Author LifeIsGreat Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 That's really good advice. Thanks. The only contact info I have for her is email. Was thinking about perhaps letting her know I realize she's under so much pressure right now, and I can see how I came across over-brearing by concentrating too much on my wants. Then let her know I'm here if she ever wants to talk and let me know how things are coming with her house, etc. Maybe even offering for us to have dinner one night next week? Then, just have fun with it and NO relationship talk. Not being a woman, sometimes it's hard for me to know the timing on this stuff. I get over things quickly---she, not so much. I realize that communicating too soon can be counter-productive. Communicating too late can also be bad. Any thoughts? This all happened Wed night.
gullibleme Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 I get over things very quickly too...I think it's because we are the ones who are more invested in the relationship. When I was the dumper however I was wanting space to think and didn't get over things fast....I just wanted him to be understanding, strong and be there, I wasn't sure where my feelings were I felt I couldn't be what he wanted in a partner either...ie-depression on my part and I really wanted to give things a chance with time, he just pressured me. When he became over bearing is when I just couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to be asked out for dinner when I was in the state of mind...it may take more than a week. You have to let her come to you...be strong and let her know you would like to see her sometime soon when she wants to..no time frame...anyhow that was my experience...it may not be exactly yours but there may be hope.
Author LifeIsGreat Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 Makes sense. She has seen my ability to be very understanding and patient (and has made comments about it). Sometimes, I make the mistake of getting wrapped up in my wants. It's been hard since she isn't a good communicater, and she has told me so----though she also said she appreciates my patience and she is willing to work on communicating. But I still don't understand if you are telling me to offer (via email) to be there for her (and do it now?) and then let her make any first move. Since I have always been the one to make the first move in apologizing, maybe shake things up and do nothing until I hear from her? I don't want to make the mistake of simply reacting instead of thinking about what I do.
gullibleme Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 yes send an e-mail then simply let her take the next steps...you just don't want to be over bearing is all I want to say...LC is what I think will help...I hope she comes around for you with time.
Author LifeIsGreat Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 Thought about things, took a nap, and think I now have more clarity. Don't have time now, but gullibme.... please check back tonight or tomorrow to check out what I post. Thanks.
Author LifeIsGreat Posted August 26, 2012 Author Posted August 26, 2012 Decided to send the email this morning. It's probably longer than most people would recommend, but I get wordy when I write. Told her she has actually exceeded my expecations in so many ways. In the areas where I thought she hadn't, told her I was wrong. She was right that after only 3 months there was no need to include me in buying a house. That my "stress" over possibly not being in the same place with our relationship is ridiculous and I shouldn't have been controlling about it, or lashed out. Told her I feel horrible that I pressured her when she already has so much pressure in her life. That perhaps I moved to fast and maybe we can simply get back to having fun with no pressures or expectations and see where it goes from there. That although I prefer that we continue seeing each other with no pressure, I would respect if she would rather not. Told her I was sincerely excited that she found a house she can feel at home in. So, how did I do? It's been 3 1/2 days since seeing each other. Hoping my timing is good with the email. I hear you have to be careful not to do it too soon, or wait too long. Thoughts?
Art_Critic Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 I'm all for introspection and owning your shortcomings but taking on other peoples shortcomings as your own isn't my idea of introspection. Why apologize for things that you felt in your heart...you didn't hurt her by wanting to be included in her house search... she hurt you.. She walked out on you.. hurting you.. Maybe the controlling aspect is why she dumped you.. that is what you should be doing some introspection on.. own it... and then take what you learned and apply it to the NEXT girl. That is what dating is all about.. figuring out what you want and don't want in a partner and adjusting yourself as you learn about those.
Author LifeIsGreat Posted August 26, 2012 Author Posted August 26, 2012 Touche... I DO like the way you think. You are right. Not sure she could be LTR material for a few reasons. She has no ability to truly communicate. When I bring something up hurtful she has said/done.... well, it's weird. Instead of simply apologizing, she actually gets angry. Anyway, although I'm not sure about LTR, I have no problem being with her casually. We have lots of fun together, and get along very well (until there is any kind of conflict). So, I date her and have a good time. 1
soccerrprp Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 LIG, I've read the entire thread and forgive me, but find your transformation from start to beginning interesting.... You went from being distressed about this woman's behavior and feeling like she "exceeded your expectations in so many ways" to "Not sure she could be LTR material for a few reasons." Is this your way of finally trying to let go? It's common to begin to project and emphasize negative characteristics of person of interest when the relationship has ended... Anyway, it seems that she is prepared to move on, so should you. You've said/emailed what you wanted, so let her make the next move. Go NC. Good luck.
Author LifeIsGreat Posted August 26, 2012 Author Posted August 26, 2012 Yes, she does excede my expectations in so many ways. However, I have been on the look out for what appears to be a lack to communicate. From my prior relationships, I know this can be a HUGE problem. I'm not sure 3 months is long enough to know for a fact one way or the other whether our communications styles will mesh. I just got a reply to my email. It said: "Thank you for your email. At this point, I would consider seeing you casually with no expectations from either side. I do have fun with you and I miss being around you." At this point, I'm willing to really slow down and see where things go. If they turn into something---great. If not, thats OK too. I just think we got off on the wrong foot by moving too fast. Fortunately, it appears the damage wasn't so bad that we can't try a 'do-over'.
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