illtakecareofyou Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 Hey, Loveshack. Currently going through an issue with my girlfriend and y'all seem like a good community for me to turn to when I don't really have anyone else. This is long, but I think you'll find it interesting and I'd really appreciate the help. Here's the deal — I've been dating this girl for 7 months now. She's the first person I've ever truly fallen in love with and I'd do absolutely anything for her. In past relationships,my feelings starting tailing off around 5 months and after 6 everything went down hill. However, this time around, it's different. My feelings for her honestly increase every day. We were friends before we dated for a few years and I can say at this point we really are best friends. We get along great and have a lot of fun together. Our relationship is perfect, except for one part...one significant part—the sex life. When we were "talking" before we became official, we were hooking up constantly and it was great. This continued for the first three months or so of the relationship. Then, she wanted me to take her virginity. I was hesitant about this, because I knew she had held onto it for a long time and I knew she wanted it to be special, so I wanted to make sure it was that way. However, she insisted she was ready, so we went for it. And sure enough, I regret it today and wish I would've made her wait longer. We had sex a handful of times before things started...getting weird, for lack of a better way of putting it. She suddenly didn't want to have sex anymore. She said she wasn't ready. I told her that's fine—I don't need sex from her to be happy and that's the truth. So we stopped having sex. However, the sex life altogether has really dropped off since then. Things have progressively got slower over time. I started to have to ask her to simply make out with me when we went to bed and she started getting upset. She said I only care about sex, the physical part of the relationship, etc. But that couldn't be further from the truth. So it got to the point where I stopped bringing it up to avoid us getting into arguments. That was a mistake...over time my frustrations mounted. Finally, after 2 months of absolutely nothing (maybe making out once or twice in that span), I snapped. We got into the biggest fight of our relationship and honestly the biggest fight I've ever had in my life. We went at it for an hour, but it actually ended well. We made up and both agreed to work on things—she'd work on being more intimate towards me and I'd work on not holding things in that bother me. We hooked up the next night and it was awesome. I don't know if it's because it had been so long, but I've never felt a stronger connection in my entire life and we of course didn't have sex. It felt so good to just be emotionally close to her again and express affection. She loved it, too and laughed afterwards, asking me why we didn't do that more often. But...a week has passed and we're getting right back to where we are. We haven't hooked up since and she doesn't seem to want to. Mind you, we are about 22 years old, so our sex drives should be in our primes at the moment. I'm honestly starting to think there's something going on in her head/something wrong with her. It's not like we're constantly fighting—like I said, outside of the physical department, everything is perfect. But she's said some things that have worried me. She's really busy with work and school and can work/study upwards of 12 hours per day. I'm starting to think this is taking a toll on her emotional/mental state. A common expression from her lately has been "I'm emotionless". She says she has a hard time feeling anything anymore. For example, about a month ago her parents sent her flowers for her 21st birthday and had them delivered to her work to surprise her. When I picked her up later that day, I couldn't wait to see her and ask her about it (her parents had coordinated it with me). She had been stressed out with work and I thought she'd really appreciate it. But she got into my car with zero expression and I asked her what was wrong. She just said again she felt emotionless and didn't feel anything. She said she should be happy, but she just didn't feel anything. Then, when we got into our massive blowup a couple of weeks ago, she again brought up she was emotionless. She said she understood why I was upset and she knows she was wrong, but she had no emotions about the subject. I asked her if she's just not attracted to me or anything like that, but she swears it's nothing I've done. "I don't know what's wrong with me..." she constantly muttered. But, for not having emotions, she sure did cry a lot once we got into it. She also seriously at one point said she thinks she's bi-polar or something and her parents want her to talk to someone, but she doesn't want to. I don't know what's wrong with her. This is why I am starting to believe there is legitimately something, though, especially with all of this emotionless talk. And it makes sense as far as the sex drive because a lot of a woman's libido is emotional, right? Is there anything I can do to help her turn it around? I love her and care about her too much to leave her for this. She brings too much joy to my life on a daily basis outside of the bedroom for me to leave her and I can honestly see a future with her. I want a future with her. And I have hope because I've seen her sex drive in full-force not all that long ago, I just need to find it...somehow.
Feelsgoodman Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 And sure enough, I regret it today and wish I would've made her wait longer. We had sex a handful of times before things started...getting weird, for lack of a better way of putting it. She suddenly didn't want to have sex anymore. She said she wasn't ready. I told her that's fine—I don't need sex from her to be happy and that's the truth. So we stopped having sex. It sounds like she doesn't enjoy having sex with you and/or is no longer attracted to you. Not sure how making her wait longer would have changed this..
