Considering Having Casual Sex...

[effervescent]

I think that I eventually would like to find true love (or whatever), but for now I am content to be single. I do not connect with many people in general, let alone romantically and surely I am not everyone's cup of tea. I have never been in love or had a boyfriend, but I am 18, so it is not a big deal really since I am so young. I have a lot of physical attractions though, well at least a lot more than I have mental attractions let alone combined mental/physical. I am inexperienced, like I have only made out with two guys. At times I really wish I could explore my attractions, but I am uncertain how I would react if I did become sexual with somebody. I do not want to end up with regrets, but how will I know if I would regret it?

 

I am not really the type either, not that there is really a type. I mean I am completely oblivious to a guy flirting with me, I just cannot pick up when a guy likes me. I can get it with others, but I am of the introverted bookish daydreamer sort of girl, so I tend to assume people do not notice me. I do not flirt or really even act friendly (not because I am snobby, I am just kind of shy). I do not go out very often or drink/party at all, I am just not a social butterfly. I was also raised quite conservatively by parents who were Christians and I was home-schooled. I really did not get much interaction with anyone outside of church until I was about 15 and broke away from it, I still have a lot of residual imprinting and a good deal of it has to do with sex and why it should not be had outside of marriage. I know it still effects me, especially because I still live with my parents. I do wonder if (even though I do not believe this) I will view myself as bad, dirty, or ruined or if it will not be much of an issue. I do not consciously think that, after all. I guess what I am wondering is, would it be a terrible idea for me to have sex in a casual manner?

 

Except for this one guy (unrequited "love" with best friend), I have never met a a man in real life that I thought I had "long-term potential" with. I have, however, seen a lot of guys who I could date for a few months, but not anyone else who I could imagine spending years of my life with. Maybe I am being too picky, but I do not want to go into a relationship unless I am fully into it. I do not want to deceive someone and have to pretend. Yet sometimes I yearn for a man's affections and just recently I have met a young man on fetlife (I had just made an account to check things out, but we got to talking) who seems to be good looking and intelligent.

 

I doubt he would be interested in me long term and I am fairly sure that we would not have potential, but how do I know if I can handle something like this? I have agreed to meet up with him at a concert for a date.

 

I just don't know and your advice sure could help me to figure this out.

[pteromom]

How far have you gone? Have you kissed a guy? If yes, were you able to "handle" that without getting emotionally swept up in him?

 

If no, that's where I would start. Just kiss him. Not a peck, but a good ol' make out session. Then go home.

 

See how you feel.

 

Do you find yourself romanticizing the kiss? Making more of it than what it was? Wondering if he's thinking about you? Fantasizing about a relationship? If so, I would NOT proceed to casual sex, because you will fall head over heels for the guy, and there is no use doing that if there is no potential for a future.

 

If you go home and are able to stay focused on how "hot" the kissing was without becoming emotionally involved with him at all, then proceed to oral sex and do the same experiment.

 

Casual sex is NOT for everyone. If it isn't for you, that's ok.

[CarrieT]

First words - at your age (and I remember well!) it is very easy to get emotionally attached to a guy you are "just being physical" with. The key is open and lots communication about your intentions, his intentions, and what you are doing, feeling, and experiencing.

 

I yearn for a man's affections and just recently I have met a young man on fetlife (I had just made an account to check things out, but we got to talking) who seems to be good looking and intelligent.

 

I spend a lot of time on Fet. To me, those folks tend to be major players and are often already in relationships but hiding a particular kink they are into. Be careful there.

 

 

I doubt he would be interested in me long term and I am fairly sure that we would not have potential, but how do I know if I can handle something like this? I have agreed to meet up with him at a concert for a date.

 

You are already projecting doubts and you haven't even met him. AND, in your mind, you are hoping/projecting for a long-term when you haven't even met him.

 

The hard part about meeting guys for just sex and then hoping or thinking about a relationship is that you have started the relationship on the wrong foot.

 

Trust me on this - I did it for years and years and years... I was on every site (Alt, collarme, Fet, AFF, etc) having sex with guys just because I had the yearning, but then had the hopes/fears issues of trying to get a relationship.

 

But you can't know if you can handle it until you actually start trying it and then, it might be too late. Only you know your inner self to know if you are the type of person to handle non-emotional sex or not. I wasn't able to at your age, although I kept trying, to the dismay of the number of notches on my bedpost I was accumulating...

 

Best of luck!

[fortyninethousand322]

If you're going to have casual sex make sure it's with a high status guy. Don't waste your time with some chump.

