my ex is acting selfish and immature and wont let go, but might want me again

[rd1978]

ok my ex is really pissing me off,,, she has been calling me and writing me online since we broke up,, like 13 weeks ago,,, i didnt awnser anything for the first month,, ok and then i started to ,, i had asked her when she broke up with me to please leave me alone,, not to contact me period for a long time,,, ok so i finally started to take her calls and instant messages after a month,,,,, we talked friendly and things were good,, {we never got into it if either 1 of us was seeing people},, so things progressed more and it got to the point where she was inderectly asking me to do things ,, like do you have a tennis raquett? i want to play tennis.. there were more occasions and differnt things,,, and her saying ,, "im bored" just hinting at things..... i was basically neutral throughout this whole time ,,, i never called her 1 time ,, between instant instant messanger and calling,, WE TALKED ABOUT 50 TIMES IN 2 MONTHS,,,

 

so it started tog et annoying i had do do something,, so she was mad at me because i didnt call her back one day so she got all pissy, and i startede asking her what she wanted by calling me so much and stuff,,, and asking me to hang out etc. etc. .......... so basically she started defending herself and acting childish,,, i told her i loved her and would like to sit down and go over this to see if we can make it work,,, { i told her everything she had always wanted to hear from me}.. so we ended up getting of the computer,, and what i had said really messed her head up.... because she was already thinking about maybe wanting something back with me but thaught i never wanted anything with her,,,,

 

so the next dai she called me crying and upset saying im so confused,,etc. ,, so i got her to admitt she was with this kid ,, and i basically told her then i need to move on and continue seeing things with the person i am seeing and maybe take things to the next level,,,, she got PISSED at me and said you didnt mean anything of what you said last night if your just going to move on and get serious,,, so i told her i meant everyhting i said but i cannot wait around ,,, and then went back and forth for 5 minutes,,, then she got honest and told me she has been thinking alot about me lately,, and esp after i told her i wanted to make it work,,, so then she said give me a week to decide what i want because i am very torn right now.....

 

so she called me later that night and we talked and she was upset and she said i am being pulled towards you because you are such a good person and have a great heart,,, {plus i am a heck of alot better looking than this other kid } so we talked the next day and she said she was going to break up with this kid and be single so she can really think about what she wants, and she asked me what i was going to do,,, and i told her my options are open im single,,,,, and she got pissed again,,, and then she said well if you are going to go off and take the chances of meeting someone else then im not going to break up with him,, she was being very immature,,

 

so basically im left at this point that i need to tell her that i have no problem meeting other people,, i dont need her in my life, but i would like to have her in my life,,, and its either we are going to try and make it work or she is going to have to let me go for good and take the chance of losing me forever,,,

 

she basically cant let me go and she doesnt want to,, or wouldnt be able to handle seeing me with anyone else,, she is acting childess and unfair,,, she is trying to have her cake and eat it....

SO what exactly do i say to this girl i know she wants to be with me ,, and i know this other kid is a rebound ,, does she want to be single and for me to be single so we can hang out and see what happens ?? any advice would be appreciated.........

[jw32802]

Ok what is the longest you went without contacting her? and then when did she start contacting you?

[dasani08810]

I think it's time you set some limits that YOU can deal with. One of the books I read mentions delivering an ultimatum. Not as such, but in a way that puts you in the drivers seat of your own life.

 

I would suggest telling her: "I'm too close to be friends right now. I can't allow myself to wait around while you date around and try to figure out where I fit in your life. That's unfair for me to put myself through that. For the time being, I need you to stop contacting me until either: I contact you when I feel can be just friends with no motives; or, until you decide that you want to give us a second go. I need you to leave me alone so I can begin to release any feelings I have left for you. I need some time to work through this for me. Keeping in contact with you keeps me from moving forward so I can get past all this and find that person that KNOWS they want me for me. For right now, anything short of "I want to work things out" is just too complicated for me to deal with."