Author illtakecareofyou Posted August 27, 2012 Author Posted August 27, 2012 It sounds like she doesn't enjoy having sex with you and/or is no longer attracted to you. Not sure how making her wait longer would have changed this.. I should have explained more about this situation. She didn't want to continue having sex because the whole idea scared her. She thinks sex means the relationship is extremely serious, which I agree, and she wasn't ready for that yet. She has told me several times since she doesn't want to have sex again until she's married. So she kind of puts it on a pedestal, if you will. I know it's a big deal to her and I don't need actual sex itself to be happy, so I'm fine with holding off until we get more serious and she feels more comfortable with the direction our relationship is heading. Fwiw she has struggled slightly with commitment. "Forever" and permanency scare her, so I back off and give her her space. Plus, we've only been dating for 7 months so there's no need to rush that/press that on her.
KungFuJoe Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 You pretty much answered your own question. She needs therapy. She might have depression. If she goes hot, cold, hot, cold...she might be bipolar.
Author illtakecareofyou Posted August 27, 2012 Author Posted August 27, 2012 You pretty much answered your own question. She needs therapy. She might have depression. If she goes hot, cold, hot, cold...she might be bipolar. She couldn't be more against seeking help, though. She's very stubborn. I told her I've talked to psychologists before for a few things and it helped greatly, but she doesn't want to talk to anyone. How can I help her see the light and get her into see someone?
KungFuJoe Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 She couldn't be more against seeking help, though. She's very stubborn. I told her I've talked to psychologists before for a few things and it helped greatly, but she doesn't want to talk to anyone. How can I help her see the light and get her into see someone? Thats the hard part. You can lead a horse to water...... Honestly, the way this is going, and since you are both young and only been togehr 7 months...I would tell her...seek help or you're leaving her. I know you love and care about her, but how long before you've had enough? If she really cared about you (and most importantly, herself) she would see someone.
Greznog Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 This is a very common female strategy. By sleeping with you ( giving you a sample ) she intends to keep you around ( in this case for marriage ). This way she hopes to attain maximum profit for minimal effort. Because should you marry her you'll find what should be glaringly obvious, she doesn't enjoy sex ( in general or just with you ). If she thought she could've kept you around without letting you have a taste she would've done so. Once you're married she no longer has to pretend and you'll be celibate by year two.
Author illtakecareofyou Posted August 27, 2012 Author Posted August 27, 2012 This is a very common female strategy. By sleeping with you ( giving you a sample ) she intends to keep you around ( in this case for marriage ). This way she hopes to attain maximum profit for minimal effort. Because should you marry her you'll find what should be glaringly obvious, she doesn't enjoy sex ( in general or just with you ). If she thought she could've kept you around without letting you have a taste she would've done so. Once you're married she no longer has to pretend and you'll be celibate by year two. I'm sorry, but I just can't believe this theory—at least not with this girl. That's all I have to say about that.
It's Just Me Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 I'm not a professional by any means, but the "emotionless" comment tells me that she may have depression. This has nothing to do with sex, you, flowers from her parents, or anything else. Get her to a doctor. 1
Feelsgoodman Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 She didn't want to continue having sex because the whole idea scared her. She thinks sex means the relationship is extremely serious, which I agree, and she wasn't ready for that yet. Yeah, well, that's what she says. But you can't possibly be so naive as to take it at face value?? If she's a "no sex before marriage" type, why did she push you for sex in the first place. That doesn't make any sense.
kaylan Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 I dont think she attracted to you OP. I dont see this relationship lasting much longer tbh
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 I should have explained more about this situation. She didn't want to continue having sex because the whole idea scared her. She thinks sex means the relationship is extremely serious, which I agree, and she wasn't ready for that yet. She has told me several times since she doesn't want to have sex again until she's married. So she kind of puts it on a pedestal, if you will. I know it's a big deal to her and I don't need actual sex itself to be happy, so I'm fine with holding off until we get more serious and she feels more comfortable with the direction our relationship is heading. Fwiw she has struggled slightly with commitment. "Forever" and permanency scare her, so I back off and give her her space. Plus, we've only been dating for 7 months so there's no need to rush that/press that on her. This is all a load of horsecrap. She isn't attracted to you anymore for some reason. This relationship is already done... so stop wasting time with it. She doesn't want help because she already knows the problem and doesn't want to fix it. I also really don't like the fact that she is holding sex over your head in order to get greater commitment. Hell, it sounds like you are already completely committed... so what more does she want? A ring? I bet you are pretty young. Once you get older you will be able to tell when someone is manipulating you.
weallfalldown Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Tainted goods.................lack of emotion does sometimes = depression. Tell her if she doesn't pull her finger out... You'll find someone else.....sex is the biggest factor in a relationship, otherwise you might as well be friends only.