[effervescent]

I would like to thank everyone, I do appreciate your time and help.

 

 

@pteromom

 

I honestly did not feel much of anything for the guys I have kissed, but that happened after I met the guy I am hung up on. My heart is, quite unfortunately, full of him and I just cannot get into other guys. I keep comparing him to them and nobody can be him. it's not going to happen.

 

This guy looks and vibes similar to him, that is why I am attracted. Unfortunately, he doesn't seem similar person-wise to my friend. I am trying to at least follow anything that doesn't lead me deeper into my infatuation. I have wasted three years being in "love" with him while he has been in a relationship and I would never jeopardize our friendship by trying to interfere with that. I am trying to break out of my mold.

 

This is going to sound pathetic, but my friend, J is very pure and the most thing I fear is that he might think less of me. He is not overly judgmental, but I fear his concern and I cannot lie to him. It is silly I know, it is.

 

I think that's a really good idea.

 

 

@CarrieT

 

I am horrible at being open, but I'll keep it in mind and I definitely agree that I need to be careful.

 

You see that is the thing. On the level of my body, casual sex seems like a good idea. On the level of my heart it seems disappointing. On the level of my head it seems confusing.

 

What I really want is a relationship, but that is not an option unless and until I get it through my thick skull that I am just his friend. But I am not dead; I just don't want to look poorly upon myself.

 

I might feel nothing for this guy if I sleep with him or I might (god forbid) bond with him and have two people to play tag along with.

 

 

@fortyninethousand322

 

I am not really a status kind of gal, if I understand you correctly.

[CarrieT]

You see that is the thing. On the level of my body, casual sex seems like a good idea. On the level of my heart it seems disappointing. On the level of my head it seems confusing.

 

What I really want is a relationship, but that is not an option unless and until I get it through my thick skull that I am just his friend. But I am not dead; I just don't want to look poorly upon myself.

 

Based on this and what else you wrote, I honestly think that Casual Sex is a bad idea for you.

 

You really want a relationship and when you start opening the floodgates of physical pleasure, your mind will follow and you will be back to where you were the guy you couldn't have.

 

I called this "Morning After Regret." My body and sexual endorphins CRAVED a sexual release so badly that I had lots and lots of FWB and one-night stands. Most of the time, I hated myself in the morning and the subsequent feelings of regret were worse than the potential for physical pleasure.

 

For you, I would invest in a good vibrator or dildo and hold out for a full-on relationship before you start having sex. I understand - really, I do! - how much the desire aspect can overwhelm you to the point where you can't think straight.

 

In those cases, come here and vent. But I think you are looking for a relationship with a veneer of going about via casual sex and that backfires about 99% of the time.

[fishtaco]

Everyone is different, and want different things at different stages of their lives. There is nothing inherently wrong with casual sex. Really, the bottom line is as long as it's consensual and not against the law, you can do whatever you want.

 

But the only concern is what CarrieT said... are YOU okay with it?

 

I'm a big proponent of social experimentation, because that's how you learn about yourself, and the system. Experiences, even negative ones, can be useful, if you apply your lesson correctly.

 

So if you know already that you're not a casual sex type person, then don't do it. If you know already that you are okay with casual sex, then just be careful not to get an STD or pregnancy... those are much worse than "hurt feelings". If you are unsure, then I would say it's better to experiment now at 18 than when you are 35.

 

So it's your call. Either way you decide, you will not be wrong. And as long as you stay away from danger, i.e. men with criminal intent, STD, pregnancy, the worst that can happen is hurt feelings, and you cannot prevent hurt feelings from happening. That's just impossible no matter what you do. But you could gain valuable insight about yourself and how this whole thing works.

[Feelsgoodman]

I think that I eventually would like to find true love (or whatever), but for now I am content to be single. I do not connect with many people in general, let alone romantically and surely I am not everyone's cup of tea. I have never been in love or had a boyfriend, but I am 18, so it is not a big deal really since I am so young. I have a lot of physical attractions though, well at least a lot more than I have mental attractions let alone combined mental/physical. I am inexperienced, like I have only made out with two guys. At times I really wish I could explore my attractions, but I am uncertain how I would react if I did become sexual with somebody. I do not want to end up with regrets, but how will I know if I would regret it?

You can't live your entire life without having regrets. Eventually, you are going to reger missing out on opportunities and wondering "what if". As someone famous once said, it's better to regret something you've done than something you haven't.

[pteromom]

I agree with Carrie. I think if you really want a relationship but are hung up on your friend, the answer isn't in casual sex with someone who is kinda like your friend, but moving on and dating until you find someone worth pursuing a relationship with.

