Agni Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 (edited) Hi all, I have never posted on an online forum before but I thought the anonyminity along with mutual experiences might provide some solace. My boyfriend broke up with me 4 months ago, it felt really abrupt and vague. We were together for 2.5 years and shared a lot together, even had a break up in the middle. I wanted us to work out, and I'd be lying if I said that a part of me isn't hoping that we can eventually working out. We have not been in contact since the break up, aside from one phone call (in which he called to tell me something specific but didn't even ask me how I was doing), and a few run ins. It's been four months, and in spite of doing all sorts of supposedly great things in my life (moved away, started professional school, becoming a certified fitness instructor, starting therapy), I feel despondent and shattered inside. Some days the grief is so strong I can't get myself out of bed or get to class. My sadness I feel even shows on my body--in spite of a regimented eating and workout schedule, I have gained some weight which is also affecting my self-image. I want to learn to be a happy person and yet I feel so so so sad inside and at times plagued with suicidal thoughts. I avoid talking to friends and family because I don't want to bring anyone down. I am in my 30's and it seems that break ups are much harder to handle than ever before. I feel like I have lost myself and don't know how to get myself back. Everything just feels like I am going through the motions. Any thoughts on coping or a loving perspective would be much welcomed. Thank you for listening. Edited August 25, 2012 by Agni
Canadian731 Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 First of all, you can't do this alone. You have to let your family know what is going on, that is what family is for, to support you through the hard times and to relish in the good times with you. I know how hard it is, the 4 year anniversary of me and my ex is in about 2 weeks. But the way I see it is that we have these heartbreaks so we can build ourselves into something new. You need to properly grieve the ending to fully appreciate all you have learned and by what you wrote I think that you are having a difficult time believing your relationship with this man is truly over, but it is and the sooner you realize that the two of you won't be getting back together the sooner you will be able to move on and find happiness in your life again. I wish you the best of luck!
Van Damm Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 If you are being "plagued" with suicidal thoughts, I seriously advise you to sort professional help and\or speak to the Samaritans - they are a free service, just google them. They have walk in centre's all over and you can also call them (think it's a freephone number) or email them. All the feelings you have unfortunately are part of the process post break up BUT I do feel that if it's getting you down to the point of feeling suicidal then you need to speak to a therapist.
Author Agni Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 Thank you for your responses, I appreciate it. I am plagued by these suicidal thoughts/feelings but I am not going to act upon them. Rather they are deeply affecting my quality of life--my ability to get through my day or study or sleep properly. As for somewhat wanting to get back together with my ex, I was merely confessing an honest feeling. I have tried to will that feeling away and have not been able to do so. I am not spending every day in hopes that we will be back together, but I do know that I would be much happier if we were. It's a hard place to be. I say more of what plagues me is a lot of beating myself up. That and the aching hopelessness I feel about starting over in a new relationship at any point. That seems so overwhelming, to go through it all again with someone new I'm so tired of suffering this deeply and wish I could be a better person.
Clarice Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 I really do know how you feel apart from the fact that I am not suicidal, no man is worth that! Why did he break up with you? You need to talk to someone about this, how about some counselling?
Author Agni Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 @Clarice I don't know why he broke up with me. He was very vague. He said he came back to me (After we broke up once before) because of a feeling and that he left because of a feeling. Put another way he said, a part of his brain said that I'm great and the other part of his brain says ugh something doesn't feel right. I never knew what wasn't working for him in the relationship, no matter how much I invited him to speak up. After 2.5 years and the depth of connection we shared, I personally thought at the least the relationship deserved something more than his vague excuses. I am so heartbroken.
Clarice Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 The hardest part is when you don't know why! My ex broke up with me too out of the blue 9 months into our relationship because something was "missing". I completely went into shock, couldn't eat, work or anything. He came back 5 weeks later saying he realized it was because he was not making enough effort. I think he was used to girls falling at his feet and I was not like that and he thought I didn't love him as much as he loved me. We lasted another 1 1/2 years before I dumped him. He was not good enough for me. My mum was dying and he was off flirting with anyone he could find because I was not giving him enough attention!! Selfish! Don't get me wrong, I am distraught it didn't work out but the last thing you need is a weak man who runs away when the going gets tough! That was 2 months ago and I am suffering from panic attacks now. He is not good enough for you! Look how he has made you feel! You don't do that to someone you love. It has been 4 months for you, start dating again even if it's just for an ego boost. He may come back but you shouldn't take him back. Read the book "the secret" it made me feel better. I am not saying you won't have bad days but if it is meant to be it will be. You have your family and friends, cherish what you have x
Author Agni Posted August 26, 2012 Author Posted August 26, 2012 Wow wow wow, what your ex-bf did to you is AWFUL. I am so sorry, and I am sorry for what you went through with your mother. I can relate to your feeling distraught it didn't work out and yet knowing that you don't need a weak man who runs away when things get tough. That is how I feel (on better days, on the less self-destructive days). Your guy does sound very selfish, and again, I see similiarities with my ex in that it seemed to be all about him. I have read the secret and pretty much every self-help book under the sun. It's getting through the day to day and being as functional as I need to be is that it's hard. I try to believe in what goes around comes around though. I wish you much ease, healing of the heart and peace of mind through your difficult time. You sound like a strong and caring person.
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