Will I ever talk to her again?

[Chris908]

At the beginning of the summer we broke up after almost 6 months dating. The reason why was because we were going our separate ways to college. I didn't text her for 3 and a half weeks. We started talking again causally, which was good. Over the course of the month I told her I missed her and hope to see her before she leaves. She replied 4 days later and said my text made her so happy, whatever that means. After that we started talking more and more and would have conversations lasting all day. We then met up one more time and I thought well I might as well tell her how I feel. I wasn't expecting her to say anything back. I have little experience dating so I was nervous telling her how I felt about her because this was the first time I ever told a girl how I felt. She acted nervous too, but I believe I got my point across. Good thing was that we made out afterwards for awhile. Anyway since I was nervous telling her how I felt I texted her to clear up things that didn't seem clear. She never replied. I thought I messed up so I haven't contacted her for 3 and a half weeks. One thing that was interesting is that she deleted like 600 of her FB friends and I wasn't one of them, so I was happy for that and thought well maybe I do have a chance. All I want to do is talk to her causally again because I miss that. I understand I can't be with her while she's in college. So how long should I wait until I contact her again?

[Dblock10]

hey chris

 

so after 3 weeks who spoke to who first? seems like she does like you.. and you like her..

 

seems all you can do is just keep in touch, unless both of you really cant find a way to be together?

[Chris908]

I contacted her first after 3 weeks. I think I probably ruined me talking to her again because I told her how I felt before she left you know? What do you think? Thanks for the help.

[Dblock10]

I contacted her first after 3 weeks. I think I probably ruined me talking to her again because I told her how I felt before she left you know? What do you think? Thanks for the help.

 

i have been in similar situation, my ex left to see the world though. i also told her how i felt before she went but nothing changed.

 

i dont see how you would have ruined chances? you were being true to yourself, just as i was when i went to speak to mine.

[Chris908]

Ya I don't know how I messed up either. The only reason why I think I did was because I acted nervous telling her how I felt, but she was too while she was listening, and it ended well because we made out. She's the first girl I actually had a relationship with so I didn't have any dating experience prior. How long did you wait until you contacted your ex after she left to see the world?

[Dblock10]

oh i see, well don't worry about that mate..! she likes you for you, your not trying to be anything else.

 

Well i waited 8 weeks, then she was soon to go after that so i said goodbye she told me to have fun at college.

 

then it was a month after that until i reached out to say hello. basically once a month i would say hello, i was hoping she we initiate contact with me first but she never did, so i gave up. then a month and a half later with a few months of her returning she initiated the contact.

 

during the whole time she was away i was to scared to tell her about my feelings i still had, as ultimately nothing would change and could make me feel worse. during her time away i rebounded with 5 girls. i know she slept with two guys also.

 

then we finally met up a few months after she had been back, hooked up, made out all of that. told her my feelings, she felt the same. but she has left again and will be gone for a year and then who knows what or where she will be, or where or what i shall be doing.

 

sigh

Edited August 26, 2012 by Dblock10

[Chris908]

Oh I see. Man these are some tough times that we are going through. Do you think you'll ever get back with her again? It seems like she likes you too. Better than my situation at least lol.

[Dblock10]

you right about it being hard man! not sure if my situation is easier or better than yours though!

 

well this is the thing.. it seems the choice or options i have are to either stay in light contact again via fb for how long? who knows? till we meet, she gets a new bf?

 

or just let it be, accept what is what isn't and just move on, not talk and just try to move forward. after all she isn't here, she moved away. She told me she was happy being single when i brought 'us' up again, she told me she wasn't looking and even if she was she is in another country.. (not sure what that meant exactly)

 

she also mentioned how it was nice to see me but didn't change her mind in that it would want her for us to be back together.

 

after that i didn't talk to her, then 5 weeks later she asks how i am and what am i up to. i replied in kind and then she replied asking about my work etc, i decided to not reply to that. its been a few weeks now.

 

im hurt shes gone again, could be with another guy, or hooking up with who ever, who knows.. fact is i dont know anything.

 

she didnt want to be with me or make plans for the future incase it doesnt work out. so yeah man, guess sometimes you have to know when to walk away for your own sanity?

 

sorry for lengthy reply and that its about me!.

