Critical problem-struggling with career choice and purpose in life

[disquieted_dragonfly]

Hello and thank you for stopping by to read about my biggest issue.

 

The key problem: I'm a 23-year old girl, and I don't know what to do with myself regarding my future in research.

 

First, some background info: I have grown up being an outstanding child, doing always very well in school to the point I was getting bored sometimes by the too slow progress; drawing and painting nicely, reading everything I could get my hands on, preponderently literature and (children's) science books. My learning spree got toned down in high-school where I stuck to learning well in one of the best German schools in my country and having good grades, but I wasn't progressing intellectually in such an alert rhythm as before (I learned a great deal more about people, though). I wasn't worried. I passed my end-of-highschool exams with very good grades too.

 

Previously, I had had a very hard time around grade 10 deciding what I want to study in the future. I was good at lots of things, but in the end, after trying out some architecture classes, I decided for my other option, namely research in molecular biology. So I passed the admission exam in the 11th grade and was admitted to one of the best biology faculties in my country (not in hometown). Sadly, there was no direct specialization in molecular biology, but, in the first year, I enjoyed learning about animals, plants and ecosystems too, and knew I'd get more specialized by choosing an appropriate Master's programme afterwards.

 

The start: All the time in year 1 I did not go crazy about my future job, studying and reading like insane, like really interested people do. I expected more from myself, but was too passive to just read something extra to what was taught in class. In addition to that, my college wasn’t great and did not keep me motivated at all. There was a lot to learn, but I was understanding it too easily in class and/or learning it well right before my exams, which did earn me very good grades nonetheless. I was spending most of the time with my new boyfriend, the one I had desired for a long time, not realising he was slowly trapping me in his net of irresponsibility, comfort and basically doing nothing really important for days in a row.

 

A big problem arises:Then, in year 2, after all this passivity, I got depressive (I won’t say depressed because it was never diagnosed as clinical depression). The following passivity was even worse than before, and there was no bit of energy left in me to pick up a book and read something interesting. (This day-to-day hell ate, in total, 2 years of my life.) It took me over one year to realize that something is terribly amiss and go see a specialist.

 

In the meanwhile, at the beginning of year 3 of my bachelor, I (incredulously) applied for a much desired Master’s scholarship for Germany in order to get away from my really unmotivating, underfinanced and unspecialized college at home. I applied with lots of dedication, learned a lot about proper applications and worked very hard for it and in the end received it. When it came down to choosing 3 potential target universities with molecular biology programmes, I, being a terrible perfectionist, naturally chose the 2 most renowned programmes in Germany and a backup option.

 

Then I realised there would be admission exams. And at the same time, it hit me horribly hard that I was extremely underprepared. All my knowledge in genetics, cell biology and biochemistry was shaky, not to mention really bad math and chemistry skills, and simply not having an overview about how things work in science. I started a desperate quest to learn these things in 1 semester and lamentably failed. Because I was so afraid, I was pushing myself way too hard to learn too much too fast and in the end, nothing stuck with me. I wasn’t even elected to write one of the admission exams (they said the things I had studied weren’t specialized enough) and apparently failed the other. After this catastrophe, I was accepted at 2 other very good universities in Germany and, after a long wait, at a third, which is a very famous university and, surprinsingly, had had no admission exam.

 

I was extremely happy and couldn’t wait to start, hoping I would manage to see more clearly where I had gaps in my knowledge and also fill them (in my surge of optimism, I thought I’d do this in the first semester…so naïve:) ). For the first time in 2 years, the depressive thoughts subsided, I had energy, was in a new city and anxiously waiting for the new beginning.

 

