"I don't want to get back with you" Really?

[mistermr]

Quick sum up:

Split up with my ex gf of 4.5 years after she had a one night stand. A few days later she started seeing the guy she cheated on. I begged and pleaded and was pretty horrible at times because I was angry/upset. It's now two months later, she's still seeing this guy, although the last time we spoke (1 week ago) they were not an item.

 

Last time I spoke to my ex, she said something,

 

"I don't want to get back with you"

 

"I don't ever see us getting back together, there were things in the relationship I realise now that were missing..."

 

Me: "Like what?"

 

Her: "Confidence"

 

I think it's because this new guy is really outgoing, unlike myself, who is quite quiet. She didn't give any other examples. The only reason I think she said those things to me was because I pushed her, made her angry. When she said them, she didn't say them with confidence (ironically). They also sounded like somebody else's words (possibly her mother's lol)

 

I really believe this guy she is seeing is just infatuation, nothing more. I also believe, considering their circumstances that this relationship is doomed to fail, no idea how long that will take though.

 

I know I need to move on and all that.

 

I've gone no contact for 4 days now but I'm dying to talk to her again about what she said. She couldn't have meant it? Not after a few weeks after a nearly 5 year relationship. Sure, I wasn't outgoing but everything else was there, the love, respect, fun and everything in between.

 

I know I don't need any hope. But people say things in the moment, don't they? If that's not true then it contradicts other advice given here, such as actions speak louder than words.

 

But can people really get perspective on a long term relationship after a few weeks? At the moment she is infatuated with this guy, a guy who is known for playing girls and never does LTRs.

 

I don't even know if I ever want to get back with her, maybe one day would be nice.

 

I just want to hear others experiences. I know a lot of people proclaim "I never want to see you again!" and then not long after they are seeing them again lol.

[oracle]

If you haven't already.. read my thread at the top of the section.

 

Consider it done.

 

You would never wanna give it another go after a scenario like that. History repeats itself.

 

The mental gymnastics of trying to figure out what the real meaning of what she says/does is a pointless excercise that will cost months/years of your life.

 

I have lived with my ex for 2 years post break up. Trust me. I have run the gauntlet and played all the games.

 

Best of luck, it will get better

[TaraMaiden]

Q

I know a lot of people proclaim "I never want to see you again!" and then not long after they are seeing them again lol.

 

....Yeah.... as F.uc.kbuddies - !

 

Listen to Oracle - read his thread, and MY 'No Contact' link in my signature. They''re both at the bottom of this post....

[mistermr]

I appreciate your replies. But it's not really the satisfaction I was hoping for lol.

 

This forum and others like can be pretty useless, why not just set-up system where you write your post and when you press "send" a big screen comes up with NO CONTACT and nothing else.

 

It's not like I'm want to be ungrateful and I do really appreciate all time spent on reading and replying to threads on here.

 

But if this advice is so sound. Then why are there long-term members on here? If there is only one way to deal with the situation then why bother visiting here at all? I can't believe it can be good for your health to casually hang out on a Breakup forum.

 

Life is so intricate, yes there are patterns and behaviours that get repeated. But some people have different outcomes. You will either see your ex again, you will see them briefly or you will live happily ever after.

 

Just as much as no one can predict the outcome, no one can be sure that because it's the most popular piece of advice, doesn't mean it's the best.

 

I am trying NO CONTACT for myself. It's working so far. But I still have questions and moments in my day where I can't help but think about them.

 

Talking about them DOES help. Sharing experiences DOES help.

 

Linking to an article and not being able to really discuss any issues only partially helps.

 

Like I said. It is appreciated but sometimes it's frustrating to come to a support forum and not find much support, repeated advice.

[TaraMaiden]

I appreciate your replies. But it's not really the satisfaction I was hoping for lol.

 

 

So, what satisfaction WERE you hopiong for - lol?

 

This forum and others like can be pretty useless, why not just set-up system where you write your post and when you press "send" a big screen comes up with NO CONTACT and nothing else.

Because actually, not everyone GETS that advice....

 

It's not like I'm want to be ungrateful and I do really appreciate all time spent on reading and replying to threads on here.

Yah, cool. no probs, glad to have helped....

 

But if this advice is so sound. Then why are there long-term members on here?

Either because they studiously avoid listening to sound advice - or because they're here to help other poor folk who either haven't had the advice yet - or paid no heed....

 

If there is only one way to deal with the situation then why bother visiting here at all? I can't believe it can be good for your health to casually hang out on a Breakup forum.

There isn't only one way to deal with a situation. But in your case, that would be best.

Au contraire - I'm fit as a fiddle and raring to go. Helping's what I do best!

