7 years... gone?

[Layne]

Hey guys. I know this is a little lengthy, but please read and give me some help. Words will and cannot describe how thankful I will be. I'm new here and have been reading posts the past several days, trying in anyway to desperately seek answers to my relationship issue. I finally decided that everyone's issues are different and I needed to reach out for people's opinions.

 

A little background on myself, I am 22, male, just graduated from college and currently seeking a job in this suck hole economy. Anyways, for seven years, off and on, (off for about a year and half), I have dated this wonderful woman who graduated high school with me. Yes, we are that couple. Ever since I split before college, we are going on two years together. We moved into an apartment together for about a year and half now. Things were going great, and then suddenly over the past month or two, she has showed signs of anger, annoyance with me, frustration, and impatience.

 

She isn't the best communicator in the world, so a lot of these things went untalked about up until last Wednesday, when she decided to break things off. During our time of crying and talking about why this was happening, she explained to me that she just didn't feel happy anymore. That little things with me annoyed her that used to not. And that ever since she was a young girl in middle school, she feels as if she has moved from relationship to relationship, and has never really got to know what it's like to just be her. We've spoken of marriage before, but she's never been big on marriage anyways. She accepted a "promise ring" I got her last year, trying to show her I'm ok with taking our time and taking baby steps.

 

I'm of course now moved out of our apartment and back home with my parents, which is absolutely terrible! The night we broke up, she talked as if she were finished with all of this, didn't think it would work out, and so on. That next day when I went back to get the rest of my things, we talked and she said she just needed this time to figure things out. And that she hoped things did end up working out. She and I were both referring to this now "break" as a "vacation." We kissed and hugged before I left.

 

Since then... the next day, she text saying she knew she shouldn't be texting me, but she needed to talk to me. Ended up she was going through a really difficult situation at work, and needed my opinion on what to do. We hung up after telling her to enjoy her vacation and that I loved her. She said the same back to me. Then Sunday rolls around, and I get a text from her saying that she has a few of my shirts and undies that I had left in the dryer, wanted to know if she should drop them off. I met up with her, got my things, we kept talk short and small. Spoke of work, and told her I was working on things during our time apart as well, and I hoped to hear from her soon. So now today is Friday, and I've heard nothing from her.

 

Last night, without my knowing, a mutual friend of mine text her. He said he was worried about our relationship and hoped that we could work out things soon, and that he hoped we were both growing from this and learning to miss and appreciate each other. She wrote him back basically saying for him not to worry, that she was fine, and that this was something she has been wanting and needing to do for a long time, and that she missed her best friend, and in the end everything would work out for the best.

 

It wasn't much, but it still lets me know she's thinking, and getting to have some time to herself to think or what not. I'm so down and out about all this. This is the girl I've put in so much time, effort, and love into. I want so badly to spend the rest of my life with her. And I know it's so cliche, but she is my best friend, it's just that apparently somewhere along the way, we let life get to us, and we became living partners instead of lovers.

 

I'm respecting her decision to get the no contact, and I'll gladly stand by that. But what do you all think? Will she come around? How long? What do I do? What has happened? Before I left, she said she knows she'll miss her best friend, but she wants to know that she misses her future husband. Or if she just likes to be alone. She is VERY independent and very strong minded. So the fact of settling down and being with someone forever, I believe is a scary thought for her. Especially since she believes she has jumped from relationship to relationship, and never really gotten to know herself. Before I left, I told her I loved her and that we were worth this. She said she loved me too and that she knows we are. I'm confused. Hurt. Miserable. And just despearte for some ansers and opinions. Any guys been through anything like this? Any girls can you relate? I'm willing to give her time, I just want to know it'll work out. I'm okay with losing her for a while, but I don't want to lose her forever.

[Am313]

If she wants time, give her eternity. If she wants space, give her the universe.

 

If she calls, ignore it. If she texts, ignore it. If she emails, ignore it. She wants to miss you? Well, the only way she'll miss you at this point is if you don't exist for her.

 

All the calling she's doing is because it makes it easier for her. She feels the sting of breaking up, and she doesn't want to. It's not a conscious act, but that's exactly how it is. She WILL NOT miss you of you're there for her. If you don't want to be rude about it, just tell her you're busy and leave it alone.

 

Get your life back together. Find a job, be with friends, get a hobby. Enjoy yourself as best you can whenever you can. Don't force it, but force yourself to do things that might make you happy.

 

And for the love of God, if you have a Facebook, get rid of it, or at the very least get her off your friends list.

 

You will LOSE your mind with all the questions. Take my word for it, you don't want that.

 

If she wants you back, it needs to be on your terms. She needs to SEEK you out. And be warned, if you two do start back up again, things may unravel very quickly and you'll be in a worse position than when you started.

Edited August 25, 2012 by Am313

[blue_jay_bird]

Well i don't have advise, but i'm in the same situation as you. I dated my boyfriend since i was 17. We never had big problems, and started off deeply in love. Seven years later, we are both 25 and everyone is asking when are we getting married. I never liked to talk about it with him, cause i was worried it scare him away. We would both use words like "If" we get married. We would talk about are kid's names, and how we would travel in the summer. BUT all in the air.

