Just Another Boo-Hoo Why Me Story

[chattykathy64]

"I deserve better, I deserve better, I DESERVE BETTER" These are the words I keep repeating to myself as all my friends seem to think this is the solution to get over a husband who cheated on our marriage since day 1. The words are not helping, it's been seven months and I still feel like an idiot! I still obsess over not seeing the signs of infidelity and this awful stage of "I'll get him back *insert knife hacking sound byte*" this vindictive feeling is just not me! GAWD!

 

His first affair was back in 2010. I was recovering from breast cancer treatment. I forgave and chucked it up to bad coping skills. We married in 2007 and not long after I was diagnosed with a rare neurological syndrome (RSD) - no cure. I had then offered him an out as it was not what he signed on for. The cancer treatment advanced the syndrome, I again offered him an out. I do not want to be responsible for anyones misery. He said he loved me and admired my strength. By the end of 2010 I would struggle to walk 50 feet and could not tolerate being up for more then an hour. This was a huge mental blow as I had always been very independent and successful business wise. By the start of 2011 my business was closed and dark times for me. I isolate when I'm down, I would spend the next several months battling depression. He (husband) would find resolution in a married womans bed. All I wanted was a hug and to be told everything would be ok. I'd eventually find my own way out of my abyss...and the lights went on bright.

 

Thats the jest of things. what did I leave out? Hmmm All the oncology appointments he'd complain about having to drive me. After the surgery being told to sleep on the couch cuz he had to work. Chemo infusions I'd be dropped off and picked up four hour laters and endure how my treatment effected his social life. SO sorry I got cancer.

 

Gee - what signs did I miss that he was a self absorbed POS? The man left me, drained the bank account and told his family & friends I am a drug addict and in treatment. too many wicked lies to list from that one. Me- the big dummy who forgives now just trying to navigate through a divorce with him, we each have no lawyer. I freak out whenever i have to call him. I get real angry when he speaks to me like we are friends again.

 

I'm back! Pounded down and dumbed down for several years. Im walking again, not far or for long but I'm out of the wheelchair. Business back up and my positive energy back! Now he wants back into my life? GAG! Can I hear a loud FFFFFF- off!

 

I just wish I could bring myself to date again. It's not that I do not trust men. It is my own judgement I struggle with. I'm very laid back and carry a belief that i can't change people so they will do what they will do...

 

Time heals. I need a time machine.

 

Why me? hee hee

 

Oh after some digging I learned of several other affairs, the first starting after he moved in. I would read in an e-mail he sent to a friend that he loved me just would get bored and not my fault just how he is. Oh that made me feel sooo much better. groan!

Edited August 26, 2012 by chattykathy64

[sad puppy]

Well, to me, if you beat cancer with this annoying, cheating noose around your neck, moving forward, kicking his ass outta your life should be a piece of cake.

 

You sound feisty and spirited, that's fantastic! So happy you're dumping him, you'll be so much better off without him. Good luck to you, you've got the fighting spirit!

[chattykathy64]

Well, to me, if you beat cancer with this annoying, cheating noose around your neck, moving forward, kicking his ass outta your life should be a piece of cake.

 

You sound feisty and spirited, that's fantastic! So happy you're dumping him, you'll be so much better off without him. Good luck to you, you've got the fighting spirit!

Thank You sad puppy!

 

I spent most of my life on my own - a career gal and single mom. I did not marry until I was 42 - and that was a shock to most. It's wierd, I really enjoyed being married! Had anyone told me five years ago that he and I would be here I would have laughed and told then they were crazy! We got on like two pea's in a pod, RARELY argued and never a knock down drag out fight.

 

I did actually seek some therapy from the ordeal. The first two months I could not eat and if i did the stuff didnt stay put long. For the first time in my life I was having anxiety attacks and taking zoloft (off that now).

 

I learned one thing ...I am responsible for my own happiness.

[sad puppy]

Yes, you're taking a licking but keep on ticking! I've never married, I'm 51, been asked 4 times, so I can understand your point of view. Hmmm, ... well, best you kick his ass out now instead of five years from now. Sooner he's gone, the sooner you can march forward.

