Dimples Posted July 17, 2004 Posted July 17, 2004 I met him at my job. I did not know he was married. He told me he was divorced. He did not wear a ring so I believed him. We talked everyday for about a month before I even gave him my phone number. He called everyday and we had great conversations. He came to visit me and kissed me. A few weeks later we became intimate. I still did not know he was married. I became suspicious because there were some times when I needed him and could not get in touch with him. I did some investigating on my own and found out he was still married and living at home with three children. I watched them all one Sunday morning pile up in his truck and head to church. I felt like used crap. Now I am also pissed off to the highest level of pissivity. I confronted him with my new knowledge and he lied until the end. Then his story became "Please don't tell my wife". He is so pathetic. He lied to me because he knew I would not have touched him with a stick if I had known he was married. He keeps asking for my forgiveness and begging me not to tell. He says he will resent me if I do because I will be taking his children away from him. I will not take responsibility or the blame for his actions! I am not the one who intentionally lied and pursued a single woman. What I will admit to is flirting with him and letting him know I was interested, but only after he told me he was divorced. I have written his wife a nice long letter explaining what happened. I have not sent it, but he won't leave me alone. I have told him not to call or stop by and he still does. He keeps asking me what it is I want from him. I have told him several times to leave me alone. I think he wants me to say I will be his chick on the side. I will not play second to anyone. My self-esteem is not so low that I will except less than what I know I am worth. I am not trying to be vindictive. His wife has done nothing to me. I have asked several of my married friends would they want to know and they all said yes. The men said I should not tell. I need help. What should I do?
supermom Posted July 17, 2004 Posted July 17, 2004 He says he will resent me if I do because I will be taking his children away from him. Let him resent himself! He is the one who has done this! This is so horrible I feel so sorry. That is horrible that the MM lied to you. And how ironic is it that you saw him and his family going to church. What a hippocrite. I don't exactly know what to tell you about the wife situation, I am a wife and yes, I would like to know. I would like to know for the simple fact of std's, as she doesn't know you and doesn't know if you do or do not have any. It was HIS decision to pursue you being a married man. From your post I got the feeling that he totally painted a picture of himself to be a single man, which was not what he was. Also, not only is he cheating on his wife, he imo is cheating on his children. I wish more ppl would think about the kids! Good luck, and yes, I would break all contact. Why do YOU want to tell his wife though? For vindictivness, or to let her know for her own protection?
Author Dimples Posted July 17, 2004 Author Posted July 17, 2004 I asked him to take an HIV test and he claimed he did not have the money at the time, and asked if I could wait until the following week. I did not have any std's before him and I want to make sure that after him I do not. Protection was used, but you know what they say, "If you lie down with dogs you get up with fleas". I feel his wife should know because he is endangering her and her children. For all he knew I could have been some psycho woman. His wife should be told because she deserves the right to choose if she wants to deal with him anymore or not. He took my right to choose away because he knew I would say no. I do not know her and I do not want to. I feel that if I don't tell her I am just as bad as him because I too will be taking away her right to choose. He needs to be stopped. Hopefully her knowing will keep him from doing this to another woman.
Grinning Maniac Posted July 17, 2004 Posted July 17, 2004 HOLY HELL IN A TOASTER! A woman who isn't hopelessly clung to some married douchebag? You exist? Are you real? *pokes at you* I kid of course. But yeah. Glad to see a strong woman on here for once. I think you should tell the wife. He should reap what he's sown. The wife deserves to know she's been betrayed, and if she doesn't find out this will probably just continue with another woman. So yeah. Ruin his ****. This situation is no ones fault but HIS. **** his resentments toward you haha.