 

During BU, he said. I'm not happy. That Im not independent/ he is. That we want different things. Kind of sound's like your relationship.

 

Whenever i hear people try to compare and contrast there relationship experiences with mine i think " But my relationship with my ex was special, it's different" BUT

 

I just want to point out that in order to better understand this situation you have to put you love aside and look at the problems of your relationship.

 

1) Communication is poor.

 

2) She does not know who she is. Do you know who you are?

 

3) You are not as independent.

 

These big problems that have to be addressed. And these are problem's you can't address as a couple. These are deep personal questions.

 

Give her space. GIVE yourself space. But remember their is no Crystal ball i can pull out and say it will work out. Cause, chances are it won't. And you have to be okay with that. You have to become a stronger person that with or without your ex is amazing. You can't grow as a person, if all you do is think about your ex. The first step is healing is accepting it's over. all this will take time, feeling strong about yourself without her, is a big big step. Don't be hard on yourself. And don't for a moment think about how some day, she will be back, some day, we can try. This will trap you and you will be unable to move. You will be stilling in your rocking chair waiting for her to come back. Remove the spider web's from the chair and start working out your mind. The mind that say's "it is her loss" " I am strong" " I have so much going for me."

Edited August 25, 2012 by blue_jay_bird

[Layne]

Thanks for the quick responses guys. Is there anyone who thinks that there's anything worth salvaging after 7 years? Just because she feels she needs alone time? Or is it all down the drain?

[oracle]

Thanks for the quick responses guys. Is there anyone who thinks that there's anything worth salvaging after 7 years? Just because she feels she needs alone time? Or is it all down the drain?

 

Don't let it become 10 or 13 years down the drain. Keep walking and don't look back.

 

From what you painted it sounds like she will be nothing but a black hole. Life is to short to give your energy to a situation that doesn't pay it back.

 

If you haven't already. Read my thread at the top of the section.

 

Hang in there

[Am313]

What's important is whether or not you think it's worth salvaging. You still love her and want to be with her, BUT if she wanted to be with you she would be. Whatever her reasons, she doesn't.

 

Time and space, brother. Time and space. Live the single life for awhile, and you will get a different perspective.

[Hobbit]

I'm in the exact same boat mate. 7 years and now she wants to discover herself again. Sucks but give her space. That's what I'm doing. Some of the advice on this fourm has really helped me

[Layne]

Space and time. I know that's what this calls for. And like I said, I'm giving it. Since the break up, last Wednesday, I have only spoken to her twice. Once the day after because she called, and that Sunday because she wanted to drop off some shirts I left in the dryer. Tomorrow will make a full week of complete no contact. Nothing about this thought it would be quick, but I just wish I understood her more. This is someone who I thought I knew like the back of my hand. Now I feel like she is a stranger.

 

Hobbit: I hate it for you man. I feel your pain. How long have you guys been split?

[blue_jay_bird]

Space and time. I know that's what this calls for. And like I said, I'm giving it. Since the break up, last Wednesday, I have only spoken to her twice. Once the day after because she called, and that Sunday because she wanted to drop off some shirts I left in the dryer. Tomorrow will make a full week of complete no contact. Nothing about this thought it would be quick, but I just wish I understood her more. This is someone who I thought I knew like the back of my hand. Now I feel like she is a stranger.

 

Hobbit: I hate it for you man. I feel your pain. How long have you guys been split?

 

You may never fully get a straight answer from her. Even if you got a straight answering would you accept it. You are so in love with her, you perception is warped.

[Mike_d]

there's that old country song that goes "how can I miss you when you won't go away"

[birdyJ]

blue_jay_bird is right, even if you did get a straight answer would you accept it? Would you feel like you understood her more? You wouldn't. Your mind would always find something else to question. Believe me.

 

My ex left me after 7 years too, it has been one of the hardest thing I've ever gone through but I have found strength in myself I never knew I had. That was 6 months ago.

 

You ask is there anything to salvage. Probably, 7 years is quite likely filled with great memories and a good foundation. But do you really want to pick through the best bits when you know yourself there are bigger issues that need to be dealt with? Don't ignore them.

 

I'll have moments thinking about him and all the wonderful things and memories we share and then I remember the rest of it and the reasons why I decided to finally let him go. I didn't want to let him go, no way, but I decided to give myself the chance to have a different perspective on our relationship and my life and I can tell you I've sure as hell got it now.

 

I have finally learned you can never change anyone except yourself. Dont waste your time trying. Their issues in life are theirs and theirs alone. As are yours. People say this all the time on this forum but you never really understand it until you get that perspective.

 

We can all focus on the best parts of something and be blinded, I was! Have the courage to take off those rose tinted specs and see the situation for what it is. Only time will help you do this.

 

It is by no means easy, today infact I have just been thinking about my ex and how I put in 7 years worth of time, effort and unconditional love and why the new girl gets everything I think I was worth. This makes me feel really really sad. But that moment of thought passes and I remember I've made my life so much better now and that I'm worth more than what I got from him. You are too.

 

There will come a day you won't have to try so hard to convince yourself that our advice is true because one day you'll really believe it.