Lost

[SS1975]

My wife and I dated on and off for four years after which we have been married for the last fifteen years. We have three beautiful children in their teens. About seven years ago we where at our wits end with each other and I ended up relying emotionally on another woman, actually our neighbor. While there was no sex involved there were some emotions shared which in my book, and my wife's book, is the same if not worse. I understand what I did was wrong and I have apologized numerous times over the past seven years. She says I only tell her half the story and she has to pry information from me. I am working on that as I am a little guilty of that as well. Just this past week we separated because she says that her nagging and general disposition has got to the point were she can not take it any more and though I thought we were passed this she says that she still does not trust me and doesn't know if she ever can. We both agree that we still very much love each other but she says that she doesn't think love is enough. She says she needs to do this for her because she can not make us happy if she is not happy. I understand where she is coming from and I can see her point but that does not help my plight. I was wondering if there was a magic time to give her or do I just put my life on hold and see what happens.

[shiftman]

I too engaged in an emotional affair and it had a signifiant impact on me. Oddly enough, I did not even realize that I was engaged in one. In fact, the other party had to tell me that such a catagory existed and that we were actually in one. Talk about being "dense".

 

As for time, you need to start thinking about taking care of you. Your spouse will either be able to forgive you or she won't, but you cannot allow yourself to deteriorate in the interim.

[Tallblueyed]

She says I only tell her half the story and she has to pry information from me. I am working on that as I am a little guilty of that as well.

 

I thought we were passed this she says that she still does not trust me and doesn't know if she ever can.

If she is still 'prying information' from you, and you're 'a little guilty' of still trickling or holding back information then you have not purged the poison out of your relationship.

 

My STBXWS had cheated on me 10 years ago. There wasn't a day that passed that I didn't think about it in one fashion or another. Back then we thought we dealt with it - we didn't. We swept it under the rug and I carried it with me ever since.

 

This last year she cheated again, which is why we are divorcing. However, it should be noted that *if* she had any chance of reconciliation (which she wants) the first thing she would need to do is be open and 110% honest about everything...and I mean everything. Without this honesty the door knob to the door of reconciliation doesn't even get touched.

 

Unfortunately for me, she is unwilling to face the truth of her actions and come clean - and there are events that I know about that she refuses to tell me (I haven't told her I know some specifics to other things she has done). Don't make the same mistake as her - I really wish that she cared enough about me and our 14 year relationship to at seek out advice from other BS's and be open and honest.

 

At this point it might be too late; but you owe it to yourself, to her, and to your relationship to be completely transparent about everything. But first you need to find out if she even wants to hear it - she may not be ready to talk (don't force it on her just because you are ready to tell her).

 

And make sure you have intel that she doesn't know about - my STBX made a catastrophic mistake of telling me she "wanted to come clean about everything" and then when we sat down she chickened out and reverted back to the same story and same details that we had already gone over. That sent me into a rage (internally). I switched from going for a legal separation to full D based solely on that failure to "come clean".

 

Good luck, keep us posted.

 

I can't tell you enough, you do not get to solely own the details - she is entitled to have the same big picture as you. Read this: Letter to Wayward Spouse

[SS1975]

Its just really hard is all some days I see her and she is loving and hugs me but other days she is cold and will only talk about the kids of just some small talk. I have opened up everything to her gave her all the details. I am currently going to MC alone to fix myself. I made a pledge to her to be 100% transparent and gave her my passwords to all email and phone accounts. I have asked a couple of times for us to go to counseling together to see if we can fix this. She says the same thing "I just need time to find me". I just want my best friend, lover, and mother of my children to see I would do anything to build a better future. So I guess Ill just have to sit here and take in on the chin until she wants to try again or we become a statistic. I do love her enough to let her go no matter how much it hurts me. Thanks all of you for letting me vent and giving some much needed advice in what is definitely my darkest time.

[chattykathy64]

A womans view.

 

My husband was not there for me emotionally while I battled cancer and he turned to a sexual relationship as I was unable to meet his needs there. I forgave him as I chucked the affair up to his poor coping skills and I knew it was just sex. I consider myself to be a very laid back female, generally a forgive and forget person..onward. I can tell ya, I never forgot and it was not the sexual contact that bothered me, it was the lack of emotional support while I battled cancer.

 

I personally (and this may be very generalized) but I think women as the nurturers view emotional disconnect as a huge betrayal. I was very open to my husband about my feelings cuz that is what we chicks do. I struggled not to think the worst anytime he was late coming home, did not respond to a call or said he was working OT. When trust is gone...there is not much left.

 

You need to move on with your life and live it for you not for what yo can do to win her back. Life is 10% of what happens and 90% of how we react to what happens. You cannot change people perceptions of you, no matter how hard you try. People's perceptions of you are most likely not your reality. You cannot and should not live in her perceptions. Life moves forward.

