reedy22 Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 this is my first post and i really need some advice, ive been with my fiance for 3 years were supposed to get married this year, well he recently found out that i lied about checking his email and phone which i came clean to then i came clean about lying about what i did and now he wants to cx the wedding and go to therapy which i think is a good idea and im know i did wrong and willing to work on whatever i need to, i want to gain his trust again, i guess im just having a hard time with the fact that it was so easy for him to want to cx our wedding which is very soon. and he keeps saying i dont know what the future holds we just have to wait and see. any help would be great i just feel so helpless now and he had lied to me in the past just once.
TaraMaiden Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 Jeesh... if he's going to be this jumpy about you checking his stuff (yeah, wrong, I know, fair 'nuff) - what's he going to be like when you want to go to the shopping mall - ON YOUR OWN - ?!? *Gasp!!* I think counselling is a good idea - if only to determine why his 'Trust' level is set so low...!
Author reedy22 Posted August 26, 2012 Author Posted August 26, 2012 thats how i feel like this is so easy for him to do, i know im in the wrong for lying but im willing to make this work and i dont want to cx the wedding its 9 weeks away. just feel like its to easy for him to cx it like he doesnt really want to work on it....
TaraMaiden Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 Then agree - but tell him up-front - you consider his reasoning for calling off the wedding to be an excessive knee-jerk reaction - and you'd like that addressed as well. if he protests....Hmmmm... you might well be in luck here and dodging a bullet....
soccerrprp Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 Jeesh... if he's going to be this jumpy about you checking his stuff (yeah, wrong, I know, fair 'nuff) - what's he going to be like when you want to go to the shopping mall - ON YOUR OWN - ?!? *Gasp!!* I think counselling is a good idea - if only to determine why his 'Trust' level is set so low...! I was going to pass by this thread, but couldn't realizing just how strange this response was to me.... The OP indicates in EVERY WAY that is she that has the trust issues here. She is the one that found the need to check his email and texts, not the other way around. To use the shopping mall as cynical example of what's to possibly come, has no basis for a rational response to this. Again, it is her that has the trust issues as I see it. 1. You checked his emails and texts w/o permission 2. YOU LIED about it ...and you're wondering why your fiance is feeling upset and uncertain? Who has the real trust issue here?!
TaraMaiden Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 It's not the 'what' that is necessarily the problem. The problem is his extreme reaction to it. Given her admittance that she did wrong, her apology and attempts to make amends - honestly - would you cancel a wedding less than a year away, because your GF looked - once - at your phone and stuff? Don't you think that's a bit of a knee-jerk reaction...?
Sav Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 It's not the 'what' that is necessarily the problem. The problem is his extreme reaction to it. Given her admittance that she did wrong, her apology and attempts to make amends - honestly - would you cancel a wedding less than a year away, because your GF looked - once - at your phone and stuff? Don't you think that's a bit of a knee-jerk reaction...? If it was me in her bf's shoes, I would react the same way. Well maybe not to the extent of canceling the wedding but I would be pretttty pissed off. I mean the person that I planned to spend my life with and was ready to trust actually lied to me. It would really get me thinking about how many other things she lied to me about. And she only came clean after being found out. Which could easily lead to me thinking what other things she is keeping from me. To me, his reaction is kind of justified. I wouldn't trust someone who didn't trust me and lied to my face :\
TaraMaiden Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 If it was me in her bf's shoes, I would react the same way. Well maybe not to the extent of canceling the wedding but I would be pretttty pissed off. That's my point.... see... you WOULD'T react in the same way.... Cancelling the wedding is a bit much.... I mean the person that I planned to spend my life with and was ready to trust actually lied to me. It would really get me thinking about how many other things she lied to me about. And she only came clean after being found out. Which could easily lead to me thinking what other things she is keeping from me. To me, his reaction is kind of justified. I wouldn't trust someone who didn't trust me and lied to my face :\ Nothing else has been accepted or glossed over. She knows she has work to do and offered as much....
soccerrprp Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 It's not the 'what' that is necessarily the problem. The problem is his extreme reaction to it. Given her admittance that she did wrong, her apology and attempts to make amends - honestly - would you cancel a wedding less than a year away, because your GF looked - once - at your phone and stuff? Don't you think that's a bit of a knee-jerk reaction...? Was it only once? The act itself wasn't as troublesome as the lying. I suspect that this type of behavior would continue if she had not been caught. So, again... 1. She has the trust issue... 2. She lied! Why wouldn't one be hesitant? If you're SO lied to you would you take it as an unimportant event? Honestly speaking, I am not certain if I would cancel the wedding, but I would begin to seriously question her character and state of mind for being both insecure and deceitful.
