NARS Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 Hello, LS. It's been years since my last post. Yet, I return, and I need some perspective. Sorry if I this gets long-winded. I met this girl a couple of months ago. We went on several dates and everything was cool. Nothing sexual, apart from a kiss on the lips when we meet/say goodbye. At some point, we got into a casual conversation about our dating lives and she talked about this guy she had been seeing on and off for a while. They were currently on a break. It seemed like she was really into him and wanted him to come around. I didn't think much of it at the time. I thought she'd moved on to see other people and I knew she was dating guys other than myself. A little later, I noticed she had lost interest and I decided to call it off, for lack of mutual interest. We weren't really going anywhere, anyway. She said we had already talked about it. I had no idea what she was talking about. Then, it dawned on me. She was talking about the guy with whom she was on break. She apologized profusely for leading me on and insisted that she enjoys my company and that I am a good person. She only keeps good people in her life. In fact, it would hurt her more to lose my friendship. She said she sees me as a "concert buddy" (we see a lot of shows together). She's sorry that she can't give me more - not while she's hung up on the other guy. I told her I needed some time to sort out my thoughts. So, what's the next step? I realize nothing will come of us; not in the immediate future, anyway. I accept that. She has been up front and honest. She's trustworthy and reliable. A part of me wants to stay friends because I do enjoy her company and frankly, I could use more friends in my life. Plus, female friend could be a valuable asset. However, the chronic, bitter reject feels used, betrayed and wants to cut her out completely. "Good/nice/great guy?" How many times have I heard that following rejection? "Concert buddy?" I have been relegated down to an activity partner? Great. The issue that sticks out the most is that she DID lead me on, even if she admitted it and even if I knew it or not at the time. I find that quite manipulative. Am I justified in feeling this way? She's apologized for making me feel this way. Should I forgive and forget?
The Way I Am Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 Men and women can be friends, but neither can be friends with someone they're hung up on. Are you capable of being friends with this woman and treating her no differently than you'd treat any other friend? Or will it hurt or upset you to know she's with someone else?
Author NARS Posted August 27, 2012 Author Posted August 27, 2012 Men and women can be friends, but neither can be friends with someone they're hung up on. Are you capable of being friends with this woman and treating her no differently than you'd treat any other friend? Or will it hurt or upset you to know she's with someone else? I get this is sort of rhetorical, but I knew from the beginning that she was seeing other people and I was completely okay with it. I will admit though that when she was talking about the other guy and how she felt about him, it did make me a little insecure.
The Way I Am Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 I get this is sort of rhetorical, but I knew from the beginning that she was seeing other people and I was completely okay with it. I will admit though that when she was talking about the other guy and how she felt about him, it did make me a little insecure. Being okay with someone dating other people when you've just started dating is a different matter. In that situation, you have just as much a shot as the rest of the options. You might even have other options yourself. No big deal. It's different if your feelings have moved past the point of dating around but the other person's have not but instead have moved in the other direction where you don't have any shot. If you can spend time with her and not be bothered by her dating another guy, then there's no reason not to be friends. If you are bothered, then give yourself at least enough time to move on to other girls before you attempt a friendship.
fishtaco Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 There's nothing to forgive, you put yourself in this spot. It was your fault, not hers. If you are interested in her, then act like you're interested in her, and accept nothing less. If you're willing to stick around and be the platonic boyfriend substitute, then don't be surprised if she accepts your offer, just like when you hand a starving person a hamburger, then blame him for it after he eats it. Sure, there are some exceptional people out there with enough principles and discipline that will not eat the hamburger despite the fact that they are starving. But they are the exception and not the rule. This is your own fault. So there's no "forgive". But forget is something to be discussed. The easiest way is to forget. She wants you to be a platonic boyfriend substitute. Don't buy into that BFF BS. You are a platonic boyfriend substitute, and nothing more. You have every right to cut her off. She doesn't need to be "at fault" for you to cut her off. If it benefits you, you can do it. Or alternately, this will train your control, which is invaluable when it comes to dating. Multidate a bunch of other women, while you still keep in touch with her. You get to train your emotional control, which invaluable. You also get to do a little social experimentation. Play with jealousy, play with the "people want what they can't have" concept, play with "women want men that other women want", and see what you get out of it. Maybe she'll come around, maybe she won't. But it'll be interesting, and you'll learn a lot, about yourself, and about how to date. Your call.
KatZee Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 I don't get how she led you on... I mean you went on a couple of dates, but during those dates she actively talked about a guy she was into (which you even SAW she was super into) and she was making it sound like she was waiting for him to come around... you "didn't think much of it at the time" and you ignored that. It's not like she agreed to be exclusive with you and then dumped you for the ex. It's not like she was having sex with you, just to run back to the ex. It was a couple dates, casual, she talked about this other guy... I'm not sure what part of this situation made you think anything more would come of it...
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