littleflowerpot Posted July 17, 2004 Posted July 17, 2004 Originally posted by Grinning Maniac HOLY HELL IN A TOASTER! A woman who isn't hopelessly clung to some married douchebag? You exist? Are you real? *pokes at you* I kid of course. But yeah. Glad to see a strong woman on here for once. I think you should tell the wife. He should reap what he's sown. The wife deserves to know she's been betrayed, and if she doesn't find out this will probably just continue with another woman. So yeah. Ruin his ****. This situation is no ones fault but HIS. **** his resentments toward you haha. nice to have people like you come to the forum and over-simplify every person that posts here. i'm an ex-OW (he wasn't married but in a relationship) and you better damn believe i'm a strong woman. dimples, yeah, i agree in this situation you should tell his wife. it isn't vindictive on your part and she needs to know because if he did it with you, he's probably done it before and probably will again. maybe she already knows or has some idea and she doesn't want accept what she knows but that decision will be hers. and who cares if he resents you? does he care what you think of him?
VivianLee Posted July 17, 2004 Posted July 17, 2004 I think in this case the wife should be told (sometimes I don't think so) however, since he could be a serial cheater, her health could be at stake but PLEASE be very gentle, you're going to rip someone's world apart so be every so careful how you handle this innocent victim!
sinner Posted July 17, 2004 Posted July 17, 2004 Normally, I try to dissuade the OW from tattling. This, however, is not the norm--even for an extramarital affair. You were fraudulently induced into a relationship. That, my lady, is the lowest of the low. I agree that you should tell his wife. Please, however, be as gentle and tactful as possible. I would probably tell her in person or by telephone. I don't recommend an e-mail or snail mail--both are too easy for the MM to intercept. One other thing: don't be surprised if the wife blames you, the ex-lover messenger, for her husband's depredations. The MM will also spin the tale of you being a sexually rapacious opportunist. And with 3 kids in the picture, I doubt she'll leave him. Whatever happens, it won't turn out as you expect.
reasontosigh Posted July 18, 2004 Posted July 18, 2004 I'm thinking you should also be updating and circulating your resume. This guy could create trouble for you at work, regardless of whether you tell his wife or not.
Whoahhgirl Posted July 19, 2004 Posted July 19, 2004 This one is a tough one since there are children involved. In some cases, I think the wife should be told, but again....this is tough. There isn't an easy or less hurtful way to do this. If this man has a history of doing this, then sooner or later he WILL be caught. If he hasn't been already. I was in a similiar situation a few years ago. I was the other woman. Believe me, the thought of telling his wife crossed my mind for weeks. I was thinking while I was feeling angry tho. In the end, I choose not to. I didn't know what type of person his wife was. She could have been some crazy person or had an illness. She could have been a depressed person. I didn't want to feel responsible if she did something to herself. I didn't want to be the one to mess up her world. I figured the MM was already doing that. The best closure I got was cutting this man out of my life and moving on with life. I did tell him that if he did ever contact me again, then I would tell his wife. You have to base your decision on what works for you. Not what everyone else tells you to do b/c every situation is different. Think ahead of what might happen if you did. It might be ugly. It might not. Your plan could backfire and your repuation at work may change. Not everyone looks at these type of things with an open mind. If you feel that you have something to gain from this...then proceed with caution. This is NOT something you want do in front of his children if you plan to do it. You want to make a decision and know it's the right one made years from now. Good luck to you.
tiki Posted July 19, 2004 Posted July 19, 2004 Would you go back to him if his wife leaves him? (please say no, please say no) Would YOU want to know if it were YOUR hubby bouncing around town telling people he wasn't married and starting love affairs with them? I'd want someone to tell me if my husband was acting this way. I say tell her.
Author Dimples Posted July 20, 2004 Author Posted July 20, 2004 I went to his wife and told her. I had to lure him out of the house to do it, but I did. I must admit that I was nervous because she could have come out of a bag on me, but she did not. She was actually very calm. I did not stay longer than two minutes. I actually wrote a letter that I wanted her to read and it explained everything. He actually called me later because he had not been back home yet. I told him that I had been to his house and spoken with his wife. I asked him if I had to worry about him coming after me now and he said no. He also said he would call me later. In thinking back to some conversations we had I honestly think he wanted me to tell her. I have not heard from him which is a good thing. And no, I have no intentions of getting back together with him because the man he portrayed is the man I fell for not the man I have found him to truly be.