Rock bottom: Next, I truly hit rock bottom, psychologically speaking. Some days before school start, my boyfriend (the one I already mentioned, and who I thought I was having a very serious relationship with) simply cheated on me and left me. I could not choose any of the courses I had wanted for my first semester due to birocracy issues. I could not find a place of my own to rent and had to live for more than 2 months at a friend’s (luckily!), but there was great pressure to move out. Of course, I was a wreck psychically speaking. I wasn’t really mentally present in classes in these first 2 months and college became EXTREMELY demanding. I was faced every day with things that made me feel so stupid because I did not know them. I had a practical course with a lamentably failed final presentation. My final grades were around 3 (the German grading system ranges from 1 to 5, 1 being the highest) and I felt devastated, afraid and horribly alone, away from any family and friends (except the one I lived with in the beginning). Best of all: I kept thinking I am too stupid to do science, that it’s a train I missed because of my poor start in my Bachelor and that I’ll never make it. It was so bad I “prayed” every night of the last winter to die in my sleep so as to not face the next day in which I’d be exhausted, forced to perform at a level that seemed impossible at the time, feel humiliated when standing in front of my very well-prepared peers and knowing nobody had reasons to appreciate me or interest in talking to me. I started learning for my exams some 2 months ahead, but the time simply wasn’t enough for me to grasp what was taught, because I had to look up lots. Some because I wasn’t mentally there in class and had to re-make the connections, some was part of my missing background.

 

No real solution: I’ve been benefiting from psychological counselling for 6 months now, and my school life at least has improved a great deal (hats off to the free counselling that the local organization for students is offering!). With clever strategies and lots of learning I got some really good results in this semester (my grades rose to almost the maximal grade). It was the necessity for constant working in the past months that kept the numbness, passivity and serious, fearful thoughts at bay, and I felt satisfied in the end. You would think this should have done the trick and I should be perfectly fine.

 

But I see myself facing the same challenge now as I did 3 years ago, when I started my Bachelor’s study. It’s the missing drive. It’s like some part of what motivates me is lost while I’m only daydreaming about doing important research work one day. I am interested in the molecular basis of diseases and what we can do against them. Instead of working really hard on filling gaps I know I have, I find myself simply worrying about not being good very, very good, as I would expect from myself in order to get a bit more secure. And then I resort to doing other, less important things, instead of sitting down and doing something, anything, to improve the situation. Maybe I do not know what exciting things to read in order to keep myself motivated. Maybe what scares me is that I can not make a precise plan about what I’m going to do in my next and last year in this programme, and then afterwards. Sometimes the whole uncertainty of career paths in science is making me sick because I’d love to make a plan and set goals to be working on every day, but obviously can’t, since I can not just decide in which direction I will go (all the scientists and professors I know have made a big switch at least once in their careers).

I am not sure if all of this is external, caused by all these tangible uncertainties, the result of inner workings and my insecurities, if I just have a difficult personality that leans towards passivity and which can be fixed or if I simply am not cut to make a decent career in science. It scares me to death, thinking I could be on the completely wrong path and realizing only after giving it years of my life that I should have done something else. The immediate concern here is: I am not convinced that this is what I want to do. If I am not convinced, I can only convince others up to a certain point to give me places for practical courses or Master’s theses, their (interpersonal) vote of trust, their appreciation.

 

So: what do I do with myself? How do I untangle this knot, while not letting it take a toll on my current performances?

 

I am grateful for anyone’s two cents on this, and happy to answer more questions if they arise. Thank you.

[denise_xo]

Here's what you need to do: Chill out.

 

I say this as an academic. I understand your drive and motivation and perfectionism. But the more stress you put on yourself, the less your performance will be, as you said yourself:

 

Because I was so afraid, I was pushing myself way too hard to learn too much too fast and in the end, nothing stuck with me.

 

I think our culture is a bit too obsessed with philosophising about whether what we are doing is 'what we really want to do'. Sure, it's good to be reflective about how you go about in your life, it's good to be critical, and it's good to want to make a change. But the reality is that in almost every position you are in, you CAN make a difference of some sort. Reality is also that not everyone is 100% in love with their job all of their time. I love research, but there are days when I would rather work in a coffee shop or a florist - when what I do seem a bit meaningless etc. That's fine if you use those moments to take a critical look at what you're doing, it's less constructive if you're constantly measuring yourself to 'why am I not making the greatest discovery of the universe'. The latter frequently becomes more about yourself than about actually wanting to make a change.

 

So more specifically, I think you should:

 

- keep seeing that psychologist and keep working on those feelings of 'not being good enough'. If you're not good enough, you won't be accepted to do further research after your master, and then you can find a relevant, non research based job. But based on what you write here, it seems to me that your problem is lack of confidence rather than lack of ability. In addition to therapy, I think you should also try out some meditation to counter your stress.

