It's over, now what?

[Larry55]

Hi,

 

Just an update to my co-worker and longtime friend issue that I’ve written about previously on here. I know this is long, but please bear with me…

 

I’ve made up my mind this is over, so please limit your advice to helping me know how to proceed. I still have feelings for her, but it’s clear it’s not mutual. As the Bonnie Raitt song says, “I can’t make you love me if you don’t.” It’s just not worth the pain and sleepless nights.

 

I know that the best advice is to go NC, but that is impossible because we work very closely together. I love my job and like and respect the people I work with, so I’d rather not leave. I’d really like to still be friends with her, if possible. I’ve known her for almost seven years and she is an amazing woman.

 

Here’s what brought me to this decision:

 

I texted “Amy” Saturday morning, as promised, to bring her up to date on was done at work after she left the previous evening. I also wanted to know how her seriously ill dad was doing. I said, "I'm heading out now to run errands, TTL." She didn't respond, which is a little odd in itself. I ran my errands, one of which was to go to a book store at the local mall to pick up a book that my mom wanted. The mall is close to Amy’s apartment, but it is also the closest one to me. When I came out, Amy's car was parked two spaces over from mine. I know it was her car, by the make, model and color, which are uncommon around here. Also, there was a parking permit from her apartment complex hanging from her rear view mirror. That is just way too much to be a coincidence, so close to her apartment. The weirdest thing is that she had removed her company parking sticker from the windshield. You could see something had been removed. She must have spotted my car while I was in the store and peeled off the sticker hoping I wouldn't recognize her car. we need to have the sticker at work to get access, so I'm sure she had it on Friday.

 

An hour or so later, she texted back to give me an update on her dad. I wrote back that I'll keep him in my prayers and hope he can come home soon. I mentioned I'd finished my errands, including the mall. I said I thought I saw your car. She said it was probably her car and that she was at a lunch party at a restaurant at the mall. That’s all fine and dandy, but why feel the need to peel off her parking sticker after she spotted my car?

 

I am so hurt right now. This behavior isn't how friends act. Why couldn't she have been honest and told me at some point that she just wanted to be friends? Why the hugs, hanging out, texts, etc? She’s given me all the signs for a long time, yet would back off if things started to progress. I'm almost at the point of saying screw it, I'm looking for work elsewhere, but I'm sure I'll cool down and deal with this more rationally in a day or two. Besides, the job market here is downright scary.

 

Should I speak with her about this? Should I let it go? Would discussing it make it worse? What would you do?

 

Thanks again everyone.

Edited August 26, 2012 by Larry55

[TaraMaiden]

Should I speak with her about this? Nah... why prolong the agony....?

 

Should I let it go? Probably best... what would dragging it out gain you....?

 

Would discussing it make it worse? See above....

 

What would you do? Let her tyres down....

 

You CAN go NC at work.

 

"The All New Caliguy No Contact Guide was written by a man who worked alongside his ex - and he managed it.

 

Good luck.

stick with it.

[Larry55]

You CAN go NC at work.

 

"The All New Caliguy No Contact Guide was written by a man who worked alongside his ex - and he managed it.

 

Good luck.

stick with it.

 

Thanks!

 

I just read Caliguy's excellent NC guide. There's some great stuff in there. I especially like the part about remaining friends only makes it easier for the other person.

 

Unfortunately, I work directly every day with this person and there is no way to go NC. The best I can do is limit all contact to work and go NC with anything else.

 

Interestingly, she started getting more evasive about her social calendar right about the same time she started hanging out with a guy we've both known for a long time (He's also the son of a co-worker) at work. He works some distance from our office. I didn't think anything of it, Amy is very social, mainly with GFs, but also with some guys like me and this other guy, but they started hanging out about once a week just about the same time Amy started getting more evasive...hmmm...

[shiftman]

If Amy pulled into the mall and recognized your car - and didn't want you to know that she was there, would it not make more sense to have just found another place to park? Someplace where you would not likely see her car while you were returning to yours?

 

Additionally, why would someone go to the trouble of removing a windshield parking sticker, only to leave a hanging apartment parking sticker dangling from a rear view mirror? Especially, if this person has a car that is easy to spot.

[TaraMaiden]

Unfortunately, I work directly every day with this person and there is no way to go NC. The best I can do is limit all contact to work and go NC with anything else.

 

Exactly so.

Talk work, and only work, in a polite, informal, 'disconnected' way.

Everything and anything to do with personal stuff, just shelve, dispose of, dispense with and disregard - completely....

 

You'll get there buddy....

[Larry55]

If Amy pulled into the mall and recognized your car - and didn't want you to know that she was there, would it not make more sense to have just found another place to park? Someplace where you would not likely see her car while you were returning to yours?

 

Additionally, why would someone go to the trouble of removing a windshield parking sticker, only to leave a hanging apartment parking sticker dangling from a rear view mirror? Especially, if this person has a car that is easy to spot.

 

I know. Makes no sense, right? All I can tell you is I've met her at that mall for lunch a few times and we've always parked in the same area. Also, the lot was very full closer to the stores. The parking sticker doesn't hang from her mirror, it's stuck on the back.

[Larry55]

Exactly so.

Talk work, and only work, in a polite, informal, 'disconnected' way.

Everything and anything to do with personal stuff, just shelve, dispose of, dispense with and disregard - completely....

 

You'll get there buddy....

 

Thanks! You rock!

 

I really wish it were different. She's amazing and we've been friends for almost 7 years now. We've grown closer in the last year. I really thought she was into me, what with all the signs. This sneaky sh*t thing thing with the sticker really ticked me off, especially because I've tried to be a friend with her dad had being ill. When she told me about her dad's diagnosis, I told her I'm there for her to talk or whatever 24/7.

 

Maybe the parking sticker removal was for some other reason, but I think that's unlikely when you look at the total picture.

[CaliGuy]

Thanks!

 

I just read Caliguy's excellent NC guide. There's some great stuff in there. I especially like the part about remaining friends only makes it easier for the other person.

 

Unfortunately, I work directly every day with this person and there is no way to go NC. The best I can do is limit all contact to work and go NC with anything else.

 

Interestingly, she started getting more evasive about her social calendar right about the same time she started hanging out with a guy we've both known for a long time (He's also the son of a co-worker) at work. He works some distance from our office. I didn't think anything of it, Amy is very social, mainly with GFs, but also with some guys like me and this other guy, but they started hanging out about once a week just about the same time Amy started getting more evasive...hmmm...

 

Just send me a private message if you have questions on how I dealt with this specific issue.