Emk522 Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 I'll tell you the whole story, because I need some advice on what to do. No disrespectful replies please. Let's call my man Ben. Ben and me have been in a relationship for 5 months now. A long distance relationship. But we've known each other for a little more than 9 months. We are very close, and we talk almost everyday. We both love each other very much, and we have plans for a future already. But his ex-girlfriend is ruining everything for me. She's always there, and he doesn't seem to want to push her away. I'm grateful that he tells me about her. But still, I would have wanted him to show her her limits. He broke up with her almost 7 years ago, being completely single before he met me. She had been cheating on him behind his back with his best friend. He tried killing himself. Twice. As he was very young then. The first time, I asked Ben to tell me about her. And he did briefly. He described her to me, and I fell in love with her. Because he specifically said, "she was kind to me". I didn't take into consideration then that she had cheated on him. So I looked up to her. She was like a fairy to me. She was beautiful, he said. And she looked exactly the same as me, which I found strange but I let it go. About a month afterwards, we were talking for a long time then he suddenly got very angry and furious. I asked him what was going on. And he said that his ex called him that day, and when she asked what was going on with him, he felt useless. Because he actually had nothing going on for him. I made him feel better, like I always did. And we moved on. I hated her for doing that to my man. But I moved on, and I didn't let it get too me too much. But I realized then, that Ben might have some feelings left for her. I may be wrong. A couple of weeks after, I missed how lovingly he talked about her. So I asked him to tell me about her again. And he did, giving me more details, more intimate details. I felt furious and jealous. I asked him why he was talking about her in such a lovely happy way. And he said that I'm seeing it wrong, that every time he thinks about her he gets depressed. Thinking about how he lost his best friend. He told me that he wasn't meant to be with her. And maybe that happened so he could have the chance to open a new page with me. And I let it go again. Believing that his feelings all belong to me. A few days after, he was about to donate plasma, and he was very very afraid. Surprisingly, his ex called him again, asking for both of them only to hang out together. He refused her offer. And talked about the plasma donations. And she made him feel better. At that point, I wanted to kill that person. I hated her. I hated how much she could reach out to him, and I couldn't. I was jealous, and confused. I asked him if he still loved her, and he said yes. He loved her like he loved his other friends, because once he falls in love with a person, he never stops loving them no matter what they do. I couldn't believe myself, that he had said that to my face. It took it's time but I let it go. On his birthday, we had spent the day almost together. I told him that I couldn't live that way while his ex was always there. I couldn't sleep, eat or hang out with my friends without thinking about how the two of them used to be like. Because they sounded like the perfect couple. He assured me that she wasn't on his mind. It was only me, and he doesn't want to see me get that hurt about someone who's not a major part in any of our lives. And we closed it there. I know it's not major problems, but I want to do something about it. I asked him not to answer her when she calls, and he refused. Strictly. I don't know what to do, and I don't know why he's refusing to see that he shouldn't be friends with a person who calls him just to harrass him. I'm confused. Any help?
HeavenOrHell Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 It doesn't sounds like she calls just to harass him, how do you mean? Sounds like she can't let go. I still love some of my ex's, but that doesn't mean I want to be with them now, you can love an ex but not be in love with them anymore. >A couple of weeks after, I missed how lovingly he talked about her. So I asked him to tell me about her again. And he did, giving me more details, more intimate details. I felt furious and jealous. I asked him why he was talking about her in such a lovely happy way.< I don't understand why you missed him talking lovingly about her? Surely that's the last thing you want to hear, clearly it was as it made you furious and jealous, so why did you ask him to talk about her again? My partner's ex used to stay over most weekends and slept in his bed still as she used to have nightmares, and she was emotionally dependent on him still, I had to ask him to make the boundaries clear with her as he's with me now, so he asked her and she got tearful, so it made me look like a bitch I guess, the pair of them were naive rather than deliberately being thoughtless, but he apologised to me. I also asked him to just let her stay once a month rather than every weekend, which he didd, then she moved away, so they just have phone and online contact now. I did trust him with her, knew they wouldn't have sex still, but I wasn't happy with the closeness they still had, made the distance harder to deal with, when they were together at weekends and I was on my own. He's given you no reason not to trust him. I'll tell you the whole story, because I need some advice on what to do. No disrespectful replies please. Let's call my man Ben. Ben and me have been in a relationship for 5 months now. A long distance relationship. But we've known each other for a little more than 9 months. We are very close, and we talk almost everyday. We both love each other very much, and we have plans for a future already. But his ex-girlfriend is ruining everything for me. She's always there, and he doesn't seem to want to push her away. I'm grateful that he tells me about her. But still, I would have wanted him to show her her limits. He broke up with her almost 7 years ago, being completely single before he met me. She had been cheating on him behind his back with his best friend. He tried killing himself. Twice. As he was very young then. The first time, I asked Ben to tell me about her. And he did briefly. He described her to me, and I fell in love with her. Because he specifically said, "she was kind to me". I didn't take into consideration then that she had cheated on him. So I looked up to her. She was like a fairy to me. She was beautiful, he said. And she looked exactly the same as me, which I found strange but I let it go. About a month afterwards, we were talking for a long time then he suddenly got very angry and furious. I