A year on and I'm still struggling...

[toffeecream77]

It's been a year since I received an email telling me it was over. He said he didn't want to talk because he was quite upset. But that was a lie. Ten days later, he had a big party and got together with another girl. They're still together.

 

I thought I'd be over it in a year. I've travelled extensively, taken up new hobbies, read self help books, been on antidepressants, gone N/C etc.

 

But I feel almost as awful as a year ago. I go through phases. It doesn't help that my work has not gone well this year. That's something that used to pick me up. But I'm not successful anymore.

 

Being friends with him would have helped. It would have showed a human side, that he cared. But he doesn't want to know really -- after all, he wouldn't want to make his new gf jealous. I've sent him a few msgs saying let's be friends (and I would have been ok with it) but he hasn't bothered apart from the one time we met up.

 

I saw him two months ago when I dropped by his city for work. I just wanted to say hi. And it helped me a great deal. I was feeling happier back then, and it felt empowering to be able to see him. I thought: I must be moving on. But the meeting was odd. Not from my end tho. He couldn't even look me in the eyes when we spoke. He looked awful. And he didn't ask me a single question or make a nice comment -- and they were freely coming out of my mouth! He mentioned he was going on holiday with his girlfriend and I was absolutely fine with hearing about that. Then I caught a flight home the next day and all was forgotten. Well, not entirely. I've been thinking about it for a year -- why her, not me? Many factors come into it -- we were LDR, I didn't fall in love quickly, he felt I was indifferent etc.

 

I'm over the break up. It was brutal. We spoke a few days after he sent that email. He told me he never loved me (despite visiting me a few days earlier to tell me how much he loved me). He told me I wasn't for him. Yet this guy travelled to visit me every two weeks, spending so much time and money.

 

Anyway, the last meeting worked well for me so when I was in his city again for work 10 days ago, I suggested meeting up. But he said he couldn't -- even tho he was based only 10mins away. His parents were visiting and he was with his gf that night. He wasn't free on the weeknd, but on the Monday, which is when I was leaving.

 

I told him that was fine and it would be nice to hear from him once in a while. After all, he's not sent a single message in a whole year to ask how I am. He replied that he's busy, I can tell him about my trip another time and that he just doesn't message in the same way I do.

 

Now I know I'm going to get a load of replies saying stop contacting him etc, it'll make it better. But I'd rather you don't reply with a comment like that please. Things aren't any better if it's been N/C for months on end.

 

I just wonder if I will ever get over him and how cold he is. I can't seem to escape thoughts of him.

[Thierro]

Sometimes you'll never get over someone. It takes time, a lot of time and effort. For some a few months is enough, for others it can take years. It depends on so many factors.

 

First love will always change you no matter what. Eventually you'll love someone else. Not the same as your ex. It's going to be different. That doesn't always mean good neither bad.

 

It takes a strong outlook to move on from this and appreciate the not forever lasting moments you had together. You want them to be happy. If this means being happy without you, so be it. Let them, give them space. If you don't give them space by keeping in contact, you will drive them away.

 

The truth is: NC will help you get over it. I know your heart will probably do something else. That's ok, you'll learn from your mistakes. You read about all the experiences from LS members, but you'll think it's different for the two of you.

 

Take your time, reflect on things.

[toffeecream77]

Sometimes you'll never get over someone.

 

Take your time, reflect on things.

 

I am so afraid of not ever being over him. And I don't want to reflect on things anymore. It's been a whole year! And I've been through hell, and been so alone.

 

I don't feel like the person I was. I've lost my spark, my confidence and my drive. He destroyed me.

 

But I do have one thing -- at least I can hold my head up high and never be able to treat someone as cruelly as he did to me. Why? I guess it was a way to push me away.

 

I just wish I knew how to feel strong and gain my power back.

[Thierro]

I am so afraid of not ever being over him. And I don't want to reflect on things anymore. It's been a whole year! And I've been through hell, and been so alone.

 

I don't feel like the person I was. I've lost my spark, my confidence and my drive. He destroyed me.

 

But I do have one thing -- at least I can hold my head up high and never be able to treat someone as cruelly as he did to me. Why? I guess it was a way to push me away.

 

I just wish I knew how to feel strong and gain my power back.

