Dreamless Sleep Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 As my marriage was approaching a separation (not the trial type) I became close with a woman at work. Her husband had recently left her for someone younger. We confided in each other for some time. This of course advanced into flirtation. By the time my apartment was ready she was there to christen it. We were both in need of emotional and physical relief. I had hoped to keep it discreet, not necessarily secret, since we work together. She was not discreet. We were hot and heavy for a few weeks. I did not see a long term potential for several reasons but I was OK with the time we spent. She became very emotionally attached and began to speak of us as BF/GF and future plans. I was suffocating and distanced myself. I felt bad for her. But I was a wreck over the dissolution of my marriage and the cheating and rejection from my spouse. I had trouble finding time for myself, my kids AND her. Recently she texted me for a booty call. It was late and I was preparing for a 12hr drive the next day to take my kids to the beach. She did not take the rejection well. Frankly I was shocked that I turned it down. It's been the best sex I've had in a very long time. We have had a couple of hookups since but without deep conversation. She is sending out cryptic FB messages to let me know when her child is with her ex and expressing discouragement when I don't respond. I can't let her believe it is going to turn into more. She chalks it up to bad timing relative to the breakup. But really I would not find her as a long term commitment. She will be a terrific catch for someone. She's cute and friendly and smart and has a great career. Just not for me. What do I say to her? I really want to eventually date others. I hate to hurt her. Selfishly I hate to turn the sex down. She has some fantastic ideas.
CarrieT Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 What do I say to her? You tell her this and emphasize the last part: I really want to eventually date others. I hate to hurt her. She will be a terrific catch for someone. She's cute and friendly and smart and has a great career. Just not for me. She may not want to hear it, but it is the truth and all you need to tell her. 1
ja123 Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 (edited) This is very delicate, since you work with her. Don't tell her you don't see long-term potential with her. She'll take the rejection badly and trash talk you at work. 1) Never sleep with her again. 2) Tell her that you are too upset about the divorce and still thinking about your ex, you're depressed, etc. etc. it's-not-her-it's-you type of deal. So, that you allow her to save face. One thing is for sure, you'll have to find a new FWB (someone outside of work!) to get your needs met. I know what it's like coming out of a LTR: it's like being a kid in candy store! And some things you just need to get out of your system before you can even think about settling down again. Edited August 25, 2012 by ja123 1
Author Dreamless Sleep Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 I think it's time to be honest with her. Her birthday is 3 days away and I know she is wishing for me to surprise her. Damn. I'll risk losing a confidant, sex partner and getting a bit of egg on my face at work. I was warned to not mess around at work by several women. Some I believe may have had their own designs on me. Oh well....
mickleb Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 Unless you explained to her, in advance, what the situation was, then you've (to some extent) made your bed and now have to lie in it. You do what Carrie suggests, but expect some fall-out. How this comes, no-one can say, but you did lap up what she was giving pretty easily. If you did explain to her, somehow, that you didn't have long term potential - restate this. Then, she only has herself to blame for not believing you. There may still be fallout, but at least you can justify your behaviour.
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 Well you've got yourself into this mess, don't pussy foot now and try to back away like a scared little kitten. Be open and honest with her...tell her you were very vulnerable and in need of support and intimacy and valued the bond and support you had for each other and everything just naturally happened and progressed without you realizing it but now that you've had some time to get your bearings you realize that a relationship is not what you want nor need. You can't give the emotional and physical investment and you need time to recalibrate and get your life together. You're obviously using this woman for your own needs, and you don't want to let that go but If you don't be honest now then you're going to be in even more trouble if you keep sleeping with her because you're doing it for vagina but she's doing it for emotions...she probably doesn't see any reason not to continue forward and on with this, If you tell her you will never see her as relationship material she might go psycho on you and become extremely hurt and feel used...which is the honest truth really of what you happened, except you like to think you were using each other, but sorry doesn't work that way hate to tell ya! Cut the cord and no pining or niceties showing how much you really care, anything you do is going to be taken by as hope, so make sure once you finish it then you end it for good or you can face some real consequences. You made some pretty juvenile, immature and stupid decisions here but this is where you learn. That's all you can do at this point and hope she doesn't key your car, swing a pair of scissors at you or cry profusely at work and now everyone knows why...but that's kind of what you get, you took a bite of the forbidden fruit and probably said a lot of things to her that you shouldn't have and made her believe this was something more, make sure you wear a cup to work just in case she tries to cut off your penis! 2
The Way I Am Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 You've acted like a huge ahole. I hate that people seem to think it's okay to assume when you get involved with someone that it's just sex unless someone mentions a relationship. No. Unless you're a jerk (male or female), if you see no relationship potential and are only out for sex, you bring that up at the beginning. This woman was trying to start a relationship. You were using her for sex, and you were really stupid for trying to do that with somebody at work. Luckily for you, you can use your divorce as a way out that might save you from the fallout you deserve. Next time, don't be an ahole. 4
Woggle Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 Just be honest with her. You never promised her a relationship so she can't really claim victim status. 1
RedRobin Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 Just be honest with her. You never promised her a relationship so she can't really claim victim status. guess what... If the guy hasn't been honest and straightforward from the beginning... she can claim pretty much whatever she wants (depending on her mood). This is why people need to be honest up front... (and, I'll add for the ladies... asking hard questions too). Tends to minimize drama for everyone.