 

Or something along those lines. Try to make it all about you and what you need. Put the burden on her to make a move, then you just go drop off the face of the earth. You leave the door open but you also make it known that it could slam shut very quickly if she doesn't come out of this wishy washy position. It's that "brush with death" that book talks about.

 

As long as she gets to talk to you and you respond, she will never have to make a choice. She can stay in the comfort zone as long as she wants.

 

My ex actually emailed me a few days ago telling me that she enjoys her time alone and she is not forced to make a decision right now. She then went on to say: "If you can't wait, there's something wrong". My silent reaction was :"HOLY s***". Does she actually expect me to wait for her while she dates others? ARE YOU FREAKIN NUTS???!!!! That cracked me up. Sometimes they push the limits as far as they can. And we try to accomodate. But DAMN, what a nutty thing to say! That was the turning point for me; I mean the major turning point. She said she's glad we can talk again and she enjoys talking to me. When I got that email, I sent back pretty much the same thing I suggested you send back. Kind of a "Thanks but no thanks-don't need that kind of friendship. So, s*** or get off the pot." So now, I'm disappearing.

 

Also, I've read that they like to keep the friendship alive for back-up; AND, they are also missing something from the current relationship or dating partner. They keep in contact with you because you fill a void that their current partner can't. So, by maintaining contact with her YOU HELP THIS GUY KEEP HER!! She gets some of her needs fulfilled by him and some by you. She gets the best of both worlds. I suggest you put a stop to it IMMEDIATELY and let him try to do the job on his own. Look at it like this; all her needs are someone elses BURDEN now; not yours. Before long you'll be thanking God that you get a break from the maintenance and then start to feel sorry for the other guy. It's funny, but that's what happens.

[jw32802]

hi what is this book called?

[dasani08810]

Make up, Don't break up. It's in the chapter about giving the relationship a "Brush with death". I had blocked her emails and IM's; but, she was texting me. I thought she was coming around and I started talking to her; even met with her. All was looking cool for a couple of days. Then she sent that email telling me how great her life is and she needs this time alone. But, she is also dating other people. When she came off with that "If you can't wait, there's something wrong"; well, as I mentioned, that just blew me away. She will take all the freedom I give her. Well, now, she has ALL her freedom AND the rest of her life for the TIME. What kind of chump does she think I am??? I'm still cracking up!!

 

I went on a 4th date with someone else last night. I mean this woman has it TOGETHER. Great job, great kids, AWESOME house; she just has it all together. The woman couldn't keep her hands off me and was treating me like a freakin KING. On the way home I was thinking, WTF position did I put myself in with my ex? I am wayyyy to good to put up with any of this crap. It's like some kind of light came on for me over the last week. The farther I get away, the better I feel about this. The best part is, she broke it off with me! I like that because I DON'T HAVE TO FEEL THE GUILT!! Or feel that I was the one that made the mistake. Oh well, snooze ya lose.

[rd1978]

here is the thing ive NOT called her 1 freaking time since we broke up,,, and the day we broke up i told her if this is what she wants then she cant call me at all,,, so tried to call me but i refused to awnser for a month and then she went nuts because i wouldnt talk to her and started dating this other kid ,, i know she isnt over me i know its a rebound ,, and the thing she is missing from him is called love,, she loves me and is using him to have somone,,,,, she knows how i feel i told her,, ,, i think she is to weak to be by herself,, its weird she broke up with me but you would think that i dumped her,, i guess ill let her know im goign to do my things and if she feels she wants me she is going to have to let me know ,,, otherwise she cant contact me anymore...... RIGHT?

[dasani08810]

Exactly! Put the time in her hands; but, create the sense of urgency to act on her part. You do that by disappearing. Also, the farther you detatch, the more you find that you are better off. It's their crisis, not yours.

[jw32802]

dasani

Oh ok, its funny cuz months ago i posted that book on here cuz i read it a year ago and now everyones talking about it!!

[dasani08810]

Hmmmmm, did you actually READ IT then?? LOL

[jw32802]

Yes i read it, i read it every day lol but its still hard1