 

Best Wishes

[todreaminblue]

My wife and I dated on and off for four years after which we have been married for the last fifteen years. We have three beautiful children in their teens. About seven years ago we where at our wits end with each other and I ended up relying emotionally on another woman, actually our neighbor. While there was no sex involved there were some emotions shared which in my book, and my wife's book, is the same if not worse. I understand what I did was wrong and I have apologized numerous times over the past seven years. She says I only tell her half the story and she has to pry information from me. I am working on that as I am a little guilty of that as well. Just this past week we separated because she says that her nagging and general disposition has got to the point were she can not take it any more and though I thought we were passed this she says that she still does not trust me and doesn't know if she ever can. We both agree that we still very much love each other but she says that she doesn't think love is enough. She says she needs to do this for her because she can not make us happy if she is not happy. I understand where she is coming from and I can see her point but that does not help my plight. I was wondering if there was a magic time to give her or do I just put my life on hold and see what happens.

 

 

Let her go somethings are not meant to be gotten over and even when you think everything is alright it will never be the same it will just be buried to come out another time.Staying in a relationship because of those children will not be a happy family .Listen to your ex.She is telling you the truth dotn go back.Move forward with your life.I contemplated returnign to my ex because fo my girls and because i felt i could live in unhappiness as long as my girls were happy......you want to know the funny thing, my girls didnt want me to go back they want me to be happy then they are happy.....Be happy let your wife be happy let your children be happy....dont live your life with regret in your everyday........good luck with whatever you decide to do.... i feel for you....its over in my opinion for you and your ex.She let you know.......here a hug from me to you.......go find your blue sky and be there for your children you can still be a great and awesome dad you always will be a father.....deb

Edited August 26, 2012 by todreaminblue

[brand564]

I too have almost the exact same story. I still love my wife very much but she does not have same feelings like that anymore and it has been really difficult to process. I still think , dream and Im at my wits end trying to figure out how to either move on or just somehow try to talk to her. I honeslty can tell you do not wait. I did that and got almost screwed because I thought we were working on us again and she was talking to a lawyer behind me to divorce and I put so much strength into recoverying. Now I feel dead inside and cannot move on. Honestly its hard to judge this kinda thing to see if it will work or not. Not many people can make it work again.

 

My wife and I dated on and off for four years after which we have been married for the last fifteen years. We have three beautiful children in their teens. About seven years ago we where at our wits end with each other and I ended up relying emotionally on another woman, actually our neighbor. While there was no sex involved there were some emotions shared which in my book, and my wife's book, is the same if not worse. I understand what I did was wrong and I have apologized numerous times over the past seven years. She says I only tell her half the story and she has to pry information from me. I am working on that as I am a little guilty of that as well. Just this past week we separated because she says that her nagging and general disposition has got to the point were she can not take it any more and though I thought we were passed this she says that she still does not trust me and doesn't know if she ever can. We both agree that we still very much love each other but she says that she doesn't think love is enough. She says she needs to do this for her because she can not make us happy if she is not happy. I understand where she is coming from and I can see her point but that does not help my plight. I was wondering if there was a magic time to give her or do I just put my life on hold and see what happens.

[SS1975]

There has been a wide variety of advice given and I thank all of you for being my sounding board in this time of need. Tonight I offered to pick up some household item for her so she did not have to go out in the rain as I know she was out late last night with her girlfriends from work for a birthday party. I did this as a good will token and I was going back to the house to see the kids and give them their laptop I had finished fixing. Upon being there the kids were busy cleaning so my wife and I had a good conversation, not about us or the problems we are having but just about how our day was and what she and I had done the night before. I did not pry or try to pump her for information just listened and responded. Later I as she said she was going to start diner for the kids I asked if I should go ahead and leave then. She said no stay for dinner. It was really nice as well all sat in our usual spots and it was actually really nice. After dinner while the kids were clearing the table she said that she was going to take a shower so again, thinking that was my hint to go ahead and go back to my buddies house where I am staying, I said well I guess I'll be going then to which she responded that no I could stay a little longer. I declined the offer and she gave me a warm and lasting hug. Instinctively I leaned in to give her a slight kiss as that is what we have done for the last 18 yrs and she pulled away and said no. I explained that I didn't mean to do it and that it was a force of habit. I immediately left. about and hour after I left she sends me a pic of her and my daughter doing their hair. So what am I supposed to make of this. After my first post I immediately asked the question of "I need to know if this separation is means to see if the marriage can be saved or a way to end it" which she replied "I just need some time please. I have to do this for me. I cant continue the way I was I am lost and I need to figure it out for myself so I can be better". So I guess or at least I see that I am getting mixed messages. What should I do. Should I just stick to the original agreement and if she asks me to do something or to stay longer or whatever just say no that is not what we talked about or continue do what I am doing and just make myself available to her when she needs me. I guess it bad either way cause If I reject her, or what she precises as rejection, now in this fragile time I might as well go file myself. In the same sense I do not know how much longer I can go with the whole back and forth thing either. So confused right now.

