Was it just sex

[The Way I Am]

I'm trying to see him once a week. If I didn't initiate it I'm not sure what would happpen. I've made plans with him for the end of the week and if he flakes then I think that'll tell me everything I need to know. If he doesn't then I'll see how long it takes him to make plans with me.

 

Here's where you're going wrong. This is a test to see his real intentions, but no test can ever tell you what's really going on inside someone's head. A person could be crazy about you but have a different expectation of relationships and love. You can never tell from a person's actions exactly why they're doing what they are.

 

What you can tell from their actions is if the person is able to meet your needs and expectations. You need to get out of this "Is he trying to use me for sex?" mindset and start thinking "Is he meeting my needs?", "How does he make me feel?"

 

Forget about his motives for wanting to be your boyfriend. Assume it's because he cares about you and enjoys spending time with you.

 

I've been on both sides of these situations, and it's very hard to have a positive outcome when the conversation is shaped around proving your genuine interest to a person who's convinced you're a phony. When someone accuses you of lack or interest or using them, and they're wrong, it hurts your feelings, and it makes you defensive and resentful that they have the audacity to argue with you about what's going on in your own head.

 

When someone says "You're doing A, but B would make me happy" without accusations or judgement, there's no reason to get defensive or resentful.

 

Also, when you worry about what his actions mean, you're less likely to speak up, because you don't want to be wrong and are waiting for "proof" that you're right. When you think about things in terms of whether your needs are met, there's no reason not to speak. There's no way you can be wrong.

 

Rather than just keeping quiet and waiting to see if he makes plans later if he cancels, if/when he does it, you tell him something like, "I'm disappointed. I know you're busy with school and work. I want you to do well in school, so I don't expect to get a lot of time together, but I was looking forward to seeing you."

 

It's important to address his actions at the time he's doing them. If you keep silent or say it's okay, you're contradicting your previous message that you want to see him more.

 

I know you've told him already that you want to see him more, and he's getting annoyed with it, but if you've been addressing it with the thought that he's using you, that will have come across and made him resentful and less likely to want to do meet your request. You need to make clear that you don't want to get in the way of his school or work but that to feel good about the relationship, you need to see him more often. Just not in a threatening ultimatum sort of way.

 

If you've addressed the problem multiple times and there's still no improvement, then you don't need any other reason to end the relationship than your needs are not being met.

 

I figured I'd mention the fact that I didn't even get a happy birthday text (he cant call)

from him. But I'm not even going to nag him about that because he did acknowledge the fact that it was my birthday unlike some people who are supposed to be much more important and there is still a chance that he might get me something.

If you want a birthday gift, it doesn't hurt to hint that you want one so he knows the expectation is there. If you play it like it's no big deal, don't be surprised if he doesn't make it one. Some people (myself included) don't place much importance on birthdays and will only make a big deal of it if it that seems important to the other person. Edited September 4, 2012 by The Way I Am

[gettingplayed]

That's probably some of the best advice I've gotten yet. I just didn't follow it perfectly lol.

 

He was the one who brought up getting me something for my birthday to begin with. Then he told me he would probably take me out tonight since he's off. Now he's saying he's too broke to even pay for himself. So there is a possibly we could be seeing each other tonight but I HIGHLY doubt it. When I brought it up again he had to wait and see because he might be busy...with school work or some ****. To me it just sounds like an excuse and I'll probably end up ending things.

[Untouchable_Fire]

That's probably some of the best advice I've gotten yet. I just didn't follow it perfectly lol.

He was the one who brought up getting me something for my birthday to begin with. Then he told me he would probably take me out tonight since he's off. Now he's saying he's too broke to even pay for himself. So there is a possibly we could be seeing each other tonight but I HIGHLY doubt it. When I brought it up again he had to wait and see because he might be busy...with school work or some ****. To me it just sounds like an excuse and I'll probably end up ending things.

 

Is he honestly busy or just blowing you off?

[xpaperxcutx]

That's probably some of the best advice I've gotten yet. I just didn't follow it perfectly lol.

 

He was the one who brought up getting me something for my birthday to begin with. Then he told me he would probably take me out tonight since he's off. Now he's saying he's too broke to even pay for himself. So there is a possibly we could be seeing each other tonight but I HIGHLY doubt it. When I brought it up again he had to wait and see because he might be busy...with school work or some ****. To me it just sounds like an excuse and I'll probably end up ending things.