 

- go into this master and its practical courses with an open mind, and remember that you don't have to be 100% convinced all the time that this is what you want to do every day of your future. Career changes are becoming increasingly common. With that kind of master you could probably also become a teacher, a science journalist, or work in a pharmaceutical company or a governmental health unit (and probably tons of other stuff as well), if you decide later that you don't want to do research. If, however, you start taking the practical courses and you decide that this really wan't what you thought it would be, then sure, reconsider. But don't sit and obsess about it before you have tried it out, because it's not going to help.

 

- I don't know about where you live, but in general finding a career path in science is much more secure than in a lot of subjects in humanities or the social sciences. So yes, while you can't plan out your entire career move over the next ten years, I would be surprised if wouldn't get a career out of this as long as you do decent academically (and I mean decent, not even excellent) in your master's.

 

Good luck

[Zed]

I have to strongly agree with denise. Although I am a proponent for self exploration and finding an appropriate fit to what is best in your life---this process should be creative, enjoyable and fun, but instead you are putting way too much pressure on yourself by hitting the quarter life crisis two years before hand.You are crushing a lot of joy out of your life, when instead your early twenties should be seen as an adventure not a burden.

 

Nevertheless, it sounds like you are exhibiting classic signs of burnout, which has been corralled rather well with counseling. I should mention that counseling is a supplemental tool, it is not a magic bullet so it's not unusual that you are still asking questions. Counseling effectiveness is only as good as you willing to use appropriate coping mechanisms. The fact that it has alleviated some anxiety is a good sign, but I do think you should attempt toengage in some enjoyable activities, relax into your current program and ease off the pressure cooker type thinking which may only fuel this exhausting levelof rumination that can kill your drive and joy in life.

 

I believe once you are able to restart genuine passion and contentment, that drive can kick back in and you can find new things to like about your program or whatever is you wish to pursue. Remember, an avocation is a flexible and ever changing process. All of us don't arrive to where we want to go in a linear fashion, unless we are child prodigy's like Mozart and even he was not terribly happy all the time. STEM is the future and provides a lucrative and interesting foundation to explore other options, should something pull you in another direction. It sounds like you are engaged with your field of interest--its not a soul sucking drudgery of epic proportions-so this indicates that your choice is not uninformed or fundamentally useless.

 

For now I strongly recommend that you continue therapy, continue to minimize burnout and just learn to enjoy your life for now, doing fun, creatively stimulating and relaxing slice of life activities.

[denise_xo]

I believe once you are able to restart genuine passion and contentment, that drive can kick back in and you can find new things to like about your program or whatever is you wish to pursue.

 

Quoted for truth. That was well put.

[disquieted_dragonfly]

Hi, Zed and denise_xo, and thank you for your thoughtful replies! In the end, the advice is very similar to what the counselor is telling me (and, as a matter of fact, a very good friend too), but I do find some things to be new and interesting.

 

@denise_xo: I find what you say about our culture being too obsessed about being in the completely right place very interesting. I think I have never distanced myself this much from the issue. It's really worth pondering about and I guess it has something to do with inner peace and confidence that things will go right even if they aren't 100% perfect at a given time. Those are indeed some of my greatest hurdles when it comes to feeling ok - restlessness, pessimism and excessive perfectionism (and perhaps wanting life to be too structured).

 

 

"That's fine if you use those moments to take a critical look at what you're doing, it's less constructive if you're constantly measuring yourself to 'why am I not making the greatest discovery of the universe'. The latter frequently becomes more about yourself than about actually wanting to make a change."

 

 

Well, after reading this, I feel a bit ashamed of myself. I really seem to be more self-obsessed than interested in doing something good...and I profoundly dislike the idea. Let's see what I can do about this. I suppose I needed this small wake-up call. And I will start be grateful that, as you say, this still is a more secure career than humanities (especially in Berlin).

 

Regarding your suggestions: I am still seeing the psychologist and probably will do for as long as we both think it's good for me, which definitely still is the case. And I generally am interested in all the courses, I don't think there was any one lecture from which I haven't learned something good. I'm actually trying to combat the general atmosphere of "oh, why do we need this one? this guy is so boring anyway. I just want a comfortable student life." and find something worthwhile in everything the master offers. And I am just puzzling out a backup plan in case research does not work. If everything fails, I think I'd like to get an art/design degree and be a science textbook illustrator:)

 

 

@Zed: I mistyped, I'm actually 22, and this somehow makes what you told me even more serious.

