If a relationship was serious, why would the girlfriend break up with the guy?

[Bangbangonthewall]

So, I was dating a girl for a while, and we were having arguments as we progressed past month 4. I was getting somewhat annoyed with them, but there were about once a week. I mean, that's really ridiculous if you ask me.

 

She was 27; I was 25.

 

Eventually, two weeks before we hit the 6-month mark, she breaks up with me. I'm really surprised by this, and eventually we just drifted apart.

 

But what I later learned from sources was that she considered the relationship to be a serious relationship. And she also claims that she doesn't "date," she only has serious relationships.

 

Does that sound realistic to you? Only having serious relationships? That's not practical, right? Because a person has to date before the relationship gets more serious.

 

Sure, there is the fact that she wants to get married and have children, but I have a hard time believing that she will consider a relationship serious once she hooks up with a guy.

 

What I'm curious about is... if a girl was serious about being with a guy, why would she break up with him so easily and resent him? And not give him another chance?

[Bangbangonthewall]

Interesting. I hadn't though of it that way.

 

But then again, she never really expressed herself well enough as to what direction she wanted the relationship to go. I let her know after about three months into the relationship that I would be serious about marrying her. And about 5 months into the relationship, I let her know I would be serious about having a child with her, but it was something we would have to put off until we became financially stable.

 

So, I have a hard time understanding how she would think that I didn't consider the relationship to be serious. I did. I was in school at the time with coursework that consumed all my time. I couldn't spend much time with her, but I did want to be with her. I was serious about long-term commitment, but I couldn't spend all of my time with her at the time. I needed me time at various times in the relationship.

 

I don't know why she would have thought I was wasting her time.

[RedRobin]

Interesting. I hadn't though of it that way.

 

But then again, she never really expressed herself well enough as to what direction she wanted the relationship to go. I let her know after about three months into the relationship that I would be serious about marrying her. And about 5 months into the relationship, I let her know I would be serious about having a child with her, but it was something we would have to put off until we became financially stable.

 

So, I have a hard time understanding how she would think that I didn't consider the relationship to be serious. I did. I was in school at the time with coursework that consumed all my time. I couldn't spend much time with her, but I did want to be with her. I was serious about long-term commitment, but I couldn't spend all of my time with her at the time. I needed me time at various times in the relationship.

 

I don't know why she would have thought I was wasting her time.

 

Your words and actions didn't line up.

 

You said with words that you were serious... but the time you spent with school and other things showed you weren't.

 

I believe she did the right thing.

[the ill-made knight]

Perhaps it was all the arguing combined with the fact she thought you were not serious about her?

[RedRobin]

Robin, organic chem lab at the university level is a time sucker. There's no way I could have really focused on her, science classes, and had me time. If I couldn't balance things, I would have just encountered a bunch of burn out like a lot of science and health students do. I've tried it before, and years of schooling gave me the experience to know what I have to do to succeed. At best, I could give her my word. I got six hours of sleep on average. And if I took an hour out every other day to talk to her, yeah, I would have burned out.

 

Well, I was graduating in two weeks. I would be done, have my bachelors degree, start looking for jobs, maybe get a job in my hometown. Take a gap year and start something more serious with her. She was cool with the idea of relocating. I was helping her move toward her nursing degree, too. We would have been able to re-locate for sure.

 

She broke up with my about two weeks before graduation. We had plenty of talks on the phone about how I was doing my best for the both of us: Her and I. I told her that plenty of times on the phone. It felt antagonizing that she didn't believe me, that she kept a sense of paranoia about the situation as if she couldn't trust what I had to say. She knew that I cared about her and loved her.

 

Some of what happened makes me think she was just trying to blind me. As though it was all really a fling to her.

 

And now, I'm back in my hometown, with her about a 15-minute drive away. And I find all of this really ridiculous.

 

How did she know?

 

Did she tell you she felt cared for and loved?

 

I've dumped guys who said and did what you did... at the end of the day... words don't matter.

 

When push came to shove... it sounds like she wasn't ready to take the next step. Sounds like. She probably saw a picture of her future life with you and it was going to be all about you and your job. All she had was your 'word'. That's not good enough when you consistently show with your actions that it doesn't mean much.

 

Unless you have proof otherwise, don't you dare accuse her of having a 'fling' with you.

 

You were the one who was not 'in it' from what I can tell. Not really.

 

I get it that you want your emotional safety net and someone to have sex with when you get a spare moment.

 

She probably wants someone to spend quality time with.

