Just another story

[xxxV]

Hello everyone.

 

I have been reading this forum for sometime but this is my first post. Let me start by saying that english is not my native language so accept my apologies in case of any serious mistakes.

 

I am what you call a Wayward Spouse.

My story is, from what i have read, not very different or peculiar.

I am now 36 yo. I married 10 years ago, and we have been together for 16 years. My wife had been, up to my affair, my only sexual partner and the only person that I really loved.

We have a good life, considering the part of the world where we live in.

She is a beautiful, caring and intelligent woman.

 

For the last 6 years we have been trying to have children. Initially I was not very enthusiastic about it. I really was never excited about being a father...and it all relates.

My father worked abroad most of my childhood and ended up leaving my mother when I was about 16. He had another family elsewhere. I recently spoke to him for the 1st time in 15 years. He had not even met my wife. I feared becoming a bad parent and never felt up to the task.

 

Anyway, for the last 2 to 3 years in the pursuit of having children, me and my wife really began to drift away. This was something really important to her and I started to feel neglected. We would have sex only in the appropriate time window. Then we started fertility treatments, as we both have problems.

 

My projects and interests were not very important to her. She became completely obsessed with maternity. She also became very aggressive and critical of me, going as far as saying that it was all my fault that we didn’t have children or that I didn’t ever tried to really have children.

 

In the meantime I joined a band. I am a drummer and always played in various bands. This one was more sucessful, we had more rehearsals and gigs, which made me spend more time out of the house. And also, the social life that came with hanging out with the folks in the band slowly became a bit too much. As did consumption of alcohol and eventually other drugs.

 

About 1 year ago, a female friend of a friend started flirting deliberately with me. We started to talk via facebook and things almost got out of hand in a very short period of time. Nothing physical ever happened but I was emotionnaly envolved.We spoke and we stopped talking before it got any further.

I had never felt like this and was appaled at myself for feeling and doing what I was doing. The attention was the only driver. This girl was not beautiful, not very interesting....(not that it would matter, of course, but it made me feel even more confused).

Actually it was her that cut all contact and I will forever thank her. (I have since seen met her socially and we are ok, we don’t hang out, speak on the phone or anything, I only say “Hello, how are you doing?” and be on my way in 1 minute).

 

Anyway, right after this happened I started talking with a friend that was friends (and co-worker) with the 1st girl about what this all meant.

This was the 1st bad move with her that led to a series of even worse moves. She was single and a “damsel” in distress. A very romantic and heartbroken single woman, an artist and a poet.

We would talk for hours over the phone or via chat about our problems.

She even encouraged me to seek MC with my wife.

I tried convincing my wife but she refused. My wife, up to this point, had always refused help from anyone regarding our fertility problems and considered attending MC “complete non-sense”. She didn’t care for mental health practicioners, although she was already in a very depressive state.

 

In less than 1 month i developed very strong feelings for this girl.

After one month this was an EA. I was convinced that I didn’t love my wife anymore since what I felt for the OW was so “strong”, even though we (I and OW) never spoke openly about what was going on.

 

I told my wife that my feelings for her where not enough to continue our marriage. I denied that I had feelings for anyone else. I was also mad at my wife for what I felt as years of neglect. The next day I moved out (to a spare room in my mother’s old house) One week after this, the girl sent me poems about me. In 2 weeks we went out on a date.

I was unsure about what to expect but I felt that this was a chance to restart my life...

And on that day the a physical relationship started. Not sex right way, but it started. In the meantime, my drinking and teenage behaviour (that I never had while I was a teenager) skyrocketed.

 

My wife (and nowadays even I) could not recognize who I was. She said that it was her or divorce, she was not accepting separation to sort things out.

I seeked a lawyer and started the paperwork (it is very fast over here). Eventually, me and my wife decided that it would be wiser to go No Contact for sometime in order to understand what we should really do.

