Need women's perspective

[vedder10]

My wife and I have been married for over 8 years. I have not been perfect and deserve any and everything that I am currently getting. Recently I found out, and confronted my wife, about an affair she is having.

 

Her affair has only gone on for about two months. Found out she had a brief one before that but they were more once in a while sex buddies for a couple of months.

 

Anyway this two month relationship has spawned feelings for her that she is unable to decide between her marriage and this other guy. She says she needs time to "work through her feelings" with this relationship or she will always be wondering and can't guarantee she would try and sneak behind my back with this person. She has also developed a severe texting addiction to multiple mail friends, some wo which, she talks inappropriately.

 

Now I have seriously neglected my wife for over a year emotionally and physically. I didn't engage in meaningful conversation and I didn't accept her advances for affection.

 

So my question is the fact that she essentially wants me to wait, in this marriage, for her to work through her feelings for this guy mean that I am really just waiting for the inevitable breakup from her.

 

My feeling has always been that a woman really knows what she wants but has issues expressing them when she knows they will bring about pain.

 

Have I already lost her? Looking for a woman's perspective but guys please chime in as well.

[M30USA]

My wife and I have been married for over 8 years. I have not been perfect and deserve any and everything that I am currently getting. Recently I found out, and confronted my wife, about an affair she is having.

 

Her affair has only gone on for about two months. Found out she had a brief one before that but they were more once in a while sex buddies for a couple of months.

 

Anyway this two month relationship has spawned feelings for her that she is unable to decide between her marriage and this other guy. She says she needs time to "work through her feelings" with this relationship or she will always be wondering and can't guarantee she would try and sneak behind my back with this person. She has also developed a severe texting addiction to multiple mail friends, some wo which, she talks inappropriately.

 

Now I have seriously neglected my wife for over a year emotionally and physically. I didn't engage in meaningful conversation and I didn't accept her advances for affection.

 

So my question is the fact that she essentially wants me to wait, in this marriage, for her to work through her feelings for this guy mean that I am really just waiting for the inevitable breakup from her.

 

My feeling has always been that a woman really knows what she wants but has issues expressing them when she knows they will bring about pain.

 

Have I already lost her? Looking for a woman's perspective but guys please chime in as well.

 

Adultery is never justified. Nothing you possibly could have done is justification for her adultery. If she wanted to have sex with another man, she could have given you advance warning of her mixed feelings, then divorced you before sleeping with him. I have zero tolerance for adultery. Imagine if the roles were switched. Do you honestly think she would say it's anyone's fault but yours if you cheated on her? Don't kid yourself. Society says that if a man cheats, it's his fault; and if a woman cheats, it's still his fault. Don't buy that garbage. Call a spade a spade.

[Silly_Girl]

It doesn't sound good, not whilst she's not prepared to make the call between you/him/them. I bet it feels to you that it's her 'gentle' way of telling you it's over. Will you/she consider counselling? Have you considered telling her you won't be in her life if she persists, or is that not an option for you right now?

[vedder10]

I did have a day of semi-strength and told her that she needed to decide. We argued and she finally said sarcastically that she chooses to stay in the marriage and cut him off. But It wasn't convincing to the point where I felt I could trust her.

 

So I said I will make the decision and say that this marriage is over. She was upset and said that is not what she wanted. I said I would shoulder the blame of calling this marriage off. So I can be the one she tells our family that I made the decision to end this marriage. She didn't want that.

 

So the next day I said three months needs to be the timeline. She stays with him overnight for about 2 nights a week. Leaving me and our son. I am pissed but I love her so much. I am dying inside.

 

She even says that this guy is not someone she would want to marry and doesn't think will last long. So why can't she decide now.

 

I thought I would never be the weak one to not let go. But now I am. Honestly it's more that I have no place to go. If my parents still lived close I would move in with them and visit my son. But financially this is not feasable for me to move out.

[UpwardForward]

My H did the same thing. Once he found another, he told me it was him and he needed to find himself (to cushion the blow).

 

Once they find another, consider them gone and cut the cord .. Otherwise you're in for a lot of Lonely, Demeaning, Torture.

[TaraMaiden]

vedder10, I suggest you actually present her with divorce papers (these can be retracted, at any time) but no matter what you felt you deserved to be pulled up for in your marriage - you do not deserve repeated infidelity from your wife.

Ok, fine: you had/have issues, and you are responsible for those, well done, good that you admitted it, now you know what you need to work on.

But the BLAME - for wrecking this marriage, for shattering your trust and for cheating - lies fairly and squarely on her shoulders!!

The problems within a relationship are NOT and never can be resolved - by one partner putting it somewhere else!!

