LaDiva Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 Hello LS: Here is my previous thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/340926-what-if I was on Day 13 of NC (30 days exactly out of the house at that point) with H when my pastor's wife went to go see him. H told my pastor's wife that he wanted to see me hurt and that's why H kept saying things like "ILYBINILWY" and she's "just a friend, I don't love her like I should love a wife". Well she told H that she would like for him to meet with her and her H so that we can "discuss things civilly" and that while he may be hurt he needed to be fair. (We have been in MC and IC with them before) Same day H calls me from a private number at 6:50 AM. I answered and he didn't say anything - but I KNEW it was him. Then he called again at 2:13 AM and we stayed on the phone for 3 hours. He demanded to know why I left the home, why I hate him so much, why I had the police involved, etc. Utterly oblivious. I apologized that I was a horrible wife to him, although I do not feel I was that bad, I have to acknowledge his feelings. He stated that he did not think our argument was going to bring us to this point. He misses me, his kids miss me and things are not the same and that he cries every night. I was calm, listened to what he was saying, interjected short but appropriate responses and then I was the one to end the phone call. H shows up at my job a few hours later, he is wearing sunglasses and asks me how I'm doing, where I am staying etc. He tells me that he has a doctor's appointment and can I lend him 20.00. I say no, mostly because of his recent drug use (that came out of nowhere) and also because yes, I know he is currently unemployed and probably really did need $20.00 to hold himself over until the next unemployment check... but I did not feel as if I should just give him money (enabling - but not just enabling, preventing him from finding a way to get it, or always being there to the rescue when in reality I do believe he needs a job). So I said no, but what I can give you is a metrocard that has like 2 day's fare on it. He said thank you. Gave me a hug, and a kiss on the cheek then caressed my waist. He asked me if we could meet on Saturday for a cup of coffee at his/my old house. I feel uncomfortable about being in that home... so I suggested we catch a movie instead. Am I doing the wrong things here?
Author LaDiva Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 I also didn't want to forget to mention that when he was walking away he said "So I'll see you Saturday right?" (This was Wednesday) and I said "If you would like to see me on Saturday then I would like to see you too." And he was like "Ok, I love you." and I responded back. So I asked him, wait is that just something we say or do we really mean it? and he says "I really mean it." and then I said "Well ok, see you soon." I just feel like since we have had LC then NC - at least both of our actions scream 180! He showed me that same day he enrolled into some job searching program and I enrolled in school, and have been doing me while missing him. I'm just wondering if meeting on Saturday with no set agenda is a good thing? Your advice is so appreciated
the ill-made knight Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 I would meet him and see where things go for now. 1
whichwayisup Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 I have to go read your other thread..But for now, I say, meet him for 'coffee and lunch' to talk. Do not go to a movie, that's too much like a date and for him to make a move on you (hand holding and cuddling) which you don't need right now. You say he's recently into drugs..BE weary of this! What is it that you want in the long run? He says he loves you but isn't in love with you.. Now all of a sudden after NC, (or LC) he's done a 180? I worry that you're going to open yourself to him and he'll run the other way again, hurting you all over again. 1
JD1977 Posted August 25, 2012 Posted August 25, 2012 I also didn't read your initial post, but I completely agree with whichwayisup... No movie, that's just like falling into old habits because it feels good. He wants you to remember that feeling. But you need dialogue, you need to sit down and see if the changes are real, or just for show. I would also meet out some where, this gives you a forced time limit. I wouldnt feel good about you going to his house (especially with the drug use) plus its easy to get nostalgic and things can happen. The last thing you need is to start at square one! Good luck tomorrow! 1
Author LaDiva Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 Thank you all for your responses! What I meant when I said 180 is all the things that I wanted from him (basically to take back his manhood) he is doing. His recent and out of nowhere drug use is PCP, from what I'm reading or have read it isn't a physically addictive drug inasmuch as it is a psychologically addictive drug. My hope is that as quickly as he picked this stuff up, he will put it back down. I also believe that due to job loss (due to crazy custody allegations from ex) he is feeling emasculated. I do not think me being in the house is going to help him reclaim his "manhood" or sense of responsibility - since he lost his job last August 2011, I have been the breadwinner. I know, I know I was screaming I want a divorce, but I really don't. I want to be together with my H. I miss the family that we created. I do believe that there has been a disconnect in our relationship and that's what I want fixed. I guess I started to feel like I could do SO much better without him and now that I am without him, I realize that there is more to him than just what he could bring to the table financially. I am missing everything else he gave me.
