How does going slow serve the relationship?

August 27, 2012

What's interesting is that I agree, going slow is probably a good idea when beginning a new relationship. I just don't know why? So I was hoping you LSers could shed some light. Everyone always says, "don't jump right in, go slow, consider the pacing," but I have a hard time understanding how doing so best serves the relationship.

What does going slow do that going fast doesn't? Are relationships more likely to last if starting slow? What's too slow? What's too fast?

Catch my drift?

August 27, 2012

It's very easy to see a LOT of good stuff about a person, and react to it. Maybe by making commitments or immersing oneself in the relationship, when some time would have shown that the person wasn't *quite* what they seemed.

Likewise, relationships are exciting, and some people are swept up in that roller coaster and not taking time to really assess compatibility and test the strength of the couple in a variety of different situations. Rushing in to a relationship or marriage might prove foolish if the parties aren't adept at communicating and coping AS A COUPLE.

August 27, 2012

In terms of marriage/living together obviously you want to make sure the other person is reliable and honest. Short of that it is simply a matter of control or lack thereof, so anytime a woman has applied the brakes in my past I have responded by keeping a foot in the door, so to speak, and don't regret doing so.

August 27, 2012

It's very easy to see a LOT of good stuff about a person, and react to it. Maybe by making commitments or immersing oneself in the relationship, when some time would have shown that the person wasn't *quite* what they seemed.

Likewise, relationships are exciting, and some people are swept up in that roller coaster and not taking time to really assess compatibility and test the strength of the couple in a variety of different situations. Rushing in to a relationship or marriage might prove foolish if the parties aren't adept at communicating and coping AS A COUPLE.

Thanks for your response. I definitely get not rushing into marriage, kids or cohabitation, but what about getting swept up in that goosebumpy love feeling that comes with new love? It'll fade away some, and then the couple can learn all that other stuff. I ask because I'm in a new and wonderful, reciprocal relationship and we've both agreed to pace it. I guess it just feels so forced, when I really would love to spend time with him. I've been in many relationships, and seem many relationships that moved quickly, actually last into something long term. I guess I feel I'm missing out on all that crazy juicy rush of emotion.

August 27, 2012

For me it is protecting myself. Not getting attached to someone who doesn't yet deserve it. When you first meet someone, you are basing your decisions and opinions of them on fluttery exciting feelings, not who they really are. I think taking it slow is taking the time to actually get to know the person that they truly are. Everyone is fun and happy and excited at the beginning, who are they beyond that? People get too wrapped up and then realize they were never actually compatible with the other person but oops now it's been 6 months and I am attached so I will stick it out cause it's easier than starting over.

I don't think you need to deny any happy, excited feelings. I just think you need to recognize them for what they are, not as something else "this man I just met a month ago is my soulmate cause I am so happy around him" for example.

exceptions to every rule and all that, but in general I think taking it slow is very beneficial.

August 27, 2012

Thanks for your response. I definitely get not rushing into marriage, kids or cohabitation, but what about getting swept up in that goosebumpy love feeling that comes with new love? It'll fade away some, and then the couple can learn all that other stuff. I ask because I'm in a new and wonderful, reciprocal relationship and we've both agreed to pace it. I guess it just feels so forced, when I really would love to spend time with him. I've been in many relationships, and seem many relationships that moved quickly, actually last into something long term. I guess I feel I'm missing out on all that crazy juicy rush of emotion.

It means he has some sort of baggage. Now just a matter of figuring out what it is

For me it is protecting myself. Not getting attached to someone who doesn't yet deserve it. When you first meet someone, you are basing your decisions and opinions of them on fluttery exciting feelings, not who they really are. I think taking it slow is taking the time to actually get to know the person that they truly are. Everyone is fun and happy and excited at the beginning, who are they beyond that? People get too wrapped up and then realize they were never actually compatible with the other person but oops now it's been 6 months and I am attached so I will stick it out cause it's easier than starting over.

I don't think you need to deny any happy, excited feelings. I just think you need to recognize them for what they are, not as something else "this man I just met a month ago is my soulmate cause I am so happy around him" for example.

exceptions to every rule and all that, but in general I think taking it slow is very beneficial.