 

In the meantime the Affair was going on, although it was tumultuous. In 2 1/2 months we broke up 2 times. The pressure was high but we would just to reconnect the next day. We couldn’t stop. This was all secretive. We would meet in strange places, make out in the car...etc. It never became really sexual, it was much more emotional.

 

While this was going on, my wife lost her job and found what that her mother had cancer. I started to feel like a real dirtbag. She was suffering so much and I was not there for her. She had help me so much in getting over my anxiety problems.....

After the 1st brakup with the girl, I spoke to my wife and asked if we could start MC. She accepted. My initial intention was to end on good terms!

 

I tried to end the Affair, just to fail on 2 or 3 occasions. At last, in late Feb. 2012 it stopped....while in bed, at a motel. I said that I couldn’t do it, that I had become what I always hated. We both cried and said goodbye. The next day me and girl exchanged No Contact letters. But we couldn’t stick to what we promised and there was some contact for 1 more month. That included 1 train trip to a distant city to see a concert: this was the most horrific day of my existence....I really don’t know why I went...that day I told her that I might had been in love with her but that this was a foggy feeling and I really loved my wife.

 

When I returned I called my wife and told her what was going on. This was March 12, 2012 (girl's birthday btw). It took me about 1 month to fully disclose what happened to my wife.

 

She was appalled but not completely surprised.

In April 2012 I returned home.We continued MC and things have been better. She was angry and sad. But she had started IC before and she managed to pull herself out of a depressive very quickly. Last month our counselour said that we were ok. We have talked for hours about everything in our relantionship. I am extremely remorseful and I am frequently apologizing. I never tought I would pull such a thing. And I don’t want to do it ever again.

 

After the Affair ended I became depressed. I have always been very anxious. Coming clean helped but it didn’t resolve the depression. I have been going to IC and things seem better.

I live in a small city and the other girl used to work here. While I never contacted her, I saw her on the street a few times. It was not good. I started to avoid certain places.

Another time, me and my wife saw her at a place where we used to go out. We decided to stop going there. These measures have helped.

I know that girl quit her job and no longer works here, which is also good.

I also know that she started dating a friend of mine and that used to work with her. I try to avoid contact with him.

But I still fear meeting her and it just might happen, given that our social circles connect.

 

I fear falling in her arms, although that is not what I want. For a long time I also felt guilty for the way I treated her. During this period of time I was an extremely selfish person.

 

Two months ago she broke NC and emailed me saying that what happened shouldn’t have happened, but that she had loved me, bla-bla, that her new boyfriend was not a sign that what we had was just superficial, bla-bla.

I showed the email to my wife and we agreed to only say “let’s all learn from mistakes, no more contact please” or something in these lines.

 

But sometimes I really miss her, because we had a nice friendship up to the Affair. And during the affair I felt like I had never felt in my life.

I can’t demonize her. I am most to blame for what happened. Although she said that she was in love with me, she tried to stop it much more than I did. She told me to go back to my wife numerous times and that it was easier to rebuild something like what we had than to start again. I just want to stop thinking about her.

 

Anyway, I don’t think I really have a question. I just don’t like when a kind of fog seems to come back. I know that it relates with my own issues and that it will eventually go away. But any advice would be helpful. I know that Reconciliation is a life long task.

 

Cheers.

[Radu]

How old are you and your wife ?

[xxxV]

We are both 36.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Hey thanks for sharing. You sound pretty remorseful, counseling is so important I think. You guys need to rebuild that love.

 

I think it's a good sign that you showed that letter to your wife. That's the kind of honesty you need to have to rebuild trust. Honesty when it's hard, and showing her that letter was probably scary.

[BetrayedH]

How is your wife holding up?

 

To be honest, I'm hearing a lot here about how you are feeling (still wanting the OW) but little true remorse about what your wife has endured and still given you the gift of reconciliation. You use the word, remorse, but have said little that indicates you actually empathize with her.

 

I am not trying to be harsh. It seems common to me that waywards often continue to focus on themselves even after dday. They focus on the loss of their affair partner and obsess over their own guilty feelings and depression. Meanwhile, your wife has been betrayed in the worst way possible by the one person who was supposed to be the one person to protect her at all costs. What a disservice you are doing to her. She is probably devastated and you are thinking about how it is affecting you. Quit being selfish.

