date wants to be more than FWB. What now?

[Dreamless Sleep]

Thanks for all the dialogue. I appreciate the comments. There is plenty of conjecture. I found it somewhat amusing that I was painted as a bit of a user by a few posters. Then I was paranoid that I had behaved poorly toward the woman in question. I really wanted to set my feelings straight but this forum left me nervous about hurting her.

 

Tonight I started by chatting with her on-line. Then we called. I told her that I was not going to be a long term player and did not want to be her boyfriend. I said that I enjoyed her company and respected her. She admitted to rushing things because she felt like there were several women at work who were lining up to approach me. We have known each other (not well) for almost 20 yrs. She felt like I was a good catch. She admitted to saying initially we could keep this as friends but she really wanted more. She was hurt. I feel awful.

I'm not worried about our professional relationship or crap at work. I don't like being responsible for hurting someone, especially someone so nice.

 

So how did it end? We are both off on Wen and she wants to hook up. Crazy

 

I don't know if I will or not

Edited August 28, 2012 by Dreamless Sleep

[Woggle]

Don't hook up with her. If she has feelings it will just end in drama. Just let her go and leave it on good terms.

[Dreamless Sleep]

Woggle, You're correct. Dammit. I don't need any more drama. I'm leaving her alone. I'm not sophisticated enough to handle it. If I were, I would have cheated during my marriage.

[CarrieT]

So how did it end? We are both off on Wen and she wants to hook up. Crazy

 

I don't know if I will or not

 

What Woggle said.

 

Don't hook up. She's just trying to show you what a good sport she is AND provide sex. You don't need the drama and there are plenty more orgasms in your future to need this one.

[fishtaco]

Ahh good old gender war.

 

Anyway OP. Pay no attention to the gender war. One of the first thing you should decide when you're on LS is to understand that everyone have their own secret agenda for posting. Sure, I'm included. If you think I'm full of it then disregard my post.

 

Now, to the topic... big mistake, hooking up with someone at work for FWB. FWB usually ends badly, with one side wanting more. I've been at both side of this personally. Then it's up to both people to keep this mature. If both people can manage that, disaster avoided. If at least one of them can't stay mature, big mess. The big mess will spread to anything it could touch. Someone in your social circle... social circle affected. Your sister's friend, now your family is dragged in. Work, yeah, the worst place, you could lose your job.

 

It's like a bad breakup. Except it happens more often and quicker.

 

What's done is done. Be very tactful when turning her down. Tell her because of the mess you are in with your divorce and all, you can't start anything serious. And really, I don't know what else to do.

 

It's up to your verbal skills at this point to defuse a situation that could turn really bad. Unless you don't care about your job, then go get another one.

 

As for who's taking advantage of who and who's responsible and who's right who's wrong, that's just stuff people drum up to fight the gender war. Pay no attention to that noise.

[The Way I Am]

You were using her for sex with no intention of pursuing a relationship even though it was obvious that's what she wanted. That makes you a user. The fact that you feel or felt bad about it is better than some, but doesn't make you less of a user.

 

Props for being honest with her.

 

I think she didn't get angry with you because she thinks she still has a shot of getting you into a relationship.

 

Now that you've told her, it's her own fault if she decides to keep having sex with you and gets hurt. But being her fault won't necessarily mean that she won't feel the need to hurt you in return when she finally realizes she's not going to get what she wants.

 

Women who have made it clear that they want a relationship but still want to hook up after they're turned down are usually the kind that have low self-esteem, plenty of issues, and refuse to let go. Those aren't the kind of women you want to mess around with.

 

If you turn her down for hook ups, I won't be surprised if she gets angry or causes some sort of drama. But if you take her up on the hook-up offer, it will likely end much worse.

 

Just leave it as it is. Don't keep hooking up with this woman.

[fishtaco]

You were using her for sex with no intention of pursuing a relationship even though it was obvious that's what she wanted. That makes you a user. The fact that you feel or felt bad about it is better than some, but doesn't make you less of a user.

 

Was there an indication she wanted a relationship? She just got out of a marriage herself, he could be the rebound guy? How can you just assume everyone woman want a relationship?

 

Now in hindsight, sure, we know, hence he's trying to salvage the situation. But in the beginning, who knows?

 

If she explicitly stated she wanted a relationship, and he lied to get sex, then I would fault him. Unless that happened, then it's her own fault for not making her intention clear.

 

We are all adults. No babysitting. We are responsible for ourselves.

 

I've had cases within my social circle where a male friend carpooled with a female friend to some party. And he assumed after that, that it was a date. So applying the same logic, it was her fault for leading him on? No, if he wanted a date, he should have asked for it. You don't ask for something less, then secretly upgrade later. You can't buy a relationship with sex.

[The Way I Am]

Was there an indication she wanted a relationship? She just got out of a marriage herself, he could be the rebound guy? How can you just assume everyone woman want a relationship?

 

OP said as much in his first post.

 

I had hoped to keep it discreet, not necessarily secret, since we work together. She was not discreet. We were hot and heavy for a few weeks. I did not see a long term potential for several reasons but I was OK with the time we spent. She became very emotionally attached and began to speak of us as BF/GF and future plans. I was suffocating and distanced myself. I felt bad for her.

 

It seems that for at least a decent amount of time, she made clear what she wanted and the OP chose to just ignore it and keep on even though he knew she wanted a relationship and he only wanted sex.

 

We are all adults. No babysitting. We are responsible for ourselves.

If my neighbor leaves his door unlocked, should I go in and take all his property? After all, he's an adult who's responsible for himself. It's not my fault he left his door unlocked.

 

Even if the door is unlocked, the decent thing to do is leave his property in its place. The best people will not only leave the property alone but keep an eye on the neighbor's place until they get back.

 

You don't have to be the person that put in the extra effort but if you're the one who takes advantage of the door being open, you know that's not right.

 

As I've already said earlier, the right thing to do is to treat people like human beings with feelings and be honest with your intentions.

[The Way I Am]

I've had cases within my social circle where a male friend carpooled with a female friend to some party. And he assumed after that, that it was a date. So applying the same logic, it was her fault for leading him on?

 

If she picked up on his mistake and took advantage of his naivete in order to get him to buy her things, then she turned around and said "oh, I thought you knew this wasn't a date", yeah it would be her fault.

[fishtaco]

Disagree and plenty of points to make. But I realized I've just participated in the gender war, right after I denounce doing so in the previous post.

 

I apologize, and I am out of this thread.

[The Way I Am]

Disagree and plenty of points to make. But I realized I've just participated in the gender war, right after I denounce doing so in the previous post.

 

You didn't participate in a gender war, you turned it back into one by interpreting my advice to be biased against males rather than what it really was, which is biased against dishonesty and treating people badly no matter what gender. Good on you for realizing what you were doing though.

[Dreamless Sleep]

I'm glad I'm on this site. You guys are doing your job keeping me out of trouble

 

I received a long message from my"FWB" yesterday that basically said she simply wanted to be FWB. She understood where I was. I didn't respond but we were social at work.

I read her FB posts which expressed a birthday wish which went unfufilled among other things. I didn't respond. Today, more FB posts with info about being available all day. I sent a pm to say sorry her birthday wish hadn't come to fruition. She sent a note back saying it still can

 

Wow. If I hadn't listened to you guys this would be getting worse.

Thanks