badly abused by bf's friends

[Leigh 87]

I have had some really terribly trouble with my boyfriends mates, or " ex mates" now.

 

I was completely socially isolated for 5 - 6 years prior to meeting Andrew, so when I first met him and in the first year or so, I was a little socially off; I simply HAD NOT BEEN around PEOPLE at all! I am NOT a horrible, boring, inappropriate, awful person with a cr@ppy personality AT ALL - I had just had an ILLNESS that caused me to not be around people!

 

His mates just thought I was weird and did not like me. What's more, they talked behind my back about how ugly I was and how Andrew, my bf, could do better, and some even said they could not believe he could sleep with me.

I have perfect teeth, clear skin, nice full lips, big big blue eyes, and long blonde hair. I have a large forhead and have a normal, pleasant face shape. I am 130 lbs and 5 ' 6 with a VERy curvy body, and am normally thinner. I AM NOT ugly to MOST people; average at worst. There is NOTHING inherently ugly about me, although I am not everyones cup of tea... Hideously ugly like his mates purport me to be, is just NOT something anyone ELSE agrees withoutside of his group of mates.... You know, there are no large groups if friends who would ALl find me to be HIDEOUS, at least not very often!

Andrew has hooked up with MUCH lesser attractive girls than me; although I bet his mates made fun of them, too. Because they are HORRIBLE people. truly, they are... What positive, happy person with a drive and passin for LIFE, has TIME to sit and talk about how ugly another human being is?:sick::sick:

 

 

 

 

... One of his guy mates broke up with a long term girlfriend. Both the girl and guy were best mates with Andrew my bf: that night, the guy who brike up with the girl was crying, uspet, screaming to her over the phone. I was in the kitchen, told him if he wanted to talk calmy and just chat about things, I would gladly sit down and talk. He sounded very pleased that i was nice enough to be concerned for his well being, and to just sit and listen to him. Which I did, happily. I am a very nice girl, I gladly sit down with people I barly know, if they are in distress, just to comfort them and do what I can.

 

He learnt forward and tried to kiss me at one point. Ibacked off, and he imemdiately said " sorry, it was a total mistake, I do not want to lose Andrew over this too, I cannot handle losing a 14 year firendship PLZ DO NOT TELL HIm I beg you" He even got me to pinky promise LOL...

So OF COURSE I told Andrew! I TRIED to keep it secret, that his BEST mate of 14 years tried to kiss me while ANdrew was in the other room sleeping.... Andrew naturally was very p*ssed off, and CHOSE to not talk to that guy again. I DID NOT force him to not talk to him again.

 

Recently though, he got offered a half price plane ticket to Thailand in South East Asia. That guy happened to be there, before my boyfriend knew about it. He already paid for the ticket before he found out this guy was going.

Whilst there, there were only couples, so Andrew paird off a few times with that mean guy a lot. He was civil to him to keep the peace, but had no interest of making him his close friend, or even friend again.

That guy, however, had other ideas.

 

That guy unfortunately though that, since Andrew was being buddies with him on the trip, that he did NOT love me at all, and was more than happy to be mates with a guy who had called me severely ugly, a Sl*t , and tramp who cracked onto HIM.. That;s right, he tells people I am the one who tried to kiss HIM:sick::sick: And he thinks my boyfriend is FRIENDS with him bcause he was nice to him on the trip.

 

On facebook recently he hd another go at me! There was a funny picture, of those two on elephants; it looked like the guy was touching my boyrfriends provate parts, it looked SO funny, and no one noticed, so I commented " LOL, has no one noticed that picture? haha"

Not surprisingly, the guy retorted back " dickhe ad Leigh:)" . to which I responded " look mate, good luck with trying to get Andrew to talk to you again".

I KNOW I should of taken the high road, the better path, and NOT even responded. BUT I WAS ANGRY and SICK of people thinking they can say HORRIBLE things to me, and expect my boyfriend to sit back and NOT CARE WHEN PEOPLE SERIOUSLY INSULT HIS GIRLFRIEND.

 

So then this guy messages me privately on facebook, abusing me, telling me how putrid and disgusting I am, and how Andrew and him are still mates, and they Andrew would never stick up for me and pick me over him.

I should not have responded, but I did, I was actually nice to him. I said " look, Andrew loves me and hence he does not want to go being mates with people who insult me for NO reason"I then went on to say " sorry we got off to such a bad start, I was socially isolated and in hospital folr 5 years before meeting Andrew, so I am sorry if I said or did anything that was off. But I am a nice person, that has NEVER ONCE done anything MEAN to you"

Of course, he still responded with more abuse, telling me how Andrew does not love or respect me, and would NEVER stick up for me, and always pick him over me....:sick:

He seriously does NOT believe ANdrew remotely loves me, and he thinks people can abuse me, and that Andrew will gladly accept it, not defend me, and be mates with them.

 

My parter is very laid back. He has never once had any problems with anyone, until I came along. Andrew is a guy EVERY ONE LIKES, therefore Andrew can not often SEE peoples true colours, because they are nice to HIM. he was always in the cool group growing up.

to Andrew, he showed this guy he was not cool with things, but immediately not talking to him or responding to his millions of texts after the first incident happened. Andrew takes theh igh road, and responds to peopel who are awful to me, by GOING NO CONTACT with them.

