bluegreen Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 Have you ever found yourself in situation where trashy looser friends or questionable family members caused more and more issues between you and your s/o ? You can't stand them they despise you and at the end it feels that "they" will win should s/o never really have to choose but WE have to accept and endure it for love of our s/o seems so freaking not fair right? What hurts me most makes me wanna scream is I have already been there in my own family politics before meeting him and never thought I will have to go trough it AGAIN. Would you get sick of it and let them win or keep fighting until the end of your love toward your s/o ?
cerridwen Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 Would you get sick of it and let them win or keep fighting until the end of your love toward your s/o ? Yes, I would get sick of it and I'd question why I am on the front lines fighting this battle. As I see it, if they are HIS loser friends and HIS problematic family members, he best stand OUR ground, set things straight, and not let me be the one warring alone.
Author bluegreen Posted August 27, 2012 Author Posted August 27, 2012 Yes that's just how I feel he tries I can't say he does not but They got their claws in him so deep its drawing blood and its all about "we have always been there for you we did this we did that we gave up this we gave up that and so on we are forever we are blood she is not even your wife yet " Its like he is forced to give them all and what is left for me and us then eh This situation is burning me like acid am forced to kiss butt of those ignorant morons or fight with him. He begs me to try harder to focus on us ignore them but every time he tells me please baby try harder its like he slaps me and I resent him bit more of course when I howl cause I can't take it anymore he starts resenting me little bit more. And they are winning damn them to hell am at my wits end here
Author bluegreen Posted August 27, 2012 Author Posted August 27, 2012 ps: Did I say this is very LDR and that's like adding insult to an injury Guys what do I do somehow shut my mouth and choke my hate for all of them yes I started hating them or keep trying to fight for my rights here ?
todreaminblue Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 (edited) Have you ever found yourself in situation where trashy looser friends or questionable family members caused more and more issues between you and your s/o ? You can't stand them they despise you and at the end it feels that "they" will win should s/o never really have to choose but WE have to accept and endure it for love of our s/o seems so freaking not fair right? What hurts me most makes me wanna scream is I have already been there in my own family politics before meeting him and never thought I will have to go trough it AGAIN. Would you get sick of it and let them win or keep fighting until the end of your love toward your s/o ? I always listen nod tell them thanks for that and follow my heart what i feel is right my heart doesn't normally lead my astray or have feelings of pettiness or personal bias so i trust my heart and advice i either use it or discard it.I dotn like being threatened with someone taking away love or affection or friendship that isnt love and it certainly isnt affection either.I would let the person go who threatened me....my heart cant take false friends.....or family or a significant other....killer to me....i try hard to only hav egood peopel around me and i actually get sick when something is wrong......i like honesty not threats ....understanding....love....affection..deb Edited August 27, 2012 by todreaminblue
Author bluegreen Posted August 27, 2012 Author Posted August 27, 2012 I might be to distracted or preoccupied so am asking you to please explain what did you just mean with your post and hope you won't get offended that I asked.
cerridwen Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Yes that's just how I feel he tries I can't say he does not but They got their claws in him so deep its drawing blood and its all about "we have always been there for you we did this we did that we gave up this we gave up that and so on we are forever we are blood she is not even your wife yet " Its like he is forced to give them all and what is left for me and us then eh This situation is burning me like acid am forced to kiss butt of those ignorant morons or fight with him. He begs me to try harder to focus on us ignore them but every time he tells me please baby try harder its like he slaps me and I resent him bit more of course when I howl cause I can't take it anymore he starts resenting me little bit more. And they are winning damn them to hell am at my wits end here Hi bluegreen, I'm not clear on something. He's saying "try harder to focus on us, ignore them" (which sounds like good advice). It also sounds like what they're saying isn't having much (if any) of an effect on him. Also good, no? You certainly can't force them to like you. If they're able to sway him against you, there's little in your control about that either. So, why not block out their yammering and trouble-making just as he is? If it's not influencing him, and it's simply upsetting you, why war?
Author bluegreen Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 He is asking me same thing but I had misfortune to be treated "same" by my own family no not my family by side of my mom family when i washed my hands of them my own mother became my bitter enemy and started same treatment. And my dad left me before I even learned to crawl and reason why its still not clear I guess I was lied and mistreated my whole life by those closest to me. I guess that left some scars on me deep ones and I freak out at a thought even a thought of having to go trough same thing "again" it does not help that he just adores his family and telling them no causes him big pain then of course I feel bad and fight starts. We talked and we both opened our hearts and poured out whats hurting whom am not blaming him for my misfortune am just scared of same thing happening again its fear of the fear itself in my case I guess and I know one day soon am going to have to get some counseling done and I told him that to he was supportive. So thank you guys I promised i'll try harder he promised he won't become jerk when I fail and yes we still really love each other ...
justwhoiam Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Have you ever found yourself in situation where trashy looser friends or questionable family members caused more and more issues between you and your s/o ? What kind of issues? About what? Can you make examples? Always start from the point that people close to him want his best. But if you can tell what all this is about, I will share my unbiased opinion with you. Would you get sick of it and let them win or keep fighting until the end of your love toward your s/o ? It depends on what we're talking about. Are you being attacked for no reason? I need to understand what is what before saying anything.
