Husband said WHAT?!?

[sofrustrated25]

Thank you for taking the time to read my concerns. I will try to keep this short.

I have been married for 11 years. History of codependency. In therapy --

trying to stop being an enabler. This most recent incident I think reveals that my husband has no concern for my well being or that of our son.

We were set to move out of our rental house. My husband said he couldn't take time off work. I couldn't either - but we had to be out. So he suggested that I call in sick. I was against it, but realized it was the only option. So, I had to hire packers -- I did as much as I could -- but we needed help. Hubby at the last minute tells me that he got our 6 year old son an audition for a talent agency. (I have been against this). Instead of packing in his down time --he tells me he can GET the day before the move off and takes our son to the audition. The next day the movers are scheduled to arrive at 7am. I am supposed to call in sick. I have an older lady supposedly going to help me watch our son while I help the movers.Unfortunately my boss calls me at 5 am to tell me our building is on fire. I must come in. So, I tell my husband I need help. He tells me "he can't" "He's got meetings". I tell him that I MUST get to work. He says "you're going to need to handle it". He didn't call or text all day. I had a good neighbor who I JUST met who helped me. But, my husband didn't care at all. What would you do if you were me? He got mad when I brought it up and said "don't bring this up again."

 

Over the past few years - things have just gotten ugly. I am the breadwinner and my husband rides that. He cooks, and helps around the house, but he has no desire to make more money. However, we are going broke. We essentially have no savings. I'm about to consider bankruptcy - even though I make well over 6 figures. We spent far too much over the years - and he doesn't like adjusting the lifestyle. The house has to be fully upgraded -- he drives a cadillac etc. He doesn't spend large amounts on himself -- it's just the entire pricey lifestyle. When I suggested that we get a less expensive car he told me that he would "buy a scooter instead". Seriously -- he said that SERIOUSLY. No joke. I asked how he would transport our son - and he said that he could ride behind him. He just does/says stuff that is childish.

 

I recently had to have surgery. Thank God I didn't have cancer but I had to have reconstructive surgery done on my face to repair the area of concern. Well, the specialist I found was out of the area. He didn't go. He said he couldn't get off work. He didn't ask me where I was staying nor did he ask for the doctor's name - nurses info. Nothing. When I finally got there he called me in a panic to tell me that he was going to have to work late and that I needed to tell the sitter that she would need to stay late. I was being prepped for surgery. He just didn't care about me.

 

We discussed this in therapy and now he's much better about THAT -- but the moving scenario I described above happend 3 weeks ago. It's the same attitude - just a different situation.

 

I have considered leaving him. I have also wanted to stray. Our intimacy is awful and he only has me take care of him. Sometimes he doesn't even actually insert himself. He just wants me to serve him and then he gets up and leaves.

 

The truth is -- like I said -- he makes dinners -- says nice things from time to time and doesn't party with friends. However, the lack of respect for me makes me resent him. I don't like saying that - but it's the truth.

 

Would you stay in this marriage?

Edited August 25, 2012 by sofrustrated25

[DaisyLeigh1967]

NO. And you know what you need to do.

[Freckas]

We discussed this in therapy and now he's much better about THAT -- but the moving scenario I described above happend 3 weeks ago.

 

*It's the same attitude - just a different situation*.

 

I have considered leaving him. I have also wanted to stray. Our intimacy is awful and he only has me take care of him. Sometimes he doesn't even actually insert himself. He just wants me to serve him and then he gets up and leaves.

 

 

Im sorry this is happening to you, it must be hard to go to work and have the stress of the finances, and the house issues, and the marital issues (he doesn't) all on your shoulders.

 

Why cant he be empathetic? If he did that things would sail by...

 

he must know that, and to know that knowledge and not use it for the better of your marriage, shame on him.

 

When you leave you can't second guess yourself.

 

Im going through something similiar, but not as bad? Listen to me though, you communicate to him the problem if he still is unremoreseful or doesn't chage then, my answer is "NO" I couldnt stay if I didnt have to.

[sofrustrated25]

I definitely agree with communication. So I tried tonight. But initially the night didn't start out well. We were at a picnic with some of my coworkers. My husband recently got out of my line of work. I still make much more than him but he thinks he's so much better because we works for a different corporation now. Someone asked him if he would ever come back and he said it would have to be something special because he now makes SO much more than he would have at our corporation. I thought it was rude. Am I wrong?

 

As for talking. Tonight i talked to him about my codependency and I discussed the "move" issue above. He didn't apologize. He didn't really say anything. I also reinforced that I was scared about money. He asked of I wanted him to pick up part time work? I said yes anything you could do! Then he said no.., he just couldn't imagine having to do that and that we will be fine. He pointed out that part of the real problem was that "I" had to take a paycut to come to my current hiring mans shed.