 

Who cares how YOU feel when you see the OW? Imagine how insulting i must be to your wife to tolerate either of you ever having to be around her. You should seriously be considering moving to another city out of respect for your wife and the sacrifices she is making for you. And you should be doing it proactively. As for the OW, you should be working on mental NC. She gets zero percent of your thoughts in a day. Redirect that energy.

 

In short, what are you doing to help your wife heal?

[xxxV]

BetrayedH

 

thanks for the words, harsh or not.

My wife has it's good and bad moments as one should expect. Just yesterday she exploded at me because of something not at all related with the affair. And she spoke about the affair like a weapon, in order to shut me up. I felt really bad and them she also regreted speaking about it that way.

 

I didn't mention what I did in order for her to heal but it's not like I haven't done anything.

I have quited the band, I quited drinking. I don't go out unless I am with her.

I don't hang out with any "friends" that in anyway ended up assisting to what happened.

I (re)started IC. It was also I that requested MC and insisted on continuing with it (right now our counselor said that we are fine and that we don't need her anymore).

I call her several times a day. She always knows where I am.

She started her own business and I am helping her with that.

Moving to another town is not an option where I live (I live in small country not the US).

Anyway the girl doesn't live here and doesn't work here anymore, so that is not a problem. I don't hang out with common friends, although a few situations might occur. I have avoided them actively. Me and my wife spoke about that and we will go away if that happens.

Of course she feels really bad whenever she sees the other girl, as i do.

 

I didn't mention this because my focus when posting here was understanding why do I still feel like this. I would love to be in mental NC!!! I was asking how to do it!!

[Ninja'sHusband]

I didn't mention this because my focus when posting here was understanding why do I still feel like this. I would love to be in mental NC!!! I was asking how to do it!!

 

There's a site called SurvivingInfidelity, they have a wayward spouse section. I've seen some really good discussions on that subject over there. I think it's going to be really hard in this particular forum with so many angry betrayed spouses (like myself ^^)

[Spark1111]

BetrayedH

 

thanks for the words, harsh or not.

My wife has it's good and bad moments as one should expect. Just yesterday she exploded at me because of something not at all related with the affair. And she spoke about the affair like a weapon, in order to shut me up. I felt really bad and them she also regreted speaking about it that way.

 

I didn't mention what I did in order for her to heal but it's not like I haven't done anything.

I have quited the band, I quited drinking. I don't go out unless I am with her.

I don't hang out with any "friends" that in anyway ended up assisting to what happened.

I (re)started IC. It was also I that requested MC and insisted on continuing with it (right now our counselor said that we are fine and that we don't need her anymore).

I call her several times a day. She always knows where I am.

She started her own business and I am helping her with that.

Moving to another town is not an option where I live (I live in small country not the US).

Anyway the girl doesn't live here and doesn't work here anymore, so that is not a problem. I don't hang out with common friends, although a few situations might occur. I have avoided them actively. Me and my wife spoke about that and we will go away if that happens.

Of course she feels really bad whenever she sees the other girl, as i do.

 

I didn't mention this because my focus when posting here was understanding why do I still feel like this. I would love to be in mental NC!!! I was asking how to do it!!

 

You miss the way the affair made you feel. I am guessing young and free with no adult responsibilities, no demands, just adolescence at it's finest: playing in the band, drinking with the boys, and women, at least initially, who placed no life demands as you would on a husband you are wanting to have a child with and a future.

 

There is no more frustrating need then trying to have a baby with the MAN YOU LOVE and not being able to. For women, the maternal instinct can be obsessive...and it is suppose to be as procreation of the species is what we, if we want it, will stop at NOTHING to attain it.

 

For women that can be crazy-making and I think you need to cut your wife some slack. I know women who have divorced, immediately, a man who did not want to have a baby with her or was incapable of it.