Author bluegreen Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 What kind of issues? About what? Can you make examples? Always start from the point that people close to him want his best. But if you can tell what all this is about, I will share my unbiased opinion with you. ( Just some we have been here before her, we are family this is our way of doing this she should get used to it and us not us to her, language and different culture, him hardly ever not being able to tell them NO and always runs him self rugged trying to help everyone around him, ignoring of my existence by his friends lots of times by his bro and his b... of a wife and few more things like that. ) It depends on what we're talking about. Are you being attacked for no reason? I need to understand what is what before saying anything. Attacked directly no but its that ugly feeling at a bottom of my tummy that close people around him they "don't" like me and we will never mesh and yes I did nothing to provoke that except exist in his life and that makes me wanna howl. I knows they are being petty ignorant and jealous even of the fact that I live in "land of dreams" but somehow it does not help matters he loves every and each one of them and yes that fact feels rotten to me ...
pteromom Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Your language is very dramatic ("they despise you", "makes me wanna scream", "endure it for love", "fighting until the end"), and I guess my first piece of advice is to step away from the drama. You cannot control what they do or say, but you can control how you react. You can control your attitude. Start by turning down the drama. Start re-thinking what you say to yourself, and you'll start feeling differently. Instead of something making you want to scream, decide that, no... it's mildly frustrating. Instead of "enduring it", work on IGNORING it. Instead of thinking how you "can't stand them", change the language to "I don't connect with them." Instead of the situation "burning you like acid", say it is disappointing that they aren't supportive of your relationship. Seriously. When you let DRAMA in, everything becomes bigger and more emotional and more powerful than it needs to be. If your S/O won't step up and do what needs to be done to stop this silliness, then you do have a problem that needs to be addressed though. But that's between you and him. These other people don't matter unless you give them the power to matter. 1
Author bluegreen Posted August 29, 2012 Author Posted August 29, 2012 You are right ma'm it just with stress of other things in life somehow this comes like an insult to an injury or like cherry on a top of ice cream and then I burst. I am emotional passionate about what I believe and feel and I express that same way so yes I see your point and funny thing is up until the moment comes I think like just you do s... them who cares about them and so on but If for some reason am already stressed and upset then s... hits a fan. I'll try harder and hopefully when some issues and troubles I have get resolved this won't matter so much at all ...
justwhoiam Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 Attacked directly no but its that ugly feeling at a bottom of my tummy that close people around him they "don't" like me and we will never mesh and yes I did nothing to provoke that except exist in his life and that makes me wanna howl. I knows they are being petty ignorant and jealous even of the fact that I live in "land of dreams" but somehow it does not help matters he loves every and each one of them and yes that fact feels rotten to me ... I still know what I already knew: nothing . Make a couple of examples of things that really bothered you.
Author bluegreen Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 I still know what I already knew: nothing . Make a couple of examples of things that really bothered you. Am sorry am really trying OK I always send them happy holidays b days and similar occasions messages then "never" did one for me sure they reply to mine and that's it. When they are over at his place and he calls me they talk to him around him but never once they said hey tell her we said hello never once at all they ignore what he is doing like he is not doing it at all. When on few occasional times I had to ask them about him their replies where bordering on rude and obnoxious then became that completely they know about me but think of me of must be something like passing fancy or infatuation or worse someone he will never be one with or less even marry. They "know" better than that and yet it changes nothing we are in this silent battle and I have yet to discover why is that so I tried being nice I tried ignoring it I tried until I blew up I don't need anyone to kiss my b... or want to force anyone to like me but at least acknowledge my presence be decent to me and keep away if you want but be decent am here its his decision no one forced him to fall in love with me ...
