The attraction of a MM

[losingmyground]

I am looking for honest answer from OW/MOW.

What exactly is the attraction of a MM?

Is it the fact that his is "unavailable"?

Maybe the fact that marriage is supposed to equal loyalty?

If the are children involved, do they figure into the equation?

[Spark1111]

...fBS here....

 

Yes, he is unavailable because he is married, but that proves he can (usually) do a long-term relationship well.

 

He also provides for his family and talks of his devotion to his children.

 

He is probably a proven alpha male and according to evolutionary psychologists, that is what all women seek, whethr they realize it or not.

 

Have you ever heard of a woman having an affair with someone who is jobless?

 

Single and still living at home with his mother?

 

Rarely.

 

The fact that he is married, at least initially, makes it very easy to talk and then, confide in him because he is already "taken" so there are no fears of rejection, as one has on the dating scene.

 

And because there is NOTHING at risk, inititally, it is easy to fuel a crush or attraction because, HEY! HE's married. Nothing to lose...at first...with flirting a little...because it's safe because he's married.

 

And then it can start to cross lines when he begins to reciprocate...he feels safe, because he's married...and begins to flirt back.

 

And so the cycle begins.

 

And when the affair ends....the insecure ego can ALWAYS fall back on...well, he didn't REJECT ME, as would happen on the dating scene.

 

We ended because HE WAS MARRIED.

 

My weak ego and insecure self are still protected.

 

And that is why people will pursue unavailable men and women....unless, they are predatory which is another whole set of pathologies.

[96nole]

...

 

Have you ever heard of a woman having an affair with someone who is jobless?

 

Single and still living at home with his mother?

 

<jumping up and down waving hand in the air> ME! ME! I HAVE!!

[Ninja'sHusband]

<jumping up and down waving hand in the air> ME! ME! I HAVE!!

Lol, I was thinking of you 96 when I read that.

[losingmyground]

As an OW, which is what the OP asked for opinions from, it has nothing to do with the fact that he is married. I was attracted to him. I fell in love with him. His being married is simply a very inconvenient piece of reality.

Did you fall in love before you found out he was married?

[Furious]

As an OW, which is what the OP asked for opinions from, it has nothing to do with the fact that he is married. I was attracted to him. I fell in love with him. His being married is simply a very inconvenient piece of reality.

 

 

Are there no single men out there that you would be attracted to?

[96nole]

As an OW, which is what the OP asked for opinions from, it has nothing to do with the fact that he is married. I was attracted to him. I fell in love with him. His being married is simply a very inconvenient piece of reality.

 

So.... Furious, how do you feel about being a very inconvenient piece of reality?

 

 

OP, perhaps it's the perception of stability the MM has.

[Fitz]

The fact that he is married, at least initially, makes it very easy to talk and then, confide in him because he is already "taken" so there are no fears of rejection, as one has on the dating scene.

 

And because there is NOTHING at risk, inititally, it is easy to fuel a crush or attraction because, HEY! HE's married. Nothing to lose...at first...with flirting a little...because it's safe because he's married.

 

Yes, Absolutely! ...At least for those who aren't actively/intentionally/maliciously in pursuit of MM/MW (which I think is most people).

 

1. First both people let down their guard -because the married person is "taken" theoretically.

 

2. And then, comes the flirting. "Do you like this new dress?" or "Wow, how could someone as beautiful as you be single?" or "Your wife is one of the lucky ones... I'm so jealous!"

 

3. After the flirting comes the intimate confessions. "I had a fight with my wife last night. She just doesn't understand me, and I'm not sure anymore if we're meant to be together...what do you think I should do?" or "I hate dating... I just wish I could find a nice guy like you. Is that so hard?"

 

4. Then intimacy leads to bonding (whether real or imagined). Which in turn leads to longing and desire.

 

Then all that's left is a moment alone. A hug that lasts too long, and then turns into a kiss. A shoulder massage. Too many drinks at the bar after work. Sharing an umbrella in the rain. A ride home after dark. A quick stop by her apartment to borrow a CD or trouble shoot her computer...

 

and so it begins for some.

Edited August 27, 2012 by Fitz

[Furious]

So.... Furious, how do you feel about being a very inconvenient piece of reality?

 

 

OP, perhaps it's the perception of stability the MM has.

 

When there are so many lies that WS says and does, and of course with OW's blessing and co-operation, the one main objective is to steal the betrayed spouse's reality.

 

The only inconvenient reality that occurred was when I kicked him out.

 

In my situation when I discovered the affair, I handed him his suitcase and wished him well. "Go get her, she's all your's now" I told him.

That's the reality I preferred...lol.