 

 

Life is so intricate, yes there are patterns and behaviours that get repeated. But some people have different outcomes. You will either see your ex again, you will see them briefly or you will live happily ever after.

 

yeah..... and?

 

Just as much as no one can predict the outcome, no one can be sure that because it's the most popular piece of advice, doesn't mean it's the best.

Doesn't mean it's the worst either, but it works - why do you think it's given so much? Because - it - works....

 

I am trying NO CONTACT for myself. It's working so far.

Oh really...? Well, there's a result....

 

But I still have questions and moments in my day where I can't help but think about them.

 

Talking about them DOES help. Sharing experiences DOES help.

 

Linking to an article and not being able to really discuss any issues only partially helps.

 

Like I said. It is appreciated but sometimes it's frustrating to come to a support forum and not find much support, repeated advice.

 

The big problem is that although discussion may 'help' it doesn't 'resolve'. It's just a lot of words which usually bring you back in a wide circle, back to your point of origin.

 

"Second (successful) Chances" are as rare as hen's teeth, and time and again, people return to record the failure. and once again, prove by their actions, that the good ol' safe stand-by of NC - works.

it works, because it's a fool-proof way of moving on....

[mistermr]

Oh really...? Well, there's a result....

 

I'm SO SO SO close to breaking No Contact! It's HELL.

[TaraMaiden]

I know.... look, either post in the "post here instead of contacting your ex" thread - or have a really good bad-mouth vent - at me.... here.

I can take it, if it helps!

[mistermr]

Thanks, and I really didn't mean any offence before. I was just frustrated.

 

I'll check out that other thread and bookmark it

[TaraMaiden]

I took no offence, honest... but sometimes, our feelings are so high-wired, we look for what we might want to hear, instead of what might be best for us....?

 

Maybe?

[mistermr]

It's so hard not to hold out hope though when we were in so good, right up until the day before she cheated. It would have happened eventually if it hadn't have happened that night, I know that.

 

And I know that she wasn't in love with me as much as she was, otherwise it wouldn't have happened at all. And she wouldn't still be with him if she was still "in love" with me. I know she still loves me, I did nothing wrong after all and 4.5 years together of laughing, loving and passionate sex doesn't slip away that easily.

 

It just happened so fast, it's still hard to comprehend even after nearly 2 months.

 

Is she blinded at the minute by infatuation? Or is this me just trying to console myself? More of a rhetorical question. But this is what I'm fighting against everyday.

[TaraMaiden]

The big problem is, that IS a "Closure" question...

You could preface it, while looking at her, with -

"Just tell me, be honest with me...."

 

And closure questions are always the hardest to deal with - because they often have no answer, except guilt, confusion and occasional embarrassment on their part.

The truth is - they can't answer the 'closure' question without stabbing you in the heart in a new and different way.

They don't want to have to answer it....

 

So often, even if you ever have the opportunity to ask it - chances are you won't get a straight/honest answer....

 

So what to do with a closure question?

Shelve it.

It will either get an 'answer' in time, or end up being redundant, trivial, inconsequential, unimportant, insignificant - or best of all - forgotten.

[prettylittlethings]

 

Is she blinded at the minute by infatuation? Or is this me just trying to console myself? More of a rhetorical question. But this is what I'm fighting against everyday.

 

Well I'm going to answer it anyway, NO! She does not love you and probably means every word she says. I don't why people do this to themselves and console themselves by thinking "she doesn't really mean it." My ex boyfriend did this exact thing, he held onto so much hope that final I had to be absolutely brutal.. but that's another story. People change quickly, and with that, peoples' feelings change quickly. It hurts, it's devastating, but it's the truth.

 

Especially when you're meeting new people, you realise how much more there is, how many people you are far more compatible with, and how the person you were just with doesn't even come close to ticking enough boxes. I suggest you do the same thing she is and hopefully the same comes to light. On the other hand, you can realise how the person you were with IS the person you want to be with and how nobody comes close... but if that's how you feel to start off with, it will change. Eventually anyway. I guarantee it.

[soccerrprp]

mistermr,

 

sorry guy, but it sounds like it's over. i am currently figuring out whether i want to make it work with my ex, but the difference is that we "separated" under very good terms. I went NC for 2-months and she contacted me first and suggested getting back together first. We're going to have a long talk before I make a decision and if things are not resolved, it will be a no go.

 

Again, my break-up was under good terms, so my feelings are different about the whole getting back together thing.

 

Move on. She's not for you. She's already found someone else, slept with that person, tells you after how many years? that there was something missing???? confidence?

[mistermr]

I'm not sure if I was clear but she cheated with him once and then we split up and she continued to see him, but I had moved back home a good few hours away. He was there to "console her". I haven't seen her face to face since we split.

