LostJustLost Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 I was doing ok, ya know? When the 1 yr. since I last talked to him marker came screaming into my head a few days ago I didn't freak out too bad. Tears threatened, the never-ending questions started spiraling inside me but I didn't do anything stupid this time. Instead I came here and lurked, reading any and every post that was about coping or finding hope or moving on and I got thru it. Dodged a bullet, got a grip, good to go. So tonight, again I cant sleep so I decided to tweak my computer, been meaning to go after duplicate files and clean out whatever old files I downloaded god knows when for god knows what. Its like watching paint dry, so I figured if I actually got something done, great. If sleep sounded like more fun, that would be great too. I found an old zip file while digging around named Wee Graphics and thought well that's odd, why would I name it that? And of course I opened it. I remembered it the instant I double clicked it. It was our file from my old computer, chalk full of pics, doodles, screenies, love notes, emails, things that made us laugh, his attempt at a birthday banner, all of that kind of thing going back to our beginning, Feb of 2007. And the first thing I did? Why I double clicked on the angel bear, my first Christmas memory shared with him. I knew what it was, but I did it anyways. And did I stop there? Noooooooo, why would I want to do that.. I wasn't gagging on that choking sensation you get when your heart wants to rip thru your throat yet, or fighting back tears because what was set in stone has turned to rubble, where's the fun in that? The first file, the dozens that started with We or ***, a muppet would have known what was in there. I could have just as easily clicked the lil red x in the corner then one more click and deleted the whole damn thing instead of taking another miserable stroll down memory lane. Im trying to keep things in a humorous light, but MAN. The last time I stumbled upon harsh reminders of him I came way too close to doing something really stupid and I know better then to tempt fate. At least I thought I did until tonight. Why torture myself like that? Maybe its just me, maybe it isn't, but if that's the case, then why do this to ourselves?? UGH. /end hysterical rant Thanks for listening yall, I truly appreciate it.
Jingle14 Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 I'm so glad I just read this. I had just logged on to put on a (rare) post but reading yours has helped me. It's 15 months now since I was dumped - for a second time, after my (pathetic) pleading and begging worked and brought him back after the first dumping, only for him to treat me badly, again, tell me more lies, take me for granted, have me doubting my own mind and then ripping my heart out by dumping me again. (my other posts/threads give a fuller picture). However, next month will be 2 years since we got together, and all those resultant anniversaries of wonderful memories. It will also be a year since we last kissed and were intimate, a year since I woke in his arms. And a year since he started seeing someone else - and so coming up to his own anniversary with 'her'! - in the very week he had led me to believe he was thinking of getting back together with me. Over the last month, I've had a lot to do and look forward to and that has kept me occupied - although he is always in the back of my mind, pushed as far back as I can, difficult when he lives locally so I'm stuck with those reminders too whenever I leave my house - but now those things have been and gone and the dreaded anniversaries are looming, I have been really down today so came on here looking for support (something I haven't really done before). I also found a folder containing all of our photos this morning when looking for a folder with photos of me and my son's trip to London last week to upload on Facebook. As soon as I opened the 'camera photos' directory, the folder containing 'those' photos opened to a photo of a beautiful cottage we stayed in 2 years in November when we were very deeply in love. Its played on my mind all day so far and words he used to say to me have been creeping into my mind, along with the kind things he used to do before he turned into the lying deceiver he must have been hiding from me all along. I really hope you don't think I have hijacked your post but take this how it was intended, from a possible kindred spirit to another going through the same, horrible, heartbreak but who is trying desperately to do all the 'right' things to get past it (even though every day I wake and hope this will be the day he gets in touch but, of course, he never does or will). Best wishes to you.
Author LostJustLost Posted August 27, 2012 Author Posted August 27, 2012 Hijack my thread? I didnt think that was possible! No worries on that at all, even if ya did somehow hijack it, I wouldnt care As soon as I opened the 'camera photos' directory, the folder containing 'those' photos opened to a photo of a beautiful cottage we stayed in 2 years in November when we were very deeply in love. Its played on my mind all day so far and words he used to say to me have been creeping into my mind, along with the kind things he used to do before he turned into the lying deceiver he must have been hiding from me all along. And why, when we know that its going to bring everything we've tried to accept, tried to forget right back cant we just look away, close the browser, the drawer, the recesses of our minds.. I know exactly where your mind (and your mouse, I bet) went, straight to look at what should have been set in stone, and your hearts still there. It took me a long time to even consider that *** had silently walked out of my life without a second thought. Weeks, then months, thinking he was coming back, that he would be online any day. Some days its a chore to remember to breathe, to remember that I have to get up, keep moving. The worst is when on days like those it hits me that he's not going to be there, he's never going to be there again. Im glad yall felt you could let a little of it out, Jingle14, tell me a little about it, and altho the difference is I do not want to ever hear from *** again - I do understand. My resolve doesnt stop my heart from missing him, from wishing whatever it was that turned him from a loving, giving man into a someone so cruel and heartless had never happened. My mind pushes it away because it knows straight up I cant take another blow like the one his leaving dealt. I wouldnt survive it so it cant happen.
Jingle14 Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 (edited) And why, when we know that its going to bring everything we've tried to accept, tried to forget right back cant we just look away, close the browser, the drawer, the recesses of our minds.. I know exactly where your mind (and your mouse, I bet) went, straight to look at what should have been set in stone, and your hearts still there. You know the scenario all too well, sadly. It took me a long time to even consider that *** had silently walked out of my life without a second thought. Weeks, then months, thinking he was coming back, that he would be online any day. Some days its a chore to remember to breathe, to remember that I have to get up, keep moving. The worst is when on days like those it hits me that he's not going to be there, he's never going to be there again. My goodness, I've been there, often, too often. I've not stretched my legs across to 'his' side of the bed for 15 months, mostly because he isn't - and never will be - there but also because 'my' side of his bed won't be empty and I struggle desperately to deal with the thought of him being intimate with someone else. Just the thought of him kissing someone, like I know he has because he told me so the morning after I slept with him for the last time, makes me nauseous still. I don't know how to cope with that, other than to block all my feelings out. Im glad yall felt you could let a little of it out, Jingle14, tell me a little about it, and altho the difference is I do not want to ever hear from *** again - I do understand. My resolve doesnt stop my heart from missing him, from wishing whatever it was that turned him from a loving, giving man into a someone so cruel and heartless had never happened. My mind pushes it away because it knows straight up I cant take another blow like the one his leaving dealt. I wouldnt survive it so it cant happen. But you didn't change him, just like I didn't change 'him' - I am firmly convinced the person they were at the end was the person they really were all along and that, in the happy, early days, that the was 'act' to make us fall for them. It has to be. I'll never let anyone get close again, my heart is closed and firmly resolved against anyone getting in, in fact I run when they try. My friends used to joke - pre-him - that I had a brick swinging where my heart should be. Temporarily, I actually did have a heart and it was full of love but the person I trusted with my heart stamped on it so I now have a brick again. Not easy is it and I empathise with every word you've said in this last paragraph. I always know I'm slipping when I find myself clicking onto this forum. When I'm feeling stronger, I avoid it, but it always draws us back, or so I find. At least this is here when our friends and family are long bored with the subject and hope we are 'back to normal', when they also act as if the relationship or person never existed, just to make themselves feel better that you are 'right' again, ignoring the truth that you are just as hurt, wounded and disbelieving that he left so they don't need to feel uncomfortable. Edited August 27, 2012 by Jingle14
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