1st time here

[wanting more]

i've been reading on here alot lately and need some advice. i'm an OW and have been in my A for over 3 years. had a d-day over a year ago. we've obviously had ups and downs but maintained our relationship since d-day. well guess what, we're going thru ANOTHER d-day. i have no way of contacting him right now (she's got his personal cell we used and is watching his email). he's called me a couple times this last week and i know she is talking about getting all the emails and text (he deleted them all but she's found a way to down load them all) and when she does it will be bad. i feel so lost because i don't know what's going on. i don't know what she knows. i am not married but have been with my SO for over 20 years. my R at home is obviously not a full filling R. i'm here for my kids. i'm just so lost right now and don't know what to do with myself, just waiting for the bomb to drop.

[LoveTKO]

my R at home is obviously not a full filling R. i'm here for my kids. i'm just so lost right now and don't know what to do with myself, just waiting for the bomb to drop.

 

 

 

What?? You are there for your kids? How are you there for your kids when they all find out that you have been having an affair? I tell the MW that I hook up with the same thing all the time, this baloney about staying in the marriage/relationship for the kids. But living a double live at the same time? For crying out loud, I don't understand why people who have affairs get so emotionally involved with each other. Leave it at sex. How can you have something genuine if it involves deception to keep it going?

 

It doesn't matter if you are married or not because if you have a significant other living with you for an extended period it's the same as being married, right?

 

It sounds like the bomb is going to drop, so instead of trying to prevent it from happening you need to begin to develop a "damage control" action plan instead.

[MourningLosses]

I don't get why these men let their wives have their phone, monitor their emails. What is she his mother? Why doesn't he tell her no, you're important to him and hes going to protect you? He's going to talk to you?

 

The day my friends wife found out I was beside myself because I didn't knownwhat they were saying, what they would decide to do, what she knew.

[wanting more]

Is what I'm trying to figure out. My SO leaving is going to effect me emotionally because he'll make my life living hell. Financially I'm fine, I pay 90% of the bills, the house is mine. As far as MM giving up his cell I don't know why he didn't say no. I did print some of the emails between us so he's not completely blindsided if she gets copies of them. After the 1st d-day she was convinced he and I had only had sex twice after a company function and there were no "feelings" on his part. The emails now will show lots of "I love you's" from him and the text on his cell will show lots of sexual talks. I don't know what she'll do. I did just get a call from his cell (which I honestly missed but wouldn't have answered anyway) as he told me he wouldn't call without texting me 1st.

[LoveTKO]

Is what I'm trying to figure out. My SO leaving is going to effect me emotionally because he'll make my life living hell. Financially I'm fine, I pay 90% of the bills, the house is mine. As far as MM giving up his cell I don't know why he didn't say no. I did print some of the emails between us so he's not completely blindsided if she gets copies of them. After the 1st d-day she was convinced he and I had only had sex twice after a company function and there were no "feelings" on his part. The emails now will show lots of "I love you's" from him and the text on his cell will show lots of sexual talks. I don't know what she'll do. I did just get a call from his cell (which I honestly missed but wouldn't have answered anyway) as he told me he wouldn't call without texting me 1st.

 

 

 

LOL!!! Nice! this sounds more like a study in blackmailing and telling your wife one thing but your lover something else. This reminds me of the prosecution and the defense trying to cop a plea bargain instead of going to trial and airing all the dirty laundry.

 

Why do you want your life to be so complicated? Stick w/ my rule. Keep affairs in the sex realm but don't fool yourself about a future together living happily ever after singing kumbaya.

[Emme]

Company Function... That means trouble possibly for you.

 

I think think D-Day's are basically the time to reflect and figure out what it is you truly want. So WANTING MORE... What do you want? Be specific.

[alexandria35]

I don't get why these men let their wives have their phone, monitor their emails. What is she his mother? Why doesn't he tell her no, you're important to him and hes going to protect you? He's going to talk to you?

 

The day my friends wife found out I was beside myself because I didn't knownwhat they were saying, what they would decide to do, what she knew.

 

Why doesn't he tell her no, you're important to him and hes going to protect you? He's going to talk to you? Ummm..I think the reason MM don't say that is because their not interested in protecting you. Their strongest desire is in protecting themselves and keeping their marriage.

 

OP you might want to consider coming clean to your partner before someone else tells him. Your MM sounds like a typical cake eater. Wants his marriage and his mistress. Hopefully his wife will get strong and push him off the fence.

[wanting more]

And run over several times. He's told her everything. Everything to make me look crazy. As the phone calls, emails and texts have said. I'm crazy, psycho and obsessed. And he's coming out like a victim. WTF???? How cAn she really believe it's all me??? And we used to work together but not anymore so that's not an issue now.