 

We never argued, I've just been angry but no arguing hardly ever throughout our relationship, only about silly things.

[Tree_Salmon]

Quick sum up:

Split up with my ex gf of 4.5 years after she had a one night stand. A few days later she started seeing the guy she cheated on. I begged and pleaded and was pretty horrible at times because I was angry/upset. It's now two months later, she's still seeing this guy, although the last time we spoke (1 week ago) they were not an item.

 

Last time I spoke to my ex, she said something,

 

"I don't want to get back with you"

 

"I don't ever see us getting back together, there were things in the relationship I realise now that were missing..."

 

Me: "Like what?"

 

Her: "Confidence"

 

I think it's because this new guy is really outgoing, unlike myself, who is quite quiet. She didn't give any other examples. The only reason I think she said those things to me was because I pushed her, made her angry. When she said them, she didn't say them with confidence (ironically). They also sounded like somebody else's words (possibly her mother's lol)

 

I really believe this guy she is seeing is just infatuation, nothing more. I also believe, considering their circumstances that this relationship is doomed to fail, no idea how long that will take though.

 

I know I need to move on and all that.

 

I've gone no contact for 4 days now but I'm dying to talk to her again about what she said. She couldn't have meant it? Not after a few weeks after a nearly 5 year relationship. Sure, I wasn't outgoing but everything else was there, the love, respect, fun and everything in between.

 

I know I don't need any hope. But people say things in the moment, don't they? If that's not true then it contradicts other advice given here, such as actions speak louder than words.

 

But can people really get perspective on a long term relationship after a few weeks? At the moment she is infatuated with this guy, a guy who is known for playing girls and never does LTRs.

 

I don't even know if I ever want to get back with her, maybe one day would be nice.

 

I just want to hear others experiences. I know a lot of people proclaim "I never want to see you again!" and then not long after they are seeing them again lol.

 

I can tell just by your post that you lack confidence. So she is most likely right.

 

But it doesn't matter what she thinks. Gain confidence and move on. You don't need this girl.

 

Show her you wont play her games and she will probably beg you to get back.

[mistermr]

What is confidence though? I can only distinguish myself from being quiet and thoughtful, do someone who is loud a brash.

 

What is unconfident about my post?

 

I was always the one in the relationship taking charge and encouraging her to get off her arse and do stuff lol. She is a lazy stoner. What is confidence?

[Tree_Salmon]

What is confidence though? I can only distinguish myself from being quiet and thoughtful, do someone who is loud a brash.

 

What is unconfident about my post?

 

I was always the one in the relationship taking charge and encouraging her to get off her arse and do stuff lol. She is a lazy stoner. What is confidence?

 

Confidence is not having to ask what confidence is because you know already.

 

You should have kicked her ass out of your life if she was a "lazy stoner" but you didn't.

 

You said you weren't outgoing and you begged and pleaded. A confident man never pleaded for some cheater to take him back.

It shows you rely on some kind of female approval. Which is a massive sign of weakness and insecurity.

 

Insecurity = Relationship Death.

 

I'm not trying to beat you up, I'm just bringing that perspective out for you. And to be quite honest, this girl sounds like a turd. You are way better off.

 

I've done almost 6 years before so I know how you feel but don't let this make you a sad excuse of a man.

[mistermr]

No it's fair enough, I appreciate the truth.

 

I did dump her and leave (it was her house). But you're right, I should kick her to the curb permanently. It's a shame cus she was a good, sweet, caring girl. But she ****ed that up and now has to live with it, and especially has to live with the fact that whatever she calls this relationship with this new guy, it's founded on cheating on her long term boyfriend. Yeah, that's something to tell the grandkids LOL

 

I'm a lazy stoner too though ^_^

[Coyoteloco]

look dude, the no contact thing works great, but you got to stick to it, and as being no contact you also got to work on yourslef, go to the gym, start a new sport, that worked for me. And im 1 month after the break up, a 6 year relationship break up, and 1 month later it still hurts, but not as much as the first week, and when you stay no contact it gets so much easier. Also get your day full of things to do, dont stay in the computer looking at pictures, hung out with friends, do some ****. Now after 1 month of the break up, i saw my ex gf yesterday night, and she was crazy to be with me, tryed to hug me, my friends told me she was asking about me the whole time. So yes no contact does work for healing yourself, and also for giving your ex the time to think about things and to understand what a break up really is. Although in your case i wouldnt ever ever take her back, she crossed the line for me and i wouldnt ever take her back if i were you cause i wouldnt be able to trust her, respect her, or even want to be with her. Just heal and try to get a better one next time.