Quiet Storm Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 You are being too accommodating. She knows you are always going to be there, so she is not prompted to address her lack of sex drive or emotion. She needs to be told, consistently, that this is a huge problem for you and that she needs to address it ASAP, because it is damaging your relationship. Men are often afraid to address this because they don't want their women to feel that they are only using them for sex. However, the physical part is a HUGE part of the connection between a man and a woman and she needs to understand that. She needs to know that by cutting you off, she is BLOCKING the most natural way for you to express your love for her. In my experience, men often bring up relationship problems, but once they put it out there, they simply wait for results. While they are waiting to see change, the woman often thinks everything is OK because he is not bringing up the problem. As women, our emotions are often up and down, so she may think the problem is not that big of a deal, or that you are over it now. She could think that the fun you had after the argument is enough to hold you over for awhile. Bottom line, you have to make it clear in no uncertain terms that you DO NOT want a relationship like this, and although you love her, you WILL NOT remain in a relationship with these dynamics. Once she knows that you are not willing to accept a relationship with no physical affection, she will either be prompted to seek help for her issues or look for a man that is more compatible. She may blame you and think you are sex obsessed and look for a different man, but as she matures, and has more experiences with men, she may realize that she is the one with the intimacy issues. (I want to point out that her decision to not have sex is a valid choice, but her reluctance for affection and any type of physical intimacy is abnormal). I understand that you love this girl, but that doesn't mean you are compatible or that you will have a fulfilling relationship with her. Love doesn't mean you have to keep trying to fit a round peg into a sqaure hole. Sometimes, a person's issues are too much for us to take on, and that's okay. Love and strong feelings don't mean you have to sacrifice your needs in a relationship. If she is depressed, and does seek help, they often prescribe SSRI's, which often decrease sex drive or diminish the ability to orgasm. So even if she addresses the issues and gets treatment, it may not result in the outcome that you hope for (you can suggest Wellbutrin, which doesn't usually have bad sexual side effects). Committing to someone with depression or other mental disorders may be a noble thing to do in the name of love, but it is smart to think about your future and what you want out of life. Depression is something that sufferers often deal with off and on for their entire lives, so you need to think about this on a long term basis, and how it will affect your well-being, as well. It is also possible that she just hasn't had the kind of sexual experience yet that does it for her. Many young women are unable to orgasm from sexual intercourse, so you need to work with her to find out exactly what she likes and responds to. However, she must be a willing partner. She can't disregard YOUR needs simply because they are not important to her. She should be willing to explore her sexuality, even if it's at a slow place. If she is adverse to sexual activity because of religion, abuse, strict parenting, etc, she could have deep seeded feelings that sex is dirty or bad. This could cause her to avoid sex, or anything that she feels may lead to sex, such as kissing or making out. These types of issues are not easy to overcome, and require therapy to resolve. So I think you need to stop waiting for her to notice how much this is hurting you, and make it very clear, in an assertive way, that things must change. Tell her you love her and want your relationship to survive. And offer your patience if she agrees to take concrete steps to resolve this. 2
FitChick Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Learn to give an erotic massage. Experiment with sex toys. She probably finds your technique boring.
veggirl Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Maybe she never had a high drive and just used sex to snag you at first, now she has you. Anyway I would just sit her down and tell her that you are not willing to be in a sexless relationship (unless you are willing to be in one which...well if you were willing I don't think you'd be posting here) and if she is not willing to actively address the issue, you will have to walk. I mean if she wanted to wait til marriage..she would have waited til marriage. But she didn't.
irin Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 "She said she wasn't ready. I told her that's fine—I don't need sex from her to be happy and that's the truth" so you lied to her. 1
veggirl Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 "She said she wasn't ready. I told her that's fine—I don't need sex from her to be happy and that's the truth" so you lied to her. Missed that. Yeah, if you are happy not to have sex then what is the problem? Maybe you thought you would be fine without but now that you have had some you realize you won't be. And I guess she could be the opposite, she thought she might be ready and now realizes she isn't. Well, that's just incompatibility. The earlier you find it out, the better.
oaks Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 I've been dating this girl for 7 months now. She's the first person I've ever truly fallen in love with and I'd do absolutely anything for her. Mind you, we are about 22 years old, so our sex drives should be in our primes at the moment. I'm honestly starting to think there's something going on in her head/something wrong with her. Yup, something is wrong. I'm tempted to say something like "you've only spent 7 months of your life on this relationship, so cut your losses and walk away now." There, I said it. But, you say you'll do anything for her... so explain the problem and see what she thinks. If she doesn't agree that there's a problem, or doesn't want to do anything to change things, then you should still walk away. If she agrees that there's a problem that she's willing to work on (with you!) then stick it out for a while longer... but not forever. How long do you want this problem to continue?
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