 

He did tell this guy on another occasion when they bumped into each other at their mutual friends bachelors party, that " look, don't say sh*t about Leigh around me okay she is my girlfriend blablabla". He said " oh, I am so sorry, it is all good, I have no issue with leigh".

HE LIES. Just like last night, andrew rang him asking him wtf is with him, and he said " sorry, so sorry I get really carried away when I am angry".

............Immediately after the call, he sends me another abusive message.

 

 

 

 

......... The girl, who was grlfriends with this horrible guy also abused me in the same way! Telling me I cracked onto/made moves on her ex ( when HE was honestly the one who leaned in and kissed me I PROMISE:sick:) And that I am WAY too ugly for ANY guy in their social circle to consider a dating prospect. She sent me LONG, VERY ABUSIVE facebook messages, about how ugly I was, and how Andrew does not love me and is not attracted to me.

She also destroyed my property ( my phone I left at her house) and blamed me for flooding her bathroom and messing up and wrecking her house. When really, I arrived there, the place was a MESS ( because of someone else obviously!), and yet she blamed me, and broke my phone. When all I did was go back and sleep there, because my partner and i went out with the GUY she was with, and all came back there; come on, I am not going to walk 4 hours home in the dark, without my boyfriend, cos she is too PETTy to let me stay in the spare room with my BOYFRIEND.

She never told me not to go there before hand, and I never DID anything sligtly nasty to her to make me THINK she would ban me from her house!

 

 

 

 

......... I am so upset:mad::(

 

Ever since Andrew got home from his trip, he realised what a mierable time he had and was traumatized at how he had to go to hospital and fell very ill, without me by his side. He could not even watch the hangover two with me, as it was based in Thailand, and he started to cry and feel really upset; HE IS NOT A GUY WHO EVER CRIES. Not easily!

Since getting home, he has been constantly by my side, he spends days in bed hugging me and not wanting to let me go, and tells me most hours how he wants to marry me and be with me fo the rest of his life.

I am a very kind and lovely girlfriend to him too we both want to be very happy together, however, it is saddening that when we get engaged NOT ONE SINGLE ONE of his mates will say " congratulations, Andrew".

He will get engaged to me, marry me, and not have ANY of his mates happy for him:(:(

 

Furthermore, his dad does not think highly of me. I am studying and have not had time to find a job yet whilst studying, and his dad thinks I am sort of stupid, and since I am not working in a career orientated job yet ( ya know, cos I s anorexic and in hospital and had to dely my career and all'), he thinks badly of me fornot being at work daily with a career. NOT THAT HIS SON IS DOING THIS HIMSELF.

His sister also dislikes me. I mean, neither his father nor sister DISLIKES me entirely, but they are not AT ALL sold on me, and would NOT be happy or supportive of Andrew getting married to me.

I feel like we basically have to keep it a SECRET, because EVERY ONE he knows will think he is making a mistake!:( Or just be idifferent and not care in the best case scenario.

 

NO ONE outside of his family or friends dislikes me. I started study, and every one likes me int he class; because I AM NICE. Easy going, fun, and kind. NOT EVERY ONE is best friend with me in my study group, but every one at least thinks I am very nice, will happily be nice to me, and most peopple are actually friends with me.

 

The issue was, I acted strange at first and said and did some annoying, socially aborant things when I FIRST met Andrew. I simply did not know any BETTEr, because I was in HOSPITAL for years on and off!

However, I HAVE taken responsibility; I saw a therapist for ages, and pciked up on peoples spcial cues, and am not relatively normal.. I do nothing out od the ordinary socially speaking. I have a spark about me too: a few people REALLY, REALLY like me that meet me, most think I am lovely and nice, and the very worst cases are of people who are really horrible and socially devient themselves. Normal people all tend to like me. without fail.

And I have worked REALLY, REALLY hard to socialize myself! I PUSHED myself to go in public every day, when had never been around people in many years! I just got on with it, went out in public, made seriously bad mistakes, and learnt! I AM TRYNG MY BEST. And it is finally working, after some mishaps initially.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am just devastated about my partners friends. One group of them gave me another chance; I was weird at first, did a few thing that made them not warm to me, but in the end they saw me, talked to me again, and realized yes, I had issues and still do, but I was fundamentally a EALLY ncie girl, who they now like and think is funny, interesting, and fun to be around.

ONE group/lot of his mates will support and be happy for him if we marry. One guy even came up to me and said " you and Andrew are a good couple and I wish you well".

 

 

 

BE RIGHT BACK, Andrew is in bed and wants me to come and hug him:(

 

I honestly feel traumatized and numb to his feelings right now! I am REALLY put off, scared, and affected badly by his ex friends abuse.

[Leigh 87]

Just to be clear, I never said or did anything nasty or mean to a single one of his friends - all I did was, initially I was a tad socially deviant.... Because I was socially isolated for 5 years. That is why Andrew was with me, actually - he set out to HELP me, once he knew about me past. THAT is why we met! He is a social guy, who really wished to HELP me.