 

legalize it lololololol

[Tree_Salmon]

I've written on here before how my ex has always come back after NC. Every one of them.

 

My most recent one even begged me for sex. But you have to get your head out of wanting her. It didn't work for a reason.

 

No matter what, those reasons will always be there, unless she changes. People rarely change.

[mistermr]

I'll tell you all what. Since I posted on here, I have been chatting with a new girl, I haven't even thought about my ex since

[oracle]

I'll tell you all what. Since I posted on here, I have been chatting with a new girl, I haven't even thought about my ex since

 

 

Ugh....

 

>Sigh<

 

Have fun, but please.. manage your expectations.

 

I have browsed thru the thread. I don't think you really listen or want help to move forward

 

And to be honest nobody does at the beginning.. When we are fresh into it..we are out there constantly searching for the feedback we WANT to hear - the BS that is gonna further fuel the delusions in your head.

[oracle]

I've written on here before how my ex has always come back after NC. Every one of them.

 

My most recent one even begged me for sex. But you have to get your head out of wanting her. It didn't work for a reason.

 

No matter what, those reasons will always be there, unless she changes. People rarely change.

 

Ya people can adjust their beliefs and behaviour, but they don't change their core traits

[mistermr]

Ugh....

 

>Sigh<

 

Have fun, but please.. manage your expectations.

 

I have browsed thru the thread. I don't think you really listen or want help to move forward

 

And to be honest nobody does at the beginning.. When we are fresh into it..we are out there constantly searching for the feedback we WANT to hear - the BS that is gonna further fuel the delusions in your head.

 

Hey, what you sighing at?

 

I am in no contact with my ex, I have moments of weakness and doubt, I express them on here and other places of outlet but I do not express them towards my ex. I do very much so listen to the advice but there are times when it's hard to swallow. And just because I question it sometimes, doesn't mean I'm not listening and absorbing it.

 

Yes, I was talking to another girl and yes it was keeping me distracted. No, I'm not going to jump into a relationship with her but I was just keeping my mind off my ex, even if it was for a few hours. That was the first few hours in months I have not thought about her.

 

So enough with yours sighs lol

[oracle]

I appreciate your replies. But it's not really the satisfaction I was hoping for lol.

 

This forum and others like can be pretty useless, why not just set-up system where you write your post and when you press "send" a big screen comes up with NO CONTACT and nothing else.

 

It's not like I'm want to be ungrateful and I do really appreciate all time spent on reading and replying to threads on here.

 

But if this advice is so sound. Then why are there long-term members on here? If there is only one way to deal with the situation then why bother visiting here at all? I can't believe it can be good for your health to casually hang out on a Breakup forum.

 

Life is so intricate, yes there are patterns and behaviours that get repeated. But some people have different outcomes. You will either see your ex again, you will see them briefly or you will live happily ever after.

 

Just as much as no one can predict the outcome, no one can be sure that because it's the most popular piece of advice, doesn't mean it's the best.

 

I am trying NO CONTACT for myself. It's working so far. But I still have questions and moments in my day where I can't help but think about them.

 

Talking about them DOES help. Sharing experiences DOES help.

 

Linking to an article and not being able to really discuss any issues only partially helps.

 

Like I said. It is appreciated but sometimes it's frustrating to come to a support forum and not find much support, repeated advice.

 

 

Get a therapist and pay $120hr if you want hand holding, and it would probably be a good thing for you. I saw one for a year when I was living the height of hell.

 

Look, there are 2 groups of people here:

 

1) Everyone like you that have been freshly kicked to the curb and are currently caught up in the helplessness of the moment.

 

2) Me and a handful of others who have been sh*t thru lifes *******, who have been through all the hard stuff over SEVERAL YEARS and have come to a few significant understandings. I know what its like, I really do and I have played all the mental games as you are now.

 

Look, attachment is an infantile emotion - that is, its one of the very first emotional bonds / responses we have as humans. It happens fairly quickly between mother and child after birth. Its a very basic, selfish and imature form of an emotional bond. Think basic building block level of humanity.

 

Just from reading your response, I can tell right away that is where you are operating from.. that loss off control scenario over the object of your attachment.

 

I am here because I think if people could only understand sooner.. WHY they feel like they do, why they have that natural human response to these scenarios that they do and to force them to Stop.. look at themselves, what they are feeling and the big picture. To Control the emotional aspect of the situation as opposed to the situation and emotions controlling them. I have seen people that have wasted years of their lives in the dark valley, wallowing in it.

 

If you are here to wallow in it and commiserate with people at the exact same level as you, BS each other for the "REASON" behind things.. sure, have at it... have a blast.