energygap Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 Hi all I have now been married for a week and two days and my now wife is talking about potentially seeking an annulment. We were originally engaged to be married about a month from now, in part because she was pregnant. Two weeks ago she suffered a 2nd trimester miscarriage, and due to a rare condition hemorrhaged terribly, and the resulting surgery meant the loss of her ability to conceive any more children. It was absolutely a devastating loss for her, as you can imagine. She decided she wanted to stay with me and because her family is conservative Christian we decided it would be easier to get married when she was released from the hospital, which we arranged. She has been having a very difficult time and has decided marrying was a mistake and is no longer sure she wants to be with me at all. She started researching the issue yesterday and today left to stay with family. Anyway, I'm not even sure what to say or ask, but I don't even know what to do with this. I'm not sure if I should wait and see if she changes her mind, try to visit with her, if she does file if I should fight it. It's been such a terrible roller coaster I am clueless at the moment and needed to vent.
the ill-made knight Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 Do the two of you love each other or were you simply getting married because she was pregnant? If you love each other, then I think you should go to her and try to help her through this. This is obviously devastating for her and she probably thinks now that even if she wants to be with you, you wouldn't want her because she can no longer have children. I'm sorry for your loss and hope your wife recovers in time.
Author energygap Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 yeah... that is what I am trying to think through. She's saying now she thinks she was doing it because of the pregnancy and the guilt she felt about that from her family etc. I was doing it because I love her... I am not sure if she saying that out of her personal pain or if she means it.
JD1977 Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 There is no way to know, because chances are, she doesn't know! She has so many emotions running wild now, marriage, baby, loss of a baby, and loss of any children in the future! Not to mention a serious surgery which she is probably physically exhausted an hurting from. She is a wreck! This is devistating for her, and she probably feels bad that because now that you're married and she can't give you any children. There is rush of emotions going on now! All you can do is be patient and be there for her. Talk to her family and let them know how much you want to be with her. Especially if she doesnt want to talk. I can't imagine a mother or father that wouldn't want to know their son in-law will be there for their daughter! This has to be so tough for you both, I am so very sorry for your loss. 1
Author energygap Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 thanks, yeah I've let them know where I stand. Her family seems to think that she's going through a phase in her grief and when she's feeling a little better will be interested in coming back to be with me. The tough thing is that right now she's dead set on ending our marriage, such that it is. I'm really trying to hold out and see and trying not to take this personally.
BetrayedH Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 thanks, yeah I've let them know where I stand. Her family seems to think that she's going through a phase in her grief and when she's feeling a little better will be interested in coming back to be with me. The tough thing is that right now she's dead set on ending our marriage, such that it is. I'm really trying to hold out and see and trying not to take this personally. Keep doing this. This is trauma for her. Respect her need for space at the moment but otherwise make it clear to her that you are available for whatever she may need. Tell her and anyone that will listen that you love your wife and want to be there with her through this. If she won't budge, she won't budge. If she files for an annulment, tell her that you don't want it. But if she persist, accept it and you will have your answer. I'm very sorry for what you are going thru. Know that you will make it and you will heal whether it is with her or without her. Life can serve up some awful sh/t sandwiches sometimes.
JD1977 Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 Give her time to figure things out, I suspect she will come around, and it sounds like her family is rooting for your guys to succeed as well. Which is great. But in the mean time, start taking time for yourself to grieve and heal. You have been through a lot as well.
Author energygap Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 Keep doing this. This is trauma for her. Respect her need for space at the moment but otherwise make it clear to her that you are available for whatever she may need. Tell her and anyone that will listen that you love your wife and want to be there with her through this. If she won't budge, she won't budge. If she files for an annulment, tell her that you don't want it. But if she persist, accept it and you will have your answer. I'm very sorry for what you are going thru. Know that you will make it and you will heal whether it is with her or without her. Life can serve up some awful sh/t sandwiches sometimes. This is pretty good. I've been sitting thinking, if she does press it, should I fight it? and maybe not. Say it is grief, depression, whatever speaking, and she does this, I'd still find out sooner or later and we could try to work things out again. I'd really like to be by her side through this, but, I guess I can't force it either.
Author energygap Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 Give her time to figure things out, I suspect she will come around, and it sounds like her family is rooting for your guys to succeed as well. Which is great. But in the mean time, start taking time for yourself to grieve and heal. You have been through a lot as well. Yeah I hope so. It's really difficult to not be able to comfort her, be by her side... or do anything, to help her. Part of my problem is not knowing what I should do, especially since we are at least technically married. Sitting around waiting on this stuff is killer.
BetrayedH Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 Yeah I hope so. It's really difficult to not be able to comfort her, be by her side... or do anything, to help her. Part of my problem is not knowing what I should do, especially since we are at least technically married. Sitting around waiting on this stuff is killer. Is there one person in her family with whom you can keep in regular contact without being a stalker? She may be (subconsciously) testing you to see if you still want her/care for her/love her now that you don't have a child holding you to her and since she can't have children in the future. I guess I am just trying to say it would be good to stay connected. Is there a sister or some other relative in whom you can confide without being a nuissance? Someone that can know and even subtly convey that you are waiting/calling/concerned/scared but love her enough to respect her wishes?
