it's like i never mattered... :(

[toosad]

Hi, I posted on here months ago but can't remember my username so I had to create a new one.

 

I'm sorry it's long, can somebody please read or skim through most of it? I am just so sad... I don't know how to go on anymore.... please....

 

MY STORY:

I was with my boyfriend for 17 years (live together 16). We have a 15 year old son. In all those years I thought we would be married. He did ask before our son was born, gave me a ring, etc, but then changed his mind a month later. He never changed it back. He would tell me one day, but one day never came. I gave up asking a few years ago. Also, we lived in his house, which was fine in the beginning. His mother rented the apartment upstairs. In all these years I pretty much purchased EVERYTHING for the house, and our son, also paid the daycare in the early years. EVERYTHING. He paid the house bills (as it was not and never was my house). I never once saw him right out a check. Never even saw his checkbook. He never told me how much money he made. I know his mother paid rent (his friend told me), but I never once saw her give him the rent money. It was like everything to do with money was kept secret from me. The big thing was the house needed work. He started the kitchen 16 years ago, but only put a new ceiling. The cabinets had holes in the back that I put duck tape over to keep the mice out! The bathroom was horrible. The floor is lifting up and the tub is peeling. It is so hard to clean. Takes me forever. I did all the cleaning. And the yardwork. All he did was ride his lawnmower where he could fit it. I just did so much and asked for so little. All I asked was that we get married and fix up the house. We both work full time and can well afford it. But I was NOT going to put MY money into HIS house. I asked him nicely, lovingly many many times over the years to marry me, fix up the house, etc. Also, I would have loved to have another child, but he never wanted one so we didn't have one. So in all these years I had to live the way he wanted.... live in his house, but not improve it EVER, no more children, and not get married.

 

In the past couple years my son has not been doing well in school... no motivation. I tried to explain that he is like that because of our home environment. Nothing ever got fixed, we had no plans for our future. I felt I needed to do something. I was so saddened everytime I would hear a friend talk about fixing up their house, or celebrating an anniversary, even hearing the word 'husband'. I felt stupid calling him my boyfriend all these years.

So I ended up buying a house this summer. I just moved in last week. My son will be staying with me most of the time, esp. during school. I had been looking for about 9 months. He knew it and would even come look at houses with me. Tell me I should make an offer, etc. I thought it was weird, because he is actually a really nice, kind person. My family gets along great with him. He helped me fix up some things in the house before I moved. We still went out and did stuff together. Still acted like a couple in love. I just couldn't live like that any longer and he refused to change. I didn't know what else to do. I told him I would rather get married, fix up his house, or buy a new house together. I told him if he didn't want to do that then I was going to buy my own home. Why shouldn't I have a home of my own? I couldn't pass up buying with the mortgage rates/prices at a low.

 

The thing that bothers me now is that since I moved here he has not called once to see how I was. I took our cats too. He loved these cats, but has not asked about them either. I called him a couple times and he just acts like I'm no one special and maybe we'll do something on the weekend. He doesn't know why I'm so sad. I just sit here and cry all night. I try to call him, but I just start sobbing because I can't understand how he doesn't miss me one bit. I'm sure he blames me for the separation, but I told him I preferred to stay together but marry, fix house, buy new house, SOMETHING.... something had to change. So why now up until the day I moved he was still lovey dovey, but now it's like I never existed? He doesn't care about me at all. Now I wonder if he ever did.

 

I'm sorry this is long, but I have no one to talk to. My sister is too busy, and my mom is starting to suffer more severe symptoms from Alzheimer's. I feel like I lost so much at once, the man I love, my son (he's still there most of the time right now), my mom.... it's just all gone. My friends and family are so happy for me because they love my house, but nobody knows how sad I am. They don't understand how much I hurt. I thought I would cut my wrists last night. I had the knife in my hand all night and took it to bed with me. I think I could do it. I feel so lonely and forgotten and unwanted... will these feelings ever pass?

[hopelessromantic29]

Please do not hurt urself for ur sons sake! Omg woman! Pull it together! You've got so much going for you to think that way. If he's making you unhappy, you need to leave. He should be bothered that you are unhappy, but he doesn't seem phased at all. I think you need to give him space n do ur thing n see if he comes around. If he doesn't, you definitely should be thankful that you never married him bc a man that inconsiderate of ur feelings does not deserve you!

[JD1977]

DON'T DO IT!!!!!! Call a help line or let a friend know how bad it really is! Sometimes it helps to just talk! You son NEEDS you, even if you can't see it now. He needs you to show him how strong you are! You are in a fog right now, but it takes a lot of courage after all these years to stand on your own two feet, and decide you deserve better, and you did it!! Some times it just sucks to just wade through the crap your in but keep your head up, and plow through! And keep posting!