Woggle Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 guess what... If the guy hasn't been honest and straightforward from the beginning... she can claim pretty much whatever she wants (depending on her mood). This is why people need to be honest up front... (and, I'll add for the ladies... asking hard questions too). Tends to minimize drama for everyone. I agree that he should have told her straight up what he wants from the start but it is not like this is some huge crime. They both should just move on. 1
RedRobin Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 I agree that he should have told her straight up what he wants from the start but it is not like this is some huge crime. They both should just move on. Really? Not a huge crime? I think that would be up to the woman he was with to decide that... ... and depending on the amount of omission(s) he made regarding his intentions... or stringing along. I just love it when some men think sh*t like this is no big deal... Which is exactly why I don't get in the least bit offended when people call me a 'chore'... IMHO, any smart woman is a 'chore' in order to filter out guys like the OP (stepping down from soap box).
Woggle Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 Really? Not a huge crime? I think that would be up to the woman he was with to decide that... ... and depending on the amount of omission(s) he made regarding his intentions... or stringing along. I just love it when some men think sh*t like this is no big deal... Which is exactly why I don't get in the least bit offended when people call me a 'chore'... IMHO, any smart woman is a 'chore' in order to filter out guys like the OP (stepping down from soap box). I said that I think he should have been honest but there was no cheating and he didn't expect her to fall for him. He is obviously trying to soften the blow which is more than what many people do. He isn't just being a heartless player. Next time I would suggest he finds a woman who just wants casual sex and there are plenty around.
RedRobin Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 (edited) I said that I think he should have been honest but there was no cheating and he didn't expect her to fall for him. He is obviously trying to soften the blow which is more than what many people do. He isn't just being a heartless player. Next time I would suggest he finds a woman who just wants casual sex and there are plenty around. Hmmm... Could be wrong... but I suspect the work issue is the main reason he is compelled to soften the blow... He got what he wanted, and is just trying to minimize fall out for himself... I have my doubts that he cares about her mental state much... But, TBH, this is the crappy dating world this woman is going to have to learn to navigate... and she'll have to do a better job in the future sussing out someone's intentions... starting with avoiding men who are recently separated/divorced like the plague. Edited August 25, 2012 by RedRobin 1
Woggle Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 Hmmm... Could be wrong... but I suspect the work issue is the main reason he is compelled to soften the blow... He got what he wanted, and is just trying to minimize fall out for himself... I have my doubts that he cares about her mental state much... The work thing certainly does complicate things but simply dating somebody does not obligate you to commit to them. 1
RedRobin Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 The work thing certainly does complicate things but simply dating somebody does not obligate you to commit to them. of course not... It does obligate one to state one's intentions (or lack of) in the beginning though... I do give the OP some credit though... he's contemplating a break up before she gets too involved with him.... At least he's not keeping it going until he finds another branch to swing to... or maybe he has... and he's left out those details. 1
mesmerized Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 Really? Not a huge crime? I think that would be up to the woman he was with to decide that... ... and depending on the amount of omission(s) he made regarding his intentions... or stringing along. I just love it when some men think sh*t like this is no big deal... Which is exactly why I don't get in the least bit offended when people call me a 'chore'... IMHO, any smart woman is a 'chore' in order to filter out guys like the OP (stepping down from soap box). Woggle is a huge hypocrite. If a woman was using a man for his money or even sex without being honest with him, he'd be crying that all women are horrible human beings. 1
Woggle Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 Woggle is a huge hypocrite. If a woman was using a man for his money or even sex without being honest with him, he'd be crying that all women are horrible human beings. Yeah and if the genders were reversed both you and Robin would be firmly on the woman's side so I guess we are all hypocrites.