[It's Just Me]

Effervescent, your self-awareness and insight are astounding for someone so young! I am very impressed, and you are asking the right questions. You seem to view the world in a very realistic way - and that is important to this discussion.

 

I think we may be putting the cart before the horse, in this case. Work on your own social confidence and ability to spot someone flirting with you, first and foremost. Go to parties. Watch how others interact (the good way, not the bad way, mind you). And picking someone on the basis of spending the rest of your life with him, at your age, is wayyy too much pressure to put on yourself (and him, for that matter). Don't do that.

 

You remind me of myself at your age, and here's why: I question everything, and always have. I was dating a boy. We had been together for a year, and had only kissed and groped. I was a virgin. One weekend, his parents were gone until Sunday. He saw this as an opportunity to enjoy our 'first time' together. Before we did anything, I knew I had to think, so... I went into the bathroom and sat on the edge of the tub to have a conversation with myself, to weigh the pros and cons of what we were about to do.

 

My thought process: He's my boyfriend, and I might as well go for it to get the first time out of the way now. Better than being drunk somewhere with some random guy (as some of my friends had done and regretted). I could not see the negatives, so I did it. I didn't regret it, because I had a chance to think it through, and made a sober and conscious decision to go ahead. I didn't feel pressured at all; I was completely in control of everything - including the condom.

 

So, whatever you do... just make sure you're sober, not pressured, and are prepared to accept whatever happens afterward.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I think that I eventually would like to find true love (or whatever), but for now I am content to be single. I do not connect with many people in general, let alone romantically and surely I am not everyone's cup of tea. I have never been in love or had a boyfriend, but I am 18, so it is not a big deal really since I am so young. I have a lot of physical attractions though, well at least a lot more than I have mental attractions let alone combined mental/physical. I am inexperienced, like I have only made out with two guys. At times I really wish I could explore my attractions, but I am uncertain how I would react if I did become sexual with somebody. I do not want to end up with regrets, but how will I know if I would regret it?

 

I am not really the type either, not that there is really a type. I mean I am completely oblivious to a guy flirting with me, I just cannot pick up when a guy likes me. I can get it with others, but I am of the introverted bookish daydreamer sort of girl, so I tend to assume people do not notice me. I do not flirt or really even act friendly (not because I am snobby, I am just kind of shy). I do not go out very often or drink/party at all, I am just not a social butterfly. I was also raised quite conservatively by parents who were Christians and I was home-schooled. I really did not get much interaction with anyone outside of church until I was about 15 and broke away from it, I still have a lot of residual imprinting and a good deal of it has to do with sex and why it should not be had outside of marriage. I know it still effects me, especially because I still live with my parents. I do wonder if (even though I do not believe this) I will view myself as bad, dirty, or ruined or if it will not be much of an issue. I do not consciously think that, after all. I guess what I am wondering is, would it be a terrible idea for me to have sex in a casual manner?

 

Except for this one guy (unrequited "love" with best friend), I have never met a a man in real life that I thought I had "long-term potential" with. I have, however, seen a lot of guys who I could date for a few months, but not anyone else who I could imagine spending years of my life with. Maybe I am being too picky, but I do not want to go into a relationship unless I am fully into it. I do not want to deceive someone and have to pretend. Yet sometimes I yearn for a man's affections and just recently I have met a young man on fetlife (I had just made an account to check things out, but we got to talking) who seems to be good looking and intelligent.

 

I doubt he would be interested in me long term and I am fairly sure that we would not have potential, but how do I know if I can handle something like this? I have agreed to meet up with him at a concert for a date.

 

I just don't know and your advice sure could help me to figure this out.

 

 

 

I agree that this is a good read. It is sort of what I expect all young women to think through - although most typically it zoooooooms very fast while they are, say, in somebody's car on the way to a popular make-out spot, with the pros and cons not afforded true equality in such a potent setting.

 

Indeed I'm guessing that the home-schooling part, and to a lesser extent the religious part both impacted you a good deal. Some of the best parts of true "education" happen in the lunchrooms and in the hallways near one's locker.

 

Also, I get the sense that all women spend a lot of years sort of measuring their social worth in terms of how sought-after they are from all corners. Maybe for the aforementioned reasons you've just had a late start at that process and maybe three years will go by and then you'll feel more sure of which path you most prefer.

 

The kinds of males seeking to have casual sex with 18yo females definitely aren't the types to leave positive imprints on the psyche OF those 18yo females. Such an experiment could have a negative impact on you, even though it may feel great in the moment.