 

DIVORCED.

 

Your wife kept trying, and trying and trying with you...which means to me she LOVED you....and YOU felt neglected?

 

You could have divorced her if you did not want children and wanted to be the object of her undevoted attention.

 

Yet, you did not. Why? Because you loved her yet you had at least TWo affairs?

[xxxV]

I guess I miss the the way it made me feel, yes.

I was never a teenager because of several events in my family history.

 

Regarding trying to have children and the effects is has on women and men:

I am not shallow, although I was initially not very keen on the idea of having children, since I love my wife, I too started wanting it. And I still do.

That is why we started trying 7 years ago and treatment 6 years. The fact that for 2 years now we know that it is almost impossible didn't stop us and it should.

It damaged our relantionship.

Obsessions are not a good thing and claiming our instincts as a justification doesn't work for me.

If so, men running around women would be OK...we just want to spread the species, it's in our genes...(I am being sarcastical).

And it's not. And that is why I feel bad.

 

Still I need to learn more.

[BetrayedH]

I agree with NinjasHusband that the wayward forum at survivinginfidelity.com is probably a safer place for you to get advice at the moment as you can request that only other wayward spouses reply to you and they have been where you are (trying to achieve mental NC). But there are a lot of helpful posters here, too, and while other betrayed spouses can be harsh (even to other betrayed spouses!), sometimes the brutal honesty I find here is the most helpful.

 

As for achieving mental NC, one suggestion I have seen several times is to envision a "Stop" sign in your mind everytime your thoughts start to go that direction. Make a conscious choice to Stop entertaining those thoughts and then redirect your thoughts elsewhere, probably to something like what you can do for your betrayed wife. If you find yourself reentering your affair fantasyland, stop yourself and make a conscious choice that you are going to spend the next 10 minutes dedicated to doing something that will make your wife feel special and appreciated today.

 

I think it also helps to stop looking at the affair through the lens of it being so wonderful. Was it really that wonderful? Parts of it were, to be sure. But imagine what happens when real life intrudes (as it would with any ongoing relationship). Affairs are fantastic because they are a fantasy. But of course, they are a fantasy and those aren't real and don't last. In reality, the longer it went, the worse it would have been. Use your intellect to realize, you don't really want to be there.

 

As well, when you find yourself in the fantasy, imagine your wife's face when she realizes that you're back there again. Take control of your mind. You know that the world of unicorns and rainbows with your OW doesn't exist. Stop trying to live there. The last time you tried to live there, how did that work out for you? If you went there again, how would your life turn out? Would it be all sunshine and sunflowers? Don't let your mind pretend that it would be.

 

Good luck.

Edited August 28, 2012 by BetrayedH

[road]

 

Two months ago she broke NC and emailed me saying bla-bla

 

I showed the email to my wife and we agreed to only say “let’s all learn from mistakes, no more contact please” or something in these lines.

 

But sometimes I really miss her,

 

Anyway, I don’t think I really have a question.

 

That's because you don't really think.

 

If you did you would of set up a new email, blocked her email incase OW found the new email, and change your phone number, blocked her phone number then NC would not of been broken.

 

The only smart and good thing you did was to tell your BW about the broken NC.

[xxxV]

I agree with NinjasHusband that the wayward forum at survivinginfidelity.com is probably a safer place for you to get advice at the moment as you can request that only other wayward spouses reply to you and they have been where you are (trying to achieve mental NC). But there are a lot of helpful posters here, too, and while other betrayed spouses can be harsh (even to other betrayed spouses!), sometimes the brutal honesty I find here is the most helpful.

 

As for achieving mental NC, one suggestion I have seen several times is to envision a "Stop" sign in your mind everytime your thoughts start to go that direction. Make a conscious choice to Stop entertaining those thoughts and then redirect your thoughts elsewhere, probably to something like what you can do for your betrayed wife. If you find yourself reentering your affair fantasyland, stop yourself and make a conscious choice that you are going to spend the next 10 minutes dedicated to doing something that will make your wife feel special and appreciated today.