[Chris908]

Wow that's a tough situation man. I think she may be confused on how she feels about the both of you. I know from my little experience of dating is that some women overreact about certain things like when a guy tells them how they feel especially if the guy was with her for awhile. I think if you still like her maybe once a month contact won't hurt just to see what she is up to. At least she is texting you first sometimes, but I guess sometimes it is best to move on, but I wouldn't lost hope though.

 

 

One last question for me to you is: Why would she kiss me back when I told her how I felt about her? That's one thing that confuses me everyday! It really confuses me because she hasn't tried to contact me for almost a month.

[Dblock10]

yeah man tough is an understatement, yeah she could well be, but telling me she is happy being single.. pretty sure that sums it up?! but then she did say she has feelings to me in person before she left. so..

 

well i think i still like her yes, but there is nothing to be gained now she moved away and thats not physically going to change, she wont come back and we cant have a relationship. i cant be her friend in all honesty because what if she gets a new bf, or for all i know already has one?

 

yeah its good to have her contact me first, no doubt, it never used to be that way. but hearing what she is up to is only going to bring up emotions or jealousy for me because when she first got there, she went on a meal with a so called friend and i mean how do i know they are just friends, see what i mean. it feeds the imagination.

 

so yeah i dont know how to proceed in all honesty. you think i shouldnt lose hope?

 

im thinking more > For a relationship to work you need the right person at the right time. You can't hang on to someone and hope that the right time will come along. This is a certain recipe for an unhealthy attachment.

 

If she is the right woman but it's not the right time then let her go. You never know, she might come back to you. I have a mate who dated a girl at high school. They went their seperate ways and he had a daughter with another woman. Ten years later he randomly runs into her in Australia. Now they are married. Right person, wrong time. A decade down the track right person, right time.

 

But it wouldn't have happened if he had been pining for her for 10 years. So get over your ex and just see what happens.

 

what kind of kiss? on the cheek or lips? etc, that to me, would mean she likes you orr, she just felt like it, thing with girls is that they dont tend to think, they just do.

 

she could have kissed you because she just wanted to.

 

or maybe she thought aww thats so nice, x

 

see what i mean

[Chris908]

Well the good thing is that she said she had feelings for you. Did you actually elaborate on her feelings to you though? And I think I agree with you when you said that she said she's happy being single. To me that's saying that she doesn't want to be with you. It's not a sure thing, but it's a possibility. We humans are the worst communicators especially when it comes to feelings. It's a shame we make monkeys look good (in terms of communication)

 

It's hard to think not think about your ex and who they are dating or doing. It makes me angry when I think of mine and this is the first time this has happened to me because she's the first girl I've dated. Now I feel what other people feel when they have an ex it's insane.

 

Hmm I don't think I would lose hope. It depends what you mean by losing hope. Losing hope as in never contacting her again or contacting her but on a rare basis? It's a very touchy thing.

 

I'm still friends with my ex on FB but it sucks knowing she is having way more fun without me and I can't do nothing about it. Oh by the way we made out and it was on the lips of course lol, but ya she could of done just because she wasn't thinking like you said or just for the thrill. Maybe she likes me, but I won't know for awhile. I've been able to do the no contact for almost a month now and I don't plan on talking to her for another 2 weeks, might be longer depending on how I feel.

[Dblock10]

basically i think she said she has feelings but for her nothing has changed. i asked what she meant she said as in changed for her to want to be together again.

 

she doesn't want a relationship and isn't looking right now. adding even if she was she is in another country.

 

so yeah iv'e got the answers so to speak. just hurts knowing we still have chemistry yet its not enough for her. maybe not right now at least. but then i can't waste my life pinning holding on to something that ultimately has no guarantee. if she can let go of me and not care if we ever meet again, then i have to do the same.

 

 

yeah and thats the other thing, i'm bored to heck at home i have kind of isolated myself just waiting for college to start again really. and so if i stayed in touch what would it achieve? that time she went out to dinner with the guy i dont even know, she turned down our time to chat. so basically i'd be slotted around her busy life. dunno just doesnt seem worth it.

 

 

yeah i think she likes you but she is doing that girl thing where they dont talk to you so they get used to you not being around.

[Chris908]

Ya I think there is something for you in the future. The only good thing you should like is that she contacts you. I would just keep it causal if you can handle her being away and meeting other guys. If not its ok to walk away. So dont be afraid to do so.