Author energygap Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 Is there one person in her family with whom you can keep in regular contact without being a stalker? She may be (subconsciously) testing you to see if you still want her/care for her/love her now that you don't have a child holding you to her and since she can't have children in the future. I guess I am just trying to say it would be good to stay connected. Is there a sister or some other relative in whom you can confide without being a nuissance? Someone that can know and even subtly convey that you are waiting/calling/concerned/scared but love her enough to respect her wishes? yeah.. she's staying with her sister, and her mom is also there now helping her. I have been talking to both and I've been surprised, actually, at how communicative they are. I'm relying on their judgment right now as far as what I should be doing.
BetrayedH Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 I think you're doing what you can. Even if she annuls, there's no law that says you can't reconnect. Perhaps she will need it so she can assure herself that she is marrying you for you rather than out of sense of obligation. You're in a tough spot. For what it's worth, you are more than "technically" her husband. You have been with her for 7 years, went thru a pregnancy with her and married her. You are her husband until you aren't. Do what you can to take care of the rest of your marital responsibilities until she comes home. Maybe that will help keep you busy and show her that you're not leaving or treating this marriage as temporary. 1
Author energygap Posted August 26, 2012 Author Posted August 26, 2012 I think you're doing what you can. Even if she annuls, there's no law that says you can't reconnect. Perhaps she will need it so she can assure herself that she is marrying you for you rather than out of sense of obligation. You're in a tough spot. For what it's worth, you are more than "technically" her husband. You have been with her for 7 years, went thru a pregnancy with her and married her. You are her husband until you aren't. Do what you can to take care of the rest of your marital responsibilities until she comes home. Maybe that will help keep you busy and show her that you're not leaving or treating this marriage as temporary. True, though we haven't been together that long. I know her family is concerned that she's acting a little erratic in some others ways and I hope we can get her in to see the dr maybe as soon as possible.
Author energygap Posted August 26, 2012 Author Posted August 26, 2012 If I read this right you actually got married after the miscarriage? There's a whole lot of emotions going on inside her right now. I think I'd let it rest right now. She MAY have a shot at annulment and she may not. There are very specific requirements that have to be met. Even at that, I'm not sure it's a much quicker procedure than divorce. There's probably time for the dust to settle a little. Something that came to my mind in reading this is I wonder if her being unable to have children in the future has a bearing on her wanting to leave you? As in a sense of guilt that you couldn't have children together. Were the conversations you had about the pregnancy joyful, exciting? This may be part of the problem...her guilt and probably a feeling of being a "broken" woman. Right we got married after, the day she was released from the hospital. We were excited about the baby. It was nerve wracking at first, but once we got a general plan we were both looking forward to our family. The day she miscarried, earlier that day, we had been looking at places big enough for a baby. We talked a lot about how many children we'd want and all that, and yes, I'm very concerned those things are going through her head. I don't know what else I could say to convince her that I love her regardless.
Author energygap Posted August 27, 2012 Author Posted August 27, 2012 If I were you I think I would write her a heartfelt letter telling her exactly how you feel, what she means to you and that you still want to be married to her. Ask her to give it some time before making a decision on the marriage. Tell her that you are respecting her wish for space but that you very much want to be there with her and for her, and all she has to do is say the word and you'll be there. She can read that and digest it on her time line without pressure. You might look into the laws concerning annulment just in case she does move forward with it. You may be able to buy time if needed. I'm not suggesting you hold her hostage to the marriage, but she needs to take some time to sort out her feelings before doing anything. thanks, I've been working on something like this letter this weekend. It's essential to me that she knows I'd prefer to have her around, that I miss her, that'd I'd jump at the opportunity to be with her right now. Her mom and sister are getting her in to see her physician because they are concerned about her moods and I am crossing my fingers that may help. Part of the difficulty now is not knowing how much of this is about her grief and how much is related to a greater reality. Rationally I know at least most of it is her pain speaking. I did some searching on annulments and it seems like maybe she could do it, i'ts not entirely clear to me. If she is able to file for one and we both agree to it then the marriage becomes invalid immediately, if I don't, then it could go on. If she gets the point of being able to file for one I'm not exactly sure what I will do.
Author energygap Posted September 8, 2012 Author Posted September 8, 2012 I've had a couple long discussions with my wife and she has explained some things clearly. Once the shock of events wore off she was overwhelmed at also being married. She really is unsure that this is what she wants to do... she thought her hand was forced when she was pregnant and it was a sign that going ahead and getting married was what she ought to do. Now that she is not pregnant, and cannot get pregnant, she's thinking she wants to take time to reevaluate her beliefs and values before jumping into something else. Her ideal life was to be a wife and mother. Now she feels that has been taken from her and she's feeling lost. In short, she is still wanting to nullify the marriage if possible. I understand what she is saying but I am absolutely destroyed by this.
the ill-made knight Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 OP, I am extremely sorry to hear this. I think though your wife just needs more time. It sounds like everything is very overwhelming to her right now and I don't think she really knows what she wants or needs. I think she married you because she was pregnant and also because she associated motherhood with marriage as well. Now that she has lost one she's confused and conflicted about the other. As much as this hurts, I'd give her space and whatever it is she asks of you.
Author energygap Posted September 8, 2012 Author Posted September 8, 2012 OP, I am extremely sorry to hear this. I think though your wife just needs more time. It sounds like everything is very overwhelming to her right now and I don't think she really knows what she wants or needs. I think she married you because she was pregnant and also because she associated motherhood with marriage as well. Now that she has lost one she's confused and conflicted about the other. As much as this hurts, I'd give her space and whatever it is she asks of you. The problem is she wants to end the marriage, whatever it was. I don't disagree that it is still soon... and there's a lot going on emotionally, but it's tough when want she wants is to move on from our relationship entirely.
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