CC_101 Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 Hi guys, This is the first time I've posted in this forum, but have been reading it the last few days and it's really helped me. To give a bit of background, my girlfriend of 2 years dumped me about 4 weeks ago. We met at a mutual friend's wedding and hit it off straight away..I live and work in London, and her in Kent (I'm 32, and she's 31 by the way), so we generally only saw eachother at wkends. Anyway, in my eyes, the whole relationship was perfect, we were both madly in love...the first inkling I had that anything was maybe wrong was on holiday at Easter this year, when she acted all distant. When we got back, everything pretty much reverted to normal though.. In terms of the break up, she came round to mine about 6 wks ago, and burst into tears saying that even though we hadn't seen each other for 2 wks, she hadn't really missed me, and also said that we'd either have to move in, or split up, and at the moment, she didn't want to live with me. She then kept saying stuff like "I don't know what's wrong with me, you're perfect for me" etc...my friends, family love her, and likewise her with me (not that it makes much of a difference I guess!). We hugged and kissed on the sofa, with her still in tears and said we'd meet up a couple of weeks later, I told her not to contact me in this time. She came round a couple of weeks later, and greeted me with a big hug and kiss, and said that she thought her initial decision was correct, although now she was with me, she wanted to be around me. We kind of went over the same chat again, I was trying to suggest alternatives, ie coming down during the week more, so she had wkends to herself sometimes, or even renting a place in Kent etc. Her response was that she was worried because it was only me suggesting these things and not her. Eventually I just said that if she wanted to be single, she should just go and be single, then she started crying again. Eventually we snuggled up on the couch and agreed to meet for lunch the next wkend. Later on, I was having second thoughts and called her to say there was no point meeting up if it was just me - I gave her a couple of days to think about it and she emailed me, to say she wasn't sure but it wasn't fair on me at the moment, so it's best if we didn't meet. She said I was the most "special, generous and amazing" person she'd ever dated, but she needed time and space on her own (she even admitted this was a cliche). She also said she loved me but wasn't sure if her feelings for me ran as deeply as mine for her, and added that in 6 months this may end up being the worst decision of her life, but she'd have to take that risk.... I know time and space is a cliche, but in her case, she did live with her ex for 10 years and split up with him about 18 months before we got together - she she never really has been single. On the positive side, she isn't the sort of girl who goes out on the pull, so I think her reasoning is true. I'm not even sure why I'm posting this, as I know the only answer is to stay NC (which I have done since her last email). Another thing I need to do is to think of the bad times, but there literally weren't any - we never argued, were always tactile and got on amazingly well. I think at the moment, I'm just in the depression stage - I've been keeping busy, going to the gym and generally don't have a problem getting girls, it's just the one I would drop everything for doesn't want me (at the moment anyway). If anyone has any views / advice, that would be really helpful. I see a lot of people whose exes were horrible, nasty etc - unfortunately in my case, this wasn't the case at all - she was perfect. Thanks guys
Reegs Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 Hello..Welcome to the boards. Really sorry to hear about your story. My first response, goes back to your easter trip. What happened...and what happened when you came home? Did you ever bring the situation up to her? Did she acknowledge that she was acting distant? From the sounds of it to me, currently it seems to be a very one-sided relationship. You suggest things to her your ideas of how things could be better...but she is not bringing anything to the table. Was the relationship always like this? I think your correct in staying NC...but understand how tough it can be. Right now though...to me...it seems like the only option you have. Any kind of contact with her...will just completely push her away.
Author CC_101 Posted August 27, 2012 Author Posted August 27, 2012 Hi Reegs, Hmm, well we were away with her friends for a wedding, and she just seemed a bit off and not very coupley at all. I didn't mention it to her, as I have a tendency to just hold stuff in rather than arguing. In any case, for the second wk of the trip, things were ok again..and were fine after the trip too. I should also add that her mum was recently diagnosed with cancer and had a mastectomy right at the end of her relationship, so obviously this would have consumed her thoughts...but I'm not putting the break up down to that, that's too simple a solution. When she came round for the chat, she did say how she was being very selfish and had been horrible to me...to be honest, maybe it's because I'm putting her on a pedestal, but she was never really that horrible at all - I was always the happiest man in the world when we were going out. In terms of the one-sidedness - I get where you're coming from completely. No, it wasn't ever one-sided before, she made a huge effort with all my friends etc, used to come up to London all the time, and I did likewise. It would have become more one-sided in the future, as I would have had to move to Kent, which wasn't a huge issue, as the commute to work was fine - and obviously I loved her so would have done anything. In hindsight though, maybe it's for the best, as all my friends are in London, as is work etc. I think the issue really is a lack of closure to an extent - the fact she mentions in 6 months she may think it's the most hideous decision of her life kind of keeps me hanging in there, even though it shouldn't. I have no doubt that she's being sincere in all of this. In the mean time, I have been busy in the gym, which has been commented on a lot by all the girls in my group, and I'm busy selling my flat and upgrading to a bigger one ( I put selling it off for a while as would have just rented it out if I moved in with her). I also almost sorted a date for this wk with a very attractive girl, but then she started texting me a lot which made me feel weird, so I had to tell her that I wasn't ready for dating. Like I said above, it may well be in the future that splitting up is for the best, and I'll meet someone else even more beautiful, perfect, similar to me who lives closer. It's just hard when I read old love letters about how happy she was etc etc (I haven't done this for a month but still remember what she wrote). She's still on my FB, but I've unsubscribed and haven't looked at her page - there's obviously no reason to. I also kind of want her to see my photos and to see how well I appear to be doing (obviously just a brave face though!) In terms of the contact side, she did say in her final email that she would dearly love to hear from me but knows it would be too difficult for me (which was a little condescending I thought), and also wanted to stay in touch as she still wanted to see me...I told her we couldn't be friends or in touch. I guess I just really want a time machine for 6 months in the future. I'm pretty sure at the moment she'll be ok as she's quite pragmatic about stuff like this, but I hope that in 6 months she'll remember how nice I was to her (but not over-nice like a walkover), and how great we were as a couple..
