen to tell her?

[j'adore]

This thread seems an amazing coincidence from a new poster, given my story recently. Anyone clicked yet???

[Leelou]

I do not have a "fear of being exposed" if the affair came out because everyone in my life, friends, family and even parents, all already know whats going on. Unlike the MM, I am completely honest about my life.

Then why would you think about Changing Who You Are (honest and open person) in this instance?

 

And -- don't you realize that after all is said and done, even if things go according to your wishes and plans, and MM is kicked out of his M and is in pain and despair, and turns to you for a full-time woman, don't you realize that you will have caused irreparable DAMAGE to your relationship with him because you will always have to cover up the Big Lie, that it was YOU who screwed up his life?

 

How do you imagine you can conduct a good relationship based on a foundation of lies? You will be planting the seeds of destruction for your own future with him, to say nothing of becoming of liar, yourself. Do you really want to change who you are, essentially an honest and straight-forward person, just because you are dealing with a liar and a cheat? Why would you want to damage your character?

[GuyInLimbo]

Whoa. You want her to find out about something *you* have been a willing partner in? Sorry, sweetheart, but you need to walk away from this guy and get yourself into intensive therapy. Sorry, but yeah, that DOES make you psycho. You knew damn well what you were getting yourself into when you started having the affair. Sounds to me you have the typical delusion that he's gonna leave his wife for you. News flash: ain't gonna happen.

[KathyM]

That would be the honorable thing to do, but the OP doesn't want to end her relationship with the MM. Hence, why she needs to do it anonymously.

 

She has no intention on ending things and therefore will not out herself. Her agenda is clear - out the affair without MM finding out it was her in order to up the chances of snagging her guy.

I see. Well, in that case, she could call the woman up and expose the affair claiming to be the AP's friend who has concern for their friend and wants to see the affair end for the sake of her friend. That should do the trick, and if the MM confronts her on it, she she could claim that her friend outted her because she is concerned about her. Granted, it's dishonest, but then, I don't think the OP is too concerned about that at this point. Kind of like telling a robber not to track dirt on the carpet. And it will do some good in the long term--freeing the hostage/wife from her life of darkness and deceipt. So the ends justify the means. Call her, and pretend to be a friend of the AP, and spill the beans.

[Bunny85]

You're backtracking and making yourself look foolish now.

 

Your fear of exposure is clearly and solely related to the MM and his wife finding out it was YOU who "ruined" his life.

 

 

NO, if you would read my post for what it says. I was saying, I don't care about being exposed about having the affair. NOT that I don't care about being exposed about being the one to tell his wife.

 

Please read before you call me foolish.

[Bunny85]

Whoa. You want her to find out about something *you* have been a willing partner in? Sorry, sweetheart, but you need to walk away from this guy and get yourself into intensive therapy. Sorry, but yeah, that DOES make you psycho. You knew damn well what you were getting yourself into when you started having the affair. Sounds to me you have the typical delusion that he's gonna leave his wife for you. News flash: ain't gonna happen.

 

 

If you read any of my posts you would have read that I already stated I have no delusions he would leave her, those went away. If you want to judge me or put me down for sticking around knowing he wouldn't leave her, then so be it. Until you have lived a day in my shoes, you have no right to judge or call me a psycho. Thats the typical response to an OW. Oh she is a psycho! go find your own man! how about people also turn to the man who is the one that made the vows and is the cheater? Who goes home to her every night and says nothing? Because I knew what I was getting into I have no right to do or say anything? please. I also stated I have no delusions that she will even leave him.

 

Thank you to anyone who actually answered with ideas.

I will not be responding to any other posts that aren't just ideas that I am asking for. Its really pointless for you to even post them.

[jwi71]

Just to be clear...

 

Your MM has successfully convinced his W you are a crazy psycho biatch.

So much so, that she will NEVER believe you - no matter what.

 

And pray, given these conditions you set forth - how is LS to accomplish this?

 

Why can't a member of the "everybody knows group" come forward?

Get pregnant - DNA would be incontrovertible.

Maybe call him and record it - try and get him to admit it.

 

Yet I bet you have an excuse for everything you "can't" do.

 

More importantly, what do you gain from telling?