 

That was all he had to say! He listened nicely. But there was no help.

Edited August 26, 2012 by sofrustrated25

[sofrustrated25]

I should also point out that we have many challenges. One of which is money. We are seriously in debt. I am the breadwinner but I recently got transferred to a new city with better hours and less money. The city and lifestyle are much better but I am scared about money. It's tight despite the fact we still have $$$ car loans and $$$$ rent. They are obligations we can't get out of because we are upside down on the cars.

 

Anyway, my husband responded to concerns by blaming me. He said "if you didn't have to take that pay hit and then move to a state with such a high tax..."

 

The "transfer" was very difficult on me so I felt that was a low blow. I asked him to pick up part time work. He ignored me and said that my ebook that he has been pushing me to write is SO good, it's going to be a mega seller. He just said "keep writing".

 

Without being mean to him... How do I even deal with this?

Edited August 26, 2012 by sofrustrated25

[sofrustrated25]

I also just found a fairly old Facebook message on his phone history with a woman he knew in high school. They went back and forth ... Definitely flirting. He told her the same things he always told me. In fact he said that things were tough because of personal issues but that his wife (me) was good to put up with him. He then said that he was drawn to me because of the same reasons he was drawn to her. Then went on to say that she had a beautiful smile and that she always seemed so happy. I don't know if they are still talking. But this definitely hurt my feelings.

[planetpower]

Wow, you situation sounds just like mine. We just moved the other day, right around work schedules, because the rent check didn't come last week when we had taken the time off to move. I cannot say how frustrating it is my husband has to work weekends, this made it very hard.

[sofrustrated25]

We are in serious debt. We have been for sometime. However my husband's family wanted to pay our son's tuition for a private religious school. It's extremely expensive. We went ahead and moved near the school -- just entered a new 1 year lease. We did this based on the knowledge that this big chunk of change was coming from his grandparents. Very kind.

 

Well, my husband just told me today that they are only paying 500.00. That's it. I paid out of pocket waiting for the repayment so our son could start school.

 

Now, it looks like I will have to file bankruptcy. We were tight - and now I don't know what else to do. When I told my husband, he said well, (sarcastically) I guess I'll just get a job working overnights fulltime sweeping floors at Walmart -- and go straight to my day job. When I told him - please don't be sarcastic....we really need help here...he said "I'm serious!! That's what I'm going to do" WHen I said "OK...and called his bluff...he bounced back and told me he won't be able to do it...because he'd never sleep.

 

He just turned down -- freelance work 2 weeks ago which paid 800 for the day. When I insisted that he take it...he said that he already made dinner reservations and we hadn't had a date night in a long time. So he told them NO.

 

I just don't know what to do. How do I even deal with a husband/provider who won't take our financial situation seriously?

 

I just feel like he's acting like a child yet again.

 

We can't sell the cars because we are upside down on the loans...and we can't move somewhere cheaper because we just entered into this 1 year lease -- and I'm out the entire year of tuition. He won't confront his parents about it...

 

So he tells me that "I" should work harder on my side projects. Which I am ALREADY doing --

 

Thanks for letting me vent. I just think divorce and bankruptcy are my only options. I don't know how to forgive him for his attitude and cluelessness.

[CarrieT]

Where are your parents? Can you pull your child out of school and go live with them while you file divorce?

 

File for bankruptcy - you will survive. The health of your child and your sanity is more important than the loan on your car.

[sofrustrated25]

I actually have a very good job. My parents have passed away. I don't have any family close.

 

I guess I'm just wondering if my reaction is equal to the issue? His response to the problem? Mean? Normal? Typical?

[CC12]

I guess I'm just wondering if my reaction is equal to the issue?

 

Sure. It's very understandable that you're frustrated and hurt by his behavior. He does seem to be very self-centered at times and has an unrealistic outlook on things like finances. I picture him the type that just skips through life, chasing butterflies and getting distracted by squirrels, who never really worries about boring sh*t like money or fairness or doing the right thing.

 

You seem to be the one who handles all the finances, so I'm wondering if he knows just how serious the situation is. For example, have you pointed out how your son's schooling has put you in major debt? Maybe it would help for him to actually see bank statements and bills, or a budget. You told him that you might have to consider bankruptcy - does he realize what that would mean for him personally? Explain how he won't be able to get a new credit card or new car or might be turned down for housing, how it might effect future career opportunities, etc for the next 7-10 years or whatever it is. Make it personal to him. Maybe that would make him take it seriously?

 

Also, what was the arrangement with your husband's family as far as them paying for your son's schooling? Did you ever witness them saying that they would pay for all of it, or did you just hear that through your husband? How is your relationship with them? Are they reasonable people?