Reegs Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 I think lack of closure is what plagues most people on these boards. With no closure, hope comes. With hope....we end up looking 6 months down the road to where THEY will be at that point. Start wondering where YOU will be in 6 months.....and start moving towards it. I was told by an ex once, that "she was worried this would be the worst decision of her life, and that she didn't know if she was going to regret this in a few months...or the rest of her life." that was her decision. by letting me go. Your ex did the same thing...and by doing that.....she said this....."i believe that I can get better than what we had together. I am going to look for better....and in 6 months...if I dont find that...I would like you to still be there." I dont think they ever intend to make you hold on.....but I think giving a 6 month window...or telling you that she might regret her decision is unfair. Right now...you need to continue to tell yourself that its over. If the case ever happens that she does come back....if you have gotten over her....your going to be able to make much better, precise decisions based on fact and rational thoughts as opposed to emotions. I think its great that you realized that you couldn't date right away. It shows you know who you are....and something you should be proud of. Give yourself the time you deserve and understand....like other phases in your life.....it will pass. After a breakup...it takes me a lot of time to get back out there. This isn't a sprint...its a marathon...take your time. No one is timing you.... I know your not looking at FB...and good for you....but FB is the devil. Why do you want to give her the opportunity to check up on you? I know you want to show her how well your doing...but i dont think you should give her the privilege. She wanted out of your life....I would REALLY remove myself from hers. I deactivated my FB after the breakup....havent been on since. Kinda liberating not having FB!! The less she sees...the more she will wonder. Not that you want her wondering anyways!! Sooner or later....you will have the curiosity to look....and when you do....it wont be any good. It never is. Stay NC....if she comes back...great. If she doesnt....I have no doubt that your going to be fine. Your sound like a very rational gent.
Author CC_101 Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 Thanks for the feedback again! You’re right about the lack of closure….part of me doesn’t want closure at the moment, whereas it would be easier if I did have it. I agree with most of what you say, although I genuinely don’t believe she is currently looking for better…I also don’t really think that she believes she can get better than we had….I appreciate it could look like I’m in denial, but I definitely believe that having been in relationships for the last 13 years, and I think she had a bit of GIGs syndrome – not necessarily with someone else, but just she has seen the benefit of being her own person for a few months. The reason I say all this, is because like I said before, when she broke down and said “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, you’re perfect for me”…. There is obviously an argument on the other side that if she thought I was that perfect, she wouldn’t have risked it all by splitting up. I completely agree that if it were to work in the future I have to get over her first, to stop any resentment that I may have. Generally I’m fairly pragmatic, and have been doing ok(ish) for the last 4 or 5 wks (eg have had no compulsion to text), but randomly the last 3 or 4 days I’ve been in bits. Annoyingly, I also had a dream about her last night with some fictional boyfriend which didn’t start my day well – no matter how many times I say to myself it was a dream, it still kills me! One of my friends spoke to a mutual friend who said that ex was also very sad, but thought if it was meant to be, it will be….although I know that won’t happen without effort (from her side initially) at some point down the line. I know there’s not really much advice I can be given – I know what needs to be done – staying busy, staying NC, seeing friends etc….but anything I’m missing would be hugely appreciated!
Ruby65 Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Welcome and sorry for your breakup. Have you read many of the older threads on this site? It might help you gain perspective.... so many people have an idealized version of their exes when they first tell their story, and believe the lies and excuses their exes tell them during the breakup! I myself, more than a decade ago, nearly ended a very longterm relationship and swore up and down this was because I had never been single and needed "space"....... which was a total lie! There was someone else, but it was so out of character for me that my then-partner never even suspected it. The fact that your ex feels so terrible.... loves you still and seems so tormented about her decision.... but tells you she needs to be single and have space..... all point to someone else. The truth is, when you're in love and happy in your relationship, you NEVER want space. If you need to grow, you do it WITH the man you love. You don't walk away from a man you want to be with for the sake of personal growth. But if you're attracted to someone else... while still genuinely loving the man you're currently with? This is the kind of painful scenario that make women utter such painful relationship cliches as "I just need to be on my own for a while"..... Anyhow, good luck to you. Keep posting -- and read through more threads -- and keep up with the NC! It's really the best way to heal and move on. 2
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