 

I think it also helps to stop looking at the affair through the lens of it being so wonderful. Was it really that wonderful? Parts of it were, to be sure. But imagine what happens when real life intrudes (as it would with any ongoing relationship). Affairs are fantastic because they are a fantasy. But of course, they are a fantasy and those aren't real and don't last. In reality, the longer it went, the worse it would have been. Use your intellect to realize, you don't really want to be there.

 

As well, when you find yourself in the fantasy, imagine your wife's face when she realizes that you're back there again. Take control of your mind. You know that the world of unicorns and rainbows with your OW doesn't exist. Stop trying to live there. The last time you tried to live there, how did that work out for you? If you went there again, how would your life turn out? Would it be all sunshine and sunflowers? Don't let your mind pretend that it would be.

 

Good luck.

Thanks BetrayedH.

That really helps. I have tried some of those steps before and they have worked (at least somewhat). I will continue to use them, with more confidence now.

 

road Sorry, but i think. I changed my mobile, got an Android phone, blocked her phone via some app (I can't change my number). Blocked her email at the ISP. She contacted me via facebook. I closed my account and started another one without my real name. She must have found out through friends. I have since blocked her there too.

Probably I didn't think enough.

I am starting to remember why I avoid internet forums (of any sort).

[xxxV]

Although I was separated went it happended it was an affair. We were not divorced.

I just thought I was in love with someone else.

I made a mistake, Should I kill myself now?!?

And leave the wife that I love and loves me?

Although I am somewhat young I was brought up believing that whenever something is broken it's best to fix it than to throw it away.

I am trying to fix it and I am not about to give up.

 

Although it was not my case, abelincoln, there are situations when a new relantionship (a good and working one) starts between married and unmarried persons. I am not defending it, I am just saying that it can happen.

[xxxV]

I am not claiming that it just happens. I described how it happened to me. How and when. The why is always is the most difficult part.

[BetrayedH]

I am not claiming that it just happens. I described how it happened to me. How and when. The why is always is the most difficult part.

 

Keep working on the "why." I once read that you should follow the "six degrees of why" process. The first answer when you ask why is usually a very surface answer. Something like, "I felt lonely." Then you ask why you felt that way. Keep going at least six degrees. There is a certain truth to the saying that something is broken within a wayward spouse. Your logical, ethical, healthy, and moral choices were to either fix your marriage or divorce. Something is/was broken within you that allowed you to make a choice that wasn't logical, healthy, ethical, or moral. In fact, it was like dropping a nuke on your marriage. Why was that? Most answers end up leading to a part of you that was broken within your family of origin (never feeling appreciated, always having to be the "responsible one" or the like).

 

Bear in mind that none of these are satisfactory reasons to have an affair. Ultimately, there are no good excuses and we have to own our poor decisions. Knowing your reason why isn't about excusing it. The point is that your wife needs to know that you have done enough introspection, that you understand enough about what was broken within you, such that you can avoid that pitfall in the future and that she can TRUST you again. This is why answers having to do with what your wife did/didn't do, infertility problems, etc always end up being so far off the target of what your wife needs to hear. She was in the same unhappy marriage and didn't cheat. Your "why" has nothing to do with your wife, the state of your marriage, or your struggles at that time. It's something inside you that allowed you to make a choice that you don't even personally agree with. That's the reason that the first few "whys" just aren't satisfactory, especially if they shift the blame to the spouse or the OW.

 

Realize that no reason will be sufficient for your wife to excuse your choice but your willingness to dig deep, identify, and fix that broken part of you is precisely what may allow your wife to trust you again, maybe not blindly, but enough that she feels secure in her decision to stay.

 

Keep working at it. And keep doing what you are doing. She will still get angry because she has mind-movies and things that trigger thoughts about your affair. She doesn't want to punish you. She stayed because she loves you and wants to make it work (I think). She hates those emotions as much as you. She is choking down a sh/t sandwich you served to her and sometimes she vomits in your direction. Not her fault.