He ended up liking me more than a friend, and here we are almost two years later. Still, at least two of his EX mates would simply NOT believe he could possibly love me; they literally thought I was too ugly for him to be sexually attracted to me. They had no idea why he was with me, and honestly did not believe he loved or even liked me much. They honestly did not believe Andrew could be sexually into me, let alone love or care about me.

 

How funny, I saw one of the guys who participated in calling me ugly and stupid (a guy who had only ever said HI to me, by the way), I saw him later on, months later, and he tried to say hi to me. I told him " look, I think your a horrible person, after what you have said about me, I don't want to have any further conversationwith you".

to which he retorted " I am so sorry Leigh, your beautiful seriously, I had issues before and it was wrong of me to act the way I did, your honestly an attractive girl, I have been to councelling since last time, sorry blabalbablaaaah".

It was a house party. He kept asking me to flash my tits at him. :sick: And before the whole ugly name calling started months ago, when he first met me, he asked to have threesomes with me with my boyfriend, and he stood and watched my bf and I fool around one night! I looked up and HE WAS STANDING IN THE DOORWAY:sick::sick: Effing CREEP with NO dignity!

Ironic how he went on tel call me ugly!

 

ANOTHER one of Andrews mates, un related to that old group, once tried to have sex with me, when HIS GIRLFRIEND who was PREGANT with his child, was in THE SAME ROOM!!!!!!!!!!

I did NOTHING. We wer all dancing, I danced with him in a way that was innocent on my half, and yet he thought it was an invitation to have SEX with him?!?!?!?!

He repeadedly asked me to have sex with him.. this is one of my boyfriends OLDEST friends! Who my boyfriend also knows is a little bit of a dead beat, to be honest! No morels and tries to hook up with every girl; single or NOT....

I tried to escape down the staires, but he followed me to the bedroom, and tried to take off my dress; he told me Andrew did not care about me, and would only hurt me.

Andrew walked in, and told him that he better leave... He was like " WTF".

Of course, I rang the girlfriend of this LOSER the next day, just to say " look, I do now really know you, but I want to tell you that I did nothing out of order, and I am so sorry if it looked like I did, based on what your boyfriend had told you".

She told me " I apperciate the phone call Leigh, really, because I was really P*ssed at you".

We ended amiably enough. I did nothing wrong, but stil wanted to call her, just to make sure she knew what was going on, and that she was okayw ith everything.

 

 

 

 

 

Like, REALLY!>!>!> I am actually incredibly put off my all of this business with my boyfriends friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

 

It has been REALLY distressing for me to have to go through this!

 

I mean jesus, ALL I did as try to get over a serious mental illness, I went from being socially isolated to being around people, and SO SORRY I made mistakes, I mean WHO DOES manage to overcome all the problems perfectly every single time? No one is a robot who can overcome all their problems with NO mistakes.

 

And I am totally fine NOW around people. Shame people are quick to judge!

[Leigh 87]

HELP please guys, I am really traumatized!!! I am a person who loves life, and I am very positive and happy most of the time! I am so happy to be alive and healthy, that there are SO many great things to do with my day, that I simply DO NOT HAVE TIME to say nasty things about people! I see NO point in saying something, if you do not have something nice to say!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am honestly a really lovely person. I have good morels, high integrity, and I am proud of who I am. I am nice, fun, and people who meet me now, mostly tend to like me.

A person like me DOES NOT like confrontation! I mean, if you have a problem with me, the DECENT thing to do would be to come to ME and say " look Leigh, I have an issue with you" and tell me what their problem is. Instead, people go behind my back and tallk about what an ugly, disgusting person I am!:sick:

I AM SO MUCH BETTER than these people, yet I am still comletely in deisbelief and shock surrounding the most recent attack.

 

It really upsets Andrew too.. When I met him at the airport, I felt the need to cover my face up with my scarf, because that awful guy who thinks I am the most ugly girl he has met, was there. I literally feel ashamed to show FACE to him and at least 3 other of Andrews friends:mad:

I had bloody anorexia, so I think it is utterly disgusting how some of his mates have called me a fat ugly and disgusting person:(

[kaylan]

I have to keep wondering why you are in this relationship. I personally dont think its going to last. Theres always drama. Too many red flags for me.

 

1. The whole lop sided threesome issue that we all know about.

 

2. These shady ass friends that he seems to have. I think it says a lot that he hangs around such characters who act this way towards him and you. Ive not known relationships to last when either party has friends like this.

 

3. Going to Thailand to pal around with friends. No offense...but most of us know why Western men typically go to south east Asia. And given the situation in number 1, I wouldnt be surprised if he has some side fun.

 

Personally with all the drama that comes with this guy, and considering your own issues that people here have talked to you about, I think you need to be single and separate from this guy for a while. Everything that comes with him just seems greatly unhealthy in my book.

 

PS - People would be more apt to help if you did a better job summarizing your posts just a tad. One long post is generally cool, but you always tend to add another post or two immediately after a prior lengthy post...and then its like "god this is a lot to read". And then I read it and think "she totally could have shortened this". Just saying.