 

 

You let him destroy you. If you were confident enough before and during the relationship, you wouldn’t have had such a hard time coping with this. Knowing and appreciating your self-worth is important before you take on the responsibility and risk to be in a relationship. How much you are hurting right now is not just a reflection of how much you loved him, but also a sign of being too dependent on someone. You need to work on that first before you can ever have a healthy and stable relationship again. You feel betrayed by what happened. But the things that happened aren’t a reflection of who you are. Once you are able to appreciate who you are you’ll be able to get over him and any other guy that break-ups with you in the future.

 

You lost your spark because he was too ingrained with who you are. You don’t feel like the person you were because he was you.

[toffeecream77]

You let him destroy you. If you were confident enough before and during the relationship, you wouldn’t have had such a hard time coping with this. Knowing and appreciating your self-worth is important before you take on the responsibility and risk to be in a relationship. How much you are hurting right now is not just a reflection of how much you loved him, but also a sign of being too dependent on someone. You need to work on that first before you can ever have a healthy and stable relationship again. You feel betrayed by what happened. But the things that happened aren’t a reflection of who you are. Once you are able to appreciate who you are you’ll be able to get over him and any other guy that break-ups with you in the future.

 

You lost your spark because he was too ingrained with who you are. You don’t feel like the person you were because he was you.

 

I totally see where you're coming from. And I've seen it happen to my friends. But this didn't happen in my situation.

 

When I met him, and during our relationship, I was extremely confident, strong and independent -- in fact, he felt intimidated by that. I could have had all the greatest and strongest qualities but none prepare you for heartbreak caused by lies and cheating.

 

I have lost the person I am because of devastation, depression and my career not going as well as I had planned. Not because I lost myself in our relationship.

[stemac]

its nothing to do with"being too dependent on someone" as Thierro says

 

she loved him put all her care and love into him and he Re-pays her like this of course she going to feel like this loving and caring people do, they don't have a swinging Brick for a heart like some people including my Ex

 

 

toffeecream77 i cant say its going to get better , but i think it will oneday

your human with feeling and a good heart be proud of that :-)

if he couldn't see that its his loss not yours

 

 

try keep your chin up

i know its hard im going through hell

at the moment, but keep post if you need to talk :-)

[toffeecream77]

Thanks for your kind message, Stemac. I agree with you, and I really need some support at the moment, that's why I'm here, so will continue to post.

 

I think Thierro is right -- that's why I have always asserted my independence in relationships. It is all too easy to lose yourself and become dependent. I learnt that the hard way many years ago so I am keen not to repeat that mistake!

 

I have so many unresolved thoughts and feelings about my ex. And I have no idea why. It didn't even take me this long to get over my first true love -- after we broke up, it took me 6 months to get to a good place of acceptance. I loved my ex but knew we weren't meant to be (he came back after 8 months tho, and we tried again. didn't work out but we're still good friends).

 

With my recent ex, I'm still loving him and not at a place of acceptance. I have no idea why either.

 

Perhaps it's because after 8 months, I finally opened up and told him I loved him. I was going for hospital check ups and he promised to be there for me. He came to visit me, told me he loved me and said he'd organise a party for me. A few days later, he emailed to say it as over. Ten days later, he was screwing a new girl at the party. Two weeks later, he told me he never loved me. And hasn't sent a message to ask how my health is or how I am.

 

The crazy thing is that he was so into me...or appeared so. He was visiting me in my country all the time, telling me how mad he was about me etc. How can someone go from that to nothing? He must have been playing me all along?

 

And it bothers me that he doesn't feel able to be friends. I'm friends with all of my exs. My ex behaves as if I'm the one who screwed him over. What gives?

 

What I would give not to have these feelings anymore!

 

It's been a whole year, he's been with someone a whole year and I have yet to even *think* about seeing someone.

 

I might be moving back to his city for work. It used to be my dream to go back. There are hardly any jobs in my city. But I'm scared...will I be even more consumed by thoughts of him?

[TaraMaiden]

With my recent ex, I'm still loving him and not at a place of acceptance. I have no idea why either.

 

Sorry... I'm not sure when exactly you had any contact with him, either F2F or by 'phone....?

