Why is it that you are surprised upon discovery of the affair?

August 25, 2012

Why is it that you are surprised upon discovery of the affair? How could you not know your spouse was cheating?

When you live with them, share meals and a bed together?

When hundreds of $$$ are unaccounted for every month?

When they call last minute something came up, every week?

When the phone beeps and they move to another room?

When their behavior suddenly changes?

When they start working out or dressing better?

When they have new friends you'll never meet?

When you look in their eyes and they look away?

When it goes on like this for years?

The infidelity can't be that much of a shock... had you been paying attention. I neither wish to demean nor invalidate your hurt. Just fascinated by the stories I read here. If you ask a LT OM/OW their response would be, oh they had to know. It took my husband 3 weeks to figure out something was off and go through my phone. Am I missing something?

August 25, 2012

It's because I did something like trust my spouse. Something any person who gets married should be able to do.

August 25, 2012

Am I missing something?

character.

August 25, 2012

It's because I did something like trust my spouse. Something any person who gets married should be able to do.

Yep. I trusted mine, too. Like I was supposed to.

But then again, I'm an idiot. I didn't realize everybody was a ****ing dougebag liar. My bad. Figured after 19 years with her I might be able to trust and believe what she said. Yep, I'm a dumbass.

August 25, 2012

Why is it that you are surprised upon discovery of the affair? How could you not know your spouse was cheating?

When you live with them, share meals and a bed together?
When hundreds of $$$ are unaccounted for every month?
When they call last minute something came up, every week?
When the phone beeps and they move to another room?
When their behavior suddenly changes?
When they start working out or dressing better?
When they have new friends you'll never meet?
When you look in their eyes and they look away?
When it goes on like this for years?

The infidelity can't be that much of a shock... had you been paying attention. I neither wish to demean nor invalidate your hurt. Just fascinated by the stories
I read here. If you ask a LT OM/OW their response would be, oh they had to know. It took my husband 3 weeks to figure out something was off and go through my phone. Am I missing something?

Ironically, if you think an unsuspecting spouse is stupid to not know if their spouse is cheating, then what does this say about an OW/OM who is knowingly being with someone who is a proven liar and cheat.

In most cases the #1 advantage a WS has... is the trust their spouse has in them.

If your husband figured out you were cheating on him within 3 weeks, implies you had given him reason to distrust you prior to your affair.

August 25, 2012

Why is it that you are surprised upon discovery of the affair? How could you not know your spouse was cheating?

When you live with them, share meals and a bed together?
When hundreds of $$$ are unaccounted for every month?
When they call last minute something came up, every week?
When the phone beeps and they move to another room?
When their behavior suddenly changes?
When they start working out or dressing better?
When they have new friends you'll never meet?
When you look in their eyes and they look away?
When it goes on like this for years?

The infidelity can't be that much of a shock... had you been paying attention. I neither wish to demean nor invalidate your hurt. Just fascinated by the stories I read here. If you ask a LT OM/OW their response would be, oh they had to know. It took my husband 3 weeks to figure out something was off and go through my phone. Am I missing something?

I wondered that for a while too, but then I realized that in my case, she really just didn't want to know, even when he sat her down and tried to talk to her about it she just kept cutting him off and saying "we won't talk about that, just stop bringing it up go buy me something pretty"

In most cases though, the person hiding things is just REALLY good at it, they are great at crafting stories and have an excuse for everything..and like has been said...they were supposed to be the one person that they could each depend on. You look for excuses for someone you love in your own heart.

In many cases the infidelity is a huge shock and it has to hurt to be betrayed like that, especially by someone you love and trusted. I may not understand how it works, and I might be the enemy as far as many people are concerned.. but I try and be mindful of the pain that others are going through. You might get some better responses and thought out responses if you ask some of the BS's that post over on the OW/OM board for their input, I think the opinions from here are going to get you a lot of anger and hurt and none of the answers you are looking for.

Edited August 25, 2012 by LFH

August 25, 2012

How about this:

The person that you extended more trust than anyone else is also the person that knows how to manipulate you better than anyone else in the world.