TaraMaiden Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 Again, I repeat - that isn't disputed - least of all by the OP. The issue is that the BF saw fit to cancel the wedding, which is a bit of an extreme reaction. We're all agreed on that, just as the OP is in perfect agreement about where she went wrong. Her post is a full admission of that. her confusion lies in his extreme reaction....
Author reedy22 Posted August 26, 2012 Author Posted August 26, 2012 Yes I checked his phones email I came clean after I lied about it I felt ashamed but about a year ago he looked on Craigslist personals and was yahoo chatting so that is why I have trust issues! I know I shouldn't have lied and wish I could take it back but I can't I agree wit doing therapy with him. I just feel like it was so easy for hi to cx the wedding its 8 weeks away! I do understand that it takes time to get his trust back but he just keeps saying things like I'm uncertain of our future now and only time will tell. I just feel like if we're both in this 100 percent then he would want to move forward....
Minnie09 Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 Huh? So he was on Craigslist doing inappropriate stuff that disrespects your relationship, and you're the one who has to apologize.....for what exactly? You have every reason not to trust him and check up on him. If he has nothing to hide, he hides nothing. That's what you should be concerned about. He cancels the wedding because he knows he's in the wrong and doesn't want to be confronted. He's sneaky and not trustworthy. You have every right to be suspicious, and if were truly concerned about your relationship and your feelings, he would do everything possible to convince you that he has changed. By canceling the wedding and turning the whole thing around on you, he definitely shows you where his priorities are. They are not you. Saving his rear end and leading a secret life behind your back is his priority.
Tyler. Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 Well you're not in a bad place, yeah you may have lied to him but it's a small lie and as long as you understand your mistake and never repeat it, you guys should just talk about it. Try communicating more with him, theraphy is not really required at this point. But again, as long as you talk it out and there are no bad feelings left between you two. Just talk to him and assure him that it was just a small insecurity or whatever, and then don't tell any more lies or have secrets. You're soon to be married and you should learn to communicate better before trying councelling or anything, and this situation is not that hard to overcome. Be honest and sincere when you guys are communicating, build mutual trust and hopefully, you'll live happily ever after
Author reedy22 Posted August 26, 2012 Author Posted August 26, 2012 Yes he went on Craigslist personals was looking at singles ect... I also saw he was trying to chat and our web can was moved! When I confronted him of course he said I was just curious I promise il never do it again.. I love u the thought of losing u is scary,so I moved on I never checked his stuff untill recently, yes I know I shouldn't have lied and that a huge deal I relationships but he also did to in te past! I haven't brought this up to him but I think I should, I'm just afraid of losing him he really is the best thing that's happens to me! I'm still confused y he would want to cx so fast, like it was so easy for him...
Tyler. Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 I hadn't read the responses before posting sorry. About the craigslist stuff, you should talk to him on that matter too. Don't feel so bad about yourself now that you've had some reasons to be concerned about, but still, it's not too bad of a place to be in. Tell him why you did this, and he'll understand why you were insecure about it and he should be more open later. It's not a deal breaker or anything, you both should just adress these concerns of yours(both you and him) and handle the issues. You are planning to live your life together, be open and honest.
Author reedy22 Posted August 26, 2012 Author Posted August 26, 2012 Yes I agree I need to communicate better I also lied to him about having a certaind degree and I don't I did fess up to that also and I know I in the wrong and told him that's it everything's on the table and he continues to say I just don't know i can trust u again only time will tell and I do know it takes time, and that this acted him and he would think what else is she lying about, I just wish I understood better y he wants to call off the marriage so quickly! I agree therapy is good and will help us communicate better! Just feel like he's concerned about himself and what's bet for him then eha best for us and how we move on... This is also our first big real fight for 3 years we never really fought about me thing
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