[RedRobin]

Again, interesting.

 

When we were arguing, it was generally about the relationship and what direction it was going. I would not start these arguments. I felt confident in the relationship, where it was going, and knew that I wanted to be with her. I let her know that plenty of times. I remember one time I talked to her on the phone for like the third time in a row, and I told her, "I don't want to hear anything more about this."

 

I told and straight and simple that I was tired of arguing about it. I was a very busy person, and for her to constantly argue about the same thing, over and over, was wasting my time and getting us no where. Imagine taking half an hour to an hour every so often arguing about the same stuff while you've got really important stuff to do. Not cool.

 

I felt like I had to constantly calm her down. She was (probably still is) on medication for depression and anxiety.

 

oh.. ok... you never spend time with her and now you are going to

 

a) claim it was just a fling for her

b) claim she has mental issues.

 

You might be right about b)

 

... but to be honest... breaking up with you was a healthy thing for her sounds like if you can't spend time with her and basically tell her to shut up when she voices concerns.

 

Sorry you can't see that.

[RedRobin]

No, she didn't tell me that she felt cared for and loved. But then again, I don't have many relationships with women where they start saying, "I feel that you love and care for me. I really appreciate that."

 

Doesn't seem like that happens too often. I'm not saying that's normal in a relationship. I often find there is a implied mutual agreement that people either care about each other or they don't.

 

I was definitely in it. However, being my last semester, spending about $15,000 a year to be where I was, I wanted to keep the girl and get my degree. I explained to her plenty of times that we'd be able to spend more time once I got my degree.

 

No, you don't get anything about my emotional safety net or desire for sex. I already had a ****-buddy for a good year. Younger, smarter, cuter, and more wise. Way less of a hassle than the girl I ditched the ****-buddy for (and the the ****-buddy was an ex-gf of mine). I ditched her because I wanted to have a serious, long-term, loving relationship. I could have done without, though, at least for another school semester.

 

The girl I am talking about in this thread was a woman I had a crush on for a few years. Her and I never talked much, but I was always interested in dating her. I found it really exciting. And the sex was somewhat better. But about half-way into the relationship, I got bored with the sex. It didn't mean much to me. What mattered more was the emotional connection we had and feeling in love. We'd still have sex, though. I think it was that I was way more focused on getting my bachelors and getting out of the system. Success is a priority. And those who cannot understand that fact are bound to repeat poverty like those before them. That's a great way to raise a child: In poverty. Not my cup of tea.

 

That's why I often tried to get her to work harder and focus on her studies more. She was kind of dumb. Dropped out of a lot of classes (like over 10). Had a 2.4/4.0 GPA. And I knew it would help keep her busy. I think perhaps she didn't see well enough the problems I was going through, because she wouldn't put herself through the same amount of stress and activity that I did. She didn't understand how hard school could be while trying to balance everything else. I think she was just a quitter.

 

She's had plenty of flings with other guys. Even assaulted a guy once because he broke it off with her for another woman.

 

ah well fine then...

 

Guess it's no loss then if she's so 'horrible'...

 

You sound incredibly selfish.

 

Good luck with getting your next girlfriend to believe you care for her and love her... she told you all the things you'd need to do for her to feel cared for and loved and you told her to shut up.

 

Oh, and BTW... I know all about how hard school is... and the career afterwards. For a good portion of my education, I worked full-time AND went to school.

 

When I ultimately got a scholarship, the work didn't end. It didn't end after graduation either.

 

Face it... she wasn't up for your endless work schedule. That's all. Find someone who is and stop berating her.

[RedRobin]

Proving a would be more difficult, for sure. That would mean that I would have had to follow her, get involved in her life, and ignore my life for a while just to see if she is a good investment.

 

I never, ever told her to "shut up." I did tell her I was sick and tired of arguing about the same thing over and over. I suspect it may have been due to her having anxiety problems. Really? Do you like arguing about the same thing over and over and over again? Do you like a guy texting you sexy stuff over and over and over again? And then being annoyed with it?

 

If something had changed in my life, which nothing really changed every time we argued, then I could have seen the arguments worthwhile. If, say, I got accepted to medical school or was moving to Texas for their neuroscience program. If some new information had come my way, then sure. But for what her and I talked about, I planned on spending time with her, helping her get her nursing degree, us spending about two years together, and then getting out of our hometown together while being married. Because I told her that I would put off my life for her. That's a serious sacrifice. So, you can't go around saying that I considered myself more important. I was trying to establish things for us to be equals. I was willing to sacrifice a lot for her.

