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Am I being jealous for no reason? Wife has a close guy friend.

livingfree

By livingfree
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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livingfree New Member

livingfree

Posted
Posted (edited)

Hi there! I am 27, and married the girl I fell for when I was 13.

Quick back story: We met, started "dating" (as much as someone that age can actually date). Before starting high school, my family and I moved to another state. While we tried to maintain a long distance relationship, it's just not viable for someone that age. Around the time of the split she admitted she messed around with another guy. We kept in contact and talked throughout the 2-3 years we weren't together, and remained fairly close. After high school we got back together and we got married a couple weeks before I turned 21.

 

Fast forward to now: Our marriage has been great, 6 years and we've outlasted friends who have already been married and divorced in that period of time. Well, in the last year or so (can't remember when it began), she started talking with one of her old friends...we've hung out with him before...but it's been a few years. He, actually, is the one the my wife hooked up with in the past. But, that's never really bothered me, I've never had a problem hanging out with the people my wife hooked up with when she was younger and we were not together. So, I don't think it's a deep-seeded defense over that.

 

The problem is that, as nice as I honestly think he is...and I do think he's nice. I just feel uncomfortable with his behavior towards my wife, a bit flirtatious and a little inappropriate. Well, because I felt guilty for being jealous I attempted to shrug it off. But the problem is that I feel they have gotten really close, and I've never seen her behave the way she does with him with any other friends and it just makes me feel uneasy. In fact, I feel like she sees him as more emotionally relevant than she sees me at times. I deal with my jealousy and hope it goes away because I feel that it's not fair for me to take out what might be my irrational feelings on her and I don't want her to resent me for making her stay away from her close friend.

 

But lately, I've started reading their texts and she has been venting out to him about things I've done that irritate her and he said something along the lines of, "If you're not happy then, yes"...but it appeared that she deleted one of her texts, he was clearly responding to something she said. But when I confronted her about it she said she didn't delete anything. When I checked the phone bill it showed that there was a text that was sent but isn't present on her phone. And lately is seems like when I come into a room she is exiting from her texts very quickly, so now...on top of everything else, I fear she is texting him things and deleting them and lying to me about it.

 

It's now gotten to the point where I don't even want to bring it up because I don't want to perpetuate anymore negativity between us. I've been really depressed lately, and it really sucks.

 

Edit: On another note, the amount of sex we have has decreased a decent amount lately. I love sex, and when we have sex it's mind-blowing amazing sex, but we rarely have sex more frequently that once every week or every other week, which I'm used to...but this is all happening with this guy and it seems like her desire to have sex with me is decreasing even more lately. It's bummed me out because the issue with this other guy in conjunction with the decreasing frequency of sex makes me feel less desired both emotionally and physically.

Edited by livingfree
seibert253 Established Member

seibert253

Posted
Posted

An A in the making. Ray Charles can see all the red flags waving here.

 

IMO sounds like she's already involved in an EA. If you care about your M, then you to put a quick end to this "friendship".

  • Like 2
Emme Established Member

Emme

Posted
Posted
Hi there! I am 27, and married the girl I fell for when I was 13.

Quick back story: We met, started "dating" (as much as someone that age can actually date). Before starting high school, my family and I moved to another state. While we tried to maintain a long distance relationship, it's just not viable for someone that age. Around the time of the split she admitted she messed around with another guy. We kept in contact and talked throughout the 2-3 years we weren't together, and remained fairly close. After high school we got back together and we got married a couple weeks before I turned 21.

 

Fast forward to now: Our marriage has been great, 6 years and we've outlasted friends who have already been married and divorced in that period of time. Well, in the last year or so (can't remember when it began), she started talking with one of her old friends...we've hung out with him before...but it's been a few years. He, actually, is the one the my wife hooked up with in the past. But, that's never really bothered me, I've never had a problem hanging out with the people my wife hooked up with when she was younger and we were not together. So, I don't think it's a deep-seeded defense over that.

 

The problem is that, as nice as I honestly think he is...and I do think he's nice. I just feel uncomfortable with his behavior towards my wife, a bit flirtatious and a little inappropriate. Well, because I felt guilty for being jealous I attempted to shrug it off. But the problem is that I feel they have gotten really close, and I've never seen her behave the way she does with him with any other friends and it just makes me feel uneasy. In fact, I feel like she sees him as more emotionally relevant than she sees me at times. I deal with my jealousy and hope it goes away because I feel that it's not fair for me to take out what might be my irrational feelings on her and I don't want her to resent me for making her stay away from her close friend.

 

But lately, I've started reading their texts and she has been venting out to him about things I've done that irritate her and he said something along the lines of, "If you're not happy then, yes"...but it appeared that she deleted one of her texts, he was clearly responding to something she said. But when I confronted her about it she said she didn't delete anything. When I checked the phone bill it showed that there was a text that was sent but isn't present on her phone. And lately is seems like when I come into a room she is exiting from her texts very quickly, so now...on top of everything else, I fear she is texting him things and deleting them and lying to me about it.

 

It's now gotten to the point where I don't even want to bring it up because I don't want to perpetuate anymore negativity between us. I've been really depressed lately, and it really sucks.