[LoveTKO]

And run over several times. He's told her everything. Everything to make me look crazy. As the phone calls, emails and texts have said. I'm crazy, psycho and obsessed. And he's coming out like a victim. WTF???? How cAn she really believe it's all me??? And we used to work together but not anymore so that's not an issue now.

 

Not cool! Ask him why he's harshing your buzz and being a total d***

[whichwayisup]

And run over several times. He's told her everything. Everything to make me look crazy. As the phone calls, emails and texts have said. I'm crazy, psycho and obsessed. And he's coming out like a victim. WTF???? How cAn she really believe it's all me??? And we used to work together but not anymore so that's not an issue now.

 

Sorry to hear this..But not surprised. Many MM and MW throw their affair partners under the bus. He is going to play the victim because he has no balls to admit the truth, own his part in all this. For him, it's easier to put it all on you.

 

If his wife calls you at some point, and she probably will - BE honest with her! Tell her your side of this affair and own your part in it and apologize..And let her know that her husband was a very willing participant.

[wanting more]

I have hundreds of emails from him and plenty voicemails. (lots of I Love you's from him). He actually told me he checked the phone records and it averages about 1500 texts a month. How can she deny that??? When we had our 1st d-day a year ago I covered for him, said everything she wanted to hear. Im not doing that this time. He's got as much responsibility in this as I do. Yet I'm the crazy one who pushed him?? I had never threatened to "out" him, if he didn't want to respond he didn't have to. He didn't have to send me his new cell # or email address. I didn't force him to be with me. He had a choice. He also had a choice not to make me look like the only bad person here. He CHOSE to be with me. He CHOSE to make me the bad person. I wouldve never done that to him and he knows that. I'm so hurt and mad right now.

[wanting more]

When he told me she found out again and she wanted copies of old emails he really didn't have any. She said if he didn't give her any she was going to have his computer scanned or down loaded (I'm not computer savvy but I found on the Internet there's a way she could've had all his deleted emails recovered) so I like an idiot found like 4 of them that didn't say anything bad. Just normal conversations. I guess he gave her those. Her email, texts and voice mails said that he told her I wouldn't stop texting him. He said he never responded to those. That I kept pushing him. Yet I have hundreds with him asking me to lunch. Telling me he loves me. Asking me to go away with him I also have on my phone pics (yes kinda dirty ones from him which I sent him some but they were of my legs, no face, none nude) and I've got voicemails from him telling me how much he misses me and loves me.

[veryhappy]

Yet another coward MM finding the biggest bus to throw his AP under it on dday.

 

Do you have any hopes to continue the A with him or are you done? I'd tell him that he has one day to tell her theme truth or you'll make sure she finds out and that you have his emails and texts, and can get the phone calls. Doesn't matter how much you actually have left of them, scare the @#%$ out of him.

[whichwayisup]

You need tell your partner the truth about the affair before MM's wife does. Sure, you're not officially married, but you are common law and been with your partner for 20 years, you have children with him, you all are a family unit - Ring or not.

[wanting more]

I guess advice on how to handle another d-day. Whatever happens with my SO happens. I know that sounds bad but out R is one of convenience. He knows I don't love him. Haven't said that to him in years. He knows I don't, even comments about how he knows I dont. But obviously if he finds out about my A it won't be pretty. As far as MM im done. I covered once. Not again. He should've handled it differently with BW. take some blame. I guess I was rely expecting to much from him. I'm not the only one at fault. Im sure he'll be calling me from work Monday begging not to tell all our secrets. (BW has texted me many times tonite and I stopped replying to her so I'm sure he's still getting an ear full from her now). I guess my question is. Do I tell?? Do I send her all the emails????

[wanting more]

I did want to protect him. I did give him the emails. The email she saw that started this on Monday was a simple "good morning". That was it. Nothing else. I guess that from that he's made it look like all me has really gotten to me. How could he have not smoothed things over with her over that simple email? I didn't protect him I guess in the text tonite. Only said a couple things and I know she was fishing. Something about him giving her everything I ever gene him 1st d-day and she threw it away. I said are you sure he gave you everything???? Then she called me a slut. Trashy little slut. I'm ruining his life and that he's going to hate me. I told her think whatever she wanted about me. I don't care what he thinks of me now. And that he only gave her the "good" emails making me look bad. Then she said that he only slept with me twice so that shows what he got wasn't good. And of course I shot back with the "keep believing it was twice". She sent a few more about knowing he was lying about that and that if I had any thing really worth sendin, go ahead and send it. I didn't respond.

[wanting more]

Ive put up with his bull**** for the last year. I've protected him. He's never protected me and I'm done with him!!!

[mercy]

Ive put up with his bull**** for the last year. I've protected him. He's never protected me and I'm done with him!!!

 

Good, so, what are you going to do?