From a man's perspective the word slow means...

A. I'm keeping my options open but you can pay for my entertainment.

B. If my ex comes back I'm leaving with him, you're just attention in the meantime

C. I have control issues, I go psycho if I get attached to any man

D. I can't control my emotions, when I feel sexual attachment I become an insecure mess

99 times out of 100 one or more of these describes the woman saying 'slow' to you.

Edited August 27, 2012 by thatone

August 27, 2012

It means he has some sort of baggage. Now just a matter of figuring out what it is
From a man's perspective the word slow means...

A. I'm keeping my options open but you can pay for my entertainment.
B. If my ex comes back I'm leaving with him, you're just attention in the meantime
C. I have control issues, I go psycho if I get attached to any man
D. I can't control my emotions, when I feel sexual attachment I become an insecure mess

99 times out of 100 one or more of these describes the woman saying 'slow' to you.

Most of the time the guy wants to "go slow" though, so does this relate to them as well?

"I like you, but I also want to date other women"

"let's go slow, in case I want to break it off in a few weeks"

I'm basing those replies on your's, which seem very contrived.

August 28, 2012

I'm wondering the same thing! What is slow? Should you wait 2-3-4 months before calling it a relationship? I don't know really; I'd just rather try to make it work even if I've only been dating the person for a short while. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work and that's it. Of course, I'm only taking about jumping in a relationship, not moving in together, have a baby or get married... This, I'd have to wait for quite a while Even meeting the family can wait, but let's call this official and try to make it work... If you don't give it your 100%, how is it ever going to work? But that's just my point of view.

I also believe some people want to 'take it slow' because they want to date/sleep around and don't want to be in a commited relationship. I don't need to do that, I've dated and honestly I don't want to meet 5-6 guys at the same time; I don't have the energy to do this anymore... When I meet someone I enjoy being with (which doesn't happen quite often), I'm usually ready to be commited to this person. Not saying he's my soulmate or I'll end up marrying the guy, but at least I want to try and see if we can build something lasting and serious together.

Edited August 28, 2012 by Maeva

August 28, 2012

I prefer to take things slow because it gives both people the best chance of getting to know each other with the least amount of fallout/damage should one or both discover they are incompatible. They can then part ways with good feelings...

When things happen fast, there are just too many things missed. People are filling in the blanks with their own fantasies. Alot of hurt feelings and misunderstandings come from this.

Anyway... Men who push for sex seem to be the control freaks...the ones trying to 'lock in' and get the woman hooked emotionally before she finds out what a real schmuck he is or can be.

Kinda like the used car salesman trying to get that jalopy off the show room floor before the bumper falls off. Don't kick the tires too hard... might get a flat.

Since I pay my share on everything, I don't multi-date, and have a history of my mostly long-term relationships ending amicably, he should have nothing to worry from ME.

August 28, 2012

What does going slow do that going fast doesn't? Are relationships more likely to last if starting slow? What's too slow? What's too fast?

Catch my drift?

I think the usual rule of thumb is the faster things move the harder it crashes. But there are many exceptions, nothing is set in stone. You can feel full on passion for each other want to take things slow.

Sex too early or too late depends on two people. IMO, if they click then it doesn't matter when it happens. But I also have the viewpoint that the longer time the relationship has to build up before having sex, then the more exciting it will be when it actually does happen. However some are not happy with waiting that long to find out and would rather do it soon to see if it's any good.

What I find might be moving too fast is if a couple moves in too early. I think it's healthy for people to have their own personal space in a relationship. Moving in too soon without getting to really know the person can have the potential to make things sour. I would have to date the person for at least a year until I'd make that leap.

August 28, 2012

Anyway... Men who push for sex seem to be the control freaks...the ones trying to 'lock in' and get the woman hooked emotionally before she finds out what a real schmuck he is or can be.
.

And what do you call of women that push for sex? Wanting to jump the guy's bones every time she sees him. Psychos? I don't think women are any different. If they really want and like a guy, many women would just as easily stake their territory and go primal on a guy just as easily.