August 25, 2012

I wondered that for a while too, but then I realized that in my case, she really just didn't want to know, even when he sat her down and tried to talk to her about it she just kept cutting him off and saying "we won't talk about that, just stop bringing it up go buy me something pretty"

In most cases though, the person hiding things is just REALLY good at it, they are great at crafting stories and have an excuse for everything..and like has been said...they were supposed to be the one person that they could each depend on. You look for excuses for someone you love in your own heart.

In many cases the infidelity is a huge shock and it has to hurt to be betrayed like that, especially by someone you love and trusted. I may not understand how it works, and I might be the enemy as far as many people are concerned.. but I try and be mindful of the pain that others are going through. You might get some better responses and thought out responses if you ask
some of the BS's that post over on the OW/OM board for their input, I think the opinions from here are going to get you a lot of anger and hurt and none of the answers you are looking for.

I agree with some of what you've written, but....if your MM has not been able to get through to his wife about having another women, then perhaps you can be of assistance to him and also explain your relationship to her. Maybe in that case she will stop putting her head in the sand as you infer.

The OW/OM can and should, in my opinion, make the betrayed spouse aware of the affair.

August 25, 2012

I agree with some of what you've written, but....if your MM has not been able to get through to his wife about having another women, then perhaps you can be of assistance to him and also explain your relationship to her. Maybe in that case she will stop putting her head in the sand as you infer.

The OW/OM can and should, in my opinion, make the betrayed spouse aware of the affair.

Nope. Not my business to tell her, nor do I care if she knows. My life is good the way it is.

Thanks though, if she prefers not to know, then that's their choice, I've made my own.

August 25, 2012

Nope. Not my business to tell her, nor do I care if she knows. My life is good the way it is.
Thanks though, if she prefers not to know, then that's their choice, I've made my own.

So who is really putting their head in the sand?

August 25, 2012

My husband only ever cheated on me when either he or I was away. He never conducted an affair when he was at home in our country, only when he was away on business. I had none of the usual clues that you listed in your opening post.

Why was I surprised when I discovered his cheating? Because I know I am special, and I thought he knew it too, and that I wasn't worth gambling to lose... because he always told me how much he loves me, and how much he admires me... because I thought he had 'learned his lesson' from losing his first wife (and child) to divorce when she found out about his cheating (plural).... I THOUGHT he had grown the eff up!

I THOUGHT he must love me like I love him and would never dream of cheating on me either!

How could I have known that I am interchangeable, that I am worth risking to lose it all, for some OW for a night, or a year?

Because I thought he was Honest like me. I thought he had Values, like me. How on earth was I to know what he was up to, in the dark?

Don't make this about the BS... it's about the WS, pure and simple.

August 25, 2012

So who is really putting their head in the sand?

You're making assumptions that I want him to leave. You're making assumptions that I'm being fed lines of nonsense. I know what their relationship is, I know exactly what they have... and I know what he and I have.

I have no interest in making a change to that, but I am very well aware of how things stand, my head is far from being in the sand.

Now, if you'd like to dig at me when I posted nicely, thoughtfully and truly tried to make the point that it's not nice to come poke at those that are trying to heal, be my guest, but really you might want to ask yourself why you need to do that.

August 25, 2012

You're making assumptions that I want him to leave. You're making assumptions that I'm being fed lines of nonsense. I know what their relationship is, I know exactly what they have... and I know what he and I have.
I have no interest in making a change to that, but I am very well aware of how things stand, my head is far from being in the sand.

Now, if you'd like to dig at me when I posted nicely, thoughtfully and truly tried to make the point that it's not nice to come poke at those that are trying to heal, be my guest, but really you might want to ask yourself why you need to do that.

Where did I say that i assume you want him to leave his wife? You are putting words in my mouth.

You are the one who mentioned how your MM's wife is avoiding the truth about there being another women and inferring that she doesn't want to hear the truth. I only suggested you also give her the truth and when you responded that you didn't want to offer her the truth, I assumed that you shared her views on the unimportance of the truth.

