Reader's Digest of Solemate's Basic Relationship Guidance

[SoleMate]

1) Love yourself first.

 

2) When words and actions conflict, trust the actions.

 

3) When words and actions show that he/she doesn't want to be with you, then accept that.

 

4) Don't have affairs with married or attached people.

 

5) Don't have affairs with serial cheaters.

 

6) Don't ever think that your love or your great personal qualities will keep a serial cheater from cheating on you.

 

7) When your H/W/GF/BF tells you they're lonely and they want more closeness and attention, do your best to give it to them.

 

8) Take pleasure in nurturing your relationship and your partner.

 

9) Let me say it again....Don't have affairs with married or attached people.

 

10) Don't have relationships at work.

 

11) If you must have a relationship at work, make sure you're at the same level of authority and work in different departments, locations or programs so you rarely or never have to work together directly.

 

12) If you have a relationship with a close coworker, be prepared for your life to become hellish after a breakup. It's a drag to lose your BF/GF, but then to also find your job unbearable because of the constant contact, well......just don't.

 

13) It's worth saying again....don't have affairs with married or attached people.

 

14) To help make your relationship happy and durable, read His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley.

 

15) To address issues relating to infrequent or absent sex in marriage, read The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis.

 

16) To address interpersonal issues generally, as we ll as individual issues like depression and anxiety, read The Feeling Good Handbook by Aaron Beck.

 

17) Be very cautious with any other relationship book out there, as many of them are counter-factual and counter-productive. Anyone can just make stuff up and put it between two flashy covers, and many do.

 

18) Know what you will and won't accept in a relationship.

 

19) Don't chase someone who isn't nice to you. (You can chase someone who claims not to be romantically interested, but only as long as they are pleasant and courteous, and maybe you'll win out in the end.)

 

20) Don't ever be unduly afraid of leaving someone who treats you badly and won't fix it.

 

21) Be aware that if you find the urge to come on Loveshack and spend hours posting defensively about your relationship, it's probably not a healthy one for you.

[TaraMaiden]

Great checklist.

 

I would just add though, Don't have affairs with married or attached people.

I think it needs to be said....

[quankanne]

I'd like to expound on the "Don't have affairs with married or attached people" guide ...

 

Don't settle for half of someone's attention and possibly none of their real affection by entering a relationship with someone who is "taken" (marriage or what is considered a committed relationship by that person's partner). You and that person's partner are only getting half of the man/woman you love, but he/she is getting the best of you.

[OpenBook]

I would go one further than that, and say "Don't get married AT ALL." If your S ends up cheating on you (and the odds are in favor of that), it's an even worse investment than being an AP.

[woinlove]

I would go one further than that, and say "Don't get married AT ALL." If your S ends up cheating on you (and the odds are in favor of that), it's an even worse investment than being an AP.

 

I like the original list, but don't agree with this one. Marriage can be really great, but I think it requires love, commitment and continual open and honest communication. For people who don't want to or can't make a commitment, who aren't capable of or don't want open and honest communication, then I would agree with your advice, OpenBook.