Author LaDiva Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 I have to go read your other thread..But for now, I say, meet him for 'coffee and lunch' to talk. Do not go to a movie, that's too much like a date and for him to make a move on you (hand holding and cuddling) which you don't need right now. You say he's recently into drugs..BE weary of this! What is it that you want in the long run? He says he loves you but isn't in love with you.. Now all of a sudden after NC, (or LC) he's done a 180? I worry that you're going to open yourself to him and he'll run the other way again, hurting you all over again. I do worry about getting hurt, but the more I hear from other people the more I think that he does not have an agenda. I do believe people can be confused, shoot, I was happy when he first called and was glad that we can finally be civil to one another, but the fact still remains that we are seperated and I've found some place else to live for the time being, and do not want to relinquish that feeling of being secure in something. Having not seen him for ... today makes 36 days... when the longest time I've been gone before is 1-3 days, I do believe that he misses me. I do believe he is realizing he "may" have done crazy things while he was under the influence... and I think he is starting to feel the financial strain of all the bills. Unemployment money isn't going to get him through rent, lights, gas - his beloved cable and cell phone has been turned off and I think he needs to realize this. And perhaps I should have stated everything we both have been doing screams UNINTENTIONAL 180 - he is literally doing everything I wouldn't have expected him to do... like guys used to hang out in the hallway of our private house because the lock was broken, and I don't like coming home and having to walk through these guys who are smoking weed and looking all around suspect, so I used to tell my H.. "Uhhhh... can you tell them to get the f out of our hallway?" and he would be like... "oh... no... they aren't bothering anyone... I don't want problems." He finally got rid of all the junk that was in our storage closet, fixed the tile in the kitchen, etc. I had been nagging him to get his teeth fixed, he finally did that... then he shows me the "work" schedule of this job search program which has training classes and whatnot and I'm like okay... at least he is trying to go forward with his life, with or without me.
Author LaDiva Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 I also didn't read your initial post, but I completely agree with whichwayisup... No movie, that's just like falling into old habits because it feels good. He wants you to remember that feeling. But you need dialogue, you need to sit down and see if the changes are real, or just for show. I would also meet out some where, this gives you a forced time limit. I wouldnt feel good about you going to his house (especially with the drug use) plus its easy to get nostalgic and things can happen. The last thing you need is to start at square one! Good luck tomorrow! Things I do NOT plan on doing: 1) Moving back into that apartment at all. For all intents and purposes he believes because he possessed ownership prior to our relationship of the place, its the only thing he has going that says "I USED to be independent enough that I could pay the entire rent and bills here." -> Plan of Action, we will need to move into a new place (which we have been trying to do for 4 years now). I will go there and interact with the girls, and its hard to do a DB 180 when the problem for him was that I was never home or that I didn't spend quality time, or I didn't cook or clean, but I dunno how I can show him the complete opposite of those things if I'm not in the house. 2) Getting a Divorce. I realize that people can be back and forth on this thing and topic, and even last night I was like, ok well how long will these changes last if we were to reconcile? but I do plan on continuing to be separated for another 3-6 months. This should give us both enough time to figure out how to proceed. Can a separation heal a marriage? I don't know. But I do know that divorce doesn't cure a marriage either. H called me last night from niece's cell phone, (his cell phone is cut off) he left a message to call him back on his friend's cell phone, but I did not do it... because I started DB and it says to let him initiate all contact. My niece told me that he showed her his old cell phone and our wedding photos are in it and that he was saying to her "how much he loves me and how happy we were and that we're going to get it back we just need space and time." I want to love him brand new, but I just don't want to end of back here at this moment in my life ever again.
Author LaDiva Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 I also didn't read your initial post, but I completely agree with whichwayisup... No movie, that's just like falling into old habits because it feels good. He wants you to remember that feeling. But you need dialogue, you need to sit down and see if the changes are real, or just for show. I would also meet out some where, this gives you a forced time limit. I wouldnt feel good about you going to his house (especially with the drug use) plus its easy to get nostalgic and things can happen. The last thing you need is to start at square one! Good luck tomorrow! I was hoping to get the dialogue going by going to see "Hope Springs" - and let me say... movies are not an ideal "date" for either me or H... our usual dates that we've had in the past three years is having "lunch" or "dinner" together... But I told him already that I could meet him at the park, he says no because of an injury to his eye, I said well I'm going to go see this movie that I've been trying to see for a while, its obviously a love story/ comedy.. and right about now we need to be able to laugh about what the frig just happened. I honestly feel guys that if I were to sit across from him from any length of time, I would be just throughly annoyed. I figure lets have a quiet time to think and watch this movie about what we are going through sort of and then we can discuss how we enjoyed the movie ... and if that opens a dialogue then it does.. if it doesn't I'm actually okay with that as well because I'm also being selfish.. my H never courted me we just moved right intogether because of a situation I was in when I met him. We never dated. We've gone out on dates since we've been together... but I dunno... maybe for the first 6 months of our relationship we went to the gym together, but mostly our fun time was family fun time. Initially he asked if he could take my "lunch" break with me on Wednesday, I let him know that I ended up taking lunch earlier already, and he looked so disappointed.
Author LaDiva Posted August 25, 2012 Author Posted August 25, 2012 the movie is two hours long... we have a purpose and a time limit here, the ending of the movie signifies that it is time to go... I will ask him to walk me to the train station, and to give me a hug, if he wants to sit down and talk we can do that too.
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