 

My mom got in a car accident this morning and I'm glad she's ok. I posted this on Facebook to let my friends know what was going on and then out of nowhere my ex contacted me saying she will pray for her. My mom told me to tell her thank you, but I don't if I should or not. What do you think?

[Dblock10]

ahh don't say that! but she has said she doesn't make plans nor wants to make plans incase they don't work out. so yeah i could stay in contact keep it casual but then what happens when she dates or gets a new bf potentially? it seems like it would be dragging out unneeded pain. or id be put into friend zone.

 

i think if we met in the future and she was ready to settle or what ever then yeah something could be there between us i dont think our chemistry natural will ever die. but no one knows the future and what i do know is that right now it wasn't meant to be for now. so yeah, do i continue to talk casually now and again for what could be up to a year or more.. or move on and let fate do its thing

 

like last time, she went away an slept with other guys, do i really want to put up with that or get jealous of her doing things with other guys that i don't know of? just doesn't seem feasible to me.

 

this is the catch 22 i am in, i do want to let go and move on, but of course i don't because yes i would like her to be in my future. maybe talk to her? i dont know.

 

sorry to hear about your mom in that accident thats bad! glad she is ok!

 

i think its nice the ex said that, and if i were you i would break nc and say something in reply thanking her for the nice comment.

[Chris908]

Hmm well I'm 20 years old by the way. To be honest with the way I would handle it would be to talk to her casually on a friendly level. I say this because you don't want to fall into the friend zone. You have to rebuild that friendly conversation up to a point where she enjoys talking to you. At this point if she gets a bf, would have to except that you two are friendly to each other. This may cause problems in her relationship and make the guy jealous and then she will have to choose. Hopefully she chooses you.

 

That's what I plan on doing in my situation. Because before she left we would from morning till night because I know how to make her laugh and I have a good connection with her that also helped. Sometimes she would even start flirting with me and then she would stop. That's how I knew I was pulling her back in, but never forced it. It's hard to do it now of course because she's in college, but she says she wants to hang out in the winter when she gets back (She told me this the day I told her how I felt) I guess in my case I care more about talking to her than being with her even though I'm lying lol. I really do enjoy her company.

 

Thanks for your concern towards my mom and she's doing ok.

 

About my ex giving her concern about my mom, I just thanked everyone who commented on my status. So in a way I did thank her, she even liked the comment when I thanked everyone. So I felt like I didn't need to go any further. I'm still going to wait 2 more weeks though (total of 6 weeks) because I don't want us to start talking again because of what happened you know?

[Dblock10]

hmm its a tough one, i dunno mate, i think you have to be true to yourself in terms of intentions and expectations.

 

If i spoke to her casually like i did before sure, could probably avoid the friend zone, and i know she enjoy's talking to me, (when we met she said she missed talking to me the most) and i do enjoy hearing from her sure, but i wont lie, hearing about all the fun she is having or when she does things even like going to the cinema, well thats kool but i cant ultimately be with her doing those things and she will be going out getting drunk getting hit on etc.

 

so deep down the reason id want to continue talking to her is because i would want to be with her now and in the future, therefore my expectations of talking to her would be because would want her to want me. but thats just not going to happen now quite clearly after everything said and done.

 

Therefore my intentions for continuing to chat would be not true to myself and only i can stand to lose or feel more disappointment when she doesn't respond the way id hope or like. she would feel we were just staying in touch because we are friendly or just still in touch and she would be extra happy, gets to sleep with who ever and still has me to chat to when she feels like it, were as id want it to be more. plus i am a jealous guy so hearing she is doing x y and z just wont help me, lead to more stress. i'm an all or nothing guy, if you want to be with someone, be with them, if you don't, don't.

 

Talking to her if she had a new bf wouldn't cause issues for her or him, it would just hurt me. The ex before i became her bf, contacted her when he knew she was with me, did that stop her choosing me over him? no. but sure that is a different guy and they fell out on bad terms and cheating etc.

 

i dont think ive ever stayed in touch with an ex when it ends, not unless i still want something from them, or have completely moved on and they may have spoke to me. when they get a new bf etc for me thats when its totally done. after that there is nothing to be had.

 

so its up to you if you choose to play that role. i did it for nearly a year and yeah it felt great to see her again but what has it changed now? nothing, she isn't here, she isn't with me nor does she want to be.

 

so its up to you if you decide you will just "always be there" for her, but would she do the same for you?