Edited August 25, 2012 by kaylan

[irin]

okay i did not read this post, but are you really still in this relationship? why do stick around people who abuse you, bullying should end after school, your letting his friends abuse you.

 

even if BF so great, i hate to say but the Kind of people we Call friends say alot about us, the fact he was or is friends with those people say alot about his character, i know i wouldn't stick around people if their mean to even strangers, let alone someone i love. i would cut them out of my life, were adults now this isnt school and teenage years, were bullying i common.

[Anela]

I'm so pissed reading this - pissed for you! ♥

 

I can relate to both the isolation for years, and someone trying it on with you, and then lying to the person they suddenly realize they could lose, because they had to be a lying, cheating, manipulative arsehole. They can't keep it in their pants, but you can't possibly expect them to own that (according to them).

 

He crossed the line, he screwed up, you do NOT have to explain yourself to him. Ever.

 

I don't know if your boyfriend speaks to this guy, or still ignores him, but of course he's going to try to make trouble. My sister's boyfriend was trying to chat me up, wanted to get into bed with me, etc... I walked away, and tried to avoid him for the rest of the time he was here (some years back). Three weeks later, he started a huge fight, all because I was avoiding him. It didn't matter that I was up all night with a sick dog, and that he was here to be with MY SISTER - he knew he'd screwed up, but he'd lied to my sister about what happened. I found out that he'd been mean to her for a couple of days before the blow-up - I could have ripped him apart, but was polite, too (as polite as you can be when yelling). He has continued to cause trouble, knowing that my sister will choose him over her family, every single time, so I'm in a bit of a different position to you, but similar motivations with the pieces of excrement in human form, that start all of this in the first place.

[KatZee]

I have to keep wondering why you are in this relationship. I personally dont think its going to last. Theres always drama. Too many red flags for me.

 

1. The whole lop sided threesome issue that we all know about.

 

2. These shady ass friends that he seems to have. I think it says a lot that he hangs around such characters who act this way towards him and you. Ive not known relationships to last when either party has friends like this.

 

3. Going to Thailand to pal around with friends. No offense...but most of us know why Western men typically go to south east Asia. And given the situation in number 1, I wouldnt be surprised if he has some side fun.

 

Personally with all the drama that comes with this guy, and considering your own issues that people here have talked to you about, I think you need to be single and separate from this guy for a while. Everything that comes with him just seems greatly unhealthy in my book.

 

PS - People would be more apt to help if you did a better job summarizing your posts just a tad. One long post is generally cool, but you always tend to add another post or two immediately after a prior lengthy post...and then its like "god this is a lot to read". And then I read it and think "she totally could have shortened this". Just saying.

 

Agree with this entire post, especially the last paragraph... to which I will then add...

 

There are always two sides to every story. Every single thread I've read of yours on here comes off as "I'm the victim! Help, help!" They also then get progressively more compulsive, obsessive, and extremely overbearing.

 

I know you say you're "awkward" or "have no social skills" and in the next sentence you say you're "so nice" and then you say that no one likes you, his friends don't like you, his family doesn't like you...

 

I am kind of interested in knowing what kind of impression you give off, and how you present yourself to other people. People don't just dislike people for no reason. People don't lash out for no reason. If you were a truly genuinely, nice, caring person... these things wouldn't be happening. I feel like all of us here are only getting snippets of what is really going on.

 

Maybe you are nice but you present yourself in a way that others find off-putting, or repulsive. Maybe you need some deeper introspection, which by the way you said you were getting into therapy. Has that happened yet?

[Leigh 87]

I totally understand you, Kaylan, and thanks for your pointers regarding my posting style. I am actually very distressed right now and frantically was posting to keep me occupied:( But I do need to clean up my posting style.. I am not stupid and do not want to come across as such.

 

I understand why it looks very bad, our whole relationship... I never say anything about the fact we are together every day, and are always very happy in each others company. We have a very special relationship, the way we are together is constantly laughing, having fun, and we brighten each others days SO much.

We feel 100 times bright when we are together, and we feel like a part of ourselves are missing when we are apart.

 

The whole threesome thing is very messed up! Look, I want you to know the true story of it all. It is not as simple of him not loving me or even likeing me, and hence needing hookers in order to be with me.

 

I got with him, and thought being with one girl forever was boring and unecessary, and told him to have other girls. Neither of us wanted to settle down, so I told him that until he knew he wanted to marry me, to do as he pleased but to be safe. After all, I was mentally ill, and only wanted to have FUN. Casual fun with a guy I liked. NOTHING serious.

 

He said he was not able to do that, to hook up with girls and go through kissing and being intimate... Therefore I told him to try hookers. As there is no foreplay and intimacy required. He refused most of my offers, but I was adamant that I was not enough for him, and insisted he get a hooker. He surcumbed twice, at my insistance. He never initiated ot ASKED for it. He seriously was alloud to hook up with whomeever he wanted, but chose not to. He has vacationed without me in hot babe hot spots, on two occasions...! I checked through his phone messages, facebook, just to check if this was a guy who was into me or not. he di dnot cheat once.