 

Would it be acceptable for you to go to them yourself and say something like, "I feel very uncomfortable bringing this up, but I was under the impression that you committed to paying for all of Son's tuition, and when we got a check for only a portion of the tuition, I was caught off guard. Without your contribution, we are now in a very serious financial bind. Were we mistaken in believing that you would pay for the entirety of the tuition?" See what they say. If they respond saying they never intended to pay for all of it, then say, "I apologize for the misunderstanding. Would it be possible for you to pay for the sum of Son's tuition now, and we will make payments to you of $xxx per month until we pay you back?" I don't know, maybe that will afford you a little bit of wiggle room before having to declare bankruptcy. Still doesn't fix the underlying issues, though. Keep going to couple's therapy.

[sofrustrated25]

Yes he def understands the severity of the situation. The reason I would have to file alone is because HE has already been bankruptcy himself.

 

The conversation was through my husband about the tuition. The problem is that he already asked to get 15k from his parents a couple of years ago. They are both in their 70s and working. One was just diagnosed with cancer. We had agreed that he would not ask then for cash but I overheard him asking on the phone anyway. So I really feel like asking them to come up with the tuition is touchy. I was already mad he took so much money and burned it years ago.

 

It's just ugly... And I have an appt with an attorney tomorrow. It's depressing.

[CC12]

Yes he def understands the severity of the situation. The reason I would have to file alone is because HE has already been bankruptcy himself.

 

The conversation was through my husband about the tuition. The problem is that he already asked to get 15k from his parents a couple of years ago. They are both in their 70s and working. One was just diagnosed with cancer. We had agreed that he would not ask then for cash but I overheard him asking on the phone anyway. So I really feel like asking them to come up with the tuition is touchy. I was already mad he took so much money and burned it years ago.

 

Oh, I see. Yeah, that's a touchy situation. Thanks for clarifying.

 

It's just ugly... And I have an appt with an attorney tomorrow. It's depressing.

 

A bankruptcy attorney or a divorce attorney?

[Radu]

Do they work in their 70's because they have to, or because they want to ?

Biiiiiig difference between the 2.

 

It matters because i see a pattern here with your husband :

- careless spender

- lacks empathy

- not organized [you handle the finances]

- went through a bankruptcy already

- has already cheated on you [those 15k he spent behind your back, that's financial infidelity]

- very selfish lover [the other thread you have up]

 

Your husband is someone who doesn't have emotional intelligence, and that's something that you are both born with but also something that you can develop in life later on. Addicts lack emotional intelligence btw.

Through his parent's influence he didn't develop this, and it shows, your son may pick up on this if he hasn't already ... it will probably get put into the ADD cathegory.

 

You have 2 choices now :

- sink with the ship like the good little captain that you have been so far, handling the finances and leading

For this one, do nothing.

- bail and save your son

For this one, you need to talk to both a bankruptcy and a divorce lawyer.

Divorce his ass, file for bankrupcty, organise some form of support system.

Take charge of your son's education, and show him a stable person in his life.

Or else he will grow up just like his daddy, and will treat his future wife like he treated you.

If you file for bankrupcty you might need to notify your HR department beforehand, talk to a woman ... say you are divorcing as well.

Try to explain the situation.

Also talk with your contacts in your industry, in case this doesn't pan out as it should.

You might need to get rid of the cars in the bankruptcy, and for this you might need a $ buffer.

So talk to your relatives, you are doing this for your son ... forget the shame.

 

You need to hold nothing back to the bankruptcy lawyer, and ask for solutions ...

Talk to several of each one and compare what they say.

 

See if you qualify for social assistance, clip coupons ... etc.

 

About a yr ago i was on this forum of a debt guy, and one of the things that stuck with me is that it doesn't actually take that long to redo your credit score up.

It won't be as high up, but credit score is about your ability to pay on time.

If you already have problems with that, it's going down no matter what.

 

This is that forum i mentioned.

http://getoutofdebt.org/

Edited August 28, 2012 by Radu

[sofrustrated25]

So I went and spoke w a bankruptcy attorney today. I told my husband 2 days ago about it. He never even asked me how it went. When I mentioned it to him today he said "I thought you cancelled since you didn't mention it".

 

Shouldn't he at least care enough to come to spot or AsK about it?

 

Maybe I'm too needy. But this is tough stuff for me.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Come ON! You already know the answer.

 

I would not pay another dime on that Caddy. I would take my child and get an apartment and see a bankruptcy and divorce attorney.

 

I don't mean to be rude, but making six figures is a hell of a lot more than most people I know. Good grief, why have you let this man run things?