VivianLee Posted July 20, 2004 Posted July 20, 2004 Originally posted by Dimples I went to his wife and told her. I had to lure him out of the house to do it, but I did. I must admit that I was nervous because she could have come out of a bag on me, but she did not. She was actually very calm. I did not stay longer than two minutes. I actually wrote a letter that I wanted her to read and it explained everything. He actually called me later because he had not been back home yet. I told him that I had been to his house and spoken with his wife. I asked him if I had to worry about him coming after me now and he said no. He also said he would call me later. In thinking back to some conversations we had I honestly think he wanted me to tell her. I have not heard from him which is a good thing. And no, I have no intentions of getting back together with him because the man he portrayed is the man I fell for not the man I have found him to truly be. His wife was probably in shock....she is going to go through various stages so this may not be the end. She may feel anger towards you. I'd let her vent (even though it wasn't your fault since you didn't know he was married) or ask questions then I think she should leave you alone because the rest is between her and the hubby. The hubby needs to leave you alone also, he may have misunderstood your telling his wife for your being interested in snagging him. Maybe this is a first time for him, maybe they can work things out. I really think in this case, you did the right thing, for his wife's sake....thanks for being gentle and understanding towards her.. I'm so sorry you were put in this situation but you are doing the right thing and I admire you for it. I know you are experiencing your own pain by having to deal with ending a relationship. Plus, betrayal hurts!! Don't lose heart, I think you will find someone that is alot better and unattached!!
Author Dimples Posted July 20, 2004 Author Posted July 20, 2004 Vivianlee, Thank you so much for those kind words. I needed to hear them. I am trying to keep the faith, but at this point all men are dogs. I'll dust my self off and try again one day, but not any time soon. I'm a little gun shy right now. Your words were very helpful they gave me insight on how his wife is probably feeling.
comfort1 Posted July 22, 2004 Posted July 22, 2004 I really need your advice on this one. I have a friend who got married three years ago to a loser. My friends husband has been cheating on her for the entire duration of their relationship. There were always signs that he could be cheating, but his infidelity was not exposed until the beginning of this year when he got another women pregnant. Although the baby turned out not to be his, she find out that he had been involved with many other women. Needless to say that my friend took her loser husband back despite all the terrible things he has done to her. I know the decision was ultimately hers to make but I can't help but wonder why a women would take a man back after leaving her and her child for months while he lived the single live with other women. I've been told that he’s even brought some of these women to their home. For the past 7 months I have really been my friends confidant. I have been there for her through the angry stage, crying stage and also the helpless stage. Even though I thought she took him back to soon without evaluating the whole situation, my shoulder has always been there for her to cry on. I was happy to see that things were finally going well for my friend. Her husband seemed to be trying to really make their marriage work. She just got a promotion on her job and they've just purchased their first home. Her emotional days seem to be few and far in between. I thought her husband had really changed until I saw him with another women two months ago. The sad thing about it was my friend happened to be out of town that weekend trying to enjoy a well deserved break. I have another friend who happens to know the women my friends husband is currently involved with and this other women is currently pregnant by my friends husband. I have not told me friend about this because I know this would really devastate her. Although I would want to know if my husband was cheating, not all women do. Some women like my friend have unrealistic views of what a marriage should be and their willing to put up with almost anything. I am so confused about what to do. Telling my friend would not only jeopardize her marriage, it would also bring misery to her new home.
comfort1 Posted July 22, 2004 Posted July 22, 2004 you go dimples....I enjoy hearing a strong women who does not and will not put up with some mans mess. I think you should also tell his wife. My right to choose was also taken away from me for the same reason you said.....He knew I would not willingly mess around with him if he was married....I do not get involved with married men. My guy also told me he was divorced. He had been living on his own for the past year. I would be at his house almost everyday, I had practically moved in with him. He forgot to tell me that although he was living on his own he was not legally divorced and he was still playing the husband role to his wife. When I finally find out this information I too told his wife and kicked the loser to the curb. Although his wife and him are now back together, he calls my job all day long and sits in front of my home for hours. I will not give him the satisfaction of trying to explain why he lied because it really does matter and it can't change the situation.