Because you're only broken up from the time of your last contact.

 

No Contact means exactly that.

None, zero, not a word, not a text, not an email, not a meeting - zilch. Nada. Zip.

 

'Contact' - means that effectively, you just keep stirring the embers and adding more fuel.... and so, effectively, keeping something 'alive' (no matter what it is) means that in fact - you're still simmering.

 

So - determine this -

When exactly you had any contact with him, either F2F or by 'phone....?

 

To give reason, to this:

I'm still loving him and not at a place of acceptance.

[toffeecream77]

Another thing I used to pride myself on was the fact that I wasn't jealous or controlling of him like his previous girlfriends. I gave him space, I never questioned him etc.

 

Yet a few nights before he left to visit me for the last time, he told me about going for drinks with one of his friends. Apparently, she called him to say there were cheap tickets for an open air concert. I thought nothing of it. I only found out recently that she was the friend he left me for.

 

A few days after the drinks things, he jumped on a plane to see me. He was telling me how much he loved me. A few days after that, I got the email.

 

So he must have been thinking about her the whole time during that weekend...the weekend I decided to open up in a way that I have never opened up about my feelings. My worst nightmare come true -- a man telling me he loved me when he never did. He even said so.

 

The pain is so intolerable right now. I feel like such an idiot. I really feel like I want to die just to make it go away. And I'm still here crying while they're still together -- somehow, it justifies what happened to me.

 

I feel like such a chump. They've even been together longer than we were together. I meant nothing to him.

[BooBoo1982]

It's been a year since I received an email telling me it was over. He said he didn't want to talk because he was quite upset. But that was a lie. Ten days later, he had a big party and got together with another girl. They're still together.

 

I thought I'd be over it in a year. I've travelled extensively, taken up new hobbies, read self help books, been on antidepressants, gone N/C etc.

 

But I feel almost as awful as a year ago. I go through phases. It doesn't help that my work has not gone well this year. That's something that used to pick me up. But I'm not successful anymore.

 

Being friends with him would have helped. It would have showed a human side, that he cared. But he doesn't want to know really -- after all, he wouldn't want to make his new gf jealous. I've sent him a few msgs saying let's be friends (and I would have been ok with it) but he hasn't bothered apart from the one time we met up.

 

I saw him two months ago when I dropped by his city for work. I just wanted to say hi. And it helped me a great deal. I was feeling happier back then, and it felt empowering to be able to see him. I thought: I must be moving on. But the meeting was odd. Not from my end tho. He couldn't even look me in the eyes when we spoke. He looked awful. And he didn't ask me a single question or make a nice comment -- and they were freely coming out of my mouth! He mentioned he was going on holiday with his girlfriend and I was absolutely fine with hearing about that. Then I caught a flight home the next day and all was forgotten. Well, not entirely. I've been thinking about it for a year -- why her, not me? Many factors come into it -- we were LDR, I didn't fall in love quickly, he felt I was indifferent etc.

 

I'm over the break up. It was brutal. We spoke a few days after he sent that email. He told me he never loved me (despite visiting me a few days earlier to tell me how much he loved me). He told me I wasn't for him. Yet this guy travelled to visit me every two weeks, spending so much time and money.

 

Anyway, the last meeting worked well for me so when I was in his city again for work 10 days ago, I suggested meeting up. But he said he couldn't -- even tho he was based only 10mins away. His parents were visiting and he was with his gf that night. He wasn't free on the weeknd, but on the Monday, which is when I was leaving.

 

I told him that was fine and it would be nice to hear from him once in a while. After all, he's not sent a single message in a whole year to ask how I am. He replied that he's busy, I can tell him about my trip another time and that he just doesn't message in the same way I do.

 

Now I know I'm going to get a load of replies saying stop contacting him etc, it'll make it better. But I'd rather you don't reply with a comment like that please. Things aren't any better if it's been N/C for months on end.

 

I just wonder if I will ever get over him and how cold he is. I can't seem to escape thoughts of him.

 

In what way aren't you successful anymore? I think you are being too harsh on yourself, look at what you've achieved in your year without him, you don't need him you just think you do.

[toffeecream77]

In what way aren't you successful anymore? I think you are being too harsh on yourself, look at what you've achieved in your year without him, you don't need him you just think you do.