 

I don't think so. Sure, the conditions might be different, but no one really likes arguing about the same thing over and over. And me telling her that we aren't going to talk about it again was me telling her, "I love you. I plan on marrying you. I don't want anybody else. Please stop accusing me of not having those feelings. I don't appreciate it. It's mean and rude and a question of my loyalty and honor. That's final."

 

ooo!! That's 'final', huh?? Big words!!

 

That's not telling her to shut up? Basically accept whatever I'm giving you and LIKE IT?!

 

You're not too keen on negotiation or listening, eh?

[the ill-made knight]

Could this all have just been an insecurity on her part? Had an ex in her past perhaps cheated or led her on? Maybe she was just afraid to actually attempt to have what she wanted. Some people are like that.

 

The question is though, why is this still bothering you?

[RedRobin]

Could this all have just been an insecurity on her part? Had an ex in her past perhaps cheated or led her on? Maybe she was just afraid to actually attempt to have what she wanted. Some people are like that.

 

The question is though, why is this still bothering you?

 

No... it is actually quite smart to expect people's actions and words to line up.

 

It's not bothering me at all. I'm just confused why you care so much about the breakup.

 

You are now free to find someone who will step in line and do what you tell them... without so many 'arguments'.

 

...and only a very naive or insecure woman would continue going on words alone.

[tori0001]

Honestly the girl was the selfish one, breaking up with you while you're trying to better your life getting a degree for the both of your lives. You deserve better. Someone who understands what you are trying to do.

[RedRobin]

Honestly the girl was the selfish one, breaking up with you while you're trying to better your life getting a degree for the both of your lives. You deserve better. Someone who understands what you are trying to do.

 

He hadn't made a commitment to her. He did not indicate with his actions any kind of commitment whatsoever.

 

Just words...

 

Sounds to me that he just wanted a 'trailer'...

[RedRobin]

No... it is actually quite smart to expect people's actions and words to line up.

 

It's not bothering me at all. I'm just confused why you care so much about the breakup.

 

You are now free to find someone who will step in line and do what you tell them... without so many 'arguments'.

 

...and only a very naive or insecure woman would continue going on words alone.

 

Correction... I mistook the above poster for the OP.

 

I believe it is the OP who is insecure... hence his need to continually berate his girlfriend for refusing to step in line... and dangle his commitment carrot to keep her around.

[RedRobin]

I disagree with you. Nothing really productive came out of the arguments her and I had. It was a constantly questioning of what I planned on doing once I graduate. It was in the FUTURE. There was nothing I could do at the time to really satisfy her except drop out of school and hang out with her. How can I give her actions that show I'll be with her in the future? I can't. I can try persuading her at best with words and actions. But only time would show the truth. And it's antithetical that she would argue and bicker about it only to eventually break up with me.

 

And she knew my work schedule well enough. If that was really her problem, she did a poor job of speaking up about it after arguing multiple times.

 

That's great you got a scholarship and worked full-time. Statistics show that the majority of science students do not work and go to school at the same time. However, this changes for liberal arts individuals. Were you a liberal arts student? Perhaps something in the fine arts? Change the conditions and I'm sure the reactions would have been different. I'm wise enough to know there is more to a situation when people start making claims like you about work and school. I did do research, however. Volunteer work.

 

Ha. No. It was not in liberal arts.

 

My degree was as tough or tougher than yours Mr. Organic Chem (yes, mine is in science.. and completed at one of the top schools in the US).

 

... Look... there is no need for either of you to feel bad or for you to trash her. It is good that you both figured this out before you made a commitment... or tried to.

 

She didn't want to be a career casualty. Not every woman does. When you start dating someone again, let them know how much time you spend at school/work... that this is who you 'are'. No sense fighting about it.

 

Just find someone who is ok with it.

 

Cheer up!!

 

Given that you are a guy, you have a much higher chance than I ever did or had at finding someone who would accept your work schedule... that's for sure.

[tori0001]

Red Robin, I think you're deflecting about something that happened to you in your past. Any sensible woman would back her man in a career choice that would better both her and her mans life.

[tori0001]

I'm very sorry for what has happened.

[the ill-made knight]

I think in the end it was her insecurities that did you guys in [at least from the sounds of it] and if that's the case there was nothing you could've done differently. You could've spent a million hours with her and she would've felt the same.

[SushiX]

It's called the grass is greener syndrome. Many people get it after getting bored of the relationship. Get used to it because it will happen a lot.