 

Glad you're off the anxiety meds, and yes, the hardest lesson to learn is that we are responsible for our own happiness, for our own paths, for our own lives. As a single woman, I'm glad I've never allowed my life to be defined by a man. I see women that can't go a day without one, I don't get it.

 

Your strength of spirit is really an excellent quality to have. You keep taking on these obstacles in your way and coming out a winner, very inspirational.

[chattykathy64]

Yes, you're taking a licking but keep on ticking! I've never married, I'm 51, been asked 4 times, so I can understand your point of view. Hmmm, ... well, best you kick his ass out now instead of five years from now. Sooner he's gone, the sooner you can march forward.

 

Glad you're off the anxiety meds, and yes, the hardest lesson to learn is that we are responsible for our own happiness, for our own paths, for our own lives. As a single woman, I'm glad I've never allowed my life to be defined by a man. I see women that can't go a day without one, I don't get it.

 

Your strength of spirit is really an excellent quality to have. You keep taking on these obstacles in your way and coming out a winner, very inspirational.

 

 

I really appreciate the conversation exchange from another strong woman. Sometimes being strong as a woman is a curse in the relationship area, at least it has always plagued me. Deep down I think he was jealous of me. I've always been an entrepreneur type, worked my own hours and worked my butt off. He hated his job and thought I had it easy working from home. HA! I tried to set him up business wise but he realized it was WORK. Blah Blah Blah.

 

I would have walked on hot coals for him, I'm loyal that way. Betray me as this one did and look out.

 

I'm just trying to get the divorce done with grace VS burning all the crap he still has here because boo hoo baby is working 60 hrs because I kicked his arse in court and was awarded support -so it is my fault he can't get a another job. Blech. I eschew excuses people make for the abyss they created.

 

My favorite moment that gets me through? When I finally showed him pages of his e-mails to his married g/f as proof of affair (he was denying). I looked at him and asked;"why, why sleep with both of us and lie. I offered you an out. Why would you choose to cause such pain?" His response' "to be honest I had not yet decided whom I wanted to be with" :eek:GOOD GRAVY.... REALLY? MEN! All I heard was five years of my life flushing down the toilet.

 

Thanks again for all your kind words.

[JD1977]

That is hardly a BooHoo story! More like I've been through a big load of crap that they could turn into a "Lifetime Channel" movie! I can't believe how unsupportive and unhelpful he was when you needed him! Most people wouldn't be that heartless to their biggest enemy!

 

But you are powering through really really well it seems! After all that no man will be able to being you down! And as far as feeling like an "idiot" for not seeing the affairs.... Of course most of the time we don't see them. We are supposed to be able to trust our spouses fully, we don't expect to have to Magnum PI their asses!

Ok...well there are good men out there, (apparently being screwed over by their wives, or so I have discovered here). And one day you will meet a nice gent who will love the kick ass chica you are!

 

If only there was a way to tatoo the bad seeds so you could just see it and keep on walking.

[2.50 a gallon]

ck64

 

Sorry to see you are here, but am glad you chose to share your story. Somehow it seems to help to find others in your shoes that you can talk to.

 

I would not be concerned that you have no desire to date, as the wounds are too fresh and as you allude to it will take time to heal. But trust me, as one who has been through this, you will heal

 

As for myself, although I quickly got back into the dating scene, I was determined to never be vulnerable and fall in love again. Like a beaver building a dam, daily I worked on never letting anybody get close again. Women were only good for FWB's, and just a hint that they might want to take the relationship deeper I was out of there. I was so skittish, that when I started to think about marriage with one gal, I packed up my stuff and moved a thousand miles back to my home town

 

For over a dozen years I worked on my walls, making them higher and stronger, and I was sure that I was immune to the falling in love virus.

 

Second date, first kiss, and I was in love. I suspect that cupid put some kind of pizzen on her lips, as I had never had a chance, my walls were gone.

 

That was coming up on 17 years ago, and to this day I couldn't be happier.

[Trimmer]

That is hardly a BooHoo story!

I agree. It could have been a sob story, but you took names and and kicked some ass. I wish I could offer something more substantial in the way of support, but honestly, all I can do is to sit back, admire you, and look at you as a source of inspiration.