 

Good luck.

[turnera]

I have a job for you. Buy this book and you and your wife start reading it together. A chapter a night. Turn off the tv and read until you finish a chapter. Once you're done, sit down and discuss what you've learned. Make a plan to make your marriage the great thing it should have been all along; this book will tell you exactly how. We can help with that. (and look into adopting)

 

It's called His Needs Her Needs by Harley.

[frozensprouts]

Op, from what i understand, you also have some issues around anxiety? ( apart from your affair/marriage)

 

If so, you may find that you are "ruminating" ...constantly going over and over things in your mind in a way that really serves no purpose other than to upset you.

 

While it's okay to go over things and try and find meaning and learn from them, if it's non productive or even harmful to keep ruminating, then it's best to stop.

 

( my daughter does this. It's linked to her having issues with anxiety)

 

What her counselor told her was to set aside a certain portion of each day during which she is allowed to "ruminate" over a particular topic. Any other time she finds herself thinking about it, she is to make a conscious effort to stop or to make the time spent thinking about it productive(i.e.- try and figure out a way to handle to situation, learn from it, etc., and not just sit worrying about it or feeling bad). As time goes by, she makes that period of time that she is allowed to "ruminate" shorter and shorter, until she no longer wastes any mental energy on it.

[xxxV]

Yes, I am a ruminator. I go over and over things in general. If they are bad the rumination is even stronger.

I have trying the strategy of just thinking about what happened for short periods of time. Stoping the process of thinking about past issues is just very difficult for me. I have trying to do other activities, concentrate on what I like to do, and spend as much as I can with my wife. When I am with her it's like less likely that the thoughts reappear.

 

I think that I have extracted all meaning about the Affair and the problems in my marriage prior to the Affair. Me and my wife have been really supportive of each other and I feel that we can build a stronger relantionship after this.

 

 

 

Op, from what i understand, you also have some issues around anxiety? ( apart from your affair/marriage)

 

If so, you may find that you are "ruminating" ...constantly going over and over things in your mind in a way that really serves no purpose other than to upset you.

 

While it's okay to go over things and try and find meaning and learn from them, if it's non productive or even harmful to keep ruminating, then it's best to stop.

 

( my daughter does this. It's linked to her having issues with anxiety)

 

What her counselor told her was to set aside a certain portion of each day during which she is allowed to "ruminate" over a particular topic. Any other time she finds herself thinking about it, she is to make a conscious effort to stop or to make the time spent thinking about it productive(i.e.- try and figure out a way to handle to situation, learn from it, etc., and not just sit worrying about it or feeling bad). As time goes by, she makes that period of time that she is allowed to "ruminate" shorter and shorter, until she no longer wastes any mental energy on it.

[xxxV]

No, there are no valid reasons to break boundaries and having an affair.

I know that I made a choice that was completely against my moral stance on relantionships. Although I first separated from my wife, that was just a kind of an excuse to get involved with OW. I didn't even had the guts to say that this was going on. My wife had every right to never want me back.

 

In the process of finding out why, I have talked with my counselor about a need that I had to trangress. I have always been a well behave sond, husband, student, employee, etc.

 

In part, this was a call for attention. In part, this was a, rather stupid, way of trying to "even things out" with my wife, since I felt unappreciated.

And of course, not feeling appreciated goes way back. Problems in the family, parental abandonment, never getting attention from girls, etc.

Through IC I have come to realize that my mother always tried to compensate these lacks that I have, which resulted in over-protection and also in a bad relationship between me and my mom. It seems like it took me 30+ years to break free from her, which is not healthy at all.

Working on this at IC has been good for me and for our relationship. I understand and can control my anxiety much better than before. And also I am able to communicate better with my wife. For years there were these small things that we wouldn't discuss and that added up to resentment. Now we are speaking openly and I feel this is a much deeper and healthier relation.

It's funny because up to 1,5 years ago I felt that I had the best marriage in the world. But now I am sure that it had a few flaws and we are able to fix them.