 

My work hasn't gone so well this year.

 

I feel so incredibly pathetic that I'm still here, a year on, crying over some guy who treated me so disgustingly. A year on, while I cry, he celebrates being with his girlfriend for a year.

 

I want to let go. But I can't seem to. I've never had this problem before.

[TaraMaiden]

see my post #8 - and answer the question, hun.....

[toffeecream77]

see my post #8 - and answer the question, hun.....

 

A few weeks ago...but it doesn't have anything to do with how I feel now. I've gone for months and months with NC and still felt the way I do now. Perhaps I need to accept that I will always feel this way.

 

 

I also blame myself for the break up. I was going through a bad time last year and was extremely cautious because I didn't want to be hurt. I was hesistant and defensive. And he felt I was 'indifferent'. So that's why we broke up. If I was a better girlfriend, we might still be together. But I made things difficult. Only because I was trying to protect myself. I was very honest and explained all of this to him. So maybe I shouldn't feel so bad. But I can see why/how I pushed him away. All of that, on top of LDR, was a toxic mix.

 

I wish I could meet someone to make this all go away. Maybe that's what I need -- a good, honest man who I click with. A rare gem to find though.

 

I see people moving on so quickly, and finding new partners so soon after a break up. Why can't I be like that? Why can't I be like that a year on from a man who broke my heart? What the hell is wrong with me?

[TaraMaiden]

A few weeks ago...but it doesn't have anything to do with how I feel now. I've gone for months and months with NC and still felt the way I do now. Perhaps I need to accept that I will always feel this way.

You just keep opening up to the pain....

You just keep ripping out the stitches, and hurting yourself... You don't give yourself time....

 

I see people moving on so quickly, and finding new partners so soon after a break up. Why can't I be like that?

 

Because you don't give yourself a break, or the opportunity to move on. You self-sabotage, darling... you hold yourself back, partly because you believe nothing 'that good' will ever happen again. So you stay stuck, in your safe "pain and suffering' circle...

 

Why can't I be like that a year on from a man who broke my heart? What the hell is wrong with me?

 

It's not " a year on".... it's a short while ago - you feel pain and misery in between - because you never actually let go.

 

What's wrong with you?

I think you know.

You're in self-imposed hell.

With a door that's wide open to escape, no key required.

Yet, there you are, and there you stay....

[Agni]

I am so afraid of not ever being over him. And I don't want to reflect on things anymore. It's been a whole year! And I've been through hell, and been so alone.

 

I don't feel like the person I was. I've lost my spark, my confidence and my drive. He destroyed me.

 

But I do have one thing -- at least I can hold my head up high and never be able to treat someone as cruelly as he did to me. Why? I guess it was a way to push me away.

 

I just wish I knew how to feel strong and gain my power back.

I feel your pain and have experienced similar feelings. I wish I had some words of comfort or wisdom to provide you. I agree with other posts that self-worth and valuing yourself above all else has something to do with it. It's not a linear process though. Sounds to me you are on the right track though, stay patient and have faith that at some point the suffering will lift and you can be at a place of acceptance. thank you for sharing.

[Van Damm]

It's been a year since I received an email telling me it was over. He said he didn't want to talk because he was quite upset. But that was a lie. Ten days later, he had a big party and got together with another girl. They're still together.

 

I thought I'd be over it in a year. I've travelled extensively, taken up new hobbies, read self help books, been on antidepressants, gone N/C etc.

 

But I feel almost as awful as a year ago. I go through phases. It doesn't help that my work has not gone well this year. That's something that used to pick me up. But I'm not successful anymore.

 

Being friends with him would have helped. It would have showed a human side, that he cared. But he doesn't want to know really -- after all, he wouldn't want to make his new gf jealous. I've sent him a few msgs saying let's be friends (and I would have been ok with it) but he hasn't bothered apart from the one time we met up.