 

Call her bluff - do not put a time-line on it, except for the timer-line on the papers.

Tell her to move out, and make her decision, without batting back and forth.

"Don't lay this guilt-trip on me!" tell her. "I may not be perfect, but I didn't spread my legs for another trouser visitor to come take residence, did I - ?!"

 

So I said I will make the decision and say that this marriage is over. She was upset and said that is not what she wanted.

 

Then that's not what she should have indicated - by bringing in a man to muddy the waters.

She has until the date of decision on the documents.

If she wants to end it - "go, I'll survive, better than you think - but if you stay - we do this right, we go to counselling and we work - both of us - damn hard to put this one back on track and keep it there!"

 

You need to 'man up' and grab the bull-s.hi.t by the horns.

She cannot - absolutely not - cannot have this playing all her way.

You do the deed - and accept the consequences. You break the rules, you don't then get to make new ones, at a whim....

[Furious]

 

Her affair has only gone on for about two months. Found out she had a brief one before that but they were more once in a while sex buddies for a couple of months.

 

She has also developed a severe texting addiction to multiple mail friends, some wo which, she talks inappropriately.

 

 

Have I already lost her? Looking for a woman's perspective but guys please chime in as well.

 

 

Your wife is a serial cheater, 2 affairs that you know of, and inappropriate texting with multiple male friends.

 

What you should be asking is not whether you've lost her, but whether you've lost your self respect to put up with her philandering.

[Steen719]

 

So the next day I said three months needs to be the timeline. She stays with him overnight for about 2 nights a week. Leaving me and our son. I am pissed but I love her so much. I am dying inside.

 

She even says that this guy is not someone she would want to marry and doesn't think will last long. So why can't she decide now.

 

Oh dear God...tell me this is not true! You are letting her go stay with her boyfriend 2 nights a week while you and your son are at home? I am flabbergasted; really!

 

I am not trying to be mean, but this in unthinkable to me. I never cheated on my XH, but I can in no way imagine any man or woman worth their salt who would put up with this.

 

Get yourself to a counselor immediately, I mean right now and tell them what you have told us. You are in an open marriage, vedder, whether you know it or not.

 

Good grief, is she playing you! And you are rolling around at her feet, waiting for any little crumb she will throw you. Imagine what she would do if you left to be with another woman 2x a week. Call your Dad...see if he thinks it is fine that she leaves 2x a week to be with another man.

 

Divorce her, tell her there is no more time to decide and that the very fact that she can't decided tells you all there is to know. Find your strength, find your courage, find your intellect and leave this woman.

 

Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

So the next day I said three months needs to be the timeline. She stays with him overnight for about 2 nights a week. Leaving me and our son. I am pissed but I love her so much. I am dying inside.

 

This is bullshi.t! She leaves for 2 days a week to be with the OM? Tries him out, see if they have something worthy? So what next? She decides she wants him, divorces you? Or she doesn't want him and comes back home to you? No, this is total crap and she cannot have it both ways. Either she is with you and ends her affair with the OM or she divorces and then goes to be with him. None of this back and forth! That sucks and it's mean to you and to your child/family unit.

 

She even says that this guy is not someone she would want to marry and doesn't think will last long. So why can't she decide now.

 

Then you decide for her. End the A and do counselling on her own and with you (marriage counselling) or she moves out of the house.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't put up with this!

[Cb3657]

Listen fella, she will not respect you unless you stand up now,when I was a young person I saw my mother lose respect and mistreat my father and it was the worst part of my life so far, I still have not forgiven her for this or myself for piling on my dad. He seemed so weak I could understand why she was doing what she was doing, but it was false he was just trying to be understanding and save the marriage, I don't think he could have at that point and looking weak just accelerated the process. Stand up find you ou strength and whether your marriage ever recovers at least you and your son will be ok.

[GLDheart]

I must have missed soemthing.... How exactly is staying in this mess better than leaving her?

[BetrayedH]

You own 50% of the marital problems. She owns 100% of the decision to have an affair. What she (and you) are doing is called blameshifting. It happens. It's bull****.

 

As well, I'm sure that the "divorce her" posters sound incredibly harsh to you. They did to me, too. Right now you are in self-preservation mode. Your world has been destroyed and you are desperately clinging to any hope of retaining your nuclear family. It's normal. It's also 100% complete and total bull****. If a friend told you that his wife was doing this, what would you say? Right now you are not thinking rationally. It happens. You have a serious concussion.