 

Sounds like he's all talk.

 

I remember the last guy I dated came on really strong, especially with promises he never bothered to keep. He could've won awards the way he always said he'll see me this and this day, or go to this and this place. Yet when it came down to confirming plans he always had some excuse that veers off into whining about his life and his situations.

 

I think you should really take a step back from him and watch his moves. I honestly don't think it takes alot of work to keep a relationship going, if he truly cares about you and wants to be with you, he will try to go out of his way to make you either feel special or wanted. There are good guys who are relationship worthy and then there are guys who date half-heartedly.

[gettingplayed]

When I brought up our possible plans for this Friday first he said he was too broke then he started saying he might be busy with school work that in my opinion can be done over the weekend. Wow that really stands out to me. Two excuses. Should I just go ahead and end things? I really like him but when we were texting about this last night I guess he most of gotten annoyed and he completely stopped texting me. An hour later when I texted to see if everything was good I still didn't get a reply back. Now my phone is completely off but I still have a way to text him.

[gettingplayed]

I think that he's a really good guy with a great head on his shoulders. I doubt he's out doing stuff with other women. I just think he doesny care as much as I would like him to.

[xpaperxcutx]

When I brought up our possible plans for this Friday first he said he was too broke then he started saying he might be busy with school work that in my opinion can be done over the weekend. Wow that really stands out to me. Two excuses. Should I just go ahead and end things? I really like him but when we were texting about this last night I guess he most of gotten annoyed and he completely stopped texting me. An hour later when I texted to see if everything was good I still didn't get a reply back. Now my phone is completely off but I still have a way to text him.

See that's the thing, why is he ignoring you? Unless you were nagging him incessantly I don't see a need for him to play the passive aggressor and throw prissy fits like this.

 

The guy I dated operated the same way. He only saw me on his terms and when I try to text him or call him, he either disappeared or refuse to pick up calls or answer my texts. Comparing him to my current boyfriend, my bf is more understanding, open and honest. He will tell me whats on his mind instead of keeping me in the dark and almost always he gets back to me when I contact him.

I think that he's a really good guy with a great head on his shoulders. I doubt he's out doing stuff with other women. I just think he doesny care as much as I would like him to.

 

Maybe he is a good person in general but he just doesn't have to the qualities to be a good boyfriend. I do believe you just have to chalk this up to the both of you wanting different things- you need a more attentive guy who is willing to put in the time and effort to see you. He just isn't it.

[gettingplayed]

I definitely didn't nag incessantly and I hope I hope it didn't come off that way because I wasn't really upset at all. I don't think I should be SO quick to say he was ignoring because he usually doesn't. I might have to ask him something twice to get a reply but he normally doesnt ignore me. And lately when I think he is it's usually just been something wrong with my phone and I end up getting the texts a day or two later. Which then make me feel like he's actually not so bad after all. So who knows if he replied back or not.

 

I'm not even sure what should say to him after I go get my phone turned on later. Or if I should even say anything at all.

 

Okay so I just thought of something. Now I would love to have an attentive who was always trying to see me but we don't always get what we want and I really do understand he has a busy schedule. None of this was a problem until after school started. When my sister was working and in school full time I RARELY saw her. Now I had a few doubts about him in the beginning which I think its safe to say he proved me wrong. I'm hearing all this talk about how if a guy really care he'll make time for the girl which I don't doubt for a second. But to be quite honest (probably more to myself) I don't actually feel like I NEED to see him that much. If we could just text and talk on the phone at night (and it doesnt have to be every day) then that's enough for me until both of our schedules allows us time to see each other. Its possible that I only think I need to see him fairly often because to me that proves that he does care which in turn erases thoses doubts I had about him in the beginning that I guess never went away. Does this make any sense at all?

Edited September 7, 2012 by gettingplayed

[The Way I Am]

What you're saying makes perfect sense. That's what I was hoping to get you thinking about. Whether you really need to see him or whether you want to as validation that he's behaving the way people say he should.

 

That's not to say that "if a guy likes a girl, he'll make time for her" is wrong. It's a good guideline but it has exceptions.

 

If this were your 3rd date and the guy was behaving this way, I'd say move on without a second thought. A couple months into a relationship where the guy asked you for exclusivity, you have to consider the circumstances.