 

I saw him two months ago when I dropped by his city for work. I just wanted to say hi. And it helped me a great deal. I was feeling happier back then, and it felt empowering to be able to see him. I thought: I must be moving on. But the meeting was odd. Not from my end tho. He couldn't even look me in the eyes when we spoke. He looked awful. And he didn't ask me a single question or make a nice comment -- and they were freely coming out of my mouth! He mentioned he was going on holiday with his girlfriend and I was absolutely fine with hearing about that. Then I caught a flight home the next day and all was forgotten. Well, not entirely. I've been thinking about it for a year -- why her, not me? Many factors come into it -- we were LDR, I didn't fall in love quickly, he felt I was indifferent etc.

 

I'm over the break up. It was brutal. We spoke a few days after he sent that email. He told me he never loved me (despite visiting me a few days earlier to tell me how much he loved me). He told me I wasn't for him. Yet this guy travelled to visit me every two weeks, spending so much time and money.

 

Anyway, the last meeting worked well for me so when I was in his city again for work 10 days ago, I suggested meeting up. But he said he couldn't -- even tho he was based only 10mins away. His parents were visiting and he was with his gf that night. He wasn't free on the weeknd, but on the Monday, which is when I was leaving.

 

I told him that was fine and it would be nice to hear from him once in a while. After all, he's not sent a single message in a whole year to ask how I am. He replied that he's busy, I can tell him about my trip another time and that he just doesn't message in the same way I do.

 

Now I know I'm going to get a load of replies saying stop contacting him etc, it'll make it better. But I'd rather you don't reply with a comment like that please. Things aren't any better if it's been N/C for months on end.

 

I just wonder if I will ever get over him and how cold he is. I can't seem to escape thoughts of him.

 

 

I think you can only gauge how long it takes to get over person by the duration of the relationship, how serious it was and/or what you yourself are doing to actually heal and move on IMHO.

 

I also feel that offering friendship is counterproductive - it isn' going to help you get over him but prolong feelings for him whether friendly, romantic, whatever but im' inclined to believe its the former. You will get over him in time, so stick it out and don't give up. One thing you won't do, is forget him and that goes for any ex, none of us here can completely forget an ex - only a brain transplant or memory removal would solve that issue lol.

 

Best thing is to continue doing what you're doing, stay proactive, surround yourself with friends and family, a support group if need be but you really have to stop the LC and go NC. As much as you're blocking your ears to this advice of going NC, it's the best and healthiest way to go, but by all means if you want to drag the whole process out and beg for friendship go ahead but it'll only stall any chances of you fully getting over him.

 

Again I don't know how long your relationship was, and cliches are cliches for a reason, but time heals. So continue focusing on your life and not being besties with an ex. There are plenty of people in this vast planet to be friends with

Edited August 25, 2012 by Van Damm

[toffeecream77]

you really have to stop the LC and go NC.

 

The only reason Ive been in touch with him is for him to return being 'nice'. Despite what happened, I forgave him and reached out. Yet never once has he genuinely made me feel like he was happy to hear from me, or reciporate. Not once. In fact, several times he's 'forgotten to reply' etc. I've only tried to make it nice because I'm not the kind of person who can deal with negative lingering feelings. You know, it's great to forgive, move on and be nice -- even if you can't be friends who talk every day etc.

 

I'm friends with all my other exs -- because they are compassionate people. Where as my ex behaves as if I'm toxic, as if I'm the one who led him on, lied to him and left him for someone else. He couldn't even look me in the eyes, slouched down and stared into his coffee the last time I saw him.

 

I've mentioned a few times all I'd like is for him to say hi once in a while because he hadn't once. He replied that we're just different people. But that's not true. He sees his other ex all the time.

 

I need to accept, which makes it painful, that he just doesn't want to know (for whatever reason) me and I need to stop. He's not been 'nice' in a whole year, and I doubt he'll decide to from now on. It just makes it even more painful for me.

[Jingle14]

I am so afraid of not ever being over him. And I don't want to reflect on things anymore. It's been a whole year! And I've been through hell, and been so alone.

 

I don't feel like the person I was. I've lost my spark, my confidence and my drive. He destroyed me.

 

But I do have one thing -- at least I can hold my head up high and never be able to treat someone as cruelly as he did to me. Why? I guess it was a way to push me away.

 

I just wish I knew how to feel strong and gain my power back.