[woinlove]

I am looking for honest answer from OW/MOW.

What exactly is the attraction of a MM?

Is it the fact that his is "unavailable"?

Maybe the fact that marriage is supposed to equal loyalty?

If the are children involved, do they figure into the equation?

 

As an OW, while I didn't feel that I looked for MM, I did not consider them off-limits either and so if there was an attraction there and we were both interested, I was game. In hindsight, I've come to understand why I considered MM suitable "boyfriends" is that I was not that connected to people so felt no guilt or empathy with respect to the BW, and I did enjoy the nature of affairs - which can operate on a fairly heady romantic plane, and although I didn't acknowledge it at the time, the competitive nature of a MM taking time away from his family because he can't resist being with you. In reality, there is are elements of brokenness, obsession, addiction, escape,... but that isn't how I saw it at the time.

 

Marriage equalling loyalty didn't factor in, except possibly indirectly through the competition factor. As to children, looking back, I am astounded at how I reinforced the notion of MM being a great father, even though I had no concrete information (or experience) to go on. Now, when I hear of MM/MW with children, I weep a bit for the children, because I think in most cases they are not there for their children in the way they should be, fully there, authentic, and not distracted or feeling guilty.

 

I now think that happy, well adjusted people like to treat others well, avoid deception, and so would choose to steer clear from secret affairs. But, at the time, I considered myself happy and well-adjusted and did not realize how much better I could love and how much more connected to others I could be.

[losingmyground]

As an OW, which is what the OP asked for opinions from, it has nothing to do with the fact that he is married. I was attracted to him. I fell in love with him. His being married is simply a very inconvenient piece of reality.

I have noticed in a previous post the you were previously married...Did it end before you had an affair?

[mercy]

So.... Furious, how do you feel about being a very inconvenient piece of reality?

 

 

OP, perhaps it's the perception of stability the MM has.

 

Reality being the key word.

[mercy]

I now think that happy, well adjusted people like to treat others well, avoid deception, and so would choose to steer clear from secret affairs. But, at the time, I considered myself happy and well-adjusted and did not realize how much better I could love and how much more connected to others I could be.

 

Open honest love really does change a person in all aspects of their life. It's freeing.

[Spark1111]

As an OW, while I didn't feel that I looked for MM, I did not consider them off-limits either and so if there was an attraction there and we were both interested, I was game. In hindsight, I've come to understand why I considered MM suitable "boyfriends" is that I was not that connected to people so felt no guilt or empathy with respect to the BW, and I did enjoy the nature of affairs - which can operate on a fairly heady romantic plane, and although I didn't acknowledge it at the time, the competitive nature of a MM taking time away from his family because he can't resist being with you. In reality, there is are elements of brokenness, obsession, addiction, escape,... but that isn't how I saw it at the time.

 

Marriage equalling loyalty didn't factor in, except possibly indirectly through the competition factor. As to children, looking back, I am astounded at how I reinforced the notion of MM being a great father, even though I had no concrete information (or experience) to go on. Now, when I hear of MM/MW with children, I weep a bit for the children, because I think in most cases they are not there for their children in the way they should be, fully there, authentic, and not distracted or feeling guilty.

 

I now think that happy, well adjusted people like to treat others well, avoid deception, and so would choose to steer clear from secret affairs. But, at the time, I considered myself happy and well-adjusted and did not realize how much better I could love and how much more connected to others I could be.

 

Thank you so much for your honesty.

 

I have always maintained the competition, the winning away of such a devoted family person, is a HUGE ego boost to those who consider it such.

 

She always told him how jealous she was of what I, apparently, was taking so for granted.

 

Before his new, high powered position, he had been medically addicted to pain meds and unemployed on and off for five years.

 

Do you think she would have been jealous of me then?

 

Don't think so.

[losingmyground]

As an OW, while I didn't feel that I looked for MM, I did not consider them off-limits either and so if there was an attraction there and we were both interested, I was game. In hindsight, I've come to understand why I considered MM suitable "boyfriends" is that I was not that connected to people so felt no guilt or empathy with respect to the BW, and I did enjoy the nature of affairs - which can operate on a fairly heady romantic plane, and although I didn't acknowledge it at the time, the competitive nature of a MM taking time away from his family because he can't resist being with you. In reality, there is are elements of brokenness, obsession, addiction, escape,... but that isn't how I saw it at the time.

 

Marriage equalling loyalty didn't factor in, except possibly indirectly through the competition factor. As to children, looking back, I am astounded at how I reinforced the notion of MM being a great father, even though I had no concrete information (or experience) to go on. Now, when I hear of MM/MW with children, I weep a bit for the children, because I think in most cases they are not there for their children in the way they should be, fully there, authentic, and not distracted or feeling guilty.