August 25, 2012

I was totally blindsided and I had been with H for 23 yrs. I would have been put up against a wall and shot before I would say he would have an A. I was one of the 'it will never happen to us' people and I ate my words with a huge spoon afterwards.

I trusted H with all that I had. We still laughed, loved, were intimate, planned for our future and had date nights, like always. H had PTSD after Iraq and so I thought his odd behaviour was down to that. I did say that if he would be happier elsewhere then he should go, but that had him feeling insecure and he said he could never imagine life without me. I asked if there was someone else and was told vehemently that there wasn't.

H's A was made up of texting in the bathroom (gross) and two hourly meetings in hotels, so not the stuff dreams are made of and TBH, not my idea of what an A is. I always thought they would be more, weekends away, romantic meals type meetings and not what the A really was. I know that not all are like this and some involve a lot more, but for H, that is what it was.

Had our intimacy, love, life changed dramatically, then I might have put two and two together, but it didn't and is probably more common that people think. A lot of WS compartmentalise and so the married life changes very little. Despite popular belief, sex, intimacy, laughter and all that continues in many marriages while an A is taking place. I don't and wouldn't knowingly share my H, had I for one moment known or had an inkling then I would have faced it head on.

When you think about it, it really is quite disturbing to think that someone can compartmentalise so easily.

August 25, 2012

Why is it that you are surprised upon discovery of the affair? How could you not know your spouse was cheating?

When you live with them, share meals and a bed together?

Yes but last time I checked this wasn't a sign of cheating.

When hundreds of $$$ are unaccounted for every month?

Not the case and I never required a $ by $ accounting anyway, but as $100s were not spent, this wasn't a clue in my case.

When they call last minute something came up, every week?

No never. My fWH had a 99.9% "lunchtime" affair.

When the phone beeps and they move to another room?

No my fWH never had a mobile phone during the A.

When their behavior suddenly changes?

No.

When they start working out or dressing better?

No.

When they have new friends you'll never meet?

Yes but I didn't know about his lunchtime friend.

When you look in their eyes and they look away?

Yes and I wish I'd paid more attention to this as it was one thing I was aware of.

When it goes on like this for years?

Sadly the A went on for many years with virtually no clues or slip ups on his part.

The infidelity can't be that much of a shock... had you been paying attention. I neither wish to demean nor invalidate your hurt. Just fascinated by the stories I read here. If you ask a LT OM/OW their response would be, oh they had to know. It took my husband 3 weeks to figure out something was off and go through my phone. Am I missing something?

The infidelity came as an enormous shock. It's been pretty well the worst experience in my life. Other responses in bold above.

August 25, 2012

OP

You are assuming WS are as good as waving a banner saying "I am having an affair". You need to remember that the BS trusts the WS and the WS often becomes an extremely good liar. Plus not all behaviours change to the extremities you suggest - WS are not always as invested in the affair as some may like to think.

August 25, 2012

WandP,

I think the main problem is that affairs/flings/ONS/FB are all totally different!

You can't compare everyone else's stories with how your's is.

My H conducted all 3 of his short term flings on company time(regular hours- no overtime) and his lunch hours. So did all of his co-workers, they are all divorced now.(wives left all of them)

This was all before cell phones and computers. They simply communicated at work or occasionally used pay phones.

There was no missing money, as the wives managed all the bills and the money . I later found out H had been saving up his lunch money, as they were planning to eventually rent a hotel room.(he didn't love any of them, only lusted after them)

There are no difference in appearance for any of them, as they were required to wear uniforms during working hours.

Our whole daily routine at home, as a family, never changed! We have always had sex twice a week, it didn't change at all when he was cheating. Neither did the kisses, hugs, and I love you's.

The only big red flag he had was his behavior toward me and the kids changed! He had always been a loving devoted dad and H, who would spend all his spare time doing things with his family.

He became extremely short tempered and yelled a lot. All of a sudden we couldn't do anything right around him. I asked him repeatedly what the problem was, he always said" nothing".

I think these flings made him wish he was single again, with no responsibilities.