 

He came back from Thailand. I told him to have hookers as usual. he did. but he burst out cryingthis time....telling me that my idea of him having hookers really messed him up, that he could not do it again, and it made him feel dirty and disgusting; that while he was with them, he realized that meaningless sex was just not doing anything for him, because being intimate with a girl you have feelings for is just so much better and on a whole other level. Meaningless sex no longer did anything for him, besides from make him want to have sex with me.

He said it was messed up how I forced him to try hookers out. I had issues, and he wanted to stay and help me through them more, and that he wanted to get engaged and spend the rest of his life with me. He said he care sso much about me, and wants to help me battle through my self esteem issues.

I personally think he is crazy and tell him we should cool it off until I have a higher sense of self esteem and worth. Yet he will honestly NOt leave; when apart, all he thinks about is ME, and how much he wants to be with me.

 

It is easy for you to sit back and assume he does not love me, because he ran around with hookers; but he claims he DOES indeed love me very much, and on his own accord, decided to STOP with the hookers.

He was very much into hookers when he was growing up, as he preffered being mates with girls, and not having to try to hook up with them. He hated beng sleezy like some men and like a player. He had a lot of money, and therefore chose hookers, as he thought it enabled him to be really nice to girls and not risk ruining a friendship due to trying to hook up with them

 

Please, I do not need to hear that he certainly does not love or care about me. Because it is utterly confusing, when he is here, showing me how much he loves me, telling me EVERY HOUR, several times, how I am his darling, his love, the girl for him, how he wants to be with me for ther est of his life.

 

It just confuses me when people assume he does not love me when he tells me the opposite and cannot seam to go more than half an hour without telling me how much he loves me.

 

It.. is just.. CONFUSING.

[Leigh 87]

Agree with this entire post, especially the last paragraph... to which I will then add...

 

There are always two sides to every story. Every single thread I've read of yours on here comes off as "I'm the victim! Help, help!" They also then get progressively more compulsive, obsessive, and extremely overbearing.

 

I know you say you're "awkward" or "have no social skills" and in the next sentence you say you're "so nice" and then you say that no one likes you, his friends don't like you, his family doesn't like you...

 

I am kind of interested in knowing what kind of impression you give off, and how you present yourself to other people. People don't just dislike people for no reason. People don't lash out for no reason. If you were a truly genuinely, nice, caring person... these things wouldn't be happening. I feel like all of us here are only getting snippets of what is really going on.

 

Maybe you are nice but you present yourself in a way that others find off-putting, or repulsive. Maybe you need some deeper introspection, which by the way you said you were getting into therapy. Has that happened yet?

 

 

 

 

No. Without a doubt, I am an extremely nice and genuine person! Sorry., but I was brought up with the most lovely set of parents! They taught me well - if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it: do not waste your life bitching and speaking badly of people: do not lie steal or manipulate people....

Really. I AM nice. I have a heart of gold. I have absolutely NO illintend towards anyone. I am most happy when I give back through helping out charities, and when I make other people feel good.

Hence why I am still with my boyfriend - because I love him, and also because he is made SO happy by the nice way I take care of him. he would be devastated if I left, even though I am at my wits end about his friends...

 

 

 

I will try to give you the best idea possible of h is mates and their reasons for not liking me. I will try my best here....

Okay. I went from SOCIAL ISOLATION for about 5 - 6 years. I was RARELY around people. I had NO friends. I had anorexia and was inside my house all the time, besides the gym, and... shopping. I literally had not one single friend, because I kept to myself.

 

Now, I went from being socially isolated and physically ill, to deciding that I am so much better then that; I have a lot to offer in life, and do not want to be sick anymore.

I started eating more, and decided to try to make friends. I moved to a new town to start my life over again.

I AM NOT a victim! Sorry for alluding to it, but really, what I mean to say, was that I acted weird socially, because I WAS socially isolated for YEARS! I am not some awful, off putting person in real life AT ALL; but when I first brought myself around people in public, it WAS totally NEw to me, so I think it is totally normal to be a little awkward after not having any people around you for years at a time!

 

Being a victim is the LAST thing I want to be! I have tried SO hard to go out there, start studying, and make friends. And I HAVE. However, I did NOT just change overnight!

I did not go from being socially isolated for years, to being a social butterfly!

 

I do not know why this is a bad thing: to go from social isolation, to trying to change that by seeking therapy and trying to make friends, and then failing at first at getting everything right socially..

I think it is totally normal and to be expected, of a person to try a new thing AND FAIL a few times! I sure as hell did! My thing I tried at happened to be with people.

[Leigh 87]

So at first, his mates disliked me because:

 

- they were loud, sociall butterflies, always out and around friends on a daily basis: where as I was socially isolated for 5 - 6 years, and had only JUST made the desision to get out there in public, and try to meet friends.

 

- They felt I was not " one of them"

 

- They thought I was really ugly and unnattractive and my bf could do better ( most people who meet me say I am attractive. I have never had an issue getting decent guys, and I have never had anyone ELSE besised the people EVER call me ugly in my adult life...)

 

- I was shy and socially different from them.

 

 

Look, I have done my best to go from social isolation, to being out there in the world with people.

 

I am actually an extremely social person! I am finally at ease around people, after 1.5 years of trying SO hard. I have honestly tried my BEST to better myself, rather than be a victim and go around saying " no one likes me".