 

I now think that happy, well adjusted people like to treat others well, avoid deception, and so would choose to steer clear from secret affairs. But, at the time, I considered myself happy and well-adjusted and did not realize how much better I could love and how much more connected to others I could be.

Your honesty is so refreshing. Thank you so much. After much talk with my FWH and the MOW's BS, I found that she is also broken. My marriage was also broken at the time. I thank god everyday that he saw the light. I could not imagine having to explain to my kids where daddy went.

[losingmyground]

I have a hard time understanding why you would even want to be a temporary solution. Are you afraid of a true commitment from a man? Do you figure that he is a safe option?

 

Since it was supposed to be temporary, how do you feel about being secondary to his wife?

 

Can you give me some reasons as to why you might "love" a married man?

 

And finally how can you respect a man that betrays his wife?

[Gagirl]

A married man will chase a woman like a rabid dog. They will not give up until they catch her. They look for lonely women and lavish them with praise and attention until she finally gives in. I know that most people believe that women go chasing after married men but, that is usually not the case. A married man will pursue a woman more aggressively than a single guy will. I had a married man chase after me for over a year. I kept telling I wasn't interested and he still wouldn't leave me alone. A year passed by and he started trying to get me go out with him again. I finally asked why he didn't find another victim and he said it was because he wanted to have sex with me in the woods. I just laughed and called him a dirty old perv. He didn't care for that too much but, finally left me alone. What a crazy nut job he was.

[Steadfast]

... so he makes it worth the effort of getting out of bed in the morning, and you know what? That's enough for me, and I'm sorry if no one understands that

 

You sound like my good friends over at D** C***. "His lips are so kissable! I could kiss him forever!" and other high schoolish, self-centered measly mush that ignores the knife being driven into spouses and the children they've had together. Never before has victimization been so...romantic.

 

And why do you think no one understands? Many of us understand it fine. Especially easy to understand is the rose-coloring that suggests you're incapable of resisting these illicit relationships. That's a handy way of exonerating yourself from the decision you made to have the affair. People do it all the time. Our prisons are full of people who 'couldn't help it."

 

...and I'm sorry if it ever hurts anyone, but see, that's one of the reasons we are so careful. That's why he tried to tell her.I don't want to hurt her, but I'm not willing to give him up either.

 

You're not sorry. You're scared. To feed your self-serving needs you're trying to ignore what might, and often does happen in these situations. And while it is true that the heart loves who it loves, a person's honor and integrity keeps them from taking something that doesn't belong to them. Yes; even if it's offered. No matter what, you're losing far more than you'll ever gain. You just don't know it yet. This is the cheater's debt. It's huge.

 

As to children, looking back, I am astounded at how I reinforced the notion of MM being a great father, even though I had no concrete information (or experience) to go on. Now, when I hear of MM/MW with children, I weep a bit for the children, because I think in most cases they are not there for their children in the way they should be, fully there, authentic, and not distracted or feeling guilty.

 

I now think that happy, well adjusted people like to treat others well, avoid deception, and so would choose to steer clear from secret affairs. But, at the time, I considered myself happy and well-adjusted and did not realize how much better I could love and how much more connected to others I could be.

 

I applaud this.

 

I'm glad you mentioned the competitive nature. IHO, women are FAR more competitive than men and in so many cases, the cold-hardheartedness is shocking. Cheating is a sick game. Thrills at another person's expense.

[Furious]

I'm not afraid of commitments, I just can't make promises to him, so I never wanted to get involve with someone who might want those from me.

 

He's never really made me secondary.

 

He is everything I ever wanted in a man. I never expected to find it all in one person, certainly not at this point in my life, and certainly not with him married to someone else, but the fact is I did. He is smart and funny. He's romantic and silly all at the same time, he's got beautiful eyes and lips that I could kiss forever. He's handsome and sexy and tall, I love that he's tall..He likes a lot of the same things I do, but has enough of his own

interests that I never have to worry about him losing his identity. Our sex drives are compatible. He's sweet, and caring. So sweet, intelligent, varied conversationalist, fun, did I say fun? He LIKES himself. He has good self-

esteem and knows his self-worth. He has dreams and ideas and plans... he has flaws, and that's ok. They're part of who he is. He loves me for me and he accepts that I am who I am. And if my life were different, or I'd met him at a different time in my life, my answer would be different and I'd never have accepted him as a temporary everything. It's not the way it goes though... so he makes it worth the effort of getting out of bed in the

morning, and you know what? That's enough for me, and I'm sorry if no one understands that, and I'm sorry if it ever hurts anyone, but see, that's one of the reasons we are so careful. That's why he tried to tell her.