mesmerized Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 Yeah and if the genders were reversed both you and Robin would be firmly on the woman's side so I guess we are all hypocrites. Except that's not true.
Woggle Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 Except that's not true. You know it is. You would tell the guy to get over it and stop being a whiny baby and might even call him sexist for assuming that every woman wants a relationship. I apologize if I am wrong about you but I know how the double standards work in situations like this. The man is a jerk who uses an innocent woman and the woman would be an empowered feminist who gives men a taste of their own medicine. Again if this is truly now how you think I apologize for assuming it but I have heard this view too many times to know it is very common.
kaylan Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 Partly agree with this. When a guy is getting used for sex, theres definitely an "at least you got laid" tone from some of the women on this site.
The Way I Am Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 (edited) I apologize if I am wrong about you but I know how the double standards work in situations like this. The man is a jerk who uses an innocent woman and the woman would be an empowered feminist who gives men a taste of their own medicine. Again if this is truly now how you think I apologize for assuming it but I have heard this view too many times to know it is very common. BS. I don't know about specific posters, but a recent thread comes to mind where women were advising the OP to drop the woman who was treating him badly. Then when the OP revealed the woman had been using him for money, the advice from myself and other women was on how to get his money back from the b*tch. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/341014-question-about-dating-3.html The advice was not anything close to stop being a whiny baby or "at least you got sex". My advice to a person of either gender on the other end of this would be to not assume every person wants a relationship since there are jerks like this out there (male and female) who will use a person for sex or money without regard for their feelings. But just because a person doesn't have the confidence or knowledge to ask your intentions up front doesn't make it much less despicable to not reveal your intentions up front. The right thing to do if you're looking for a booty call or sugar momma/daddy is to assume to the other person is approaching the situation as a human being with feelings and be honest with them. Edited August 26, 2012 by The Way I Am
Woggle Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 I read that thread and I do agree that both the men and women were on his side but I do think in this thread if the genders were reversed the responses would be much different.
RedRobin Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 You know it is. You would tell the guy to get over it and stop being a whiny baby and might even call him sexist for assuming that every woman wants a relationship. I apologize if I am wrong about you but I know how the double standards work in situations like this. The man is a jerk who uses an innocent woman and the woman would be an empowered feminist who gives men a taste of their own medicine. Again if this is truly now how you think I apologize for assuming it but I have heard this view too many times to know it is very common. If you are going to slander someone, Woggle, make it specific and accurate. I've gone after a number of women here who brag about using men for sex, money, or anything else... in particular, the ones who claim men of certain 'status' are not 'relationship material'.... and therefore, it is ok to string guys along in FWB type arrangements while they seek out some mythical 'alpha' male. I suspect women who make a habit of doing that are equally vague in their representation of their motives... and hurt alot of men in the process. I have provided many examples from men I'm close to whom have been hurt in relationships... So, I greatly resent you throwing me into your BS pile.
RedRobin Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 The right thing to do if you're looking for a booty call or sugar momma/daddy is to assume to the other person is approaching the situation as a human being with feelings and be honest with them. Posted for emphasis.
Woggle Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 If you are going to slander someone, Woggle, make it specific and accurate. I've gone after a number of women here who brag about using men for sex, money, or anything else... in particular, the ones who claim men of certain 'status' are not 'relationship material'.... and therefore, it is ok to string guys along in FWB type arrangements while they seek out some mythical 'alpha' male. I suspect women who make a habit of doing that are equally vague in their representation of their motives... and hurt alot of men in the process. I have provided many examples from men I'm close to whom have been hurt in relationships... So, I greatly resent you throwing me into your BS pile. If you really have said that then I apologize for making that accusation but it is a double standard I hear quite often. I just think that mutual needs to apply to both genders but often it seems that some just want it one way.
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