My d-day occurred when all of the other co-workers got caught cheating and their wives called me and told me what all had been going on.

I immediately left him and was planning for a divorce. Because we had 2 very young children my parents urged me to give him another chance.

We eventually reconciled and are still married today. He changed completely and never made me sorry I gave him a second chance!

August 25, 2012

Why is it that you are surprised upon discovery of the affair? How could you not know your spouse was cheating?

When you live with them, share meals and a bed together?
When hundreds of $$$ are unaccounted for every month?
When they call last minute something came up, every week?
When the phone beeps and they move to another room?
When their behavior suddenly changes?
When they start working out or dressing better?
When they have new friends you'll never meet?
When you look in their eyes and they look away?
When it goes on like this for years?

The infidelity can't be that much of a shock... had you been paying attention. I neither wish to demean nor invalidate your hurt. Just fascinated by the stories I read here. If you ask a LT OM/OW their response would be, oh they had to know. It took my husband 3 weeks to figure out something was off and go through my phone. Am I missing something?

Very little of what you list was in my case.

-I had absolute trust and faith in my ex. Like so many others have said, this is the main weapon of the WS. She became very skilled at lying. It wasn't until the after D-Day #2 that I learned her "lying face"

-She worked long hours. It wasn't uncommon for her get home at different times every night. She eventually used that to her advantage to see the dirtbag after work.

-She also sold Mary Kay products on the side and would go deliver the products. Another excuse she could use to leave the house for an hour or two.

-I actually have a job, dirtbag doesn't have much of one, thus they could spend her lunch time together. Since he spent most of the day sitting around his mommy's house, he could go to where my ex worked any time of the day.

-Only one time did the way she dressed tip me off. That was the morning of D-Day #2. She had on more makeup than normal and was wearing a shorter skirt than normal. Too short for a banker. That was the morning I checked her email and saw she sent a picture of herself to him.

Of course the OM/OW is going to think that the BS would have to know. The OW/OM is already in on the secret. But the WS knows how to manipulate the situation to their favor. And most importantly, they have the dumb BS's trust to use as a weapon.

What makes you think any of the BS's weren't paying attention? I don't think you're giving the WS enough credit for their deceiving ways.

August 25, 2012

Why is it that you are surprised upon discovery of the affair? How could you not know your spouse was cheating?

When you live with them, share meals and a bed together?
When hundreds of $$$ are unaccounted for every month?
When they call last minute something came up, every week?
When the phone beeps and they move to another room?
When their behavior suddenly changes?
When they start working out or dressing better?
When they have new friends you'll never meet?
When you look in their eyes and they look away?
When it goes on like this for years?

The infidelity can't be that much of a shock... had you been paying attention. I neither wish to demean nor invalidate your hurt. Just fascinated by the stories I read here. If you ask a LT OM/OW their response would be, oh they had to know. It took my husband 3 weeks to figure out something was off and go through my phone. Am I missing something?

Perhaps the betrayed spouse is busy with distracting non-essentials such as earning a living, raising the children, keeping the house clean, visiting sick relatives....does it come as a great shock that the cheater is not necessarily the 100% 24/7 focus of the betrayed spouse's life?

August 25, 2012

The only big red flag he had was his behavior toward me and the kids changed! He had always been a loving devoted dad and H, who would spend all his spare time doing things with his family.

He became extremely short tempered and yelled a lot. All of a sudden we couldn't do anything right around him. I asked him repeatedly what the problem was, he always said" nothing".

I think these flings made him wish he was single again, with no responsibilities.

I wonder if it was wishing he had no responsibilities or the same reason others have mentioned of not being able to look one's spouse in the eyes? I imagine it might be equally difficult to look one's children in the eyes. Instead they might pick fights, get irritated with them. Guilt.

August 25, 2012

need to clean it up.

August 25, 2012

I agree with some of what you've written, but....if your MM has not been able to get through to his wife about having another women, then perhaps you can be of assistance to him and also explain your relationship to her. Maybe in that case she will stop putting her head in the sand as you infer.