 

"You are crushing a lot of joy out of your life" - yes, this is probably true. I feel just old and weary, and definitely not adventurous (which was really the opposite back in highschool when I used to be more relaxed).

 

I'm not sure about the burnout, though. It's true I have been working hard-ish the last 2 semesters, but I have heard of much worse from certain colleagues. I think I will bring this up with my psychologist. No, I don't think counseling is a magic pill that will solve all my issues by just going there once every two weeks. Still, could you please explain me more about the coping mechanims? I don't really know which ones would be applicable in my case.

 

"I believe once you are able to restart genuine passion and contentment, that drive can kick back in and you can find new things to like about your program or whatever is you wish to pursue." I know this is the right thing to do, along with incorporating enjoyable things in my life, even if it seems impossible to reach at times.

 

To both of you: Thank you very much for your optimism and reassurance, it does help a little bit to remember not all is as dark as it seems (and that my occasional desire to take the first plane back home, live with my parents and work at the grocery store in the corner isn't so peculiar).

 

I have all these good ideas and intentions, but it feels like, while everyone around is swimming problemlessly in water, I'm swimming in goo-ey syrup and almost drown every 5 steps. Sometimes it gets me really exhausted, hopeless and desperate. I hope I will learn more and more about how to keep times with this state of mind very rare and moderate, even if it seems like the hardest thing in the world.

[Hawaii50]

Take time off, figure yourself out. Nothing is THAT important. I found out my life's calling after taking mushrooms.

[denise_xo]

@denise_xo: I find what you say about our culture being too obsessed about being in the completely right place very interesting. I think I have never distanced myself this much from the issue. It's really worth pondering about and I guess it has something to do with inner peace and confidence that things will go right even if they aren't 100% perfect at a given time. Those are indeed some of my greatest hurdles when it comes to feeling ok - restlessness, pessimism and excessive perfectionism (and perhaps wanting life to be too structured).

 

 

"That's fine if you use those moments to take a critical look at what you're doing, it's less constructive if you're constantly measuring yourself to 'why am I not making the greatest discovery of the universe'. The latter frequently becomes more about yourself than about actually wanting to make a change."

 

 

Well, after reading this, I feel a bit ashamed of myself. I really seem to be more self-obsessed than interested in doing something good...and I profoundly dislike the idea. Let's see what I can do about this. I suppose I needed this small wake-up call. And I will start be grateful that, as you say, this still is a more secure career than humanities (especially in Berlin).

 

Regarding your suggestions: I am still seeing the psychologist and probably will do for as long as we both think it's good for me, which definitely still is the case. And I generally am interested in all the courses, I don't think there was any one lecture from which I haven't learned something good. I'm actually trying to combat the general atmosphere of "oh, why do we need this one? this guy is so boring anyway. I just want a comfortable student life." and find something worthwhile in everything the master offers. And I am just puzzling out a backup plan in case research does not work. If everything fails, I think I'd like to get an art/design degree and be a science textbook illustrator:)

 

There's no need to feel ashamed. Rather than framing it as being self obsessed, you could rather see it as having a couple of things that you need to work on to reach a fuller enjoyment of life. That's pretty common I think.

 

From your description, it seems that you have chosen to do something you really enjoy. Additionally, a lot of European countries are crying out for people with expertise in sciences. You really shouldn't have that much to worry about in terms of your career. So just focus on enjoying what you are doing, and keep up the work with the therapist.

 

If you haven't done so already, I would recommend trying some meditation, yoga, dance classes or martial arts to help you refocus.

[disquieted_dragonfly]

I am planning on starting Aikido training again, I quit it about 2 years ago because of my Bachelor's thesis and never got around to it again (and I'm so happy to train again!). As for meditation, I am trying to take 10 min off every morning to start the day properly. I'm not sure if it's enough, but I don't really have time for more for now. Anyway, thank you very much for your advice and for the useful information about scientists being in-demand. It's something that isn't really talked about around here. Unfortunately, many of my colleagues are very pessimistic about what they'll do after their studies, and I guess it's a bit contagious. So it really helps to know better from someone experienced:)