I kicked him out, and now regret it. Anything I can or should do?

[shelli]

To make a very, very long story short, I met my ex two years ago after being introduced by a friend. We had a great relationship for the most part.

 

The not so great part was his old "friend" Ellen.

 

Ellen used my ex as a toy to make her boyfriend jealous. When ellens boyfriend didn't want to see her, she called my boyfriend. I was acquaintances with ellen, we went to the gym together so i knew she and my ex were friends. Soon, Ellen overstepped her 'boundaries' and began meddling in my and my ex (Dan) relationship.

 

Little things at first, her texting me to tell me she was going hang out with Dan, but she would 'have him back' before i was home. Then, sorry you had plans with Dan but he's going swimming with me while my boyfriend is at work. When I asked Dan why he would break plans with me, he said he fully intended on being home before my arrival back from work (he and Ellen worked together on the same shift, which left a good 4 hours between my arrival home and the end of his shift). So once he would text me to tell me he would be home on time, no worries, I would receive a text from Ellen asking me why I was so upset, and that "It's not my fault Dan likes me more than his own girlfriend, get over it." That was pretty much my last straw with her. I told Dan I was not comfortable with her butting her nose in and asked him to tell her to leave OUR relationship alone. Then it was "Dan, would you like to accompany my boyfriend and I out of town for a car show? Oh, you want to bring shelli, sorry, she's not welcome." Dan didn't go that weekend, but Ellen didn't stop, either.

 

I am not sure how much of this her boyfriend knows, I don't much care.

 

But still, some two years later, with few breaks in between, Ellen hasn't quit. Between the stupid text messages she's sent, to her texting Dan to see if he would "sneak" out to hang out with her, I was on edge constantly. She used his phone from work a month ago to start problems via text with me. I thought it was Dan. Called him and he wouldn't answer. So I left a message saying to call me asap. He called, and I gave him all he.ll. I was so upset. He said he had let Ellen use his phone and had no idea what she was using it for (to start problems, again). I told him if he couldn't keep her out of my life, I would exclude him as well. I was beyond frustrated and hurt that he wouldn't address this with her, and he was upset that I was essentially asking him to cut Ellen from his life.

 

It wasn't that I didn't trust Dan, but some of the messages Ellen had 'forwarded' to me included him saying he loved her and he often called her pet names. Pet names we had called eacother. I still do not think he was physically cheating with her. Emotionally perhaps. I confronted him and he said he was sorry and he cut contact with her, outside of work for a good 8 months. Our life was great. We talked about getting married, having kids, rented a home from my father together.

 

Two weeks ago, Dan didn't come home from work, said he was going with a friend to grab a couple drinks and would be home in a couple hours. 4 hours later I hadn't heard from him so I texted him to see if he was going to be here for dinner. He texted back and asked if we could have company, a mutual friend of Ellens. Well, that friend had already told me she was with Ellen earlier that day. I asked Dan if he was with Ellen, since he admitted to being with the mutual friend. He denied it. I called and asked him and he reluctantly admitted to having been with Ellen and her boyfriend all afternoon. I was devastated and felt cheated.

 

We tried talking that evening but the lies snowballed, and even though it had nothing to do with physical, sexual contact with ellen, I was so fed up with having to feel like I was competing with her, and being lied to about the time he spent with her. I told him to leave. That day his father had a stroke and has been in the hospital ever since. Dan has been sleeping on Ellen's couch.

 

He refuses to speak to me. He said he still loved me but would never, ever want to see me again. I still love him and though I was rash in my decision to break things off, I guess I felt like I'd given him enough chances to be up front about ellen, and I felt like this was forever going to be a problem. Of course, that day Ellen proceeded to text me over and over about our "relationship" problems. I ended up just blacklisting her number, something I should have done long ago.

 

It's two weeks after we broke up, Dan's mom told me to give him space and let him find his own place, that he just felt beat and destroyed. She said she wished I would have seen how devastated he was over losing me, and that I should have trusted him and not lost it over this Ellen ordeal.

 

I feel like this is a terrible high school movie. I of course still love Dan. I am so lost without him. When Ellen wasn't involved, eh was my best friend and I just don't understand what I could have done differently. I feel betrayed by him yet I want him to come home. He absolutely refuses to contact me, except to pick up a few things, while he is civil and kind enough, he is emotionally distant. I don't want to lose the man I love over this, I just wanted him to see I was going to stick to my guns about Ellen not coming between us. He needed to be honest and he wasn't. I didn't think he would actually leave, or it would go this far. Is there anything I can do or is all hope lost?

[changchewsoon]

I personally see this as a deal breaker to me.

 

If my girlfriend had a nosy guy friend who disrespects me like this and my girlfriend doesn't stands up for our relationship, she will be gone sooner than a lightning.

 

You said everything was good for the 8 months when Ellen was out of your lives, and now that she's back everything is going south again.

 

This girl is bad news, and if your boyfriend couldn't stick to his guns and stand up for the relationship he really do not deserve you.

 

I am pretty sure you have already showed him all the text messages, stuffs and things said by Ellen right?

 

If any of my friends disrespected my girlfriend this way, I will not tolerate it. Simple.

 

Why is your boyfriend being such a wimp?

 

Now that he is sulking in the corner and if you go and comfort him and give in to him, then for the rest of your life together with him expect Ellen to be part of it.

 

I know he is probably also upset about his father's medical condition, you should show your care and empathy still but that doesn't mean you have to give in to him when it comes to Ellen.

[road]

You were right to dump him. This is worse then refusing to cut the ties to his mom's apron strings.

 

There is no room for ex's in new relationships.

 

Now if your BF quit that job to go NC with the XGF and counseling to learn why he could not cut the apron strings (he needs this whether you get back together or not) then you could explore restarting things. But find some one new is the better option.

[Treasa]

I'm sorry, and I know this all hurts, but you're really better off without him. You were right to break it off. I would never tolerate this from my boyfriend.