marilla Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 hello all and thanks for reading. I am not dating right now and haven't for some time. But i am going back and thinking about situations and i believe i have a problem telling people' character and i get into messes. So how does one know the other person's character? 1) no-one is good all the time and no-one is bad all the time. So how can we know? 2) people act differently under different circumstances. So under circumstance A he could hurt you really badly and under circumstance B be really wonderful. So again how can we know? 3) How can you tell if someone has compassion? To me this is an important quality. How can you tell? So how do you decide if a person is worth to keep on dating? how long does it take you to figure them out? are there any clues? And does it ever work-i mean if you could really see character then why do people get in painful relationships and break-ups and even divorce? Please help me understand! Especially number 2) it is killing me as i met someone recently who treated me badly a few times but he was wonderful at other times. And those few times he was bad i keep on thinking it was circumstances and my own small faults or was it him? So people share your wisdom in an attempt to help someone like me-sometimes i feel i have just began to learn! thank you in advance.
TaraMaiden Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 One way I once heard was to, over a period of time, evaluate his attitude when dealing with people 'under him'. At work (what kind of a boss, is he?) At a restaurant (how does he address and talk to waiting staff?) In 'every-day' situations (his attitude towards porters at a station/airport, street-cleaners, tramps & beggars). Observe closely. Despots and Guardian Angels (and everyone in between) give themselves away by their attitude to others.... 1
Titanwolf Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 For me, I track consistency. How they respond in different types situations (One that evokes jealousy, anger, lust etc). However, the most reliable way to see one's true nature, would most likely be to put them in a life or death situation lol. Or perhaps, fall down on hard luck (lost home, no food, no money etc) and see how they respond. That's where the phrase "In times of need, you realize who your true friends are" comes from. 3
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 Look for a balance in their behavior, don't just fall for it because they are being open, honest and kind in one aspect. Look for the negatives and positives instead of just getting all giddy over a facade or a mans best foot forward. Read between the lines instead of taking everything at face value and believing everything a man says as truth. In fact let 50 percent of it run through your ears, look for consistency in actions that match words, just don't fall for words. Concentrate on the big things, not letting the minor add up and overwhelm the real issues. Take the first month of a mans behavior as the good qualities being pressed forward and the negatives are in the back. Most women think way too quickly that a man is amazing based on how they were in the beginning...when the true man comes out over time. If you jump on how a man makes you feel and just chemistry of the beginning puppy phase you'll end up with a lot of manipulating men trying to push hard to get you emotionally invested, where you are then blind and unable to see the reality. Have confidence in yourself and learn to take the advice of your instincts. If you just simply rely on men to show all his cards you'll always be surprised, see the behavior of a man and pick up on the little queues that are telling you something is off, then attack those points with clever questions. And most importantly, don't let your emotions get the best of you and get into a situation or circumstance you know you won't be happy with. Most women are their worst enemy and the reason why they get in these messes, they aren't stupid and unable to see what's going on, they just think things will change...see the reality, not the fantasy. 2
Author marilla Posted August 26, 2012 Author Posted August 26, 2012 Thank you guys. Taramaiden i agree with you totally. Titanwolf i liked what you said about consistency. If i get you right then someone should be conistently nice to allow him to be in our lives and get to know him or her better. is that what you mean? But what i liked above all was your comment on seeing someone's character in the bad times. I mean we are all good when things are easy. So let's see how good one is under a temptation such as lust or during pressure or very bad luck. Good points.
Author marilla Posted August 26, 2012 Author Posted August 26, 2012 Have confidence in yourself and learn to take the advice of your instincts. thank you ninjainpajamas! Well i have a problem with the gut thing. Mine is not working properly. I have listened to my instincts some times and i have really screwed up. And there are other times that i hear this little voice inside me about situations driving me mad about staying far away. But i don't trust that voice as it led me in bad roads as well. I wish i knew how to listen to my gut and how you people do it! Thanks for your answer.