How does revenge soothe the situation?

[ThatJustHappened]

If you read any of my posts you would have read that I already stated I have no delusions he would leave her, those went away. If you want to judge me or put me down for sticking around knowing he wouldn't leave her, then so be it. Until you have lived a day in my shoes, you have no right to judge or call me a psycho. Thats the typical response to an OW. Oh she is a psycho! go find your own man! how about people also turn to the man who is the one that made the vows and is the cheater? Who goes home to her every night and says nothing? Because I knew what I was getting into I have no right to do or say anything? please. I also stated I have no delusions that she will even leave him.

 

Thank you to anyone who actually answered with ideas.

I will not be responding to any other posts that aren't just ideas that I am asking for. Its really pointless for you to even post them.

 

I don't really understand what you're asking for. Ideas for what? If you don't have any delusions that you will end up with him, then why not just leave them both alone and get on with your life and let them get on with theirs?

[suki1]

I'll be honest, I'm really trying to understand but this is a little confusing. Why do you want her to know? You believe he won't leave her and it seems that he's set things up so she won't believe you. So what's the point? All this will achieve then is for him to get mad and dump you whilst she and her friends laugh at the "crazy person who fancies her husband".

 

As to ideas, as others have said, you can a)get pregnant, though I wouldn't advise it, b) tell her yourself offering proof, c) tell her whilst pretending to be a "concerned friend" or d) as your friends know about this, ask a concerned friend to tell her though this is also not something I would advise.

 

Personally, I don't see what's to be gained, so my genuine advice is as I said before. Get out and find happiness elsewhere.

[Leelou]

 

Please read before you call me foolish.

Actually, you asked us for our ADVICE.... in your initial post. Now you are trying to shut us down and make us only give you ideas for exposing your affair, without exposing your being behind it. Why don't YOU re-read?

 

 

I am new to this forum, I am looking for help if anyone can offer I'd really appreciate it. (...)

 

Can anyone offer any advice?? Thanks in advance.

 

I will not be responding to any other posts that aren't just ideas that I am asking for. Its really pointless for you to even post them.

If you can't even explain yourself to people on this board, you have a lot of issues. It's pointless asking us for our advice, and then when we give it, shutting us down. Are you like this IRL?

[Janesays]

Have a friend follow you around taking pictures of the two of you together without MM knowing. Be sure to get pictures of you two making out in public and going into a hotel room. If you really want to get risky, have her take pictures of you doing the naughty from outside your bedroom window. Then, have them blown up, put black bars over any of your naked lady bits, and mail them to her.

 

You'll be doing her a favor.

[ThatJustHappened]

Have a friend follow you around taking pictures of the two of you together without MM knowing. Be sure to get pictures of you two making out in public and going into a hotel room. If you really want to get risky, have her take pictures of you doing the naughty from outside your bedroom window. Then, have them blown up, put black bars over any of your naked lady bits, and mail them to her.

 

You'll be doing her a favor.

 

This is a joke, right? Sometimes it's hard to tell online...

[SoleMate]

I have been seeing the MM for about 4 years....I am tired of standing by watching him and his wife's life get better and better....he and I were best friends....He has.....defamed me to her and all of his friends/family saying that I am a psycho trying to be with him......

The only advice I have for you, and I pray with all my heart and know that many LS regulars join with me, is to walk away from this abuse, this degradation, this insanity.

 

Do NOT confront the wife, you'll only end up in the gutter with bus tracks all over your back. He treats you like crap NOW.....it will be 20 times worse if you "dare" to tell her the truth.

 

Take back your life, PLEASE.

[Janesays]

This is a joke, right? Sometimes it's hard to tell online...

 

Listen, I'm not coming at this from the point of view of the OP. If her play is to snag the MM for her own, whatever, let her live with her delusion.

 

And I could give a crap about the poor MM for his little ol' life being 'destroyed.' Whatever. You reap what you sow.

 

What I'm thinking about here is the one truly innocent person in this party...the W. And if I were the wife, I'd want to know. And I'd want to know quick enough so I could divorce the jerk while I was young enough to be able to attract a new man.

 

Like I said, if I were the wife, I'd want to know. So I think she should be told.