The OW/OM can and should, in my opinion, make the betrayed spouse aware of the affair.

I was told the same thing that she knew but did not want to discuss it.

I know she was told by someone else and he came to see me IMMEDIATELY AFTER

Six months later things came to a head, I confronted her at a party and asked if she knew about me. She said she had had a call but it was silly to believe that We had an affair for 4 years, He saw me every day inc weekends, called me 2-3 times a day. there is trust and then OW believes he cannot have a relationship with BS if he can get away with that? Well I just knew him and something wasn't right with this, and I asked her. Stupid me.

Looking back I am sure she did not want me to make her see what she already saw

August 25, 2012

Why is it that you are surprised upon discovery of the affair? How could you not know your spouse was cheating?

When you live with them, share meals and a bed together?
When hundreds of $$$ are unaccounted for every month?
When they call last minute something came up, every week?
When the phone beeps and they move to another room?
When their behavior suddenly changes?
When they start working out or dressing better?
When they have new friends you'll never meet?
When you look in their eyes and they look away?
When it goes on like this for years?

The infidelity can't be that much of a shock... had you been paying attention. I neither wish to demean nor invalidate your hurt. Just fascinated by the stories I read here. If you ask a LT OM/OW their response would be, oh they had to know. It took my husband 3 weeks to figure out something was off and go through my phone. Am I missing something?

Like some of the first replies, I had unconditional trust in my wife. I had been with her for 18 years. Stupid me.

And many of the things in your list weren't true for her, but there were other obvious warning signs that I ignored. There's a thread on here where people list signs they ignored (purpose of the whole thread)

She spent no money on the affair

She only was with him when they were supposed to be practicing a martial art she's involved in. There was no outing that was normally part of her routine.

They didn't talk on the phone together, at least never when I was around.

She really didn't change her dress.

She probably overcompensated, trying to show me love while the secret was a secret. Changed after I found out.

I knew everyone involved

She didn't look away

It was only 4 months

So yeah sorry, you were wrong on every account. Assume much?

I'll see if I can find that other thread. I posted listing my signs that I ignored, and yeah they were big red flags that I should have caught...but love, trust, ya know.

August 25, 2012

I was told the same thing that she knew but did not want to discuss it.

I know she was told by someone else and he came to see me IMMEDIATELY AFTER

Six months later things came to a head, I confronted her at a party and asked if she knew about me. She said she had had a call but it was silly to believe that We had an affair for 4 years, He saw me every day inc weekends, called me 2-3 times a day. there is trust and then OW believes he cannot have a relationship with BS if he can get away with that? Well I just knew him and something wasn't right with this, and I asked her. Stupid me.

Looking back I am sure she did not want me to make her see what she already saw

Ahh you remind me of a conversation I had recently with my mother. My father was unfaithful to her. She actually had several people tell her that during the marriage, but my mother never believed it. She says she couldn't let herself believe it until after they were divorced and she had a secured a job and place to live independently of my Dad. Only then did a light come on and she saw the truth.

People don't want to face the fact that their spouse is unfaithful. The proof has to be glaring and undeniable a lot of times, especially if you've never experienced being cheated on before. The only way I finally got it was that one sentence, "I don't know who the father is".

August 25, 2012

I find it funny how OW and MM go through alllll this cloak and dagger with bat phones, secret credit cards, etc , Then want to say that there is no way that the BW could have not known what was going on.

Really, if you think all the effort you are making to hide to hide is having NO effect, why bother??

I wondered that for a while too, but then I realized that in my case, she really just didn't want to know, even when he sat her down and tried to talk to her about it she just kept cutting him off and saying "we won't talk about that, just stop bringing it up go buy me something pretty"

If MM actually told her(specifically!) that he has an OW and she said "we won't talk about that, just stop bringing it up go buy me something pretty".? Then it sounds as if she has decided she can live with things the way they are. I assume this is still a painful place for her, but at least she is making a conscious decision.

But what is the MM's deal? Even if BW is comfortable with this triangle, why does he stay when you say he wants a divorce?

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Why is it that you are surprised upon discovery of the affair?

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