 

Edit: On another note, the amount of sex we have has decreased a decent amount lately. I love sex, and when we have sex it's mind-blowing amazing sex, but we rarely have sex more frequently that once every week or every other week, which I'm used to...but this is all happening with this guy and it seems like her desire to have sex with me is decreasing even more lately. It's bummed me out because the issue with this other guy in conjunction with the decreasing frequency of sex makes me feel less desired both emotionally and physically.

 

Seibert called it... Affair.

 

It's time for you to purchase a bullhorn. It's time for you to get vocal. Your marriage is on the edge and now is not the time to close your eyes and pretend it will go away. I want you to consider your marriage ending. Put that image in your head so if it does occur you won't be shocked. Gather your thoughts on the things that are making you unhappy in this marriage including the male ex-boyfriend and let her know. Ask her flat out if she wants to be with you. You guys were young. Experienced some life outside of each other but you never know. Get her talking and don't take no for a answer. Clear the air my friend and don't be afraid. Be happy you're seeing the signs.

standtall Established Member

standtall

Posted
Posted

 

But lately, I've started reading their texts and she has been venting out to him about things I've done that irritate her and he said something along the lines of, "If you're not happy then, yes"...but it appeared that she deleted one of her texts, he was clearly responding to something she said. But when I confronted her about it she said she didn't delete anything. When I checked the phone bill it showed that there was a text that was sent but isn't present on her phone. And lately is seems like when I come into a room she is exiting from her texts very quickly, so now...on top of everything else, I fear she is texting him things and deleting them and lying to me about it.

 

.

 

 

Living...this paragraph is a major problem. Married people have no business discussing personal issues about their marriage to anyone outside their marriage that is not a

 

1. Immediate Family member

2. Professional counselor/pastor/clergyman

3. Friends of the same gender

 

She is already involving herself with an secretive EA with this guy, and if you don't nip it in the bud now, it will blossom into a full affair and most likely the end of your marriage. IMHO, she is seeking something from him that she is not getting from you..be it attention, emotional connection, etc..chick stuff. So put down the xbox controller, hit the gym, and punt this guy outta your marriage by getting her to tell him to hit the bricks. The main way to do that is to be the only dude she needs.

  • Like 1
Greznog Established Member

Greznog

Posted
Posted

OP there's no such thing as a male-female friendship, only a ( for now ) unsuccessful attempt at getting laid.

  • Like 1
karnak Established Member

karnak

Posted
Posted

I have a friend who's a woman. We've been friends since we're 18 (we're both in our 30's now), meaning that we're friends for more than 15 years.

 

I was one of those guys who claimed that a woman and a man could be friends and no sex would be involved.

 

Well...

 

It seems that after 15+ years sexual tension is growing more and more. I'm single at the moment and she has a boyfriend. Every time we meet I can feel the sex tension growing for both of us.

 

I confess that I haven't acted upon it because I'm interested in another woman and I want to respect the fact that she is a relationship.

 

But I can sense that if I was willing she would be having an affair with me or either leave the guy for me if I wanted.

 

Bottom line is this: can a woman and a man be friends? Sure they can. Absolutely. But - specially after they reach 30, the age at which women reach attain sexual height - the need for SEX and sexual curiosity will always exist between a man and a woman who interact with each other.

google_girl Member

google_girl

Posted
Posted

She is not happy in this relationship.Something has gone wrong.She is definitely attracted towards this guy.

You need to act fast now.

Feeling insecure and spying on her is not going to cure this though.You need to nip it in bud.

dchief20 New Member

dchief20

Posted
Posted

 

Well, because I felt guilty for being jealous I attempted to shrug it off. I deal with my jealousy and hope it goes away because I feel that it's not fair for me to take out what might be my irrational feelings on her and I don't want her to resent me for making her stay away from her close friend.

 

It's now gotten to the point where I don't even want to bring it up because I don't want to perpetuate anymore negativity between us. I've been really depressed lately, and it really sucks.

 

 

Sorry, I don't think you'll have to wait long for your feelings of jealousy to go away. They'll just turn to rage when you find out how your passivity allowed her cheat on you.

quankanne Established Member

quankanne

Posted
Posted

sounds like your wife's friendship is deepening into something more if he's addressing her with "if you're not happy" comments and she's becoming more emotionally attached to him. Time to get yourselves to a marriage-enrichening program so you can learn to communicate better!

RickFox Established Member

RickFox

Posted
Posted

I was that friend too. xMW and I spent more and more time together, texting all the time then .....................BAM!

 

Put a stop to it now or it's gonna happen (if it already hasn't).

g450 Established Member

g450

Posted
Posted

You said:

 

I've never had a problem hanging out with the people my wife hooked up with when she was younger and we were not together.

 

That's noble of you but IMHO you are very naive.

 

I've never seen her behave the way she does with him with any other friends and it just makes me feel uneasy.

 

That is your gut telling you something. You need to listen too it.

 

But lately, I've started reading their texts and she has been venting out to him about things I've done that irritate her and he said something along the lines of, "If you're not happy then, yes"...but it appeared that she deleted one of her texts, he was clearly responding to something she said.

 

Your wife is having at minimum an emotional affair with him and maybe more.

 

Greznoz has it right on the money. When you both invited him into your marriage you invited the inevitable. Three's a crowd. And that is why I only have friends that have a wife or GF of their own.

 

You need to end this friendship before it ends your marriage.

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