August 28, 2012

A. I'm keeping my options open but you can pay for my entertainment.
B. If my ex comes back I'm leaving with him, you're just attention in the meantime
C. I have control issues, I go psycho if I get attached to any man
D. I can't control my emotions, when I feel sexual attachment I become an insecure mess

99 times out of 100 one or more of these describes the woman saying 'slow' to you.

Why did you quote me on this?

A. I do not multi-date and I do not expect a man to pay for me. Me and my boyfriend split our first date and have been relatively 50/50 since then.

B. I had no ex in the picture. One tried to contact me once during our R and I told him to leave me alone

C. No one has ever accused me of this

D. Read some of my posts on LS, you will know that is not true.

So, why did you quote me? I explained in my response why I prefer to go slow. It's to establish a REAL AND TRUE connection with someone apart from the butterflies.

I'm wondering the same thing! What is slow? Should you wait 2-3-4 months before calling it a relationship? I don't know really; I'd just rather try to make it work even if I've only been dating the person for a short while. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work and that's it. Of course, I'm only taking about jumping in a relationship, not moving in together, have a baby or get married... This, I'd have to wait for quite a while Even meeting the family can wait, but let's call this official and try to make it work... If you don't give it your 100%, how is it ever going to work? But that's just my point of view.

IMO it's not about not giving 100%. My boyfriend and I were official w/in 1.5 mos, I didn't push that back to "take things slow" but I also didn't proclaim love and use :love: all over LS when I spoke about him, until I knew I truly loved HIM and not just the feelings he was giving me.

I prefer to take things slow because it gives both people the best chance of getting to know each other with the least amount of fallout/damage should one or both discover they are incompatible. They can then part ways with good feelings...

When things happen fast, there are just too many things missed. People are filling in the blanks with their own fantasies. Alot of hurt feelings and misunderstandings come from this.

I agree with all of this

I think the usual rule of thumb is the faster things move the harder it crashes. But there are many exceptions, nothing is set in stone. You can feel full on passion for each other want to take things slow.

Exactly.

My heart DROPPED the first time I met my boyfriend. I made myself take it slow, anyway. I felt passionate but I made sure I was being realistic as well.

August 28, 2012

My heart DROPPED the first time I met my boyfriend. I made myself take it slow, anyway. I felt passionate but I made sure I was being realistic as well.

I'm actually amazed when I hear of stories about girls knowing/picturing a guy being their bf off the bat. What was the deciding factor for you? Would you describe it as love and/or lust at first sight?

August 28, 2012

It's funny now nowdays going slow still involves sex just not labels or mushy stuff too early lol.

August 28, 2012

I'm actually amazed when I hear of stories about girls knowing/picturing a guy being their bf off the bat. What was the deciding factor for you? Would you describe it as love and/or lust at first sight?

It's just a instant attraction, I guess. I went through the same thing with the guy I'm with. I'm taking it slow, it's still early days, but the second we met I was hooked. not just physically, but everything felt right. I just saw myself with him.

August 28, 2012

It's funny now nowdays going slow still involves sex just not labels or mushy stuff too early lol.

That's a very good point

Though it's got its flaws - like most pop relationship books - Mars and Venus on a Date covers this subject pretty well. The author talks about how relationships that lead to successful marriages progress through five distinct stages - attraction, uncertainty, exclusivity, intimacy, and engagement. If you rush into sex, emotional intimacy, or other landmarks before the appropriate stage, it can interfere with the subtleties of the earlier phases in the mating dance, and compromise attachment and proper long-term bonding.

Both women and men need time to process certain things as the relationship develops - so for lasting success, it's best to move patiently through the stages - according to this book.

August 28, 2012

I think it's best not to worry about things like going to slow or protecting yourself.

I say open your mind and follow your heart. I have "lost" more by being more protective and only when I opened myself up and allowed the other person in did I find what I was looking for.

August 28, 2012

I think it's best not to worry about things like going to slow or protecting yourself.

I say open your mind and follow your heart. I have "lost" more by being more protective and only when I opened myself up and allowed the other person in did I find what I was looking for.