 

I am in a place now where I am loud, happy, social, funny, and most people I meet like me a lot. I finally met people through studying. It took me 1.5 years to learn how to be around people socially.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Leigh, It sucks to see you in this state because you seem so out of control and vulnerable, It's like you're a whirlwind in a dining room filled with fine china and you just get the sense of all the plates and tea cups crashing and breaking.

 

When you feel this way you really have to just breathe and gather your thoughts and try not to impulsively react...i think it's good to write and express your feelings, it works well for me too and is even therapeutic I'd say, but try and gather and collect your thoughts while in a calm state and really articulate yourself in a more concise way...sometimes what i do is write how I feel in an empty notepad then after I'm done I delete it because that's all I needed, was to get my thoughts and feelings off of me.

 

You don't have to justify yourself so much in a redundant way...most of us know how you are and we know you're a nice person who has honest intentions and means well. This whole situation with your relationship always seems on edge in spite of you reassuring us and yourself that everything is ok.

 

You should be able to communicate with Andrew and express how you feel and resolve these issues with him...that's what relationships are for. Telling us isn't going to get you any results especially since you already know how a lot of us feel from your posts in the past, we don't want to keep throwing advice down a black hole or our opinions If you have your mind made up anyway.

 

Your BF should be more supportive and shouldn't be associating and putting yourself in situations where your friends are threatening you, criticizing you, or judging you. He needs to be on your side and support you, these don't sound like good people and If he's friends with them it begs the question, why? You speak too much on the behalf of your BF as well, you have to stop trying to convince the world, no one and nothing is ever going to make you feel completely justified and satisfied If you want everyone to like you and agree with you, that's just life for everyone.

 

You have to take care of yourself and think of you first, don't go around these people who dislike, don't put yourself in situations around them, if not for your mental health and stability, this really isn't good for you and you have to be at place where you can just roll your eyes at people and not care rather than fight to defend yourself or even worse try and prove to these people who already have their minds made up about you or are just being mean that you are a nice person. You are not a mean person from anything I've ever seen you write or say, stop letting people who are just trying to take jabs at you affect you emotionally, you don't need their approval and your BF should support and defend you in this.

[Anela]

 

I am kind of interested in knowing what kind of impression you give off, and how you present yourself to other people. People don't just dislike people for no reason. People don't lash out for no reason. If you were a truly genuinely, nice, caring person... these things wouldn't be happening. I feel like all of us here are only getting snippets of what is really going on.

 

Some do, and these things do happen.

[KatZee]

Some do, and these things do happen.

 

There is ALWAYS a reason... whether she knows it or not.

 

It could be something as stupid as girls being jealous, or it could be her boyfriend's friends looking out for him and thinking she's not good enough. There's never NOT a reason.

[Anela]

 

Being a victim is the LAST thing I want to be! I have tried SO hard to go out there, start studying, and make friends. And I HAVE. However, I did NOT just change overnight!

I did not go from being socially isolated for years, to being a social butterfly!

 

I do not know why this is a bad thing: to go from social isolation, to trying to change that by seeking therapy and trying to make friends, and then failing at first at getting everything right socially..

I think it is totally normal and to be expected, of a person to try a new thing AND FAIL a few times! I sure as hell did! My thing I tried at happened to be with people.

 

And in this way, you have a great attitude! You've written about how you've done your best to work on yourself, both inside and out, more than once.

[eleanorhurting]

Sometimes people do dislike people for stupid reasons.

 

For example, there is this girl who a lot of my friends are friends with and she dislikes me. She makes it clear. She makes it a point to say something subtle but mean when I talk, she ignores me, etc.

 

Why? Because of something that happened between me and one of her guy friends almost 2 years ago!

 

I sincerely do not believe that this gives this girl the right to treat me like crap. I tried at first to prove myself to be good and worthy but you know what? i have decided to stop caring. I don't need to prove myself to her or to anyone.

 

And you don't need to prove yourself to be nice and good and all the things I am sure you are Leigh.

[Anela]

There is ALWAYS a reason... whether she knows it or not.

 

It could be something as stupid as girls being jealous, or it could be her boyfriend's friends looking out for him and thinking she's not good enough. There's never NOT a reason.

 

I agree with this, but you made it sound as though this was all on her shoulders, in your last comment. I agree: I was bullied for years, and I don't even know why. I thought that I was too ugly to be seen, too nasty to be liked, let alone loved.. I isolated myself for the reason I just mentioned, and because I needed to in order to survive (I was suicidal). This has also happened in recent years, amongst people who have long been out of school.

 

Some of us are seen as an easy mark, for some reason. I was polite, I rarely argued, I was a good kid, and all of that continued into adulthood. Now, I'm more like Scrappy-Doo. I won't take that anymore.

[kaylan]

I wouldnt date a woman who insisted I sleep with filthy hookers. And he cries over it? You know what, Im done seeing him as the bad guy. (hes stupid for going along with the hooker thing tho) I think your both bad here and you are clearly not good from him, nor is he for you.