 

If you don't need to see him, that changes my advice slightly. At this point, I think you should take a step back and give him -- and yourself -- some space. Just take some time to get your thoughts sorted out about him and your priorities and needs. If seeing him once a week isn't something you need and you're okay with texts and phone calls, then just go with it.

 

I'm getting the impression that even though you don't intend to nag and don't get upset, he might still be feeling a bit smothered. If this were a case where your needs aren't being met, then your actions would be fine. I would just mean the two of you aren't compatible. But if you don't need what you've been asking for, you're just driving a wedge between you from your insecurities about how a boyfriend is "supposed" to act.

 

If he calls, just be happy to talk to him. Ask how work and school are going. Be supportive. Basic positive reinforcement. If talking to you is a pleasant and supportive experience, he'll be more inclined to want to talk to you and see you.

 

And you know what, it may turn out that he isn't that interested, he's seeing other girls, he can't meet some of you genuine needs, or you two just aren't right for each other. But if so, that will eventually come out. And you'll be able to move on from the relationship knowing you gave it its best chance.

[gettingplayed]

So I think this guys true colors are finally starting to show. He is definitely all talk. When I would bring not spending time together I'd get an excuse. He eventually started ignoring me whenever I brought it up. Now while 99% of our conversations don't revolve around sex and I can pretty much always depend on him to text me first if I bring up having sex he definitely has no problem or excuse making time for that. We both still live with our parents so normally he'd get a room. But now he's saying we can go to his place but we'd never be able to stay too long bc he doesn't want to get caught. Does this raise red flags for anyone? It doesn't so much for me bc I don't know what his home life is like. I've never met his parents but that doesn't bother me since its still early for me. This guy obvious has time to **** me but nothing else. Do you guys still think him asking me to be his girlfriend makes such a big difference now?

Edited September 10, 2012 by gettingplayed

[KungFuJoe]

Why the hell would you name yourself "gettingplayed"?

 

Seriously? I'm more concerned about your choice in nicks than your so called relationship.

[gettingplayed]

Go **** yourself if you're not going to help.

[KungFuJoe]

Go **** yourself if you're not going to help.

 

No need to get testy. I'm just saying that how you perceive yourself goes a long way in how others treat you.

 

It's kinda like if your nick was dirtyslutho and you came here wondering why guys just wanted to use you for sex.

 

Start treating yourself better before you worry about what you mean to others.

[The Way I Am]

Now while 99% of our conversations don't revolve around sex and I can pretty much always depend on him to text me first if I bring up having sex he definitely has no problem or excuse making time for that.

 

Having time for sex but not having time to spend unrelated to sex is a big red flag.

 

Since you have an insecurity about being used for sex are you sure it's that's what he's doing and it's not your insecurity convincing you that's what's going on?

 

It's only been 3 days since your last post, so that's not really enough time to show a different pattern of behavior. What specifically was the situation that showed you that he will make time for sex but not other time for you?

 

I'm not saying you should doubt yourself if you have a solid reason to believe he only has time for sex. But I don't want you to break up with him and then afterward start to wonder if you made incorrect assumptions and then regret your decision.

Edited September 10, 2012 by The Way I Am

[gettingplayed]

It just seems weird that if I bring up sex he responds but I kinda just get ignored if I wanna do something else. And he wants to sneak me around his house because he doesn't wanna get caught with me. I basically gave him an ultimatum the other day and all I get is ignored. To me that sounds like he doesn't care but what do I know? And then after ignoring me he texts me the next day like there's nothing wrong. I'm not gonna break up with him just yet but I'm kind of getting annoyed with this.

[The Way I Am]

People will rarely respond well to an ultimatum. And when they actually do, the results are usually temporary, lasting only long enough that the person thinks they're in the clear. Avoid ultimatums like the plague. Know your needs and what is a deal breaker for you. If a person doesn't meet your needs after you've expressed them, then leave without resorting to threats. A reasonable person knows that if they aren't making their partner happy, they'll leave. That shouldn't need to be said.

 

Almost every guy is going to perk up more and pay more attention at the mention of sex than if you mention something like going to dinner or a movie. That doesn't mean they're only interested in sex. So if he's just being more responsive at the mention of sex and replying to texts faster, then I don't think you should assume he's just using you.

 

But if you've noticed that when you mention going out, he's wishy washy and flakes on plans, but when you put sex on the table, he's immediately available, then you've got a problem. If that's the case, just dump him.