justwhoiam Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 OK I always send them happy holidays b days and similar occasions messages then "never" did one for me sure they reply to mine and that's it. Ok, this is really silly. You always do your part, and don't expect anything in return. That's the way to go. When you know it's someone's birthday (like his father or his mother), you say happy birthday. You can also do that through your boyfriend. You don't need to send your wishes directly to them. There's not a level of confidence for you to do so. Bear in mind that things that are just normal to you may not be so to others. Showing too much confidence with people who don't know you that well can be perceived the wrong way. So be kind, but keep a low-profile. If I understand correctly, he lives with his family (parents/siblings). Living in a family and being exposed to just anything without so much privacy means that - indirectly - you too are exposed to any kind of judgement. They probably see him talking to you a lot when he's at home or around them, and that too is not bound to make a good impression on them. That has nothing to do with excessive communication with you, mind you. Maybe you just talk to him for one hour every day, but if that hour happens to be during the time they can be together, it can impact on their communication. Try to keep a balanced and healthy pattern for all the people involved. While if he just sits around all day and his parents are retired... a one-hour talk wouldn't have any particular effect. I hope you understood what I meant. About the other thing you mentioned. He should arrange things better. When he wants to be social with friends hanging around with them or having them visit him, he shouldn't call you right then. That's bad timing. It's like the two of you having a date and unwanted people are joining. How is he handling this thing? It doesn't sound good to me. Doesn't he want to be alone with you? Have some privacy? That's wrong on two levels: - he's not paying full attention to you - he's being rude to them, kind of ignoring them So I can understand his friends too. You boyfriend needs to manage things better. He's just being too casual and careless. 1
turnera Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 (edited) Would you get sick of it and let them win or keep fighting until the end of your love toward your s/o ? I would just take a break from my family and friends. Why hang around people who aren't supportive? And if it's his family and friends, you initiate a boundary. You tell him, "I love you but I won't talk to you about these people. If you bring them up, I will have to hang up or not reply." And then do it. Edited August 30, 2012 by turnera 1
Author bluegreen Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 I would just take a break from my family and friends. Why hang around people who aren't supportive? And if it's his family and friends, you initiate a boundary. You tell him, "I love you but I won't talk to you about these people. If you bring them up, I will have to hang up or not reply." And then do it. That's what we have started doing and it works well to be honest but its just hard sometimes cause their lives are so tangled up together but we had nice calm week at least and we did our best to focus the talk and attention on us again ....
turnera Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 But, see, you are at a forum asking for advice on how to grow and change and improve. He's not. So it's up to you to move this relationship forward. SHOW him how to disentangle himself from them. Remember that 95% of people never ask for help to grow or even realize they should. You are a leader just by being here. Show him what a healthy relationship looks like. Something my therapist told me about my dysfunctional husband and MY enabling activities that helped him STAY dysfunctional - she said I can continue to prop him up and we never get anywhere and remain unhappy. Or I can pull away, enact my boundaries, and he will either fall flat on his face (and learn) or learn to stand on his own two feet. Either way, he improves and our relationship improves. Do you know about boundaries?
Author bluegreen Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 But, see, you are at a forum asking for advice on how to grow and change and improve. He's not. So it's up to you to move this relationship forward. SHOW him how to disentangle himself from them. Remember that 95% of people never ask for help to grow or even realize they should. You are a leader just by being here. Show him what a healthy relationship looks like. Something my therapist told me about my dysfunctional husband and MY enabling activities that helped him STAY dysfunctional - she said I can continue to prop him up and we never get anywhere and remain unhappy. Or I can pull away, enact my boundaries, and he will either fall flat on his face (and learn) or learn to stand on his own two feet. Either way, he improves and our relationship improves. Do you know about boundaries? Actually I am doing that but its not so easy changing whole cultural outlook logic and behavior from hundreds of years of where is he from and in his defense he "lived" like that for 3 decades so its not going to change in a day but am chipping at him bit by bit and sometimes big bite by big big bite. Yes I know just what do you mean about stepping back and letting then either learn or fall flat and its also included in this challenge and few others I had as well. Boundaries are well known to me and its not in my wish to separate him from his family or friends but as you said just to establish some normality in how they think he is theirs single in relationship married or else ...
turnera Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Then you don't understand boundaries. A boundary is what you do for YOU. What YOU can accept in your life. If you find yourself compromising your beliefs just to keep your SO from leaving you, what life do you have? A boundary is NOT you telling your SO to change himself for you or to change his 'cultural outlook.' It is YOU telling your SO that THESE are the rules YOU have to live by. And, if he can't go along with them (such as not lying for family members, whatever), then you two really aren't compatible. To stay together in any other circumstances is a recipe for disaster. You WiLL end up divorced or worse.
Author bluegreen Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 I see what you mean it might be my not being born bred English speaker that cause me to not understand what you meant. I thought you said I was stepping over boundaries concerning his family and friends the word that I would have understood better might have been values or choices and that am not shy to express at all. I don't get my way every time its true but am not being rug mat he walks all over either so yes there are challenges in our relationships but am sure we will over come them and being here asking questions does not makes us future failures in marriages and relationships if everyone was lieder who would be follower and supporter then ?
turnera Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 There's an amazing book you can read that will explain this all. It's called Boundaries In Marriage, by Cloud and Townsend. Read it together. It will help you both understand how to move forward together. Another excellent book to read together is His Needs Her Needs, by Harley.
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