 

Regarding potential guilt - I do indeed guess from what you've described that you'd have minutes/hours/times of regret if looking back on some of your first sexual experiences being of the "casual" variety.

 

I'm glad you recognize yourself as being "young"... for there are far too many females who probably consider ending it all if still unattached upon the arrival of their 16th birthday.

 

Who knows? Perhaps to be just beginning that ritual that is a young female gauging her apparent social worth by observing the actions of males all around her might be more easily undertaken if begun after age 15 than if begun at age 12 or so. Maybe you're in a 'good place' and merely can't figure it out for nobody around you being able to describe their contrast in full detail.

 

One thing is for sure about you: your mind is in the game, which is great.

[espec10001]

Look, we live in an age where casual sex is thought of as not too big a deal. It IS a big deal! Do you want to get pregnant now? Do you want to contract an STD? Heck, even with protection, you're still going to worry.

 

My advice, wait for the right guy. Don't jump off the bridge just because everyone else does. A lot of girls become single moms this way.

[irin]

i honestly have no experience, but alot of my friends say they were left feeling empty and unsatisfied, quite a few off them had their hearts played with, with the whole FWB thing. but the only advise i would give people your age is never do anything your not ready for and never put yourself in uncomfortable situations.

[Tiera D]

the thing about fwb is = someone is gona get hurt eventually and mostly its the girl,i agree with carrie as well remember love and sex are different things many people did not see the difference

 

TD

[Ninjainpajamas]

Casual sex is not bad in the sense that you're evil, going to hell or throwing your body into fire. That's your own psychological religious beliefs getting into your head..I was raised conservatively to a degree as well, I've spent time in Christian schools.

 

However casual sex can be very deceiving...what you intend to be casual hardly ends up so basically.

 

Here's what happens to women who typically engage in casual sex effervescent;

 

- Decide they like a guy enough to take a chance and become sexual with him because he seems nice, sweet, charming...whatever.

 

- Have casual sex with him, then they find themselves liking the guy more.

 

- Continue having "casual" sex with him and find themselves becoming more emotionally invested...at first she just thought he was a good guy but now he's a great guy!

 

- After spending time together and thinking that "I think he really likes me, I like him a lot, this feels good to have someones affection and care" (which honestly may be bottom of the barrel or whenever he wants to give it to you)..but it feels like it's filling a void for you regardless.

 

- At some point you want exclusivity or wonder if this would turn into a relationship so you say "What are we? where is this going?" and the guy says something like "Well I really like you and think you're an amazing girl...buuuut I don't think I'm ready for anything serious".

 

You're like wtf...how could you be experiencing all of this If it wasn't real and significant? you feel like everything is going great and you're really connecting. But what you don't really is for that men him sticking his penis in your vagina is driven mainly by sexual desire, he's become somewhat emotionally attached and invested but men are more capable of keeping their emotions out than women are..and that's where the tracks don't cross at the same intersection then.

 

Eventually you just keep doing it though because you think the guy is great (although you're not noticing how much of a jerk or other negative qualities or incompatibilities there are because you think you're falling for or in love with the guy so it's just all romantic fantasy at this point for you) but ultimately you hope for things to change and become more exclusive but he never does. He never really wants more than what you have right now, he thinks that everything is fine now why change...and why change for him? he's getting everything he wants and needs because you're giving it all too him at some point because you're going with your emotions even If you see things being mismatched or having concerns.

.................

 

As you get older you'll find this process less appealing and satisfying...you'll start to see the process and reality because after a few times of doing this you'll think about how much time you wasted and invested....although that may not stop you from continuing to do it.

 

Does every woman work like this and have the same outcome?

 

Some women can detach too, and some women know their limit as in sleeping with a guy for one night or a weekend doesn't mean they'll become emotionally invested...they can walk around feeling great about themselves regardless just about the sex...while others will feel like cheap you know what.

 

Men will judge you for being this way too though...If they feel you engage in this casual sex thing often you will definitely not make relationship material status for a some, but that doesn't mean they won't keep sleeping with you for the time being.

 

There's a lot to know and understand about the dynamic between men and women...sometimes casual sex leads to a relationship, sometimes even a marriage. But it's ultimately knowing where your boundaries are and what you are comfortable with, but you should just never just take a deep dive into without knowing how you feel about it...you should take things a step at a time and If you feel comfortable with it then you can do it...just remember a lot of guys (even the ones that comes off great in the beginning...trust me, everyone's a nice guy in the beginning just about) are very different than what they appear, and many have a facade they put on just to get what they want...which is what you'll see more of as you get older...the best ones you won't even think were playing a game with you just genuinely good guys that didn't work out.