I don't want to hurt her, but I'm not willing to give him up either.

I respect him because he's honest with me, and it's not something he's done before, nor do I think he'll ever do it again.

 

 

 

He hasn't tried hard enough to tell his wife. Do you realize if she truly knew, he could be your's 24/7.

 

You're also mistaken to think you haven't hurt his wife already.

 

I have a feeling the real reason you're not willing to give her the truth about you is because you're afraid he will have to choose between the two of you, and that's not a gamble you're willing to bet on.

[Furious]

Every assessment on my situation on this thread is wrong. Snap decisions, judgements based on lack of facts and a near obsession with trying to make me "see your light"

Judge all you want. I'd make the same choice every time. I'm not scared, I'm not wearing rose colored glasses and I'm well aware of what choices I've made and how I got here. I own my choices in this and have said so from day one. I'm not blameless, I fully admit that this is selfish of me and that I realize that.

Not my fault people don't read my posts or don't like what they hear... I say what I mean.

 

I admire that in your own way you are telling the truth from your own perspective. It takes courage to admit you are selfish.

 

But true love is not a selfish endeavor, true love is more than just your own needs being met regardless of who you have to hurt to get what you want.

 

An apple stolen from your neighbors yard always tastes better than the apples from your own yard.

[Steadfast]

Every assessment is wrong? Ok. You win.

Edited August 28, 2012 by Steadfast

[losingmyground]

If I didn't have to live with my husband, I'd be more "attracted" to him too.

Way too funny!!!

[Got it]

I am looking for honest answer from OW/MOW.

What exactly is the attraction of a MM?

Is it the fact that his is "unavailable"?

Maybe the fact that marriage is supposed to equal loyalty?

If the are children involved, do they figure into the equation?

 

No, him being married was not a desired trait. The attraction and love was despite the fact he was married as that was an undesirable attribute of his.

 

But since initially we were both married, my M status was an undesirable attribute of mine as well.

[Got it]

I admire that in your own way you are telling the truth from your own perspective. It takes courage to admit you are selfish.

 

But true love is not a selfish endeavor, true love is more than just your own needs being met regardless of who you have to hurt to get what you want.

 

An apple stolen from your neighbors yard always tastes better than the apples from your own yard.

 

Actually romantic love is selfish. It is based on sexual attraction first and foremost and the need to procreate is a very selfish desire.

 

And one can love one person even if it hurts another. I agree that true love means not wanting to hurt the person you love but another person? That is a tangent that doesn't necessarily hold true. Let's say I am just dating someone. Just some single person. Okay, no issues there, everything is hunky dory, yada yada. I know that there is another person completely in love with this person! Head over heels and dying to be with them. Do I not date this guy because of it? It is going to hurt the other person if I do so as they won't be able to have him then. Of course not. It just doesn't translate.

 

This does not defeat the argument of not wanting to hurt another person for other reasons, there are many good arguments in that vein. But the premise of true love being about your needs met without hurting someone else is faulty. Many a person falls in love with someone that their parent's don't approve of, etc. Doesn't mean it isn't love or even true love. And for that matter, what does "true" love mean? How is that quantified?

 

And I am not sure about you and your apples, but for me an apple tastes good when it isn't mealy, bruised, or old. Where it came from has never factored in. I enjoy store bought apples all the same as ones coming from anywhere else.

[Furious]

Actually romantic love is selfish. It is based on sexual attraction first and foremost and the need to procreate is a very selfish desire.

 

And one can love one person even if it hurts another. I agree that true love means not wanting to hurt the person you love but another person? That is a tangent that doesn't necessarily hold true. Let's say I am just dating someone. Just some single person. Okay, no issues there, everything is hunky dory, yada yada. I know that there is another person completely in love with this person! Head over heels and dying to be with them. Do I not date this guy because of it? It is going to hurt the other person if I do so as they won't be able to have him then. Of course not. It just doesn't translate.

 

This does not defeat the argument of not wanting to hurt another person for other reasons, there are many good arguments in that vein. But the premise of true love being about your needs met without hurting someone else is

faulty. Many a person falls in love with someone that their parent's don't approve of, etc. Doesn't mean it isn't love or even true love. And for that matter, what does "true" love mean? How is that quantified?

 

And I am not sure about you and your apples, but for me an apple tastes good when it isn't mealy, bruised, or old. Where it came from has never factored in. I enjoy store bought apples all the same as ones coming from anywhere else.

 

 

I can see that the point I made went right over your head. Enjoy your apples wherever they come from..lol.