[Steen719]

Well, some positive things are that you bought your own house, mustered what it took to do this, have a job and a son and you posted here to get some help. As another poster said, call a help line if you feel suicidal again and I think you should go see a counselor soon to help you sort out your feelings.

 

You know you did the right thing if you tried and could not live with what he has been like for years. You should not have to live like you did, duct taping holes to keep mice out; not if you were both working and could afford to fix the house. I'm sure it never felt like your home.

 

Listen, you will feel better. Really, you will. I cried and cried and cried a river. I sobbed sometimes and I was the one to leave. I felt awful for a few months. My XH was not faithful to me and it still felt terrible that he immediately (well actually sooner!) turned to someone else and acted as if our 23 years together meant absolutely nothing. When I talked to him and would start crying, he would say "well, you left". Well, that was true, but he was so cold. So, I know your pain.

 

As long as I had contact with him by talking on the phone or seeing him, I had bad days and nights. When I only emailed when I absolutely had to and did not answer the phone calls, I started feeling better. You will, too. Don't call him, don't be in touch with him unless you have to be.

 

Your son will be there with you soon since school starts right around the corner. That will help; it really will. My son was home from college for the summer and it helped me tremendously. Just having the other person in your home helps.

 

Call your sister. You say she is too busy? If she knew how much you hurt, I bet she would help you. Call a friend to go out to a movie or to dinner. I work out of the house now as well as online, but when this happened, I just worked online and so I was in a new apartment (from a house) and I was miserable. I made myself a promise that I would go anywhere I was asked to go and I did. I even went to a Dr. appointments with a friend, but it got me out. I went to a divorce support group and I called friends and family. They were unbelievable gracious and let me go on and on and cry; all of the time telling me that it would get better and that I was a work in progress.

 

My divorce was in Oct. and I moved out the following January at the end of the month. July was 6 months. There is NO comparison as to how I felt from May 2011 to now. I am so much better. I am sad sometimes still and I would be lying if I said the fact that he moved on so fast didn't still bother me, but not as much by far and when I spend some time thinking what she got, oh well..she has a problem on her hands.

 

You will feel better. You will feel better. Please believe that and keep posting. Call your sister and call a friend. Get out your pain. Cry until you are so tired, you sleep. Really, it gets better. {{{{GREAT BIG HUGS}}}}

[shiftman]

First off, you don't have to apologize for anything. We are all here because we have things that we need to talk about. By doing so, other posters can see that they are not alone in their troubles and that there is support available.

 

In my opinion, your partner has had the best of both worlds for way too long. He enjoys the positive attributes of married life, without the responsibility that goes with it. This has gone on for far too long.

 

Do not read too much into your son's dilema. I can tell you from experience that lack of motivation in our young people is a generational thing. I think that a lot of it stems from parents - like myself- who provided way too much to their kids from a material standpoint, thus allowing them to enjoy the fruits of their labor, without requiring them to provide the labor.

 

My suggestion to you would be to simply relax a bit. I realize that this isn't that easy to do, but I feel confident that you can do it.

 

Remember this: suicide is nothing more than a permanent solution to a temporary problem..........

[Cb3657]

I really hope you can change your perspective on this, you did nothing wrong, I am a man and when I see these man boys who are more scared of getting married than having a child it kinda pisses me off. Dont they realize the commitment they already made? This person sounds like a arrested development mommas boy, I assure you that no matter your age or what you look like you can do better. He sounds like he's playing a control game, go completely nc, find a hobby, find some friends, you will come out better, and then when you see him you will be stronger,happier and can ask him - How's your mom?

[the ill-made knight]

I agree with everything everyone else has said and I also want to add this;

 

You need to love yourself more than you love this man. You need to love your son more than you love this man as well. Contemplating killing yourself and all the dreams you have given up over the years for this man signifies that you do not.

 

With that said, you have made a tremendous first step and I applaud you. Make another by seeking out some counseling. There is no shame in seeking help through this transition.

[toosad]

Sorry for the delay, but thank you all for responding. I'm not so sad anymore. My son has been staying here a lot and seems really happy about the move. He and his dad came over Sunday and helped with a few things around the house, and then we all went to lunch like old times. I still want to remain friends, esp. for our son's sake. I just won't expect too much else.

 

I know in my heart I did the right thing for my son and me. I guess I should be thankful he never married me, because I don't think it would have mattered. He will never change. I don't know what the future will bring, but at least I feel like I have one now. I think I was just existing before.

 

Oh, I'm 45, but told I look much younger and have always stayed in great shape. I get asked out quite often (no wedding ring). Maybe I will accept a date one of these days... I wonder what he'll think of that...

 

PS: Steen, our situations do have some similarities. I am glad you are doing better. HUGS to you too...