asked him what was going on. And he said that his ex called him that day, and when she asked what was going on with him, he felt useless. Because he actually had nothing going on for him. I made him feel better, like I always did. And we moved on. I hated her for doing that to my man. But I moved on, and I didn't let it get too me too much. But I realized then, that Ben might have some feelings left for her. I may be wrong. A couple of weeks after, I missed how lovingly he talked about her. So I asked him to tell me about her again. And he did, giving me more details, more intimate details. I felt furious and jealous. I asked him why he was talking about her in such a lovely happy way. And he said that I'm seeing it wrong, that every time he thinks about her he gets depressed. Thinking about how he lost his best friend. He told me that he wasn't meant to be with her. And maybe that happened so he could have the chance to open a new page with me. And I let it go again. Believing that his feelings all belong to me. A few days after, he was about to donate plasma, and he was very very afraid. Surprisingly, his ex called him again, asking for both of them only to hang out together. He refused her offer. And talked about the plasma donations. And she made him feel better. At that point, I wanted to kill that person. I hated her. I hated how much she could reach out to him, and I couldn't. I was jealous, and confused. I asked him if he still loved her, and he said yes. He loved her like he loved his other friends, because once he falls in love with a person, he never stops loving them no matter what they do. I couldn't believe myself, that he had said that to my face. It took it's time but I let it go. On his birthday, we had spent the day almost together. I told him that I couldn't live that way while his ex was always there. I couldn't sleep, eat or hang out with my friends without thinking about how the two of them used to be like. Because they sounded like the perfect couple. He assured me that she wasn't on his mind. It was only me, and he doesn't want to see me get that hurt about someone who's not a major part in any of our lives. And we closed it there. I know it's not major problems, but I want to do something about it. I asked him not to answer her when she calls, and he refused. Strictly. I don't know what to do, and I don't know why he's refusing to see that he shouldn't be friends with a person who calls him just to harrass him. I'm confused. Any help?
Author Emk522 Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 1. She used to call him and tell him how she used to have orgasms only when he touched her, and she misses that so much. And she would like them to get back together and such. That's what I mean about harrassment. Also, she still posts on his facebook account a lot of things. Nothing inappropriate, but things for them to keep in touch. 2. I don't expect anyone to understand when I tell you that I thought of them as the perfect couple. He said she was beautiful and kind to him. I envied the kind of love he had for her. How they seemed to be very good together. Of course it made me jealous, but at the same time, it made me look forward to having that kind of relationship with Ben. I know it's not understandable. I don't understand it very much either. It just seemed like a happy memory in the beginning. 3.The thing about all this, is that I'm not afraid he'd go back to her. He knows better than to do that. But she's hurting our relationship one way or another. Either she makes me upset by interfering, or makes him feel depressed and worthless. He told me to stop him whenever he mentions her. Can you imagine how that sounds like? It sounds like he mentions her a lot of times. I would ask him to stop mentioning her too much, but doesn't that just mean that he thinks about her?
justwhoiam Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 She needs to get out of his life, if she cannot be respectful of his current life. You need to talk to him. Try asking him: how would you feel if one of my exes called me frequently and hooked up with me, and mentioned how I used to give him wonderful orgasms, etc.? Would you accept that? Would you be ready to be with me and have that? Would you think it would be respectful towards you? Etc. I guess he will think about it and realize what is going on. If talking to her and keeping that kind of bond is more important than your respect & well-being, you'd better let him go. Seriously. You will always have to live with her presence throughout your life.
Author Emk522 Posted August 26, 2012 Author Posted August 26, 2012 She needs to get out of his life, if she cannot be respectful of his current life. You need to talk to him. Try asking him: how would you feel if one of my exes called me frequently and hooked up with me, and mentioned how I used to give him wonderful orgasms, etc.? Would you accept that? Would you be ready to be with me and have that? Would you think it would be respectful towards you? Etc. I guess he will think about it and realize what is going on. If talking to her and keeping that kind of bond is more important than your respect & well-being, you'd better let him go. Seriously. You will always have to live with her presence throughout your life. I never told him that "what if it were me.." kind of thing. But he knows it upsets me. He knows very well that he's considered not telling me when she calls because it upsets me. The main problem can be that she's in a relationship herself so I don't understand what she's trying to do. I talk to him about it, and he says that she knows he has a girlfriend. And that it's an improvement that she's only called 4 or 5 times since March. And When I asked him not to pick up his phone when she calls, he said that I had the right to be upset about it, but also that he can't keep ignoring her calls all his life. He also told me that it gets worse when he doesn't pick it up, and that she once went to his place just to talk to him. So it's better if he just answers her, and gets it done with. I'm positive that he loves me. And I'm positive that he'll choose me if he has to choose. But it seems like he doesn't want to choose. It seems like he doesn't want to push her away. I don't want to make him choose though, I'm not that kind of girl, and so I don't know if it'll make me happy. I'm very confused. We love each other, and I really don't want someone like her to be the cause of us breaking up, because that will make her more satisfied than ever.
justwhoiam Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 He knows very well that he's considered not telling me when she calls because it upsets me. So be it. Be prepared not to be told anything.
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