Whoyathink Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 First, omg I can't believe I'm posting on a thread I haven't done this since HS so bear with me. I don't know where to start past or present. Past 1st: essentially my ex and I date for 4 years were HS school sweethearts were madly in love but had a Romeo Juliet thing going on with my mom Constantly trying to break us up because he was not the same religion.ong story short i fought her and stayed with him because I loved him. He asked me to marry him, and I told him we were too young which we were I was 17 he was 18, and he was to be the first in his family to finish college if we got married I feared he wouldn't finish nor would I and we'd most likely end up pregnant very soon. My mother threatened to ruin his future to his parents if he kept seeing me. I got scared for him. He didn't care. But I did. Anyhow we wound up going to college in two different cities tried to continue to date but it was too hard. Anyhow after a four hour discussion we broke up to leave him free to date around. Next year we basically lost our virginity together, we still loved each other but logistics. We continued college dating other people, i was waiting for him to finish school. Anyhow he graduates 6 months before me but I had already started dating my future husband and made a conscientious choice between the two because my ex was not calling me often enough to show me he was reliable ready and seriously interested. I got engaged the next year, let the ex know--no congrats given. But we talked every couple of weeks. Until a week before my wedding, just as friends. So that next year I married my husband, who I did love, and got pregnant 10 months after we got married. Although seriously unhappy I now had to stay and work it out for the baby who I felt I owed a mom and dad in the same house as I didn't have after I was 2yo. Anyhow, marriage got better after counseling after the third year, and by 5 years we were totally happy. I would call the ex twice a year just to checkin see how he was doing and my husband was aware of this and ok with it, we even helped my ex out of a really bad situation after which I lost contact with my ex. Now to present: After 6.5 years of marriage the loss of several babies and serious health issues including chemotherapy in the last 15 months I find out my immature husband is having an affair with some whore while at work(do I sound angry yes I'm a little angry cuz I wanted to leave his sorry ass a long time ago but stayed for my kid and this is the repayment I get ! Anyhow woo now that's off my chest ). Anyhow, I wasnt even that upset at the infidelity (clue # 1 I didn't love him THAT much) I tried to work it out and forgive but the ******* walked out on me and his child--anyhow I still tried to make it work blaming myself for everything including his physical abuse in the end making excuses that I was just a difficult wife because I was so blatantly honest. Anyhow, in the end my husband filed for Divorce (yippee I can stop trying now I've done everything I could I can look my kid in the eyes down the road). Couple days later, i finally run into my ex who I just felt if I could just find him I'll be ok. I tell him im getting a divorce, i tell him to call me, We exchange #'s. Couple days later he texts me . Short end of the story in the duration of the last three months since that's happened because of my divorce court work huge custody battle and him working 6 days a week remodeling horse dying taking care of livestock we have only seen each other twice in the last three months. The first time was like we never broke up like we picked right back up where we left off, we talked a while then he laid in my lap played songs sang just talked for more than an hour, he kissed me, we held hands interlocked as we walked on the beach. Made out in his truck like teenagers and talked til 4:30am. That kiss, those kisses, omg made me realize I am still totally and completely in love with him--which I did not realize. Caveat tho, my ex tried to have sex with me, and most of his text messages to me are talking about us making love and how much he wants to have sex with me again. He wasnt text regularly nor respond regularly and when he does be usually brings up sex, well I checked him on that and I think we've worked the issue out. Last week, he tried to have sex with me again after we talked for about an hour. Anyhow, lots of foreplay but no nani for him . When we're laying in bed while holding my hand staring me in the eyes he tells me how much he wants us to show our love for each other. I told him with a hurt look on my face YOU Know I love You! He looks me in the eye and says "I love you" to me, I ask him what did you say and he says again my name and that he loves me after a long pause I responded I love you too. He has never lied to me and he's always been a man that says what he means and never one to play around with the L word, so I took it as how he truly felt. I mean I know the man loves me I've always known I just do but to hear him say it after 13 years was a bit perplexing and emotional. Anyhow my ex has always been hard for everyone else to figure out, I'm like one of the only people on this earth that understood him so well. I do love him. I've expressed I'm not ready for sex, he said he understood and when I'm ready we'll go there then. We are communicating quite well right now. I guess my question is, what the hell am I doing? I'm still technically married. I love and respect this man more than any other man in the world. I WANT to be with him. I'm falling WAY TOO FAST AND HARD I believe, although my ex doesn't think we're jumping into anything. I am scared ****less that all my ex wants is to have sex with me bcuz when he texts it's 90% what he talks about, but when we're in person he's the guy I fell in love with 16 years ago sweet charming intellectual, my other half. I feel complete when he's around. I should NOT feel like this Wth ??! I don't even know that he wants a relationship that he's ready for one or to settle down and even better that with me. If he asked me I'd marry him in a heartbeat. But WTF am I doing ???!! My divorce is not final. I want to be with him but I just fear he too is gonna hurt me. I don't feel he's showing enough interest --you know calling or texting every three days minimum, asking me about my day or week, hell asking me about me period in my opinion, although he says he knows me very well, and in all honest he probably does. But another part of me is happy it's going so slow bcuz I don't know if I'm ready, I don't want to have a rebound relationship with him or mess things up, he's the absolute love of my life. Wth is wrong with me? Shouldn't I just be willing to jump in his arms instead of wanting to get to know him better, he thinks we already know each other very well...which is partially true. But, is this guy playing with me? How do I tell if all he wants is sex? When all I rally want is to spend time with him and develop our relationship again. I really want to be with him long term, not that I'd ever tell him right now tho. Wth do I do? My cousins say wait. Ok, I would but everyday I talk to him I'm falling harder and I just wanna know if all this guy wants is sex before I fall any further. Omg what to do?
Recommended Posts