 

every situation i understand is different but thats my opinion

 

its funny how you handled that situation about the thank you, my ex also did a similar thing and i to thanked everyone at large.

Edited August 28, 2012 by Dblock10

[Chris908]

Hmm well I guess like you said, we have different situations. Um, like in my case we had a mutual break up so it wasn't bad at all. So I guess that's why I would like to continue talking to her while she's in college. She did tell me will have something in the future, but I don't believe stuff like that, because you just never know. Plus I like talking to her though. Yes I do still have feelings for her, but I understand the situation that we won't be together long distance. I accepted that and still want to talk to her. Now if she gets a boyfriend then idk how I'll react to that, but so far no one is gaining her interest. I think if she stays single throughout this semester and comes back I think she might realize that she feels the same way mainly because I connected with her on such a high level that no past bf of hers ever did. We were so comfortable with each other.

 

In your situation you may be right about not being true to yourself by talking to her being friendly, but wanting to be more than that. I think it really takes strength and love to rather walk away or stay. I say this because you may love or like her so much that you can't stand the fact talking to her and nothing coming out of it, so at that point you just want to leave. As on the other hand you may want to stay and talk because you care about her and you like her a lot. This is a very hard decision to do because do many possibilities can come out of either situation. My advice would be just go with your gut and your heart. I mean if you feel like talking to her is pointless then leave, if not, stay.

 

It sucks how fast women can move on from an ex. It kind of seems some of the times they have the power to do that emotionally. And for men it just makes us jealous if you liked her a lot. There is always so manu guys that orbit around women it's ridicolous regardless of their intention. Women will always get attention anytime most of the time. Plus the they have power over sex. So I understand you when you say that, oh she can get with any guy while I'm just sitting here. Or you wonder who's the next she's going to sleep with. It really sucks, but we can do anything about it, that's why we have to play it off cool or you'll just end up pushing the ones we like further way..,

[Dblock10]

In your situation you may be right about not being true to yourself by talking to her being friendly, but wanting to be more than that. I think it really takes strength and love to rather walk away or stay. I say this because you may love or like her so much that you can't stand the fact talking to her and nothing coming out of it, so at that point you just want to leave. As on the other hand you may want to stay and talk because you care about her and you like her a lot. This is a very hard decision to do because do many possibilities can come out of either situation. My advice would be just go with your gut and your heart. I mean if you feel like talking to her is pointless then leave, if not, stay.

 

takes strength and love to rather walk away or stay? you mean rather than stay?

 

unlike what your ex said to you my ex said she didn't want to make plans incase they don't work out so she cant be to blame. yeah i want to not be distant and yeah id like to think if i stayed in touch she wouldnt get a new bf, but would that really stop her? how do you know no one is gaining her interest in your ex? what would you do if she got a new bf?

 

maybe i should stay in touch and cross that bridge if it happens. she did tell me she wasnt after anything right now. but she also said even if she was she is on the other side of the world :s

 

she is happy being single, going out drinking having fun so why wouldnt guys hit on her, and if she fancys one of them then she isnt going to stop and think twice, she is single and can do what she likes. i dont have a say in what she can and cant do. so im powerless.

 

all i can do is be upset, unhappy and jealous. not ideal.

 

she knows i care and like her a lot but that isnt going to stop her sleeping with other guys just like when she travelled the first time.

 

so yeah im trying to go with logic and rational thinking over emotions.

 

not sure what to do if im honest. so far ive been trying to just put it behind me.

[Chris908]

Ya that's what I meant.

 

 

Well ya talking to her is not going to stop her from going out and doing the things she wants to do. The whole point of staying in contact is to keep it fresh in terms of how she's been, what's new, and she could learn stuff about you also. Because overtime people change. I'm just saying don't talk to her on a normal basis. Just pop every couple weeks or month just to see what's she been up to and have a normal conversation. That's my plan. I already know I can't do anything about who she meets or whatever so that's why I'm staying optimistic.

 

 

 

You're right, I don't know who is gaining her interest. But I can't really worry about her talking to other guys. Because I just have to accept that it's going to happen and I can't do anything about it. All it'll make me do is be stressful and I don't want to be. If she got a bf then I would hurt of course, but I wouldn't let her know how I feel about it. I would just continue to have that normal convo filled with joys and laughs.