[wanting more]

Ive started an email. Haven't sent it yet. But it's got very specific things in it that only I would know and she won't be able to deny that I was with him at those times. I'll also let it be known that this is a 3 year A. Not a twice drunk mistake sex romp with an email where he said he remembered our 3 year anniversary (or whatever you'd call it) was coming up and we'd go away Because 3 years ago had meant so much to him and he'd never forget that time. And one of the biggest things she kept talking about last year was how he never loved anyone else, could never love anyone else but I have emails and voicemails with him telling me he loves me. And theres also lots of sex talk ones. (don't know how far I'll go with the sex ones)

[wanting more]

Thats over also. I never denied that

[mercy]

Ive started an email. Haven't sent it yet. But it's got very specific things in it that only I would know and she won't be able to deny that I was with him at those times. I'll also let it be known that this is a 3 year A. Not a twice drunk mistake sex romp with an email where he said he remembered our 3 year anniversary (or whatever you'd call it) was coming up and we'd go away Because 3 years ago had meant so much to him and he'd never forget that time. And one of the biggest things she kept talking about last year was how he never loved anyone else, could never love anyone else but I have emails and voicemails with him telling me he loves me. And theres also lots of sex talk ones. (don't know how far I'll go with the sex ones)

 

I understand your anger.

 

But please show her some mercy. It is HIM that deserves your wrath not her.

 

But give her the truth.

[Tenacity]

OP.... you have been in this for the long haul and there is nothing more devastating than being thrown under the bus by someone who gave your heart to. Whether it was the right thing to do or not... that's how you feel right now and I get that.

 

Hold onto the anger if you can, and challenge it. Trust me, his W doesn't believe his diversion story deep down - she just wants to believe it. It helps to try to remember too that she is a victim here; she didn't ask for her H to be such a worthless, narcissistic, selfish cad, but this is where she is. What a terrible place to be in.

 

Now you need to see reality, get out of the A, and figure out what to do about your own R so that this doesn't happen again. Please don't let it. Nothing good will ever come from this - not for anyone involved.

Edited August 26, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ms. Red]

I guess advice on how to handle another d-day. Whatever happens with my SO happens. I know that sounds bad but out R is one of convenience. He knows I don't love him. Haven't said that to him in years. He knows I don't, even comments about how he knows I dont. But obviously if he finds out about my A it won't be pretty. As far as MM im done. I covered once. Not again. He should've handled it differently with BW. take some blame. I guess I was rely expecting to much from him. I'm not the only one at fault. Im sure he'll be calling me from work Monday begging not to tell all our secrets. (BW has texted me many times tonite and I stopped replying to her so I'm sure he's still getting an ear full from her now). I guess my question is. Do I tell?? Do I send her all the emails????

 

Sit tight and stay quiet. Don't answer your phone or return any texts.

 

How are you getting all this info about being thrown under the bus? From her? You can't trust anything that comes from her. Of course she wants to make you feel like crap and like you don't mean anything to him.

 

Wait until you can talk with him without her hysterical spin on it all.

[Silly_Girl]

Sit tight and stay quiet. Don't answer your phone or return any texts.

 

How are you getting all this info about being thrown under the bus? From her? You can't trust anything that comes from her. Of course she wants to make you feel like crap and like you don't mean anything to him.

 

Wait until you can talk with him without her hysterical spin on it all.

 

I agree. Hold off. I know you're angry that you're being wronged, but it's not a competition. YOU know the truth. His wife may *say* she believes him, but this won't all be adding up okay in her head. She probably realises, deep down, there's much more to it.

 

And I agree with Mercy. You want to prove you aren't the person you're being made out to be, but be kind to her. If you want to make it clear the strength of the relationship you had, you can do so without rubbing her nose in it.

[woinlove]

I guess advice on how to handle another d-day. Whatever happens with my SO happens. I know that sounds bad but out R is one of convenience. He knows I don't love him. Haven't said that to him in years. He knows I don't, even comments about how he knows I dont. But obviously if he finds out about my A it won't be pretty. As far as MM im done. I covered once. Not again. He should've handled it differently with BW. take some blame. I guess I was rely expecting to much from him. I'm not the only one at fault. Im sure he'll be calling me from work Monday begging not to tell all our secrets. (BW has texted me many times tonite and I stopped replying to her so I'm sure he's still getting an ear full from her now). I guess my question is. Do I tell?? Do I send her all the emails????

 

When the BW called me, I answered her questions honestly, basically giving her the information she needed to know what was really going on. MM knew I wouldn't lie for him, so it didn't come as a surprise to him. The BW also told me some things I didn't know and that MM had lied about. It's important to try to be true to yourself in how you behave. You seem to have brought a lot of deception into your life, with your SO, with the BW, and I wonder how all that makes you feel. Maybe it is time for a change in your life? Your user name suggests you aren't happy with things the way they are, but it is not clear what you want to happen. Do you want MM to leave his W to be with you? Or do you want to end things with him? If the latter, his lies are mainly his and his W's problem, not yours. You don't need to add to them for his benefit.