Homer j simpson Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 Hi everyone, ive never posted here before but i have been reading the forums for months. I'm 33 and have been with my partner for 13 years now. we have 3 children together. The problem is over the past 4 years especially my partner has gained quite a lot of weight and i no longer find her attractive. I feel really guilty about this as i know its shallow but i cannot help how i feel. I've tried to hide these feelings from her and even from myself and try to pretend everything is normal. Our sex life is virtually non existent and even though i do feel in the mood sometimes, i just cant bring myself to want to get intimate with her. I have tried to discuss her weight and she shrugs it off as if its not even an issue. I have to endure watching her sitting eating bags of crisps and eating chocolate bars and drinking cans of coke whilst staring at the t.v. This really depresses me. I have tried excercising in the house and eating healthy in the hope she would follow. She never even attempted to have a go. Since having children ( my oldest is 10 ) she has not worked i have supported her since. At the moment times are financially difficult and i have aske her to get a job and contribute to the household income and she just said whats the point? she has no intentions of wanting to work and clearly told me so. How on earth did i end up having a good looking girlfreind 13 years ago, to ending up with an overweight couch potato?? As i said in the title, i feel really wrapped up in guilt ( mostly about the thought of possibly leaving my children some point in the future ) and as i grew up with no father i feel even more guilty about inflicting the same childhood onto them. I seriously need help and advice. Thanks to anyone who can advise me in what to do.
jmjacobs31 Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 Maybe you could talk to her about the whole house becoming healthy. Your wife eating bad/ being lazy is setting a poor example for your kids. Talk to her about changing the eating habbits of everyone. Maybe suggest cooking healthy meals as a family activity. Also you could even work out as a family by going on bike rides or hiking. Could working out be something you two do as a couple? Lots of gyms know have child care so you could go to the gym together while the kids play in the play area. 1
Author Homer j simpson Posted August 27, 2012 Author Posted August 27, 2012 Thanks for your reply. I wish it would be that easy. She shows no interest in doing anything that regards the gym in any way. I feel its because shes so unfit and is worried about what others will think of her. I have tried to break her eating habits, but some things she just will not give up. coke being one of them, and crisps.
JD1977 Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 If your wife is uncomfortable about going to the gym start small, start by walking with her. Jacobs is right, getting the kids involved forces her to make a harder decision about opting out. I would be concerned that she is not willing to get a job to help out the family. You should be a team. Maybe try some MC. But for her to make any changes, she is going to need your complete support.
the ill-made knight Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 I think you need to let her know how serious this situation is. I'm not a fan of threatening to leave or anything like that, but I think you should tell her that you can no longer live with certain behaviors i.e. the above and if things don't change you will be leaving her. The thing about your partner is she has become comfortable and lazy. I'd change that. 1
SuperGeek Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 (edited) Hi OP, Unfortunately, this is just about the hardest issue to deal with in a relationship. Financials, inlaws, and possibly even infidelity are 'easier' issues to deal with than weight management when it comes to females. You are basically screwed if you don't say anything (since you have to live with them continuing piling away the food and them slowly getting obese). You are also screwed if you do say something because then she will be upset and tell her girlfriends, family, etc and they will start to hate you for it. They will think you are another male pig that just cares only about physical looks and aesthetics. [ If her family, friends, are also over weight, they will instantly hate you the moment you say anything about her trying to lose weight - even if you say it in the nicest possible way ]. Men are completely screwed on this issue, so my condolences to you. Before you read any furhter, please keep in mind MY marriage of 4 years ended of this very issue. My ex when we met was bout 50-60 kg and by the time she walked out the door she had blown up to about 90 kg. i tried everything in my power to get her to live a more healthy lifestyle, but there was just no having it. She told all her friends, family, about me having a go at her weight issues and they all starting hating me. Eventually the relationship just fell apart and we got divorced. I do not have any advice for you on this subject. The best thing I can tell you is to NOT be direct about the weight issues. If you are direct she will start to resent you over time and eventually you'll wind up seeing your wife walk out the door. The best thing you can do is eat healthy yourself always. Go to the gym on a regular schedule. If she cooks a really unhealthy meal, just politely say you would rather eat "X" because it agrees with your digestive system better. Join some clubs for active people and invite her along (such as rock climbing, jogging, etc). If she refuses to go, then go by yourself anyway and have a good time. The only thing you can do is just be a good healthy example without saying anything about her bad habits. It is unfortunate that women make this issue EXTREMELY hard to talk about in relationships. It's also one of the most untracked relationship killers and people don't even realize it. I feel for you mate, I really do. Overeating and unhealthy weight gain of a spouse is just as bad if not worse than a drug habit. It's worse because it can't be talked about without being villianized be her and her female friends. Some women are able to talk about it without getting offended but most won't be able to. My relationship ended horribly due to this issue so tread lightly. It has taken me over two years to get over my ex. She ended up resenting me for talking about her losing weight and eventually she turned me into a villain to her entire family. She didn't just burn the bridge, she nuked the site from orbit. Best of luck to you mate. SuperGeek Edited August 27, 2012 by SuperGeek
dangerous Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 "I think you need to let her know how serious this situation is. I'm not a fan of threatening to leave or anything like that, but I think you should tell her that you can no longer live with certain behaviors i.e. the above and if things don't change you will be leaving her. The thing about your partner is she has become comfortable and lazy. I'd change that." Totally agree. If its bad enough to make you consider leaving, tell her how it is. If she doesn't want to lose you, she'll make the effort to change. If she loves her snacks more than you, that says it all, in which case you'll remain unhappy. So what if she gets offended, you're being honest and telling her how this makes you feel. She has changed for the worst and you have the right to tell her. (it's maybe different if she has some mental issues which are causing the overeating like depression. In that case she needs to work with a doctor to get help. Tell her. If she refuses you are back to your ultimatum.)