[chattykathy64]

2.50

 

Happy to read you've moved on. I most certainly am stlll far to broken hearted to even consider. My best friend bailed on me, he even admitted in an e-mail (how tender) that he could not handle my syndrome and did not want to be a nurse (which is a joke, as I am able - not total cripple) he also said he did not want to be a widower by 50 (he's 42 now). GREAT so just break my heart and let me die alone?! AND..this is where i get angry...who does that? Just walk out and leave me to fend for myself as there are things I do need help with...and he took the freggin car. Time to stop questioning why.

 

As far as dating? As well meaning as everyone is, the grit reality is that it will be highly unlikely for me. Well dating, of course but finding a special someone? Highly unlikely. 1- I have a rare chronic progressive syndrome that is extremely painful. I can only be up and moving around for an hour tops anything more and I am in tears. Doc appts today and was up for 4 hrs, say hello to my little friend Opana. now COUGH - the stigma of taking pain medication scares men away. of course I must be a drug addict. NOT. 2- I am a breast cancer survivor. even if i find a gent willing to understand the syndrome he'll have to also accept me physically as my left gal is a bit smaller and no longer has radio dial. I know not all men are shallow...finding one that is not???? Bit of a task.

 

Now it is a sob story. :-)

[pteromom]

I don't think either of those are a reason you can't date.

 

Yes, it means the % of guys who would accept the chronic illness is less than ideal, but they are still out there. As are guys who don't care about a missing "radio dial".

 

It doesn't mean you give up. It just means you have to cast a wider net.

 

I think you can find someone.

 

And as other posters said, I admire your strength in being able to leave a toxic relationship behind when you were dealing with so much.

[shiftman]

Sometimes being strong as a woman is a curse in the relationship area, at least it has always plagued me. Deep down I think he was jealous of me. I've always been an entrepreneur type, worked my own hours and worked my butt off.

 

I can guarantee that this is not a universally adopted male mindset. I do think that there is a certain segment of the male population that want to be domineering and have a subserviant spouse. On the other hand, there are men out there who are comfortable with themselves and would have no problem whatsoever in having a confident and strong minded spouse.

[chattykathy64]

Thanks to all for the kind words.

 

Ho-Hum, perhaps someday that elusive feeling of being loved will find me. Until that day....stuff to be, people to do! <3

.

I'm not a hopeless romantic. I am a hopeful romantic.

[2.50 a gallon]

CK

 

Your story reminds me of something that I hadn't thought of in decades.

 

In high school, we had a neighbor kid down the street, who was a real odd ball, though friendly, he just wasn't into the normal things we teenagers were into. A lot of the in girls were interested in him, but he avoided them as he was too busy studying. And he was into animals. In his room he had snakes, turtles, fish. Find a stray dog, he would gladly take it and find its owner, or a new owner. Find a litter of kittens, same thing, he would take them in, and find homes for them. Find a baby bird out of its nest, he would take and raise it.

 

After graduation he took off to college to become a vet. Years later we heard that he had achieved his goal and was living out of state.

 

Maybe 10 to 15 years later, by chance one day while visiting my parents an out of state car showed up in front of his parents house. Sure enough it was him, and a couple of kids, so I walked down half way down to wave and say hey, as he went to the back of the car and took out a wheel chair. His wife, then hobbled on her crutches to the wheel chair. He had married a gal who had been the victim of polio. Knowing him, it made perfect sense.

[Scott68]

CK

You are awesome!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, going through all that with an ass-monkey husband screwing you over at every turn. You must be an amazing person. It's so his loss. As for finding someone else-please make sure you are ready for that. I have recently met a wonderful woman who while divorced longer than myself and despite her thinking she was ready is just not. The result is heaps of emotional pain for me (calling me by his name, referring to him as my st***e, bragging about how tall he is, etc...) and the ability to make me a human yo-yo for her.

You have been through a lot and someone will be lucky to be with you, just make sure you are ready-men will always be there.

[shiftman]

Thanks to all for the kind words.

 

Ho-Hum, perhaps someday that elusive feeling of being loved will find me. Until that day....stuff to be, people to do! <3

.

I'm not a hopeless romantic. I am a hopeful romantic.

 

In the mean time, we are always here for ya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!