[stillafool]

OP if you want the wife to know go over to their house and tell her in front of him that you two are having an affair. If you get a friend or anyone else to tell her she will not believe it. Even if you have pictures of the two of you together you will not break up their marriage. She won't kick him out. She will just get angry, he will tell her the truth or a lie, she will believe him and eventually they will make up and call you small and bitter.

[ThatJustHappened]

Listen, I'm not coming at this from the point of view of the OP. If her play is to snag the MM for her own, whatever, let her live with her delusion.

 

And I could give a crap about the poor MM for his little ol' life being 'destroyed.' Whatever. You reap what you sow.

 

What I'm thinking about here is the one truly innocent person in this party...the W. And if I were the wife, I'd want to know. And I'd want to know quick enough so I could divorce the jerk while I was young enough to be able to attract a new man.

 

Like I said, if I were the wife, I'd want to know. So I think she should be told.

 

But not like that. It's not about the MM's feelings or the OW's feelings. As you said, the wife is the innocent one here..she doesn't deserve to have those pictures shoved in her face. That would be incredibly and unnecessarily painful.

 

When I found out my ex was cheating on me, I found out because I (completely accidentally..was borrowing his computer with his permission and he left his email open) saw sexual emails between the two of them. I couldn't eat for a week after that. I wish he'd just told me instead of me having to see it in writing. If I'd seen pictures I think I might have fainted.

 

I agree that if/when she finds out, it's going to be painful regardless of how she's told..I just don't think that's the best way.

Edited August 29, 2012 by ThatJustHappened

[Janesays]

I agree that if/when she finds out, it's going to be painful regardless of how she's told..I just don't think that's the best way.

 

No, it's not the best way. And in a perfect world, hubby will just fess up and tell her. Or the OW woman will tell her with some compassion. However, those two things aren't likely to happen here.

 

So if this is the only way she's going to find out.....then at least she's going to find out. Better that than to live a lie, unknowingly expose herself to STDs, or waste all her youth on some loser who doesn't deserve her.

[ThatJustHappened]

No, it's not the best way. And in a perfect world, hubby will just fess up and tell her. Or the OW woman will tell her with some compassion. However, those two things aren't likely to happen here.

 

So if this is the only way she's going to find out.....then at least she's going to find out. Better that than to live a lie, unknowingly expose herself to STDs, or waste all her youth on some loser who doesn't deserve her.

 

But they could still TELL her without showing her pictures...

[Janesays]

But they could still TELL her without showing her pictures...

 

They could. But they probably won't. Honestly, they probably won't tell that poor woman at all. That's the truly horrific part of the situation.

[Janesays]

Actually this is the OW/OM board... so it is about our feelings here.

 

And did I not give the OP the information she requested thus solving her problem?

[ThatJustHappened]

Actually this is the OW/OM board... so it is about our feelings here.

QUOTE]

 

Yes, I am aware of that. OW came here for advice on her situation..I saw some advice I disagreed with so I said so. The wife still deserves to have her feelings acknowledged.

 

Nobody is saying the OW doesn't have feelings..Jane and I are simply discussing the fact that the OW should know that it's not only her who will be impacted by this revelation, and that she should have some sympathy for the wife, who hasn't done anything wrong.

[ThatJustHappened]

No you did. But you said it wasn't out the OW/OM's ... and here, actually... it is.

 

Yes, but the advice Jane gave was referring to something that is happening outside of the LS forum, and therefore the other people involved deserve to be acknowledged.

 

Yes this forum is about the OW/OM's feelings..but in real life, not everything is.

[Janesays]

No you did. But you said it wasn't out the OW/OM's ... and here, actually... it is.

 

I said it wasn't about the OW woman for me. The forum can't dictate my personal feelings. I'm sure that rule is in place to tell me to refrain from acting in a cruel or abusive manner towards the OW here. But I haven't done that. I answered the question that was put before me. Had my advice not been questioned, my true feelings would have never been an area of contention.

 

I think a lot of other people that have posted here have had less regard for the OP's feelings than I did, personally. But my advice remains the same regardless: If it takes some sleuthing to get the OW to fess up on behalf of her and the MM, so be it. It's still the right thing to do, even if it's not the best way to do it.