Author Homer j simpson Posted August 27, 2012 Author Posted August 27, 2012 Thanks for reading and trying to offer some guidance. I really appreciate any advice and take everything into account. I try to imagine what my life will be like losing my home and my 3 kids, or staying with someone i am no longer attracted to and living a lie. has anyone else been in this postion and done somthing about it ....only to regret it ?
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 How on earth did i end up having a good looking girlfreind 13 years ago, to ending up with an overweight couch potato?? Three words: Bart, Lisa, Maggie (And YOU are as much to blame as anybody.) 1
SuperGeek Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 (edited) You can't just lay it on the line harshly with the weight issue or it will end up in instant divorce. Women are sensitive about weight and their physical appearance. Later on it will be referred to as 'emotional abuse'. Perhaps my ex just didn't give a ****, but the issue is very hard for them. I've experienced it myself for YEARS. Also, it is quite likely she already realizes she's overweight and doesn't feel good about it and/or doesn't know how to solve it (i.e. it could be an overeating due to stress/anxiety). You have to go about it in the right way or ...... ka-b00m. [ Same with other addictions as well, you can't just ditch someone addicted to pain pills, etc ]. Notice how no females have replied to this thread (at least that I'm able to infer) ??? lol. Interesting, no? Best of luck to anyone going through this same issue. It's like silent torture. SuperGeek "I think you need to let her know how serious this situation is. I'm not a fan of threatening to leave or anything like that, but I think you should tell her that you can no longer live with certain behaviors i.e. the above and if things don't change you will be leaving her. The thing about your partner is she has become comfortable and lazy. I'd change that." Totally agree. If its bad enough to make you consider leaving, tell her how it is. If she doesn't want to lose you, she'll make the effort to change. If she loves her snacks more than you, that says it all, in which case you'll remain unhappy. So what if she gets offended, you're being honest and telling her how this makes you feel. She has changed for the worst and you have the right to tell her. (it's maybe different if she has some mental issues which are causing the overeating like depression. In that case she needs to work with a doctor to get help. Tell her. If she refuses you are back to your ultimatum.) Edited August 28, 2012 by SuperGeek wrong name heh 1
whichwayisup Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Thanks for reading and trying to offer some guidance. I really appreciate any advice and take everything into account. I try to imagine what my life will be like losing my home and my 3 kids, or staying with someone i am no longer attracted to and living a lie. has anyone else been in this postion and done somthing about it ....only to regret it ? She could be depresssed and unhappy because shes' gained weight and or vice versa. I say, be honest but nicely. Let her know that you do love her and want her to be around for a very long time. Be adament about her getting more healthy, eating better foods and even offer to help - Whether it be walkin with her or getting her into tennis.. Anything active so she can lose some weight and feel good about herself again. Don't bail on her because of this. I know you can't help feeling less attracted to her but how much of this is really about the weight and more about her attitude, and doing less than before? it's a fine line that can easily be mixed up. She needs a full physical from her Dr, just to make sure everything is okay and also it's a good start to get a food plan and exercise plan with the help of her Dr. If the situation was reversed, I'm sure you wouldn't want her to bail on you. 1
mark982 Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 since she won't work,take control of the finances,then she will have to eat healthier.i don't advocate divorce either but you only get so many years on this earth,if she don't wanna try,oh well you tried.
KKarma Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 She could be depresssed and unhappy because shes' gained weight and or vice versa. I say, be honest but nicely. Let her know that you do love her and want her to be around for a very long time. Be adament about her getting more healthy, eating better foods and even offer to help - Whether it be walkin with her or getting her into tennis.. Anything active so she can lose some weight and feel good about herself again. Don't bail on her because of this. I know you can't help feeling less attracted to her but how much of this is really about the weight and more about her attitude, and doing less than before? it's a fine line that can easily be mixed up. She needs a full physical from her Dr, just to make sure everything is okay and also it's a good start to get a food plan and exercise plan with the help of her Dr. If the situation was reversed, I'm sure you wouldn't want her to bail on you. Precisely, many times we get so caught up in ourselves that we may be failing to see what SHE is going through. No Woman likes to feel or be unattractive...she is going through a downward spiral... If she has not worked in a while, the kids are growing, she most likely feels "useless." Talk to her about how she FEELS...what she wants. Perhaps something as simple as taking a class will be what she needs to become motivated in Life which will lead her to become motivated in MANY areas... Don't give up.... Best of Luck
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