 

I may be giving you too much to think about at this point...but these are things I'd tell my own imaginary daughter, and any other young woman.

 

There's a lot of game playing going on (hormones and youth for your age) out there and in love you will get hurt. Pick and choose what you feel is worth the investment, give yourself time to grow up and read men and see how they work...at your age a lot are extremely obvious, but as they get older you'll have a hard time distinguishing the good from the bad. Never think because a guy is from X background or does this or that he's a good guy, just read the guy...get a feeling and vibe for the guy, take your time getting to know him instead of rushing into it...the more chances you take with the less you know the way more likely you will can get hurt.

 

Remember you don't have to go with the flow or with what church recommends or what society is doing as a whole...never give a crap of what's going on around you...you do what is right for YOU.

 

I would suggest waiting and getting to know a guy for 2 or 3 months before getting sexual with him in general, but that may take longer for you at your age...maybe even up to six months. I wouldn't throw away my virginity on a guy you didn't respect and know well If I were you.

 

As you get older you'll have more sense and emotional control, when you're young you're extremely vulnerable, everything is confusing and conflicting and you feel like you need everything right away like you're in some kind of hurry....very dramatic.

[Radu]

You might feel that you are a late bloomer, but that is not so.

 

I was 25 when i lost my virginity [guy here], she didn't know it was my first time, and tbh ... i kinda regret not having lost it to my then good female friend who i ended up in a FWB type of relationship later on.

I felt pressured with the 1st girl, i did not feel pressured with that friend.

 

There are guys out there who are not into casual sex, i don't know if their numbers are high or small.

 

It was 28 when i started learning about body language, relationships ... etc.

I highly recommend you get a few books and read them :

- Body Language Almanaque by Allen Pease

- How to Win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie

- Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goldman [social intelligence one is good too]

 

Someone suggested you learn your own body and to buy a vibrator.

It's a good ideea, explore that.

You would not believe it, but knowing the male and female genital anatomy translates into incredible sex later on, just by learning that you are way ahead of the class.

[manup]

I think that I eventually would like to find true love (or whatever), but for now I am content to be single. I do not connect with many people in general, let alone romantically and surely I am not everyone's cup of tea. I have never been in love or had a boyfriend, but I am 18, so it is not a big deal really since I am so young. I have a lot of physical attractions though, well at least a lot more than I have mental attractions let alone combined mental/physical. I am inexperienced, like I have only made out with two guys. At times I really wish I could explore my attractions, but I am uncertain how I would react if I did become sexual with somebody. I do not want to end up with regrets, but how will I know if I would regret it?

 

I am not really the type either, not that there is really a type. I mean I am completely oblivious to a guy flirting with me, I just cannot pick up when a guy likes me. I can get it with others, but I am of the introverted bookish daydreamer sort of girl, so I tend to assume people do not notice me. I do not flirt or really even act friendly (not because I am snobby, I am just kind of shy). I do not go out very often or drink/party at all, I am just not a social butterfly. I was also raised quite conservatively by parents who were Christians and I was home-schooled. I really did not get much interaction with anyone outside of church until I was about 15 and broke away from it, I still have a lot of residual imprinting and a good deal of it has to do with sex and why it should not be had outside of marriage. I know it still effects me, especially because I still live with my parents. I do wonder if (even though I do not believe this) I will view myself as bad, dirty, or ruined or if it will not be much of an issue. I do not consciously think that, after all. I guess what I am wondering is, would it be a terrible idea for me to have sex in a casual manner?

 

Except for this one guy (unrequited "love" with best friend), I have never met a a man in real life that I thought I had "long-term potential" with. I have, however, seen a lot of guys who I could date for a few months, but not anyone else who I could imagine spending years of my life with. Maybe I am being too picky, but I do not want to go into a relationship unless I am fully into it. I do not want to deceive someone and have to pretend. Yet sometimes I yearn for a man's affections and just recently I have met a young man on fetlife (I had just made an account to check things out, but we got to talking) who seems to be good looking and intelligent.

 

I doubt he would be interested in me long term and I am fairly sure that we would not have potential, but how do I know if I can handle something like this? I have agreed to meet up with him at a concert for a date.

 

I just don't know and your advice sure could help me to figure this out.

Just make sure he's a jerk and gives you gina tingles. That way when you're 30 you can be ready for love or whatever because you'll be so sick of jerks.