RedRobin Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 (edited) Have confidence in yourself and learn to take the advice of your instincts. thank you ninjainpajamas! Well i have a problem with the gut thing. Mine is not working properly. I have listened to my instincts some times and i have really screwed up. And there are other times that i hear this little voice inside me about situations driving me mad about staying far away. But i don't trust that voice as it led me in bad roads as well. I wish i knew how to listen to my gut and how you people do it! Thanks for your answer. I had (or am having) a similar crisis of confidence. I made a bad choice for a husband years ago... and it really made me question my ability to judge people's character. To make matters worse, I poured all of my energy into him and to work... so my relationships with friends/family had grown distant. I had nothing to compare to or reference... So in many ways, I was starting from 'scratch'. All I can say, is that you WILL get better at it. To help develop your confidence, think about situations you've had with friends, relatives, and co-workers... where you have exercised good judgement. How did it feel? What kind of questions did you ask them when you were getting to know them? If you are capable of developing relationships with people of good character in your platonic and work relationships... there is every reason you can develop this in your romantic relationships too. That is what I've done. I also have managed to develop close friendships with people who I feel are excellent judges of character... they help me out alot. I observe them and see how they go about things... and the questions they ask... and their filtering process. I think the biggest thing... #1... is to avoid the guys pressuring you for quick decisions (especially sex)... or try to put you in situations where they can manipulate you in some way. They are like the used-car salesmen who need to make a deal before you leave the lot. That is usually my cue to exit. Edited August 26, 2012 by RedRobin 3
Titanwolf Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 I had (or am having) a similar crisis of confidence. I made a bad choice for a husband years ago... and it really made me question my ability to judge people's character. To make matters worse, I poured all of my energy into him and to work... so my relationships with friends/family had grown distant. I had nothing to compare to or reference... So in many ways, I was starting from 'scratch'. All I can say, is that you WILL get better at it. To help develop your confidence, think about situations you've had with friends, relatives, and co-workers... where you have exercised good judgement. How did it feel? What kind of questions did you ask them when you were getting to know them? If you are capable of developing relationships with people of good character in your platonic and work relationships... there is every reason you can develop this in your romantic relationships too. That is what I've done. I also have managed to develop close friendships with people who I feel are excellent judges of character... they help me out alot. I observe them and see how they go about things... and the questions they ask... and their filtering process. I think the biggest thing... #1... is to avoid the guys pressuring you for quick decisions (especially sex)... or try to put you in situations where they can manipulate you in some way. They are like the used-car salesmen who need to make a deal before you leave the lot. That is usually my cue to exit. I agree with this 100%, especially the bolded part. That is invaluable to you.
Author marilla Posted August 26, 2012 Author Posted August 26, 2012 thank you all for answering. This past year i am feeling that i have so much to learn. Thanks for sharing and your great points that i will make sure to remember:)
TaraMaiden Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 (edited) (I made chicken soup.... ) Edited August 26, 2012 by TaraMaiden In-joke between OP and me..... 1
RiverRunning Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 How they treat other people is #1. How do they treat clerks in stores? How do they treat waitstaff at restaurants? I had an ex-boyfriend who treated his family poorly all of the time. Irritation, attitude... He was brief with waitstaff. He didn't thank them. And, as I later learned, he NEVER tipped when we went out to eat (I was appalled when I discovered his receipt and asked him about it. He just smiled at me! He didn't last much longer after that). I tip always - unless the service/waiter is truly horrific - and I always tip at least 20% (which I think most folks should). Sometimes 30 or 35%. It was very telling about his character. Current boyfriend has always shown those characteristics. He always tips, he's always polite, he always says 'thank you' at restaurants. If they make a minor mistake, he shuts his mouth and just eats his food (his father, on the other hand, not so: he will EAT his food, THEN complain about a problem. Very embarrassing). If a man will treat people who can offer him NOTHING with kindness - i.e., he will likely NEVER see them again, or at least deal with them on an ongoing basis - he is probably a decent person all-around.
AD1980 Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 I think most people will show their hand eventually to you in what kind of character they have even if there good at hiding it.. But my friends ex wife was what i thought the nicest most sweetest innocent girl ive ever met and never thought shed do anyhting wrong turns out she cheated on my friend and was in a relationship with this guy a year prior while they were still married.. So you just never know in life..you just have to take a chance and go with your instincts and hope there right
Author marilla Posted August 26, 2012 Author Posted August 26, 2012 thank you all for the great advice. Hopefully i am going to get better at judging character. So TaraMaiden you made soup? i am making meat pie and i am getting better lately at not eating all in the fridge..
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