Why would someone avoid discussing a mutual interest?

[SpiralOut]

I have a theory but I want to make sure I'm not just seeing this from a totally skewed perception.

 

Let's say someone has invited you out on a date. You notice you have something in common with this person that makes you excited because it gives you so much to talk about. Like maybe you both like the same sport, or you are both vegetarian. So you try and talk to them about it since it's a common interest and they obviously want to get to know you better since they are the ones who invited you out. But they don't want to talk about that shared interest. You pick up a feeling of anger from them. It's weird, because they advertised this about themselves, so if they didn't want to talk about it you'd think they would have just kept quiet about it in the first place. You pick up the feeling that they are very determined to be contrary.

 

What is this?

 

I'm thinking it must be arrogance. Like maybe this is something about themself they think makes them special, and meeting someone else like that makes them feel threatened.

 

I just encountered this recently and I'm trying to figure it out because it just seems so strange.

[whichwayisup]

Is it possible he lied about that common interest?

 

That seems really odd, especially his reaction - Anger.

[Silly_Girl]

Is it possible he lied about that common interest?

 

 

Totally my instinct too.

 

Spiral, replay things but with the new 'knowledge ' that their claim of that interest was a lie - does it fit in to place? Or are you able to verify it's truth?

[SpiralOut]

Huh that's an interesting idea. . . .

 

No I don't think he lied since he was able to explain enough of it that I could tell he knew what he was talking about. He advertised that he was vegetarian, transitioning to vegan which I think is cool because I've been veg for half my life and I cook a lot of vegan foods. He answered a couple of my questions but showed no interest in getting to know where I stand on the subject, despite me telling him that I share the same lifestyle. This was through emails, before we met up, so this should have been a red flag to me. I mean it would have been cool to talk about food, good restaurants to go to, and so on. I talk to people about food all the time, it's kinda a thing of mine so it surprised me that he wasn't interested in doing that.

 

When we met up, at a bookstore, I was at the cookbook section. He had trouble understanding what I was doing there and sounded surprised that I went to the bookstore often even though I had told him through email that I shop there all the time.

 

It surprised me that he was surprised so I said ummm what you don't ever come to this section, to look at cookbooks? He said yes but he only looks at the veg books. Which makes sense I guess, but I don't limit myself to that section. Sometimes there are books that have good recipes even though it doesn't have the word "vegan" on the front cover of it, but whatever. I just let it drop. He changed the subject and showed no interest in the book I had in my hands and wanted to go somewhere else. He took me to this one specific area of fiction books. He showed no interest in looking at anything else, which seemed weird because isn't that the point of meeting at a bookshop? To look around? I meet guys there all the time on first dates and nobody else has ever acted that way around me. We always walk around the different sections pointing out stuff that's good and picking up things that look interesting. But he didn't want to do that.

 

He then implied that I must not know anything about science fiction because I haven't heard of a particular author. He went on and on about how he can't believe I've never heard of him. But when I told him my favourite sci-fi author, who by the way is extremely well known, he didn't know who he was. Which kinda makes him a hypocrite but whatever, I just ignored it. He then asked if we could go somewhere else.

 

So while walking outside, he couldn't believe that I'm not a big fan of movies. When I explained that I like TV shows better and gave my reasoning for it, he ignored everything I said and just went on and on about how he can't believe I don't like movies. Well why is that so hard to understand?? I just freaking explained it to you! And when he asked me what TV shows I liked, I mentioned my favourites which are older ones. He said "that's old." Umm yeah it's old but I like it . . . what else do you want me to say? Lol I don't see what the problem is.

 

It felt like he just wanted to find something wrong with me or prove me to be a phony or something. It was just so strange.

 

Then at the pub, that I made the mistake of taking him to, the vegan thing came up again. When I said I used to be into animal rights but now I'm not so much anymore he became really angry and told me how much he cares about it. Then asked me if I'm "excited about starting a family" and looked completely surprised when I said um that's not something that I'm thinking about right now, I'm still too young. I don't know why that would surprise him so much. I know many women who feel the same way as me. Then he started talking about how the world doesn't need more children, blah blah. I was shocked. I've met vegans before who were wonderful people so I didn't really expect him to be that way. I believe in living by example, not by going on and on about how dumb other people are.

 

Okay, this just turned into a rant. It ended with us storming away from each other with our fake-polite goodnights. I don't talk to him anymore. I just want to know what on earth his problem was!! I have never encountered anyone acting that way before! It's like he wanted to believe that I'm a certain way, and seeing that I'm not pissed him off or something. I don't'know, I don't get it at all.

Edited August 25, 2012 by SpiralOut

[TaraMaiden]

Too many lentils. You need to really cook them well, or you become anally-retentive. Then you basically talk out of your ass....

 

[SpiralOut]

Who, me or him??

[Silly_Girl]

Well, doesn't *he* sound like a barrel of laughs...

[TaraMaiden]

Who, me or him??

 

Him, silly!

[SpiralOut]

Him, silly!

 

Haha okay I thought so. Guess I wasn't sure if I had done something to make him act that way but I prefer the too many lentils theory

[GG3]

Good God this sounds like a bad date. He sounds arrogant to me. I'm thinking it's not lying about the interest...I think he's arrogant and maybe feels uncomfortable connecting with someone?

 

From reading your longer post I get this air from him such as "you couldn't possibly go to the bookstore like me...couldn't possibly no more about food than me...."

[SpiralOut]

Good God this sounds like a bad date. He sounds arrogant to me. I'm thinking it's not lying about the interest...I think he's arrogant and maybe feels uncomfortable connecting with someone?

 

From reading your longer post I get this air from him such as "you couldn't possibly go to the bookstore like me...couldn't possibly no more about food than me...."

 

It was a horrible date!!

 

That's the air that I got from him too. I just don't understand it because if that's how he feels then why ask me out. If he thinks he's so great and I'm so dumb, what the hell does he want to go on a date with me for??

 

He also attempted to explain to me what I studied in school. He asked me why I chose to change my career path, then interrupted me mid-sentence to argue with me about my personal choice. He was trying to argue with me!! He tried to explain that there are different sub-topics in the field. I interrupted him to explain that yes, thank you, I know that, because I spent four years studying each of those sub-topics. lol. "oh. you did??" was his response.

 

*facepalm*

 

um. yes. lol. I did. And then I explained things to him so he could understand how it works, and he suddenly didn't want to talk about that subject anymore. lol.

 

and lets not even get into the i hate women who brag about being independent comments. those just pissed me off. I'm wondering if I should have just gone inside to pay for my bill and leave him sitting there.

[TaraMaiden]

Yes, you should!!

Laugh about it - his loss, definitely.....

 

Actually, it's now fun just going out with those guys now and then just to wind them up....!