 

When my wife explodes at first I feel sad and then even furious with her and then with me. But a few hours later, I can say that it's going to be ok: we just love each other some much that I am sure that we can go through this.

 

 

 

Keep working on the "why." I once read that you should follow the "six degrees of why" process. The first answer when you ask why is usually a very surface answer. Something like, "I felt lonely." Then you ask why you felt that way. Keep going at least six degrees. There is a certain truth to the saying that something is broken within a wayward spouse. Your logical, ethical, healthy, and moral choices were to either fix your marriage or divorce. Something is/was broken within you that allowed you to make a choice that wasn't logical, healthy, ethical, or moral. In fact, it was like dropping a nuke on your marriage. Why was that? Most answers end up leading to a part of you that was broken within your family of origin (never feeling appreciated, always having to be the "responsible one" or the like).

 

Bear in mind that none of these are satisfactory reasons to have an affair. Ultimately, there are no good excuses and we have to own our poor decisions. Knowing your reason why isn't about excusing it. The point is that your wife needs to know that you have done enough introspection, that you understand enough about what was broken within you, such that you can avoid that pitfall in the future and that she can TRUST you again. This is why answers having to do with what your wife did/didn't do, infertility problems, etc always end up being so far off the target of what your wife needs to hear. She was in the same unhappy marriage and didn't cheat. Your "why" has nothing to do with your wife, the state of your marriage, or your struggles at that time. It's something inside you that allowed you to make a choice that you don't even personally agree with. That's the reason that the first few "whys" just aren't satisfactory, especially if they shift the blame to the spouse or the OW.

 

Realize that no reason will be sufficient for your wife to excuse your choice but your willingness to dig deep, identify, and fix that broken part of you is precisely what may allow your wife to trust you again, maybe not blindly, but enough that she feels secure in her decision to stay.

 

Keep working at it. And keep doing what you are doing. She will still get angry because she has mind-movies and things that trigger thoughts about your affair. She doesn't want to punish you. She stayed because she loves you and wants to make it work (I think). She hates those emotions as much as you. She is choking down a sh/t sandwich you served to her and sometimes she vomits in your direction. Not her fault.

 

Good luck.

[BetrayedH]

I think you're doing the hard work that it takes to reconcile.

 

The only thing that gave me pause during these recent posts is that you get furious with her. Probably the hardest thing about reconciling is how long it takes. Forgive me if I am repeating myself (I do a lot of posting here) but it's common for it to take 2-5 years. The successful reconciations I see here seems to turn a corner at about 4 years. As a betrayed spouse, hearing that length of time was overwhelming for me. I felt lucky to survive 2-5 weeks. I needed to fix this NOW.

 

It doesn't work that way. Those that forgive quickly and sweep it under the rug delay their healing because they never process the affair. As it turns out, fast is slow and slow is fast. Your wife cannot get over this quickly. It is not possible. She is likely to ask you the same questions over and over again as she tries to determine what is the truth and whether or not she can trust you. She's not likely to trust you to go and get milk without becoming a mess. While you will "get over it" fairly quickly, it will invade her thoughts incessantly for a loooong time. Remember that you created this situation. Yes, she will throw it in your face. But if you want the gift of reconciliation, there can be no defensiveness and you cannot get furious with her.

 

Have patience with the process and with her.

 

Not saying you aren't doing these things or doing well. I just think the time it takes is likely to be your biggest hurdle. Good luck.

[xxxV]

Yes, the lenght of time it takes to reconcile is difficult to handle.

I don't expect my wife to be over it in a few months. She actually doesn't ask many questions. I confessed the whole thing with details (dates, places, etc, except for sexual minutiae) and she doesn't come back to it.

I think she believes my version (I really didn't kept anything from her, and so if she asks again there no "holes" in the story). But doesn't mean she is over it, she is just concentrated on other aspects. She wants me around most of the time, and I am happy with that. We have being doing more stuff together than before, and discovering how much we enjoy each others presence.

