Silly_Girl Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 My son is approaching 16 and seems to be (finally?) keen to socialise more. I am enjoying seeing him make the transition from boy to man, though it's new and therefore unsettling at times. He's even turned down a cinema trip and a bike ride recently whereas ordinarily he'd be up for doing anything with his old ma! I'm at this stage fairly late, a couple of friends of mine have younger sons who've been doing their own thing for years, missing family events to hang out with friends etc. My son branching out comes as I am looking to live with my boyfriend (they think the world of one another, I'm very lucky) and it's really got me thinking about relationships, and how the different phases of our lives see people coming in and out of focus as our most important relationship(s). I adored my mum for years as a child, though our relationship is often troubled these days. Then my family faded away as I progressed through my teens (and became independent and wilful) and my friends were a priority. Pretty much though, since I had my son at the age of 20 (me - not him ), he's been my number one relationship. It does feel like a partnership. We were best buddies when he was a toddler, getting up to all sorts of mischief, he'd help me around the house and we'd dance to music etc. Because there's only been him it's kind of hard to get it wrong. You choose activities you both like. Simple. And as he's got older he's been there for me if I needed him, supported me through tough times at work by sorting dinner or putting the kettle on when I get in. 9 times out of 10 he greets me at the door when I come home and takes the bags from me We studied together a lot leading up to his exams, we go away for weekends/nights frequently just the 2 of us. We have things in common and he can have me crying with laughter several times a day. We can almost communicate without words at times. Away on holiday with other people or at a family event if there's anything to be 'dealt with' we are on the same wavelength and we often know how the other will react or what they need you to do at that point. Although we're great mates he knows his boundaries and I'm strict with those. I'm facing the prospect of losing the brilliant friendship with my son right now. Maybe 'losing' is the wrong term. But it will fade, and his friendships will start to take precedence. How wonderful for me to have a new stage of life with a great man to help soften the blow! And I guess he and I will be a new partnership going forward. Which will be new to me. Those who know me know I had a long (8yr) relationship with a man who was not good, so that was nothing *like* a partnership. A bit of me feels, though, that nothing will come close to the 16yr friendship my son and I have had. I don't see how anything could be that rewarding. I will possibly have more children, but whereas my lad was 'mine' I know any kids I have would be 'ours'... I'm not sure I'm making any sense here. But never mind. And then to my parents. I don't have a great deal of time for my parents, the more I grow up the less they and I have in common and the less I respect some choices they made/make. But I'm guessing as they age they will start to merge back in to my life and possibly, like my Gran and Mum did, Mum and I might become close again and she will be a big person in my life, so to speak. I don't know what I'm after really, by posting. There's been a lot going on at home this year and I guess I'm feeling reflective about the changes and apprehensive too. I know it will all be fine, or great rather. I'm very lucky, it all just feels a little 'weird' at the moment 1
denise_xo Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 I think you are an awesome mother, and while your relationship with your son might transform a bit in nature, I'm sure that with the foundation the two of you have, you will continue to be very close, albeit in a slightly different format. I admire your parenting. 3
whichwayisup Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 I'm facing the prospect of losing the brilliant friendship with my son right now. Maybe 'losing' is the wrong term. But it will fade, and his friendships will start to take precedence. I wouldn't even say fade because fading also means distancing emotionally and detaching. Your son is close to you, probably closer to you than you were to your mom growing up (different parenting styles) on some level. Your son also relies on you for so much, you are his support and shoulder. He won't bail on you ever. It'll be more quality time spent together and it'll mean more. Kids grow up and as much as you (general you) want them to be happy and live life, it hurts when they first fly out the door, choose friends over staying at home/spending time with family. (They come back obviously..) 1
Radu Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 You sound like a very good mother, and i think your son will be a fantastic father when the time comes. I hope you gave your son a strong male rolemodel in the last few teen yrs; i've seen quite a few guys raised by single moms who put women on a pedestal just because they idealised their mother. It's normal and good that he is breaking away from his mom, or else his relationships with other women will suffer. I guess this is the stage at which your relationship with him changes as you give him the last bit of information before venturing into the world to find a mate. 1
seren Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 Ahh SillyGirl, I recognise this feeling, it's when they branch out and Mum is left feeling a bit redundant and missing the closeness. I know, I was feeling all this some years back, I was reminded of my Mum's saying. With children, as a parent, your role is giving them roots to grow and wings to fly. You have given him good, strong roots, that have seen him grow to be a lovely young man and now he is stretching his wings ready to take off and fly. Here's the thing, they never, ever forget where Mum is or what she means to them. My lovely boy is now 28yrs, he is not my friend although we are very close, I am his Mum and he is now a Policeman in London, but he is also my little boy. When he comes home I still pop in to turn the light out when he has fallen asleep and I see he still sleeps as he did when he was a baby. I mother him, enjoy the time I have with him and marvel that I have helped to make this lovely person. I miss him and worry about him each and every day. All I can do is be the safety net that can catch him should he need it. That's what we do and that's what we will always do. He is still young enough to need you to guide and support him, but pat yourself on the back for helping to form this young man and know that your relationship will be changed, but that you still are loved. My son and I talk every few days, he shares some stuff, not all thank God! but he tells me he loves me every time and I do the Mum nagging stuff, but the closeness doesn't go away, it just changes. It's just the best thing being a mother and it doesn't end when they stretch their wings to leave the nest. xx Bless your heart for feeling this way 3
seren Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 Back again!! your post made me remember when my son was getting to the independence stage. My H has always gone out to the car before me to warm it up, opens the door for me and when we get home from shopping, gets out opens the door and I go in while he brings in the shopping. Makes me feel a bit like the Queen of Sheba. I remember my son being about 14 and saying in you go Mum, I'll bring in the shopping, and I noticed him doing a lot of stuff his Dad did and I realised he was growing up and Mum was to be looked after and cherished in a, me man, sort of way. He has always cleaned the house, and had chores for his pocket money, but suddenly I would come home from work and the place was spick and span, coffee on and he was doing the looking after the old Mum stuff. It touched my heart and made me think, I'll not have this forever and it made me glad and proud, but sad too. When the riots were on in London last year, I switched on the telly and there in a group of just 8 policemen (women) was my son, facing a mob of over 200 and my heart stopped. I would have gladly faced the crowd instead of him and while the world saw a brave, capable policeman, I saw my little boy, the toddler, the small child and I was proud, scared and angry all at once. We never stop worrying, never stop wanting to put a cloak of protection over them and never stop loving them. Being a mother is just the best thing. Your post made me go ahh (not argh, that's a whole different mother feeling) and remember, so now I miss him and am planning to send him a plane ticket so he can visit soon. (Met Police get crappy pay) xx
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