LifeIsGreat Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 We're both 40's and married before. She divorced 1 1/2 yrs ago, and I'm the first 'real' relationship since. We met about 4 months ago, and hit it off and things moved pretty quickly between us. One of my 'needs' is to feel important and a big part of my gf's life, which I have communicated several times. Her words tell me she see's lots of potential with me, a long term future with me, and we have even discussed the potential of living together at some point in the future. However, she recently started shopping for a home to buy and has not included me in the process. I have talked with her about it a few times--- that although I realize it's her house, money, and decision, I would really like to be a big part by her asking for my opinions/input. Well, turns out she made a decision on a house and bought it---me not finding out until after the fact. Additionally, we have had some problems with texting. I have asked many times to please call when possible, instead of texting. Texting has caused us a couple of major disagreements ONLY because the text provided imcomplete information that I would have had if we had spoke. However, the texting continued. These issues make me believe that we are on different pages with our relationship, and I have communicated this very well. Her words about us don't seem to match her actions---which I have also discussed. She told me that she felt whether we are on the same page or not, she felt she could never live up to my expectations. She then told me she was going to pay for her beer and leave. I haven't heard from her in 2 days. Break-up?
TaraMaiden Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 ...I'd say.... Yup. Pretty much so..... I don't wish to offend, but just from that post, you sound a bit controlling. Has she mentioned that to you, ever? 1
Treasa Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 If my boyfriend of five months told me he wanted me to run my HOUSE BUYING decisions by him for his input, I'd tell him to piss off.
TaraMaiden Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 Well... yeah.... I was going to put it kinda like that - but ya know.... I just thought I'd let him open up a bit... You know... about his "needs"....
Author LifeIsGreat Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 Nice catch!! Yes, I have been told that before However, my 'controlling' has never been anything I would call unhealthy and it is something I continue to work on and have improved with time. Frankly, I don't think it's really controlling to ask someone to call instead of text; especially when texting has caused so much miscommunication. Also, (and I could be wrong here) I just never thought it was too much to ask to be a part of buying a house (that we both agreed we may live in together someday). I simply wanted to feel important and a part of a major life decision. I made it clear that I understood the ultimate decision was hers. There were a couple of other things I asked for that were fairly small. We spent 99% of our time at her house, which could be a bit uncomfortable since she has a 16 yr old son. He's a great guy, but when it came time to get "busy" it was hard for me to fully let go since I'm kinda loud (wink wink). I had asked her to spent a little more time at my house, but she just would not do it. Am I controlling? Perhaps.... a bit, I like things my way just like most people.
Art_Critic Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 These issues make me believe that we are on different pages with our relationship, You are.. She then told me she was going to pay for her beer and leave. I haven't heard from her in 2 days. Break-up? Seems so... 4 months isn't long so maybe it's time to find another, if you wind up making up it will just be another thing that causes the tension..
Author LifeIsGreat Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 Treasa..... totally not fair and not cool. I gave NO indication I wanted to "run" this process. I simply asked to be included. I have lived here for 25 years and owned many houses. She is new in town and has no idea of the neighborhoods. Yes, I think a woman SHOULD run from the guy you described. I can assure you, I am not THAT man.
Art_Critic Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 If my boyfriend of five months told me he wanted me to run my HOUSE BUYING decisions by him for his input, I'd tell him to piss off. I'd have a tendency to agree with the OP.. they were together and he wasn't trying to make them but more be part of the process.. he was looking for validation that she liked him.. Telling someone to piss off because they want to help you pick out your house and they are your BF would be a real reason to break up.. IMO I think she just wasn't into him...
Author LifeIsGreat Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 I think she just wasn't into him... See, that could make sense. However, her words were very different. Telling me how well I treat her, she loves me, sees soooo much potential for us, waants to be with me for a loooonnnngggg time, meeting her family, etc. Also, let me say I have spoken to 2 very mature independant lady friends of mine. They both told me that they would include a serious boyfriend in a major thing like buying a house.
