It's been seven years...

[urbanhipster]

I was in a relationship with my ex for about two years. She was my first true love – someone that I immediately fell head over heels for, with no hesitation. Before her, I thought I had been in love. After all, I was in a relationship for seven years with my high school sweetheart and two years with someone else in-between. Well, after seeing each other for only a week, I realized that I had never fallen in love before her.

 

In the end, she broke up with me. She said that she was unhappy. I was completely devastated, but still held out the hope that we would be together again.

 

So, for the next nine months, we tried to be friends. She got into another relationship shortly after we broke up, which I wasn’t okay with, but decided to remain friends because I didn’t want to lose her completely. During this time, she would still tell me that she loved me and that she was confused – a total "push and pull" sort of deal. Anyhow, one night, I was talking to her new significant other alone and asked, “So, when did you guys meet anyway? I don’t think I know the whole story.” I wasn’t prying. I was simply making conversation. Long story short, I find out that she had cheated on me because she started dating her significant other about two months before we broke up. In fact, the weekend that they officially met was the weekend that she supposedly had to go on a business trip. Let’s just say, her business trip wasn’t very far – in fact, she was in a hotel room 15 miles away from our place.

 

That night, I got her on the phone and told her that I knew it all. She started crying and saying that she still loved me. I had never been so angry and so hurt in my entire life. We both were hysterical on the phone and in the end, I hung up on her because I couldn’t take it anymore and that was the last time we spoke.

 

It’s been almost seven years since that phone call. About four years ago, she found me on a social networking site and messaged me, asking if we could see each other because she wanted to apologize in person. It was a very sincere letter, but I never wrote back. Then, a year ago, she messages me again on that same site, wishing me a happy birthday. Again, I didn’t write back.

 

I still think of my ex often and wish I could get her out of my head. I always tell myself that she was my first love and that I’m never going to forget her, regardless of what happened, but at the same time, I wonder if it’s normal the amount that I do think of her. In a way, I feel like I never got closure from our relationship. In the end, we were both screaming at each other and crying – I don’t think our conversation would have made any sense to an outsider.

 

When I found she cheated on me, it hurt me deeply because it made me question everything. All-of-a-sudden, there was doubt cast on every moment we shared, down to every meaningful word she ever said to me. At that point in time, the happiness moments I have ever had in my life were with her, and now, they were all tainted. Her actions made me feel like our relationship was one big lie.

 

I’m currently in a relationship and have been for the past five years. Over the years, I have talked to my girlfriend a couple of times about seeing my ex, not to have a reconciliation, but to talk to her in a calm manner about what happened and to tell her how she made me feel. I guess there is also a part of me that wants to hear that apology in person. I think seeing her again would give me closure. Of course, my girlfriend disagrees.

 

The problem is, I haven’t been as open as I once was in relationships. I trust my girlfriend and love her, but it’s hard for me to completely let her in. It’s like I can’t let myself be completely vulnerable again. In a way, I am hoping that by me talking to my ex, it will somehow make me feel better, like I can finally move on and not look back.

 

What do you think? Am I just asking for trouble?

[Hornachero]

Hey Urbanhipster,

 

It took me seven years to get over the love of my life, this half-italian/half-lebanese girl I met in my first year of college. It took me two years to stop obsessing about her 24/7 and an additional five to stop thinking about her every time I was single again. For some reason, I would not be thinking about her when involved in a new relationship but would immediately start missing her once I was single again. I felt like Bill Murray in GroundHog Day. At the end of every new relationship (and I had many), I would find myself in my bed, missing HER and not the one I just broke up with.

 

Two years ago, I was on campus and I bumped into her. She had just gotten herself a job nearby and was re-discovering the place. After the initial shock, we started talking (she is now married with two kids) and she looked so different to me! Although I could indubitably recognize the things I used to like about her, these things were not attractive to me anymore. Things about her that I thought were classy were just...precious. And while I remembered her being this super smart girl, she now seemed so superficial! In one way, I even felt disappointed at myself obsessing about this girl that was almost nothing like the one I remembered.

 

It's been 8 years now since the BU and I almost never think about her anymore. I do from time to time (like now) when things don't work out with someone new, but not like I used to anymore.

 

So yeah, seeing the girl you demystify the memories that you have of her and move on for good. But I also understand why your current girlfriend is unhappy about it. Whatever you do, stop talking about it to your current partner (there is no point in making her feel insecure).

 

Good luck and stay strong (always)!

[urbanhipster]

Hey Urbanhipster,

 

It took me seven years to get over the love of my life, this half-italian/half-lebanese girl I met in my first year of college. It took me two years to stop obsessing about her 24/7 and an additional five to stop thinking about her every time I was single again. For some reason, I would not be thinking about her when involved in a new relationship but would immediately start missing her once I was single again. I felt like Bill Murray in GroundHog Day. At the end of every new relationship (and I had many), I would find myself in my bed, missing HER and not the one I just broke up with.

 

Two years ago, I was on campus and I bumped into her. She had just gotten herself a job nearby and was re-discovering the place. After the initial shock, we started talking (she is now married with two kids) and she looked so different to me! Although I could indubitably recognize the things I used to like about her, these things were not attractive to me anymore. Things about her that I thought were classy were just...precious. And while I remembered her being this super smart girl, she now seemed so superficial! In one way, I even felt disappointed at myself obsessing about this girl that was almost nothing like the one I remembered.

 

It's been 8 years now since the BU and I almost never think about her anymore. I do from time to time (like now) when things don't work out with someone new, but not like I used to anymore.

 

So yeah, seeing the girl you demystify the memories that you have of her and move on for good. But I also understand why your current girlfriend is unhappy about it. Whatever you do, stop talking about it to your current partner (there is no point in making her feel insecure).

 

Good luck and stay strong (always)!

 

Your comments hit the nail on the head, hornachero! I hope that seeing my ex will help me move on because at this point, I haven't stopped thinking about her and it's seriously starting to irk me. It would be great if I see her and realize that she is not the same person or I'm just not attracted to the things I used to like anymore.

 

I stopped talking about seeing my ex to my current gf because it obviously would upset her. The only reason why I talked to her about it a couple of times is because I wanted to be completely honest. She doesn't understand where I'm coming from and thinks that I just want to see her, period.

 

So, if I see my ex, it would be behind my gf's back, which I don't want to do. I feel like I'm being dumb because I may be jeopardizing what I currently have for something that happened in the past, but I am so frustrated and don't know what else to do. I keep telling myself that I will stop thinking about her in-time, but it's been seven years!

[Hornachero]

You have no intention of going back with your ex-girlfriend so seeing her is not a betrayal. If anything, you are actually trying to protect your current relationship by making sure that you are not prisoner of the former one! In this perspective, it seems to me that talking about it to your current girlfriend is just counterproductive (she wouldn't understand). You, on the other hand, know that your intentions are pure and that you just want to move on (much for the sake of the new one). So do what you have to do and go get that closure of yours

[Dblock10]

wow! ok you need support from the current gf. go with her..

 

basically your not missing the ex or anything like that, what you cant let go of is the betrayal. totally understandable..

 

you either need to somehow let this go, and i think the best way is to go see this ex in person, and finally get closure, like hear the apology, forgive her and i think that will set you free.

[urbanhipster]

After reading the last two comments, I took some time to really think about this today and I think I'm gonna contact my ex. It's going to be so weird sending her a message after so long. I think I'm gonna keep it short and straight to the point, like, "Do you still want to meet up?" I don't want her to think our meeting is anything more than what it is.

 

Wish me luck! I'll do a follow-up post.