 

The guy clearly cares about you yet you send him off to these whores because of your own insecurity and issues. And you wonder why he friends and family dont like you? Why does he need to break down emotionally before you notice that maybe you are doing some things that hurt him and that his loved ones may really dislike?

 

I agree with KatZee. The people in his life most likely notice huge red flags about you and thats why they behave the way they do. I dont think thats gonna change. I agree that you need to be objective and see why it is people respond the way they do to you.

 

I may be wrong, but thats what Im now feeling about this whole relationship. Its grossly unhealthy, and I think you are simply ruining your boyfriends respect for you little by little with all this drama. Soon he will get sick of it.

 

I would think you two should be sick of each others drama already. As I said, I just dont think you two fit. This relationship doesnt seem stable to me.

Edited August 25, 2012 by kaylan

[Leigh 87]

This is so hard for me. My boyfriend is snuggling in bed, begging me to come back to hug him; he constantly tells me how much he loves me and how happy I make him.

Yet I feel a deep saddnesss lately, because his family and friends do not approve of me.

No one is happy for him. No one is happy that he is happy. Oh - about 4 of his mates are happy that he is happy. They think I am a nice girl. They have forgiven me for being socially off, because they have been around me after I f8cked up, and seen I am actually a very nice and fun person to be around.

His father and sister do not know me, but his dad thinks I am not that great because I do not work in a job ( I am currently studying and already have a set career path, which indludes going back and finishing my degree too)

LITTLE TO THEY KNOW that I am the ONLY COMFORT he has since his mothers death! I AM THE ONE who hugs him EVERY DAY when he is distressed about her death and needs someone to hold him.

They have NO idea how well I look after him! THEY sure as hell don't, I DO.:sick:

 

He is NOT friends with that guy anymore. He called me the worlds ugliest sl*t who tried to kiss HIM:sick: HE SAID I TRIED TO KISS HIM! LOL:sick:

Andrew reacted by ignoring him after 14 years of friendship.

Both the guy and his ex girlfriend abused me via facebook and phone. Andrew reacted by ignoring them after 14 years of friendship. He brifely told them they were idiots.

My issue is - I believe if a guy is truly in love, he will vehemently disagree and ATTACK anyone who is nasty to their partner!

If a person is nasty to a girl, a guy who loves her should IMMEDIATELY go " how dare you talk to me girlfriend like that, I love her, stay the heck away from me".

However, Andrew was good mates with these people for several years, and never saw the bad side of them; sure, he knew they were bitchy and nasty to some people, but he NEVER saw them unfairly be so nasty to a very nice girl like me. It was a LOT for him to take in - his good friends of years, were inrecibly nasty people...

 

It took its toll on Andrew; his best mates turned into @ssholes to the girl he liked.

He was a little flustered and confused at first... He just called them up, told them they were idiots for what they said to me, and that he was seriusly angry at them. He then proceeded to never talk to them again.

These are people who made fun of the way I looked in the worst,most offensive way possible, called me a stupid no hoper with no prospects, made fun of me for dropping out of Uni ( due to having an eating disorder), and said MANY worse things to me.

 

I may have been a little socially off, but I never did anything nasty. I have never been anything but friendly.

I DID NOT deserve to be treated this way; abused verbally, and made fun of just because they do not like the way that I look.

When the people who said it were not oil paintings themselves! 98% of people would find me more attractive than all the people who have abused me and made fun of the way that I look. They are NOt attarctive people, yet I would never make fun of them for it or even talk to people I know, and make fun of the way they look! The girl who made themost fun of the way I looked is very unnatractive so I find it SO ironic!

 

I think they are delluded, as no one else thinks I am butt ugly, to the point of actually telling my boyfriend I am not good enough for him; In fact, all my friends and even my own mum tell me Andrew has done WELL to get ME! So his friends have been the ONLY people to make fun of the way that I look.

Sorry, but they are bullies. What ADULT has the time of day to make fun of person because of the way that they look! I find such people to be really pathetic and I am SO much bette than them.

 

I am so upset so the point where I feel bad hugging my own boyfriend. his friends have seriously traumatized me, and I do not think he immediately stuck up for me enough, and I am just so confused.

He just wants me to come to bed and hug him, he always wants to be close and affectionate with me:(

[irin]

I wouldnt date a woman who insisted I sleep with filthy hookers. And he cries over it? You know what, Im done seeing him as the bad guy

 

^^

 

you dont really believe this? no man would sleep with a hooker on force, if i recall her earlier post, he somehow made her believe that it was normal to do such a thing while in a relationship, "because men get bored easily need to sleep beautiful women".

[eleanorhurting]

it does not matter how many "red flags" you raise, no one deserves to be treated badly.

[Leigh 87]

it does not matter how many "red flags" you raise, no one deserves to be treated badly.

 

 

 

YES. EXACTLY.

 

Her boyfriend tried TO KISS ME. Then when I told my boyfriend that his mate of 14 years tried to kiss ME, the guy went oon a rampage, ringing me up, abusing me, and telling anyone who would listen then I AM A DIRTY WH0re who TRIED TO KISS HIM!!!!!!!!!!