TaraMaiden Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 Well, I think there's the 'controlling' aspect... If this woman may have mentioned to him that he's controlling, and it's maybe been pointed out before/already, that there seems to be a 'controlling' issue - then maybe - he is a little too controlling....? The OP doesn't seem to think he is, but then, sometimes, we don't see ourselves as other see us....
Author LifeIsGreat Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 Tara.... excellent point. I have seen your prior posts and have to say I DO respect your opinions. They seem very mature and well thought out. Yes, I am probably more controlling than I think--and will give that lots of consideration. There are times where that has caused me relationship problems, and times when it hasn't. I suppose it all comes down to being matched with someone who can accept me for who I am. Even my recent gf told me that she never felt my 'controlling' was ill willed or 'bad'. However, I have noticed that woman that come from certain types of relationships or family backgrounds are the ones that have the biggest issue with my personality.
Art_Critic Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 See, that could make sense. However, her words were very different. Telling me how well I treat her, she loves me, sees soooo much potential for us, waants to be with me for a loooonnnngggg time, meeting her family, etc. That's just life...time to let it go...like I said earlier.. 4 months in she was cutting her loses because she realized she wasn't that into you... There aren't fingers to be pointed.. dating is tough and sometimes people just don't fit...
gullibleme Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 oh jeesh hate to agree but it may be...give her space though and see if she comes around. I was his rebound and it seems you might be hers also. The texting was the worst...I HATED IT!!! He too bought a house and boat after his divorce needing to be whole again after what all he lost and although he started included me in the decision of where he should look it was ultimately his decision. It feels once we get them to fully heal and get on their feet they want to find a way out. (ego boosted-I was no longer wanted) He became very distant and the communication basically stopped. I sent him a few e-mails and texts not really begging or anything just telling what I saw was going on and I was confused. Ultimately he ended up telling me he wanted to see other girls...he hadn't been single for twenty some years so he needed to do this for himself. He didn't feel we were on the same page because I had a single life for 13 yrs and was ready to settle down but he wanted to experience being single. He said his feeling for me were everything he said but needed to make sure they were not false (OH PLEASE!!) Just let her contact you if you have any hope of seeing where it goes, If she made this decision to go it all alone there is nothing you can do, her mind might be made up and perhaps she came to this realization a while ago and you just never saw the hints...I never saw the hints but looking back I see all the red flags now...thats what sucks!!
Author LifeIsGreat Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 gulli...... exactly. I have read to not so much go by words but by actions. Perhaps we moved to fast? Anyway, I only have 3 1/2 months invested. I really would like the option of continuing to see her, but pull back a few notches. We have so much fun together, and have much in common. I would be totally OK with us just dating again, and slowly seeing where it goes from there. That raises the question for me. Do I stay completely NC or do I give it some time (how much) and try to contact her again and offer to lower my expectation. My 'needs' are quite different depending on the level of my relationship---and I have communicated that to her in the past. When she left after our conversation, she seemed quite upset/angry with me.
Art_Critic Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 Do I stay completely NC or do I give it some time (how much) and try to contact her again and offer to lower my expectation. Depends... do you want to be seen as controlling ?
TaraMaiden Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 Call her. Apologise for the upset - then let her vent. See what happens..... But for your own peace of mind, see about clarifying/dealing with this 'controlling' subject. Be open to constructive dialogue....
gullibleme Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 thats hard to say whether to go NC completely...I would say no. Just LC. I went LC and he slowly began responding to me and we would get back together..3x in one year I have to say though and it ultimately ended. Every relationship is different you need to talk to her again and see exactly where her head is at...hopefully she will be able to tell you. If she seemed angry last time you talked you may have to wait a few days but do not get upset if she doesn't respond, that will not help things. Let her slowly come back..they usually do at least ONCE!! From there it's work work work!! Are you ready for the roller coaster ride...lol
Author LifeIsGreat Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 No, I don't want to be controlling. If we back up a bit, my needs would be quite a bit different. If we moved too fast, perhaps we didn't really get to know each other enough. That takes time. More time would give me a chance to know what she perceives as controlling---I can be very adaptable without changing my core personality. Are you saying it would be controlling for me to contact her? It's weird since she never said we were breaking up. In fact, at some point during the conversation she said something like 'maybe be need to take some time to think about things'. I can't remember exactly. But she never said anything about us being apart. When we talked about the texting thing, she also said she wouldn't text me anymore since she could see now how important it was to me.