 

 

You're right about staying logical and not emotional, but at the same time that's hard too, so I wouldn't blame you if you stopped talking to your ex. I just think if you build great level of understanding and communication (try not to fall in the friend zone) then it has to benefit you some how or some way in the future. I'm not saying it will work, I'm saying that it doesn't hurt to try.

 

 

I will try to stay in contact with my ex and if it works then it works. If it doesn't then I'll know. But like I said I'm not trying to get back with her because I understand that I can't at this time. So that's why I'm taking the apporach of staying in contact because I enjoy talking to her.

 

 

My ex is coming back home this weekend, since labor day is coming up. I think I will break No contact because I think this is the best time to reach out to her since she is back home and away from college. What do you think about this? Do you think I should do it, just considerding the circumstances? (it's already been a month of no contact)

[Dblock10]

thats right you have to let it go.

 

i dont know about holding on though, it just leads to an unhealthy attachment and disappointment. best thing is to let go and then just see what happens. you cant waste your life pining over a girl who doesn't want what you would like, or hope for.

 

im an all or nothing type of guy, i think if someone wants to be with you they will, she could have stayed in this country but she chose not to, that wasn't my decision.

 

so yeah i think your situation is different to mine plus different girls and your head and heart is in a different place to mine, its been tarnished by certain things. i think you have to do what ever you can to protect your own feelings tbh my 2 cents.

 

i think your in slight denial when you say You're right, I don't know who is gaining her interest. But I can't really worry about her talking to other guys. Because I just have to accept that it's going to happen and I can't do anything about it. All it'll make me do is be stressful and I don't want to be. If she got a bf then I would hurt of course, but I wouldn't let her know how I feel about it. I would just continue to have that normal convo filled with joys and laughs.

 

i mean yeah you can accept its going to happen, but it will eat at you bit by bit. plus the conversations wouldn't be totally filled with joys and laughs when she tells you how much she likes the new guy, just seems you want to hang onto this girl with everything you have got and i think it will end up only hurting you whilst she thinks oh great he is just being a nice friend. but each to there own mate. your'll learn one way or the other.

 

You're right about staying logical and not emotional, but at the same time that's hard too, so I wouldn't blame you if you stopped talking to your ex. I just think if you build great level of understanding and communication (try not to fall in the friend zone) then it has to benefit you some how or some way in the future. I'm not saying it will work, I'm saying that it doesn't hurt to try.

its all i can do though. again i didn't chose this. and her words saying how "its been over a year now", just shows how for her "its been long since over" there is no emotion there in it for her, and if there is, she is still doing what she is doing regardless of how i feel.

 

i think fate is real, what will be will be, it will just take over your life if you think for one second you actually have any power over how someone else basis there own decisions. you just have to accept that Humans are not static creatures. Our personalities and paths in life are always in a state of flux, moving in different directions.

 

A healthy relationship allows for this and the two people let the other grow. If your paths grow in a similar direction and you can feasibly maintain a relationship then that is great. But sometimes people grow in different directions. Even if they are well suited to each other the relationship might not be practical based on where each other is going.

 

If you understand this then you know that you have to be true to yourself and follow your own path in life. If a partner comes and goes then so be it. That is the nature of things.

 

I will try to stay in contact with my ex and if it works then it works. If it doesn't then I'll know. But like I said I'm not trying to get back with her because I understand that I can't at this time. So that's why I'm taking the apporach of staying in contact because I enjoy talking to her.

 

by all means its your choice, i'm sure it will work, girls never have a problem with just being friends and in fact some people just like knowing that there ex still likes them. it feels good it boosts the ego, everyone loves to feel wanted. it just depends how it makes you feel. for me i want her to want me and for us to be together but i know that isnt going to happen, it cant happen. sure maybe way into the future but i cant cling on in hope for what could be years!

My ex is coming back home this weekend, since labor day is coming up. I think I will break No contact because I think this is the best time to reach out to her since she is back home and away from college. What do you think about this? Do you think I should do it, just considerding the circumstances? (it's already been a month of no contact)

 

i remember being in a similar situation as you last year, people told me the cold hard truth and i choose to do my own thing, believed i was different, but im not and the ex didn't stick around when she came back, people were right, people move forward rarely go backwards. you need to do what ever makes you happy.

 

so yes i would recommend talking to her when she is back see how it goes, just dont become an object she can fall back on all the time and pick you up and drop you just as easily.