 

The fact is that filing for divorce is a serious strategy to bring this situation to a conclusion. You cannot love or "nice" her back to you. In fact, it is wholeheartedly counter productive. She sees you as a beta male that she does not respect as a man. Your faltering reinforces this notion. Further, it allows her to continue the affair. The longer it continues, the more of a joke you become. I am not trying to be harsh. You trusted your wife and you're trying to save the family. You're more of a man than most. But this ain't gonna work. Filing for divorce is the fastest and surest way to burst this whole fantasy affair bubble that they are living in. You need reality to smack her in the middlemof the forehead like a ****ing hammer. PUSH her towards the OM. Tell him he can have her. Even in your "semi-strong" moment you saw a flash of her suddenly not wanting this. Go 1000x further. Put her things on the lawn. Change the locks. Expose the affair to everyone (especially the other man's wife if he is married), and hit her with divorce papers ASAP. As crazy as this sounds, if you want to reconcile with your wife, there is no faster way to get on that road right this ****ing second. Side benefit: your regain your self-esteem which has no doubt taken a huge blow.

 

These posters are no saying to do this because they enjoy the trainwreck. You are getting decades of wisdom about infidelity right when you need it most. If you want to fight for your family, this is how you do it. If you want your wife to eventually walk away from you because she perceives you as a puzzy, stay at what you are doing.

 

No 90 days. No 90 minutes. The next time she leaves for her OM, she doesn't come back. Take charge of this situation right ****ing now. If she wants you to give her the gift of reconciliation, she begins reearning your respect this instant or she can go to him this instant. She commits to the marriage or she is out the door. I guarantee that relationship would fall flat within 2 weeks. The fantasy would be over. It would be no fun whatsoever. Then YOU will be dictating the terms of reconciling. You are allowing her to keep you and the fantasy. Stop it.

Edited August 26, 2012 by BetrayedH

[96nole]

I did have a day of semi-strength and told her that she needed to decide. We argued and she finally said sarcastically that she chooses to stay in the marriage and cut him off. But It wasn't convincing to the point where I felt I could trust her.

 

So I said I will make the decision and say that this marriage is over. She was upset and said that is not what she wanted. I said I would shoulder the blame of calling this marriage off. So I can be the one she tells our family that I made the decision to end this marriage. She didn't want that.

 

So the next day I said three months needs to be the timeline. She stays with him overnight for about 2 nights a week. Leaving me and our son. I am pissed but I love her so much. I am dying inside.

 

She even says that this guy is not someone she would want to marry and doesn't think will last long. So why can't she decide now.

 

I thought I would never be the weak one to not let go. But now I am. Honestly it's more that I have no place to go. If my parents still lived close I would move in with them and visit my son. But financially this is not feasable for me to move out.

 

Divorce. Get full custody of your son. Period.

 

I believe she said the comment about the OM not being marriage material to gaslight you. She doesn't want you to over react. That way, she stays in control. Remember, she said it's not what SHE wanted when you said the marriage was over. She wants to try things out with the OM. If she doesn't like it with this OM, she'll come back to you. UNTIL, the next OM comes along.

 

I'm sorry to say but your marriage is over. This pattern will continue. She's cheated before with a "sex buddy". She's cheating again with another sex buddy that she has feelings for. If she comes back, she will do it again.

 

How many more times can you emotionally, mentally, and physically handle it?

What will this do to your son to see his parents like this? Especially the toll it's taking on you.

[Ms. Red]

 

Her affair has only gone on for about two months. Found out she had a brief one before that but they were more once in a while sex buddies for a couple of months.

 

It's time for STD's testing. And you might want to consider testing the paternity of your son.

 

Have I already lost her? Looking for a woman's perspective but guys please chime in as well.

 

If you continue on the path you're on looking like a wimp, yes you've lost her. There is nothing attractive about the way you're acting. I won't tell you what I think you should do but I'll tell you what I think would make you more attractive.

 

Lay the law down and get angry. Tell her she has no time to make a decision because you won't be with someone that has to decide if they want to be with you. Isn't that degrading to you? She has to decide IF she wants to be with you? You sit by waiting and hoping to be chosen? Not attractive!

 

Visit a lawyer and get your free consult. Ask them if her leaving to stay with OM constitutes abandonment. Then find out how you can have HER move out. What's with this talk of you moving out? WTF? She's the one who should move out.

 

Take the bull by the balls and take charge of your family. You will look like a man and not the mouse you are now. That is my perspective as a woman.

[vedder10]

Ok I think I have the tools that I need to make my stand. No matter how harsh you guys have been you have really broke it down for me. I lost my self with this. When you love someone as much as I do it happens.

 

I contacted a lawfirm and will be serving her with divorce papers. Not as a threat but to follow through on a final divorce. I am done now and ready for the fight. I will seek counseling as well.