 

That leads me to a more difficult question. If he's not making time for you and making you feel special, why are you bringing up sex? If he's not treating you well and you respond by putting sex on the table, you're sort of offering yourself up to be used for sex. Or did I misread that you're usually the one to bring up sex?

 

The fact that he doesn't want you to get caught at his house is odd. I can see why you wouldn't like that. That's a totally reasonable concern. Have you asked or has he explained why you can't be seen at his house? Have you told him that you don't like that?

[gettingplayed]

I'm going to see how things go the next week or so before deciding to dump him. I may just be jumping to conclusions WAY too soon. I feel all over the place. I hope things go well.

 

And I brought sex up this time pretty much bc I wanted to see how'd he respond. And about the house thing..if he's trying to allow me over only so he can sleep with me but then keep me from meeting his parents then I think that would raise a red flag. I talked to him about it and that didn't seem to be the problem but I'm going to have to let his actions speak. At this point I guess all I can do is wait.

[The Way I Am]

Yeah, I think you are jumping to conclusions and letting your insecurities get the best of you.

 

I suspected you might have brought up the sex thing to see how he'd respond. That's otherwise known as testing or playing games. Not a good way to approach a relationship.

 

You're also setting up a self-fulfilling prophecy. You're biggest fear is being used for sex and in the process of trying to test the guy, you're sending the message that you're the type of girl who's okay with being neglected but still coming around for sex. If you give a guy that impression, even if he was interested in a real relationship, it he may lose respect and start to see you as "just sex" material. You've only done it once, so hopefully it didn't have that affect, but don't make a habit of it.

 

I'd want to find out the reason why it's a problem for you to be in his house. Do his parents have some sort of strict dating rules? Some other reason? Does he see the possibility of you meeting his parents once the relationship is a little more established? You shouldn't have to guess about those things. He should be willing to to answer if you ask those questions. If somebody was sneaking me out of their house, I'd want to know the reason as soon as possible, because that's just not normal. But I'd hold off on those questions right now, because like you said, you're all over the place. I think for the moment, you need to back off with the questions and the tests, put a little trust in him and just enjoy when he contacts you. If you can't do that and can't trust him, then the relationship will never work.

 

Just relax and give him some space. What's the worst that will happen if you just leave him be, let him have some space and maybe let him miss you a little?

[gettingplayed]

Okay, I'm definitely gonna lay off and give him some space. Hell, if I was him I'd want some space from me too even though I'm not bugging him as much as I could be though. I think my biggest fear now is him not spending time with me/not caring...and only wanting sex. I don't know.

 

I asked him about the parent thing and he said he didn't want them getting the wrong idea about what we're doing since they don't want that happening in their house. When I said we wouldn't be doing anything he said that he'd just have to let them know what was going on. I hope this makes sense. So it doesn't seem like he's trying to keep me a secret from his fam but we'll see. That's why I said I'd let his actions speak.

 

I'm definitely going to back off so that I don't do anything I'm going to regret. I'm thinking about deleting his number from my phone so that even if I wanted to contact him I wouldn't be able to.

 

When we talked today he mentioned something we could start doing on his off days and let me know what days he was off. When I asked if he wanted to do something he completely ignored me. And I thought it was something he would want to do since he mentioned it. Whatever though. I'm just gonna stop caring about his actions. Its feels like I'm single anyway.

Edited September 11, 2012 by gettingplayed

[The Way I Am]

That seems like a valid reason for having to sneak you into around his parents. You said yourself it's too early to meet his parents yet, so I wouldn't even worry about that right now. Like you said, judge by his actions in the future when it is an appropriate time to meet his parents.

 

Don't get bummed out or stop caring. Nothing you've said you did sounds crazy over the top or anything, but what you've been doing is probably enough to make a guy hesitate or pause and wonder if the relationship is really going to work.

 

Don't delete his number. I've been there and tried that sort of thing and it never worked. When I really wanted to call, I'd just find some place to look the number up.

 

What I recommend is when you start feeling insecure or get the urge to contact him or test him, instead read about relationships, communication, and how to overcome insecurities. Do something that will help you in this relationship (or any potential future relationships) rather than damage it.

 

When we talked today he mentioned something we could start doing on his off days and let me know what days he was off. When I asked if he wanted to do something he completely ignored me. And I thought it was something he would want to do since he mentioned it.

 

The fact that he suggested things you could start doing is a positive sign. And he let you know when he would be available to do them, which is also positive. I'm not really sure what went on here.