Author Dimples Posted July 23, 2004 Author Posted July 23, 2004 I am afraid for your friend because her sorry husband is obviously sleeping with these other without protection. There are too many diseases being passed around that have no cure like herpes and HIV. I would hate for your friend to take the rose colored glasses off too late. He has proven time and again that he does not care about her. I cannot say what is right for you to do, but if it were my friend I would tell her because it could save her life. In the long run she would thank me. A little hurt now is better than a lifetime of pain later.
VivianLee Posted July 23, 2004 Posted July 23, 2004 The only reason I'd tell her because you are close, she has kept you basically in this the whole time BUT more importantly as Dimples said....for the sake of her life! He is having unprotected sex with apparently numerous women....he could kill her. I would tell her that you did see him with this other woman then I would tell her what the rumors say BUT we know he is likely to deny it so I don't know if telling her will do any good or not. You may want to get more evidence before you say anything....and if she finds out for sure and STILL takes him back....as her friend, I'd want to knock some sense into her!!
unluckylady Posted July 23, 2004 Posted July 23, 2004 Dimples, your situation sounds all too similar to mine. CRAZY similar, to the point that I am wondering if the MM happens to live in Orange County?
unluckylady Posted July 24, 2004 Posted July 24, 2004 I'm seriously convinced now, DIMPLES, that we may be dealing with the same person!!!
suzanne Posted July 25, 2004 Posted July 25, 2004 Put yourself in her place. If you knowingly went into this affair and wanted revenge.. no. But the fact he lied through the end; yes. But then again some women don't want to know. Although I beleive every woman would agree, even when the truth hurts and disrupts the flow of life, to live yor life on a lie is wrong. After the truth is out and a woman has honest choises to make, she is happier knowing and confronting the issues, then not knowing. If I were in your shoes; I would call her and say ... my name is so&so and I had affair with your husband not knowing he was married. I beleive you needed to know. If you want to talk about this I will be available. Then let her decide if she wants details. I would not shock her with details he will deny and perhaps she will turn on you. give her the choise and let her come to you. She probably will and it will help her work through the issues better. And it will make her feel better about women. It hurts so to have another woman acuse your man of something. A woman owes her loyality to her man, not a strange woman. And if he lied so well to you; think of the power he has with her. Don't start a battle between you and her. Don't try to hurt her or him. But confront the issue for the sake of the wife. She's the victim her. You have been wronged. BUT ... if you had waited to get to know him better, TIME ... you would have discovered his secret. Take this as a lesson and be careful who you give your affections to. Beleive in yourself.. we ( women ) are worth making a man prove who he is before he should be allowed in the emtional part of us. Good luck !
ringo Posted July 25, 2004 Posted July 25, 2004 [color=blue][/color] We as wife want to know the truth... husbands too in this infidelity situation. The cheaters are going to come clean to us. Therefore we turn ourselves into investigators and look for clues and pry for information. We know deep down of wrong doing but don't get the answers we deserve. We don't get the respect. My opinion is that if you know someone is doing wrong and cheating on a spouse.... tell the spouse. Regardless if you lose a friend or if someone is made at you. If you were in there place, you know darn well you would want someone to tell you the truth. So why debate about it. Tell the truth.
ringo Posted July 25, 2004 Posted July 25, 2004 [color=blue][/color] We as wife want to know the truth... husbands too in this infidelity situation. The cheaters are NOT going to come clean to us. Therefore we turn ourselves into investigators and look for clues and pry for information. We know deep down of wrong doing but don't get the answers we deserve. We don't get the respect. My opinion is that if you know someone is doing wrong and cheating on a spouse.... tell the spouse. Regardless if you lose a friend or if someone is mad at you. At least you know you did the right thing. They may be angry at first, but will most likely thank you later.... If you were in there place, you know darn well you would want someone to tell you the truth. So why debate about it. Tell the truth.
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