[sofrustrated25]

My stomach is killing me because this afternoon finally hit me. When I discussed my agony today he again said "well I guess I can work the stock room at Macy's overnights. 90 hrs a week will kill me but I guess it's necessary huh?"

[prettylittlethings]

LEAVE HIM. And do whatever it takes to leave him. Why is it that you're staying? Change is one of the most difficult things, particularly changing your lifestyle and basically doing a complete 180. In the financial position you're in, it's going to be an emotional battle, a financial battle and a personal battle with what sounds like a complete moron. Make short term goals for a bigger long term goal. Do not try to work things out, you are going to have to make some changes because it's clear that he won't.

 

He is always going to be selfish and I don't think you can ever be happy with him. Also, it sounds like his priorities with his child are warped. A talent agency? Taking a day off school/work for that and not taking a day off work to help move? Christ.

[Radu]

My stomach is killing me because this afternoon finally hit me. When I discussed my agony today he again said "well I guess I can work the stock room at Macy's overnights. 90 hrs a week will kill me but I guess it's necessary huh?"

 

That's victimization and you know it.

[pie2]

OP - your relationship with your husband seems very painful and empty, to say the least. I hope that counseling can continue to help you as an individual, and ideally, you and your husband as a couple. If more drastic measures are required, I would suggest a trial separation, rather than jumping straight to divorce.

 

I'm a big proponent that marriage vows represent a very serious commitment and should not be thrown away lightly. I also believe very strongly that you picked this man, married him, and created a child with him for a reason. Something inside of you is comfortable with the dysfunction in this relationship. And there is a big possibility that if you divorce, you'll soon want another man with similar characteristics, and will most likely see history repeating.

 

Best of luck as you continue to take steps towards a new beginning.

[prettylittlethings]

I also believe very strongly that you picked this man, married him, and created a child with him for a reason. Something inside of you is comfortable with the dysfunction in this relationship. And there is a big possibility that if you divorce, you'll soon want another man with similar characteristics, and will most likely see history repeating.

 

 

Yeah I was going to ask, WHY DID YOU MARRY THIS MAN?! I can't imagine how anybody so selfish would be appealing. Do you still love him?

 

The "something inside of her that is comfortable with the dysfunction of the relationship" is NOT a good thing or make the relationship meaningful or special at all. People fall into ruts and they believe that it's easier to stick things out than to make drastic change because change is always uncomfortable. Ugh. That's the issue I have with marriage. It's supposed to be an eternal binding on a relationship when life isn't eternal at all. People change and their fitting in relationships change. Two pieces in a puzzle aren't going to fit if they both slowly mold into different shapes. *sorry, rant on marriage over*

[sofrustrated25]

Well I tried talking to him tonight. He called his daddy and got some money to help with the tuition. So he got bailed out again. The thing is bankruptcy will def lessen the pressure and we can all start over. But it will not take away the fact that when the crap hits the fan... He offers (empty offer) to sweep floors overnights at walmart. That's the core issue. And yes I can make it all go away but I won't be able to avoid the resentment of this knowledge.

 

 

The problem is our son is so happy. Starting this new school and loves our house. What will divorce do to him? He is my number one priority.

[pie2]

The problem is our son is so happy. Starting this new school and loves our house. What will divorce do to him? He is my number one priority.

 

It's very refreshing to read that your son is your number on priority. How old is he?

 

No matter what, divorce will always have a major impact on his life.

[sofrustrated25]

He is 6. He's a great kid.

[CC12]

But it will not take away the fact that when the crap hits the fan... He offers (empty offer) to sweep floors overnights at walmart.

 

Yeah, and they aren't just empty offers, they are also overly dramatic offers designed to make you feel guilty and hopefully say, "No, I couldn't possibly ask you to do that." Then he's off the hook again and can say to himself, "Welp. I offered to help and she said no, so whatever." It's like he's cutting off his nose to spite his (wife's) face, but not really because he's not actually following through on any of his suggestions to "help."

 

 

The problem is our son is so happy. Starting this new school and loves our house. What will divorce do to him? He is my number one priority.

 

Yes, a divorce will affect your son. It doesn't necessarily have to be a devastating blow to him, though. Some kids handle it just fine. And I've heard from a lot of people who grew up with divorced parents say they're thankful their parents split up because it was better for everyone that way.

 

One benefit of divorce for your son in particular is that he won't grow up seeing his father behaving extremely selfishly to his wife, and he won't feel the seething resentment you have for your husband. Your unhealthy relationship does not exactly set a good example for him. And it's got to be uncomfortable growing up in a home where one parent is completely self-serving while the other struggles and harbors resentment. I know that paints a bleak picture that might not be exactly accurate, but I'm just trying to prove a point here. Divorce isn't going to ruin your son's life as long as you're careful and sensitive about it. If you're happy, he'll be happy.