Need to vent! Not feeling very good!

[Am313]

Hello everyone,

 

I'm having a tough time dealing with a split from my ex. I said something incredibly rude and messed up over text (lied and said I slept with someone else) during a period where we were trying to reconcile. To be fair, she said something messed up that night, too. Yes I know, two wrongs don't make a right. She said she's done, goodbye, etc. That was 5 days ago.

 

I sent one email the next day sincerely apologizing and left it at that. I haven't texted, called emailed or anything. Neither has she. I have a bad feeling.*

 

I'm not dealing with it well. I mean, I'm not a sobbing mess but I can't stop thinking about her, about her being with someone else, regret, etc. All I can remember right now are the bad times and how I felt. But I want to hold her again so badly. I don't know why.*

 

I'm feeling lonely; she was my best friend. I'm having a hard time sleeping; she made me relaxed. Im smoking twice as much as I did before; she was my stress relief.

 

We started dating when I was at a bad place in my life (bad knee injury, lost job, insurmountable bills) but since then my knee is healing, I'm back doing what I used to do, I got a huge promotion at work (which unfortunately doesn't pay very well, but is very fulfilling at times).*

 

Lately I've had a crappy infection and I haven't been in the gym, haven't played hockey (which is what I love), haven't been with friends.....ughhhh.....

 

I dunno. I just feel crappy in general. I miss her, I miss me, I miss our relationship. I miss her touch, I miss her kisses, I miss her winks, I miss her long, aimless texts. I miss cuddling all *night with her.

 

I know I did things to push her away, and in turn she pushed me away. The arguing, the fighting.....In the end we dissected and broke down the problems in our relationship CONSTANTLY.*The last month of our relationship she was very, very fickle and flaky. I noticed it right away, but she assured me everything is fine and she's just dealing with a lot.

 

I'm not saying I'll never get over her, but apart of me feels like I have to avoid certain places and people that make me happy (we have mutual hang outs). In the past when we would split I wouldn't go. I've gone a couple nights and I really hoped she WOULD NOT show up, but when she didn't I felt let down, disappointed. Even though I know I wouldn't say anything to her and just do my own thing, it feels like she's avoiding me. To be fair, I used to avoid her. She's got a new friend who I genuinely like, but my ex admitted that she doesn't like me and that she's making her confused.*

 

Sorry, I'm venting. The end result is I said something very terrible that I can't take back, and she's making me pay for it.....I've never, ever said anything to her intentionally to hurt her, this was the first time. In any event, I don't know what to do. I wish she missed me, that she thought about me. But she's just making herself hate me, pushing me out of her life by force. That's how it feels anyways....

 

 

*

[InAFog]

When we hurt, we sometimes lash out. It's pretty much the same as the "I never loved you" or posting ridiculous things on FB to make exes jealous. Pride is bruised, and insecurities come to the forefront. It may be silly, but its a human reaction and I'm sure she knows that. Don't beat yourself up too much for being human.

 

Get what your saying about not wanting to see her and then feeling let down. I feel so lucky to have not run into my ex yet in the tiny town we live in. But I'm still looking for him everywhere I go... and I feel a little twinge inside when I head back home and haven't seen him. Don't know why, I know it would freak me out and ruin my day if not week or weeks to see him, but its still there! creatures of contradiction we are.

[Am313]

One night she cussed me out and the next day I told her to not do that because that's the one thing that really hurts me.

 

She did it like 4 more times.....

 

The last time was right before I told her I slept with someone else.

 

The time before that she sent me an email the very next morning profusely apologizing and saying that she "lashed out" at me because I made her angry.

 

She understands it well......When it suits her. I think she's playing the victim role and it makes everything easier for her. In fact, I think that's why she wanted to reconcile in the first place. She dumped me and I went NC immediately. She called texted and emailed and I ignored. When I finally let her come over to talk, I told her I was afraid that she just wanted me to be around to help her feel better about missing me. That she would make me her doormat....

 

Funny, because that's how I feel now.

 

What's even funnier is that literally every single time I told her about what my fears were with her, within a week she would do what I told her I was afraid of.

 

The beginning of the last half of our relationship I told her not to test me, and that I'll fail everytime. It seems like that's all she did was ***** test me for the rest of our relationship. I'm sure I'm paranoid and over-thinking, but it still feels that way.

Edited August 27, 2012 by Am313

[InAFog]

Testing, mind games, it's not worth it. Relationships can't be based on that. They can't survive it. I don't know, I'm still waiting for the .002% chance that my ex realizes what he's lost and wants to be in a "grown up" relationship that doesn't thrive on selfishness and lies. It'll never happen, I know it. But goddamn i wish!

 

I guess all we can give it is time, as is always said. I wish time would hurry up.

[Am313]

I never tested her but I certainly played games....Mostly the "aloof" game or the "who calls who first game".

 

I don't think she ever tested me on purpose or played games on purpose, she's RULED by her emotions. When stressful things happen she doesn't know how to deal with it. In fact, she got into a car accident and had to go to the hospital twice. She picked a fight with me the night of the accident, and within a few days we were on a break, and within a few days of that we were broke up.

 

I learned to stay far awayyyyy when stressful things happen to her. She used to push me away so I stopped being there for her right away. I tell her I'm there for her and wait for her to need me, and it worked very well. Made her feel good that she could lean on me she was ready. I guess this time it was unavoidable.

 

What's even worse, is I think after the accident she started the whole "grass is greener" thing, because I told her that night she picked a fight with me if she thinks the grass is greener (as a response to her having more kids, and not knowing if she did, and then saying she should just be single for the rest of her life)then to go effin' fertalize somewhere else.

 

I dunno, I just opened a whole can of worms, didn't I?

Edited August 27, 2012 by Am313

[InAFog]

You guys need to CUT CONTACT! You're not doing either one any good. At this point it sounds very toxic and way too emotional. You both need time and space to get your heads in the right spot. Especially her if she keeps needing to go to the hospital.