It's the opposite for me. I trusted and regretted it, very much.

August 28, 2012

It's funny now nowdays going slow still involves sex just not labels or mushy stuff too early lol.

Very good observation and I agree too. Not that it worked for me last time I fell for someone. He refused to take the emotional stuff slowly and I got sucked right in too

August 28, 2012

Why did you quote me on this?

A. I do not multi-date and I do not expect a man to pay for me. Me and my boyfriend split our first date and have been relatively 50/50 since then.
B. I had no ex in the picture. One tried to contact me once during our R and I told him to leave me alone
C. No one has ever accused me of this
D. Read some of my posts on LS, you will know that is not true.

So, why did you quote me? I explained in my response why I prefer to go slow. It's to establish a REAL AND TRUE connection with someone apart from the butterflies.

i'm not saying you are that way, but i am saying the vast majority of other women are that way, so the ideas you have while well intentioned, don't really tend to be compatible with a lot of men, for the above reasons.

I'm wondering the same thing! What is slow? Should you wait 2-3-4 months before calling it a relationship? I don't know really; I'd just rather try to make it work even if I've only been dating the person for a short while. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work and that's it. Of course, I'm only taking about jumping in a relationship, not moving in together, have a baby or get married... This, I'd have to wait for quite a while Even meeting the family can wait, but let's call this official and try to make it work... If you don't give it your 100%, how is it ever going to work? But that's just my point of view.

I also believe some people want to 'take it slow' because they want to date/sleep around and don't want to be in a commited relationship. I don't need to do that, I've dated and honestly I don't want to meet 5-6 guys at the same time; I don't have the energy to do this anymore... When I meet someone I enjoy being with (which doesn't happen quite often), I'm usually ready to be commited to this person. Not saying he's my soulmate or I'll end up marrying the guy, but at least I want to try and see if we can build something lasting and serious together.

i agree, but most people don't live in the real world, they live in a fantasy world where everyone else changes to suit them, and if things don't work out it's always someone or something else's fault. products of the 'self esteem' generation.

August 28, 2012

Depends on what you're talking about.

Physically I'm anti-slow. If we're both sexually attracted to each other, don't make me wait, because I'll walk.

If we're talking emotionally, or in terms of big steps like moving in together and whatnot then yeah, you have to take it slow. When you put yourself out there like that, sharing all the details of your personality/life etc, you're in a very vulnerable position. You have to know for certain that the person you're sharing intimate details of your life with is worth it. It's worth you putting yourself out there for this person. You can't make that determination in a week's time, or a month's time. Things like that need to be taken slow.

August 29, 2012

going slow builds the friendship/relationship on a deeper level and you get to see just how much you do/do not like the person. the longer the beginning stage/dating period the better off you are; you are learning about each other all the time and seeing each other in a variety of circumstances and sitations that reveal how the person truly is. and, when times get tough in the relationship, it's much easier to reconcile when you've let a friendship build - there are many shared memories and experiences that you can reflect upon to make the relationship stronger. although many relationship can and do last after immediate intimacy those are exceptions, i believe. true love comes when you go slower and appreciate the person over several months/years of knowing them and not just after a few casual dates.

August 29, 2012

What's interesting is that I agree, going slow is probably a good idea when beginning a new relationship. I just don't know why? So I was hoping you LSers could shed some light. Everyone always says, "don't jump right in, go slow, consider the pacing," but I have a hard time understanding how doing so best serves the relationship.

What does going slow do that going fast doesn't? Are relationships more likely to last if starting slow? What's too slow? What's too fast?

Catch my drift?

There's no universal measure for optimum speed. Use your judgement.

August 29, 2012

OP, question. Do you have any close friends? People whom you'd take a bullet for and/or be at their side during tough times as well as good times? If you do, how long did it take to develop such a meaningful and healthy bond. Think of that as a fire.

Think of sex as an accelerant. It artificially distorts the time continuum of developing a healthy, bonded, trusting relationship through the brain chemicals released as a result of the organism's imperative to replicate itself.

'Going slow' is a conscious acknowledgment of the compromise in the processes.

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How does going slow serve the relationship?

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