 

I know how you feel. Its been 15 months for me, longer than the actual relationship itself. I went to a retreat in January, only for 3 days but it was 3 days of hard counselling and thinking. The counsellor instilled in me that I had to create a new life for myself and that's what I've done. I took on another position at work which means I am away from home 3 days a week, I made new friends and now have a new busy social life from joining social groups on the Internet (which I would never of thought of doing before but there is so much out there). I am also well on the way to repairing my relationship with my young son, after a year of Hell where he refused to speak to me and would be physically and verbally abusive whenever he was brought to see me - we have just returned from a week's holiday and a few days break in London and now have a close and loving relationship again.

 

It's hard work, I'm not underestimating that. From last July through to January, I spent pretty much every weekend alone, my pleas to see my son ignored, so would stay in bed with the curtains shut from getting home from work on Friday afternoon to going back on Monday. I was in constant tears, not eating but drinking far too much. I have had to dig deep and drag myself back to life and fight to get my son back.

 

However, I still have that deep, underlying sadness and I don't know - but I hope - if it will ever go away. 'He' was my 'one' and I loved him more than life itself. He lives and works in my neighbourhood and it sickens me to my stomach to know he is lying on his sofa with someone else under the blanket we chose together only a 3 minute drive from my home. I hope your ex lives far away from you as I know having 'him' in such close proximity, and all the resultant reminders everywhere, has made it so much harder for me. He also destroyed me - I was a strong, independent, very capable woman who was always part-jokingly referred to as the Ice Queen, as I was aloof and really quite reserved and unattainable. I felt safe with him and allowed him right into my heart as I trusted him with it. I was reduced to a pathetic, crying, sobbing, snivelling wreck, begging him to come back to me. Friends I'd had for years and who had never seen me cry didn't recognise the person I became. They think I'm back to 'normal me' now, and that's what I let them think. I might not be crying but they don't know what goes on inside, the hurt, pain and sadness, along with coldness, deep anger and bitterness.

 

Keep busy, that's the best advice I can give you. And good luck.

Edited August 26, 2012 by Jingle14

[TaraMaiden]

The only reason Ive been in touch with him is for him to return being 'nice'. .....

I'm friends with all my other exs -- because they are compassionate people. Where as my ex behaves as if I'm toxic, .....

 

I've mentioned a few times all I'd like is for him to say hi once in a while because he hadn't once. .....

I need to accept, which makes it painful, that he just doesn't want to know me and I need to stop.

 

This is it, in a nutshell.

And if he thinks you're toxic, even more reason to steer well clear.

you're beginning to believe him, and it's not true.

You need to pur as much love, affection and care into looking after, and loving yourself - as you have towards him.

Trust us - the reward is greater.

Quit now, for good, go NC, and stay NC.

 

You have to do this, or you're steadily going to become completely utterly useless to everyone - and for what?

How long did you go out with him for??

[Sugarkane]

I can absolutely relate. I was also dumped in the same fashion out of the blue and told to f off. My ex refused to talk to me and never cobtacted me about such a bizarre breakup. After I was dumped cruelly I told him I hope someone screws you over and does exactly the same thong to you one day. My ex also makes out that he's the victim aswell. Don't believe it, it's just so they look like the victim in front of everyone. If that's the way he treated you, guess what the new gf is going to get? Probably the same BS. don't believe his BS this guy is an Ahole.

[Sugarkane]

I always wish someone would screw these people over no matter what.

[toffeecream77]

To everyone who has posted -- thank you all so much. It is so great to read your individual posts; always full of great advice. Also, at a basic level, it helps to know I'm not alone.

 

Sugarkane -- I wish so too. And I wish I didn't! I hope I'll get to that stage of acceptance and good wishes one day.

 

I've been feeling a bit better over the last couple of days, which is why I haven't been on here. I no longer have a desire to see or speak to my ex to provide a point, like how 'over' him I am, or to make him see what he's missing out on. I've even given up on being friends to lessen the hurt because he's shown time and time again that he's not interested in friendly relations. And for the first time it feels quite liberating. What it hasn't done, though, is make me miss him any less. In fact, after months of NC, I only miss him more.

 

I look forward to the day when I don't miss him and I can look back and think he had no significance or impact on my life. But right now, after a year of feeling so miserable and heartbroken, I don't think that's going to be anytime soon.