 

Is this what happened?

Him: "We should start doing xyz. My days off are 1, 2, and 3."

You: "Great. Let's do xyz on day 1."

Him: Ignores you and changes the subject.

 

That would be a suspiciously weird response from him.

 

Or was it more like this.

Him: "We should start doing xyz. My days off are 1, 2, and 3."

You: A con-committal response or change of subject.

Sometime later.

You: We should do xyz sometime.

Him: Ignores you.

[gettingplayed]

It was more like the first one. When I texted him again hours

later he came up with an excuse and said he was broke again. I suggested hanging out at my place and he said it was too soon to meet my mom. I'm pretty sure I scared him off of meeting my mom though. He said he'd rather do that later since we haven't been together that long. He's fine with meeting my sister though. So I gave up after this. I told him I felt like I was trying to get him to hang out when he really doesn't want to so I was going to lay off. Goodnight. No reply.

 

I am bummed out. Its going to be hard to care. If he's wondering about rather the relationship is going to work and I'm wondering the same thing then...can we just end it already?!

[gettingplayed]

10 characters

Edited September 18, 2012 by gettingplayed

[The Way I Am]

So..I gave him some space..somewhat lol. Anyway he texted me this morning. We hadnt spoke for two days and he said he would maybe come get me tmrw afternoon. Honestly I didn't really feel like talking to him. I texted him about an hour and asked what was he trying to do. He said he was trying to take me back to the house for a little. I texted back saying You want to have sex? Really? I don't feel like he deserves it for some reason. Then he said he would take me out to eat Thursday. I told him that we both know that's not going to happen. No reply. Once again...am I overthinking? Or what? He's done this before..its in the first post.

 

I don't know if over thinking is the right term. Negative thinking maybe?

 

You should consider the effect your end of the conversation has on the other person. I'd like to agree with you, but when you give the details of your conversations, it seems like you're being antagonistic toward him. I find it hard to judge him negatively for not wanting to spend time with you when I can see you creating reasons for him not to want to.

 

You're trying to catch flies with vinegar instead of honey. You're treating him like he's scum, and you expect him to want to come around for more of that. You're not treating him with affection and respect. Why should he treat you that way? I'm really not sure why he's sticking around for the mistreatment. He either really likes you, or if he is using you for sex, he doesn't have enough game to get another woman. If he's attractive enough, there are women who would have no-strings sex with him without treating him like he's a dirt bag.

 

If you want him to want to spend time with you, you should make an effort to be more positive and more trusting.

 

Why did you just assume he wanted to have sex right off the bat? When he texted you to say he would pick you up tomorrow did you really ask what he was "trying to do"? That's a pretty accusatory phrasing. A better response would have been, "Great. I'd like to [insert inexpensive activity here]." If he responded, "no, I want you to come to my house", and appropriate answer would be something like, "I'd rather go out."

 

You can send the message that you're not okay with being used for sex without accusing him of doing so.

 

You antagonized him again when he offers to take you out on Thursday. If I offered to take someone out and they responded, "we both know that's not going to happen" there's no way I'd want it to happen after that.

 

I think you're self-sabotaging. You're convinced guys won't love you and only want to use you for sex. So you're pushing and antagonizing. Eventually, even if this guy didn't start out with that intention, you'll have pushed him so much (if you haven't already) that he'll lose respect for you. Then he might only want you for sex.

 

You should work on your self esteem and maybe talk to a therapist or counselor about the fear you have about guys using you for sex. It's healthy to be aware some guys do that and know how to filter out the guys who do before you get involved with them. But the way you deal with your insecurity is not healthy.

 

I was hopeful that you could work on it while still in this relationship, but I'm not sure that's going to work. You might be better calling things off before things get worse and/or he does turn out to be a low life, and it feeds into your insecurity.

[gettingplayed]

Is there a way I can contact you privately? There's just a little more to the story that I'm not comfortable with putting on a public forum.

[gettingplayed]

After we had that convo the other day we got into an arguement. He said he didn't even want to sleep together and that he would just do something with me Thursday. He even told me that he doesn't care about the sex and that we could stop having it if I wanted to. So he texts me the next morning being nice then asked if I wanted to come over I.e. sleep with him. I said I wasn't feeling good but we could still do something Thursday. He said ok. Didn't hear from him for the rest of the day. I texted him this evening and asked about tmrw. He said we'll see.