[SS1975]

for todreaminblue, we have always said neither of us would stay in the marriage "for the kids" because all u end up doing is hurting the kids in the end. The fix or the thing I want to resolve is the love we still have for each other.

[Tallblueyed]

Upon being there the kids were busy cleaning so my wife and I had a good conversation, not about us or the problems we are having but just about how our day was and what she and I had done the night before. I did not pry or try to pump her for information just listened and responded. Later I as she said she was going to start diner for the kids I asked if I should go ahead and leave then. She said no stay for dinner. It was really nice as well all sat in our usual spots and it was actually really nice. After dinner while the kids were clearing the table she said that she was going to take a shower so again, thinking that was my hint to go ahead and go back to my buddies house where I am staying, I said well I guess I'll be going then to which she responded that no I could stay a little longer. I declined the offer and she gave me a warm and lasting hug. Instinctively I leaned in to give her a slight kiss as that is what we have done for the last 18 yrs and she pulled away and said no. I explained that I didn't mean to do it and that it was a force of habit. I immediately left. about and hour after I left she sends me a pic of her and my daughter doing their hair.

 

Sounds like you can mark, "Good Day" on the calendar.

 

Don't rush or read more into it. She needs to know (and feel) that she is in complete control right now - her terms, her conditions. If she gives you and inch, be grateful for the inch - don't strive for a foot.

 

Maintain and honor the agreements you made. She is allowed to 'break' the agreements, you follow her lead in all things outside of them. Giving her that level of control will make her feel safe and secure.

 

If she gives you an inch every two weeks, you will eventually get a foot. Be patient, you had a very good day; don't do something that will jeopardize another one down the road.

Edited August 27, 2012 by Tallblueyed

[SS1975]

Thank you tallblueyed that help put things in a more positive light and makes good sense. I guess I should be elated that it is moving in any positive direction instead of the other way. Thanks.

[UWWYellowbaby]

I think you are saying/feeling the right thing. She needs to see this post. Seriously. You are admitting you were wrong, that you still need work but you love her. There is nothing else you can say that would make this a better scenario than to work. Good luck.

[SS1975]

Yes I am trying I just hope I don't loose her in the meantime. I have been to MC by myself for the last week or so and it is helping me realize that I do have things to work on and I can not control what she does so I should just focus inward to be the best person I can be. It is getting a little easier day by day and talking with you all has helped tremendously. I want to thank everyone on here that has given me advice. It is my turn at the house tonight so I get to spend all night with my kids YEAH. We split the house three days a week and every other weekend right now.

[SS1975]

I would like to get everyone's opinion on something. Ok here goes. We split the house, the bank account, and the kids. Our separation is informal for now. Should I get a legal separation to protect myself or just leave it as is.

The only stipulations to our separation is that no opposite gender people are allowed at the house even if it is just a friend. But we are allowed to see other people but no sexual contact is allowed. We can come over for dinner or visits with the children or each other as long as both agree on our opposite nights.

[Tallblueyed]

Should I get a legal separation to protect myself or just leave it as is.

Since you are not "for" the separation, I wouldn't make it legal, IMHO. Let her be the driver for such a formality.

 

UNLESS she is going to put you at risk financially, then do it.

[SS1975]

What's IMHO?

[JD1977]

IMHO... In my honest opinion (I think)

All these abbreviations threw me in the beginning.

On the main page, you can go to FAQ and there is a list of them, most of them.

[SS1975]

What is IMHO mean

[2sunny]

So the agreement allows you and your wife to date others while not having kid time? As long as no sex?

 

Sounds like you've agreed to an open marriage.

 

I'd want to find out who the wife is seeing when she's on her own... Where does she stay when it's her off week?

 

My gut says your W is intending to date someone. Have you checked?

[SS1975]

Yes, there is a guy that she has been talking to about her problems and yes I am fearful that he will take advantage of the situation as he is married himself. The guy is a know womanizer that never leaves his wife and I fear that she is either enacting some payback for what I have done or she is hoping he will divorce his wife either way I am on the back burner and I am unsure if I am OK with that. Scratch that I am extremely bothered by this but do I chase her away with an ultimatum or bide my time and ride this out to whatever the ending is to know I did all I could. She states that nothing has happened nor will happen with this guy as he is married but I do know that she goes out on occasion in a group setting with people she works with and he is there sometimes.