Author LifeIsGreat Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 Gulli..... i have been on that ride before and it also ended with me being expelled from the car and plummeting to my death below If there is one thing I have learned, it's don't try to force anything. I have gotten pretty good at letting women go when I see that the root issue cannot be 'fixed'. No point getting back together if everything will be the same. I truly believe we have had some miscommunication. And it could be because things moved to fast. I am more than williing to slow down and REALLY get to know each other to see how compatible we are. One reason for that is this is the first woman I have met since being divorced 7 years ago that really does it for me. Wow, I had almost given up on finding that again.
Art_Critic Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 It's weird since she never said we were breaking up. LIG.. She didn't break up, or feel she had to because in her mind you weren't together..hence the whole not being part of the house browsing thing.. She just wasn't that interested in you.. IMO you were correct to feel the way you did about the house but that was a symptom of her detachment not the actual issue... The actual issue is that she wasn't into you and she cut bait rather than reel you in.
Author LifeIsGreat Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 Tara..... thats what our last meeting was about. I apologized for getting upset with her (again, over a miscommunication via text). I told her I understood why she was upset, and how she had every right. I asked her to try to understand where my upset came from based on the miscommunication we had. Then I asked to to listen to me, and try to understand how some of her actions (compared to her words) were giving me mixed messages. It was a very calm conversation, but she seemed upset/angry/teary eyed the whole time. I'm not sure further apologizing would do the job. At the same time, I would like to offer the alternative of us spending time together without the 'pressure' of a relationship. Until she gets into her house, she will be under tremendous pressure---not only the house, but work and some other family issues. Perhaps we could slow down and see where things go? Oooops, I almost forgot. She had been taking depression meds after her divorce (1 1/2 yrs) and recently weened herself off completely. She did make a comment one night about it, and felt it may be causing her to be 'bitchy'.
Author LifeIsGreat Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 Art.... that's an interesting take. I totally can understand someone not being that into me, and that's fine. But, is it usual for a woman to feel like she has already detached yet I'm still spending almost every night at her house? We're going places together, cooking together, watching TV together, she's prepping me for meeting her parents when they come for 2 weeks to help her move next month, I'm taking her 16 year old son to the local festival today (or was supposed to before this happened Wed.). I don't know.... sounds like a relationship like that would require an official break-up. Sure, she may have be questioning whether we could really last long term; however, if not I would kinda expect a break-up-----i.e., "hey, it's been fun but I don't see this working out".
gullibleme Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 I think she may be feeling pressure from you now...she does need the space to think like she said. Doesn't mean for sure she is gone...she needs to come back to you on her own. No more apologizing...she heard everything you had to say. Just don't disappear completely if you want things to workout. A short "have a nice day" or "thinking of you" in a few days will soften her heart perhaps, the ball is in her court and she will tell you if she wants to go to dating or not....her weening herself off of meds might not have been the right thing to do with all she is experiencing and may find she needs them again to cope....been there done that....No more long texts...believe me it could be the ultimate demise of the relationship, we had sooo many miscommunications through texts it was awful...don't go there.
Author LifeIsGreat Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 Gulli.... thanks very much, and I think you are right. So you think I shouldn't be the one to propose that we slow down? Based on her history of being left for another woman, I think she would appreciate me being proactive. I think it would make her feel special. I tend to communicate best through writing. I don't have her tel number anymore, since I deleted it when she left because we were at a bar and I knew that I would wind up drunk dialing her. Perhaps a quick email to say hi and ask her out to dinner? Maybe over dinner I could propose we slow things down and see how things work out after she is settled in her new house?
gullibleme Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 Actually you have already slowed down if you think about it....just see where it goes from here. Like I said it is up to her...just let her know your there for her..be calm cool and collected...I think she may come back and suggest that on her own since there never was an actual breakup...I don't think she wants to lose you but is under alot of stress and pressure...she wants a strong man right now but not an over bearing one.
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