My wife is also so concentrated and worried with her mother (she is fight cancer and in the hospital now) that I think she might be just happy that I am back...which could mean that explosions and talks about the Affair could be delayed. I really don't know.

 

Do you believe that the lenght of Affair influences how long it takes to heal? Or it is indifferent? In my case it lasted for a short period (less than 3 months), although it was emotionally very charged.

 

What has also been upsetting me is that I don't seem to be "over it" that fast too. I am not craving for the Affair but there are many triggers that keep memories alive in my head. And I am constantly blaming myself for what happened, and the suffering that came with it. Just yesterday I was watching a movie on tv with wife and a scene where someone was mourning a loss got me thinking about what my wife must have endured when I left. It just made me sad and I told her.

 

Another episode: last weekend i was at something similar to a political convention and during lunch break i saw OW. At first I panicked and thought of just escaping. But since it wasn't possible, I acknowlegde her and we spoke for a couple of minutes. I asked if she was ok, how was her job, etc. And said that everything that happened shouldn't have happened, that we should learn from it, and that we cannot communicate or have any kind of relation. She asked similar questions, and even mentioned that she was on IC because she couldn't handle the fact that she had become a home-wrecker. And that was it. Good luck and bye.

 

I felt confident afterwards. I feared that this encounter might happen and what would be my reaction. Would I be attracted to her? Would something happen? Would I still feel something? The answer is no. I felt in control. Which doesn't mean that I want to be anywhere close to her, I really don't.

I think this just means that a part of my internal healing process is done. I hope this means something good.

Of course I told my wife about this and since we are going to the same place next weekend, we will be avoiding hanging in the same area.

 

Thanks for your continued support.

 

 

 

 

I think you're doing the hard work that it takes to reconcile.

 

The only thing that gave me pause during these recent posts is that you get furious with her. Probably the hardest thing about reconciling is how long it takes. Forgive me if I am repeating myself (I do a lot of posting here) but it's common for it to take 2-5 years. The successful reconciations I see here seems to turn a corner at about 4 years. As a betrayed spouse, hearing that length of time was overwhelming for me. I felt lucky to survive 2-5 weeks. I needed to fix this NOW.

 

It doesn't work that way. Those that forgive quickly and sweep it under the rug delay their healing because they never process the affair. As it turns out, fast is slow and slow is fast. Your wife cannot get over this quickly. It is not possible. She is likely to ask you the same questions over and over again as she tries to determine what is the truth and whether or not she can trust you. She's not likely to trust you to go and get milk without becoming a mess. While you will "get over it" fairly quickly, it will invade her thoughts incessantly for a loooong time. Remember that you created this situation. Yes, she will throw it in your face. But if you want the gift of reconciliation, there can be no defensiveness and you cannot get furious with her.

 

Have patience with the process and with her.

 

Not saying you aren't doing these things or doing well. I just think the time it takes is likely to be your biggest hurdle. Good luck.

[turnera]

Do you typically have trouble with anger?

[xxxV]

Sometimes I do.

In my teen years it was problematic. It eventually subsided.

 

Nowadays, anger only appears when I am extremely anxious.

 

 

 

Do you typically have trouble with anger?

[turnera]

I suggest you see a therapist for it, then. Because this is going to be the most anxiety-producing thing you've ever experienced in your life and, no matter how hard your wife may want to stay with you, and you with her, if your anger gets out of hand, she won't be able to. It will become too painful for her, as odd as that sounds. The situation will become toxic and you'll be unable to move forward as a team.

[xxxV]

I am already in therapy and we have been addressing that issue.

The anger as something to do with a lack of father figure during formative years, someone to confront. etc..

This is something that needs to fixed. In this case it's the how that might be more complicated...

 

I suggest you see a therapist for it, then. Because this is going to be the most anxiety-producing thing you've ever experienced in your life and, no matter how hard your wife may want to stay with you, and you with her, if your anger gets out of hand, she won't be able to. It will become too painful for her, as odd as that sounds. The situation will become toxic and you'll be unable to move forward as a team.