 

NO ONE in their RIGHT MIND would see ME as the girl with " red flags" here!!!!!!!1

 

I COMFORTED this guy when he was CRYING over his girlfriend of 6 years! After he was nasty to me, I still comforted him, told him to sit down and talk about it if he wanted to. He did, and looked and sounded genuinely aprepciative that I was so nice to him.

 

..THEN HE TRIED TO KISS ME, and then went around telling everyone I AM A LIAR AND I AM THE ONE WHO TRIED TO KISS HIM:sick::sick:

 

 

 

REALLY. Why THE HELL would ANYONE think I am in the wrong for this!>!@?!?@?@??? That guy is really MESSED UP.

[StillReigning]

Your boyfriend's a dickhead for hanging out with people like that. If anybody insulted my girlfriend or hell even my best friend's girlfriend, there would be a fight no doubt about it

 

 

I don't know how you can go out with somebody like that who so clearly has no respect for you to tolerate such behavior from his "friends". Your boyfriend's a douchebag and so are his moron friends

[Minnie09]

I think your posts speak volumes. They're full of drama and multiple statements that always repeat themselves, like that you're a nice, attractive person, and that he LOVES you, and that your relationship is sooooo great. It looks like you're trying to convince yourself of these facts, yourself and also readers of the forum. And his friends and family. It's just not credible anymore. That's probably why they dislike you. You're trying too hard.

 

I've read some of your posts, and they scream "insecurity". It's great that you go to therapy. But you put yourself in situations that are unhealthy, or at least not normal. If you didn't do that, people would perhaps be able to like you better. People in your class like you, because you're "really genuinely nice".... That's great. But those closest to your relationship, like his family and friends, might have their reasons for disliking you. When somebody watches you making out with your bf, at a party, or at somebody's house, and you're perplexed and irked that the person keeps standing there staring, my first question is, "Who does that?" why do you put yourself in that position in the first place? You're not 16, you have no business making out at somebody else's house and then be offended that people watch you and talk about you. It looks like you want them to see how extremely in love your bf is and how he can't keep his hands off of you. Mature people, healthy people don't need to show off like that.*

 

You send him to hookers and want him to cheat.... Weird. Because what you really want is his undivided attention. It's obvious that you want to manipulate him into convincing you that he doesn't want and need that, because you're sooooo cool and so interesting and so great in bed and so loveable and so hot. You push him away on the outside, because you're insecure in the inside and extremely afraid of not being the center of his attention. That he stays with someone who has these huge insecurity issues speaks volumes. That he actually takes the offer and does **** prostitutes is disrespectful, no matter whether or not you suggested it. I see a lack of respect on his part. He goes to Thailand with friends who hate you. Disrespectful. I'm assuming he's either codependent himself, or more likely, he knows your weaknesses and keeps you, because he can, and has some fun on the side. I don't trust him. I don't trust this R. I think you need to get in balance and move on. Too many huge red flags.

 

At least stop putting yourself in situations that are controversial. Looks like you really like all the (negative) attention you get. Not healthy.

[xxoo]

On facebook recently he hd another go at me! There was a funny picture, of those two on elephants; it looked like the guy was touching my boyrfriends provate parts, it looked SO funny, and no one noticed, so I commented " LOL, has no one noticed that picture? haha"

Not surprisingly, the guy retorted back " dickhe ad Leigh:)" . to which I responded " look mate, good luck with trying to get Andrew to talk to you again"..

 

Trying to understand--what was his retort? Was he calling you a dickhead?

 

Was this on your bf's page, or the friends page?

 

How did your bf handle it? What did he say/do in response, publicly or privately?

[KatZee]

I think your posts speak volumes. They're full of drama and multiple statements that always repeat themselves, like that you're a nice, attractive person, and that he LOVES you, and that your relationship is sooooo great. It looks like you're trying to convince yourself of these facts, yourself and also readers of the forum. And his friends and family. It's just not credible anymore. That's probably why they dislike you. You're trying too hard.

 

Agree. I think this is the basis for what I was trying to say in my earlier post, but I couldn't verbalize it correctly.

 

People in your class like you, because you're "really genuinely nice".... That's great. But those closest to your relationship, like his family and friends, might have their reasons for disliking you. When somebody watches you making out with your bf, at a party, or at somebody's house, and you're perplexed and irked that the person keeps standing there staring, my first question is, "Who does that?" why do you put yourself in that position in the first place? You're not 16, you have no business making out at somebody else's house and then be offended that people watch you and talk about you. It looks like you want them to see how extremely in love your bf is and how he can't keep his hands off of you. Mature people, healthy people don't need to show off like that.

 

Exactly. There are always reasons, and I think the OP needs to look at what those reasons might be. It's easy to say, "I'm so nice! I'm so great! I'm so caring! without really taking a LOOK at yourself. And I think that's why there is such a sharp contrast between how "nice" she is, and the fact that so many people seem to dislike her.

 

I'm assuming he's either codependent himself, or more likely, he knows your weaknesses and keeps you, because he can, and has some fun on the side. I don't trust him. I don't trust this R. I think you need to get in balance and move on. Too many huge red flags.

 

I agree with this. I think he sounds extremely codependent as well. With all this nonsense how he's in the bedroom crying right now asking for her to "hold him." Come on.