 

I ask that you all continue to check back on this thread to provide your in your face support for me. I will keep you posted on my progress. This isn't about me but the well being of my son. All of you from the bottom of my broken heart I appreciate all your comments no matter how harsh.

 

Thank you

[BetrayedH]

Ok I think I have the tools that I need to make my stand. No matter how harsh you guys have been you have really broke it down for me. I lost my self with this. When you love someone as much as I do it happens.

 

I contacted a lawfirm and will be serving her with divorce papers. Not as a threat but to follow through on a final divorce. I am done now and ready for the fight. I will seek counseling as well.

 

I ask that you all continue to check back on this thread to provide your in your face support for me. I will keep you posted on my progress. This isn't about me but the well being of my son. All of you from the bottom of my broken heart I appreciate all your comments no matter how harsh.

 

Thank you

 

Excellent. Stay strong. Your son does need to see that relationships don't work that way.

[scatterd]

I wish you and your son the best, you deserve so much better then this. It has had to be h... to watch this.

Continue coming here for support.

[Wanting1]

I would also consider exposing the affair so she doesn't "rewrite" the marital history to make herself a victim in the eyes of friends and family.

[losingmyground]

You need to do a 180. Either she will see what she is missing or you will find the strength needed to let her go. DO NOT let her put you in the place of waiting. What she is doing is called cake eating. She will not make a choice until she is forced to. Good luck!

[road]

I did have a day of semi-strength and told her that she needed to decide. We argued and she finally said sarcastically that she chooses to stay in the marriage and cut him off. But It wasn't convincing to the point where I felt I could trust her.

 

So I said I will make the decision and say that this marriage is over. She was upset and said that is not what she wanted. I said I would shoulder the blame of calling this marriage off. So I can be the one she tells our family that I made the decision to end this marriage. She didn't want that.

 

So the next day I said three months needs to be the timeline. She stays with him overnight for about 2 nights a week. Leaving me and our son. I am pissed but I love her so much. I am dying inside.

 

She even says that this guy is not someone she would want to marry and doesn't think will last long. So why can't she decide now.

 

I thought I would never be the weak one to not let go. But now I am. Honestly it's more that I have no place to go. If my parents still lived close I would move in with them and visit my son. But financially this is not feasable for me to move out.

 

Unbelieveable.

 

You tell your WW this affair ends now. No more going out to shack up with the OM. If she does she will not be welcomed back home.

 

You need to expose this affair. Tell WW parents and her siblings. OMW/GF and his parents. They have FB copy and paste their contact lists then expose to them. Do not warn or threaten to use expose unless the affair is stopped. It will only give the AP's time to paint you as a lying nut job.

[BetrayedH]

Ok I think I have the tools that I need to make my stand. No matter how harsh you guys have been you have really broke it down for me. I lost my self with this. When you love someone as much as I do it happens.

 

I contacted a lawfirm and will be serving her with divorce papers. Not as a threat but to follow through on a final divorce. I am done now and ready for the fight. I will seek counseling as well.

 

I ask that you all continue to check back on this thread to provide your in your face support for me. I will keep you posted on my progress. This isn't about me but the well being of my son. All of you from the bottom of my broken heart I appreciate all your comments no matter how harsh.

 

Thank you

 

Just curious, how did you get thru to a law firm on a weekend?

[vedder10]

There is a law firm here in the Maryland area that had one of those 24hr chat services on their website. I told the representative what I was going through and he took down my information and they are supposed to contact me officially on Monday. They belong to a group of law firms here in the Maryland area that direct your needs to the county you reside.

 

I exposed her misdeeds to her mother, my parents and she has flipped out. I even tore up our wedding pictures since this has been kind of a liberating day. I feel 100% better but I know this is just the start. I am not wavering this time. I am staying stead fast. Sometimes it just takes some time to wake up. She says she doesn't want this and that she needs time but I told her this is it. I am going all the way with this one.

 

We have been on the OM's time schedule so damn much it makes me sick now. My son has been so clingy with me in the last few weeks so I know it's effecting him negatively.

[It's Just Me]

I am glad for you, Vedder. At the very least, you get to keep your self-respect and look after your son properly. My heart still goes out to you, though. This can't be easy, even though it needs to be done.

[vedder10]

It's definitely not easy. Thanks for the support.

 

But I look on the bright side. To all those 6 million women who I thought wanted me but didn't , while I was happily married, look out. In a few months I will be a single man.

[Cb3657]

Man this is the best possible path forward for you and your boy I congradulate you on taking this stand. Even if it is the cause a lot of acrimony it will still be better as your son will see you strong and not taking anymore abuse.