Scared88 Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 I am in a long distance relationship with a man who has been separated but not divorced from his wife. We were friends for a long time and then when they were getting divorced (a long process at this point), we became closer. She made allegations of him threatening her when he was drunk and he moved to Chicago because she called his parents and they made him leave. Anyhow, now he's not allowed to see their children at all. He met a girl who is into him so they have been texting and calling. He assured me we would be together but I am scared he wil do something with this woman. I feel like its almost a rebound relationship because he is lonely and hurt that his ex wife would do this to him.after reading articles, it fits all the characteristics of a rebound relationship. He assures me he is doing nothing and I should trust him. We share a phone account so I can see who he texts but I try not to look as it is his privacy. I just need advice and words of wisdom from those who know better than me. Thank you.
JWRP Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 Your largest piece of insight into this man - why did his marriage fail? Not being allowed to his children at all to me means he did not care enough to want to see them; or has committed a grievous act. Are you two exclusive? Would he think he shouldn't chase this other girl? Sharing a phone account hints at intimacy but all you gave us is that you are 'closer' to him. Why wouldn't you trust him? Did his marriage fail over cheating or some flaw of his own?
Emk522 Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 I think some more details are needed. From what you're saying, I would be suspicious too. But you're the one who talked to him, and who knows him better. Do you think he's lying to you? Long distance relationships are hard generally. You have to be there for him because he's going through a rough patch. I know it's not much help, but good luck.
justwhoiam Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 He met a girl who is into him so they have been texting and calling. Probably life didn't teach him enough... Did he candidly told you about that? Or did you find that out? I can only say he's in a risky position. I'm not sure if he's liking the attention or wouldn't mind a rebound, in either case, it's risky. Probably he's willing to risk: 1. you're far away 2. things with you are not definite yet 3. he might enjoy the comfort 4. she might be better for him in the end (he doesn't know yet)
Author Scared88 Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 He told me he had met someone who was friends with the guy is friend is dating. He says he needs someone to be there everyday to tell him that everything will be okay. He recently came back to visit, and was very excited to see me, in a way I have never seen before. We talked about this girl, I asked what he liked about her, he said "She is into me". I feel like I should just let it run its course if there is a course, because it feels Rebound-y to me. When he was back was when he was denied visitation to his daughter, and I had dropped him off and picked him up after. He was very upset, and left ubruptly after, but called many times on his way back. I feel like he needs to feel wanted, as everything in his life has turned on him. When his ex wife made the allegations that he had threated her and got the restraining order, she called his parents in chicago and asked them to bring him back with them (we live in virginia beach). They came in the night and took him because he had no other option. I was on a business trip, and didnt find out until it was too late. Im not sure if I should fight him on this one or just let it play out. If he is just intrigued because she is new and interested, im not sure me fighting about it will do anything to stop or help it.
Author Scared88 Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 Your largest piece of insight into this man - why did his marriage fail? Not being allowed to his children at all to me means he did not care enough to want to see them; or has committed a grievous act. Are you two exclusive? Would he think he shouldn't chase this other girl? Sharing a phone account hints at intimacy but all you gave us is that you are 'closer' to him. Why wouldn't you trust him? Did his marriage fail over cheating or some flaw of his own? his marriage ended because his wife didnt think he was perfect enough. Literally. He got drunk and she says he threatened her, so she has a restraning order which includes the children until he finishes a 12 step program, which is doing.
TMichaels Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 This guy is a complete mess emotionally. Until he gets his head back on straight he's going to go through life like a human pinball machine. Time heals all wounds but *you* can't heal him -- he needs to take the initiative and do it himself. He's not there yet. He may never get there. In the meantime, he's going to put himself and everyone who crosses his path through a whole lot of hurt and angst. If I were you, be supportive -- but at a distance -- which means you need to keep your own emotions and involvement at bay. I would refrain from checking his phone account for evidence of texts in spite of the fact that you can. Getting further sucked into the drama that's going on in his life won't be advantageous for either of you. Encourage him to go through the 12-step program he's been mandated to complete. You also might try suggesting he seek additional counseling. He's got a lot of issues to work through and needs to talk to someone who can objectively help him sort things out. *You* also might want to go to some family Al-Anon meetings. They're designed to help family members/significant others better understand the issues and struggle a loved one is going through due to their problem with alcohol. And, don't tell me (or let *him tell you*) that *he doesn't* have a problem with alcohol and the drunken episode with his wife which resulted in a restraining order was a one-off thing. Your comments about his wife thinking he wasn't perfect enough and needing someone around him all the time so that he knows things okay reeks of a person who has serious self-esteem issues who self-medicates with alcohol, drugs or other self-destructive behaviors to avoid reality and to numb the pain. He needs help, but remember it's not your job, nor can you do the work for him. He needs to come to that realization himself -- as do you. Best, TMichaels
Author Scared88 Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 thank you Tmichael. everything you said is completely true. He says he will see me everytime he visits his kids. And he knows he has addiction problems, thats why he is so open to the idea of going to the meetings and taking the program. I just want to know if I am wasting my time, or if he just needs time to blow off steam and get settled. He has not lived in chicago for 10 years, so he was just thrown back into it. He has to get a new job and everything. He just wants a place to fit in there, so he feels like he has a life. He takes my calls, texts frequently, I just dont like the idea of this other girl. I am not going invest myself further, if I am just going to be the woman he sees when he comes back here. I would have already ended it, but as I said, I feel like he is just looking for someone to boost his ego, and make him feel wanted again.
TMichaels Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 He takes my calls, texts frequently, I just dont like the idea of this other girl. I am not going invest myself further, if I am just going to be the woman he sees when he comes back here. Quit calling, take your time texting back a response and get on with your own life. Both of you will be better off for it. I would have already ended it, but as I said, I feel like he is just looking for someone to boost his ego, and make him feel wanted again.Yes, that probably is a big part of what "the new girl" is all about, but until he gets head sorted, if it's not her, it'll be someone else. If you think about it, that relationship (and even the so-called one he has with you) is just another form of "self-medication" -- it's an attempt to convince himself that he is worthy and has value. Whether it's with a woman, a bottle or another drug of choice, he's seeking comfort and acceptance from wherever he can find it or whomever that's willing to give it; he doesn't understand both are qualities he needs to find and nuture within himself before he's going to be capable of sustaining a healthy relationship with someone else (including his kids). He's not boyfriend material -- at least not now -- and may never will be depending on whether he gets his head on straight. In the meantime, don't get sucked into being his good 'ol, reliable, back-up plan. It won't help his recovery and will be self-destructive for you. Best, TMichaels
Author Scared88 Posted August 26, 2012 Author Posted August 26, 2012 All of that is a lot more easier said than done. I'm getting really stressed about the whole thing. I think I should just let go, but when he's here I just want to be with him. We were tOgether for a long time and I'm not done with the relationship yet. I just wish he would come home and we could sort this out
TMichaels Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 All of that is a lot more easier said than done. I'm getting really stressed about the whole thing. I think I should just let go, but when he's here I just want to be with him. We were tOgether for a long time and I'm not done with the relationship yet. I just wish he would come home and we could sort this out The guy's still married. He has self-esteem and addiction problems. He's flattered by the attention of girl who he admits "is into him" who's also 900 miles closer to him than you are. You can wish all you want that "things would just go back to the way they were" but the dam has burst and a lot of water is still flowing under the bridge. If you think you're stressed now, keep holding the torch. Odds are, there's a lot more "collateral damage" yet to come. Best, TMichaels
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