My boyfriend loses it for a pretty face when we're in public

August 24, 2012

My boyfriend of about 1 year is the perfect guy for me. He has literally and figuratively saved my life and treats me like gold.

The problem is that he is easily "googly-eyed" over pretty girls. And it's not in a "wow she's hot" kind of way, it's in a curious, interested kind of way.

We had issues with this at the beginning, with him giving way too much attention to attractive females in social situations. Running up and hugging them, being super excited to talk to them, even when they aren't returning his excitement. He is also doing it in a really friendly, nice guy kind of way- not a flirty way. In pick up/game talk, he acts like a huge "beta" so basically, these girls know he is blown away by their beauty but they are not attracted to him. It's like he is under a spell. It's really embarrassing and hurtful for me.

Being the amazing guy that he is, he has acknowledged his behavior when I talked to him about it. He actually has sought therapy over it and the therapist explained that he has this problem because he was raised by a depressed and absent mother in a very religious home. He is aware of this problem, hates when it happens, feels powerless to stop it and is committed to ending it.

While he is committed to working on it though, it's still there. Today, he went all googly over some chick he's been talking to on a health forum- pure business, we both assumed she was fat and old. But she recently posted a picture and WOW he was googly.

She has the particular look that always does it for him which is completely OPPOSITE of how I look (I am very attractive as well, though). Although he has told me numerous times that I am the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, showered me with compliments etc etc.. I am starting to wonder if I can deal with this.

It's just ridiculous. It's like a girl with a face that looks a particular way is a saint in his eyes, even if she barely gives him the time of day.

I have eyes for noone but him. But now I am starting to feel like maybe if I had more male friends or some other guy in my periphery, I would feel like the scales are balanced more.

We have had this talk round and round and round again so there's no point in rehashing it.

I am also receiving therapy for issues that I have that are also related to how I react in these situations. It doesn't mean that what he is doing is acceptable though.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to be with him, but it kills me a little everytime this happens to the point where I am starting to loathe social situations where there might be a pretty girl.

What do I do?

Please help. Thanks

August 24, 2012

When it comes to issues like this it's a matter of respect...If he cannot respect the relationship by instituting some self-control then he simply doesn't have the desire and motivation to stop.

I think he likes and enjoys reacting this way too much...he just feels bad about how it makes you feel, but didn't he act this way towards you...didn't he make you feel like the center of the universe with an overwhelming amount of attention? because he seems like the type of guy and you seemed like the type of girl who needed that from a man at the time...however as you become more aware of the relationship and it's boundaries you may notice that this is more than way he is than just the way he is with you.

I know that's a threatening statement...but this guy seems to be triggered by attractive women and you say you are attractive yourself...so it doesn't take much to associate his behavior with those easy to connect dots, even though I know emotionally you want to feel special and an exception above all other women...but you have to wonder If it he acts like this with just women who are friends or hardly acquaintances then how exclusive can you really feel?

If he can't focus that energy on you and invest completely in the current relationship I don't see how this addiction type behavior won't eventually lead him to cheating or at least infringing upon the respect of your relationship. You're lucky he's a Beta type of guy and wasn't so obvious and transparent to these women or he'd probably have a few women interested in him back.

Regardless...him going to therapy is also useless if he doesn't really want to change and I believe that he will swear up and down that he does but i think his actions will continue on until he decides It's not something he finds worthwhile an fulfilling and I genuinely don't believe he wants to stop...I think he loves the exhilaration of how he feel just to be around these women, i think the question really is why does he do this even around you? that must be extremely embarrassing and hurtful to you, and he look shameless...these women must feel sorry for you that he does this with that know he's in a relationship.

I don't realistically think you can do anything about this other than to really accept this If you want to be in a relationship with him. I'm sure you tried everything and he realizes how much this bothers you. You can keep going around in circles all day and become upset but i doubt it'll make the least a bit of difference if not exacerbate the issue. Instead of condemning him for what he does try and support him through it, make him develop a sense of guilt and realization for what he's doing...putting your personal emotions aside which is more of a therapist than a GF but sometimes support is what people need more than anything...trying to understand him and why he does this, it sounds crappy but the more you resent him for this the more separation you'll create in the relationship and then it becomes a divide..you want him to magically change to become perfect right? but instead the reality is this is a real problem for him..so unless you want to move on then you might as well trying figuring it out together, or turning a blind eye..since most women will insist on staying, however "hope" IMO isn't going to do you much good, see the real person not the potential of what you want him to be.

August 25, 2012

It sounds to me like a lot of this is your own insecurity. You say these women look opposite you, so is this triggering some kind of feeling of not being good enough within you?

I absolutely think he needs to stop doing it - don't get me wrong. As ninja said, it's disrespectful.

But I think it is in your best interest to really think about your reaction and what you are feeling when it happens, and to challenge what you are feeling to determine if there is really a reason to feel that way.

August 25, 2012

Ninja is dead on about on about one thing.

I am an introverted person who didn't receive much attention as a child. When he turned that attention on me, I completely ate it up. It felt great.

I couldn't get over how he looked at me like I was the most interesting thing he'd ever seen and paid epic amount of attention to me.

Later I realized that he did that to ALL pretty girls. The thing is he actually DOESN'T realize that he is doing it. He really doesn't and you can tell from witnessing it. Like I said, it's like he's under a spell. The therapist says it has to do with survival instincts in childhood etc etc we are both into psychology and

we both know why he acts like this.

I have social survival tactics that are detrimental to my relationships that I learned in childhood as well.

Pteromom yes there is some insecurity there on my part, definitely. It sucks to be the center of the universe until someone else pretty comes along. I grew up in a single parent family and my mom would kick me out of the house whenever her boyfriend came over. I have issues around this that affect my reactions that I need to work on too.

There is absolutely no way that I can be prettier, skinnier, smarter, younger and funnier than everyone everywhere we go for eternity and I will definitely not try. I am awesome in my own ways.

No relationship is perfect and it's not like he is doing anything else like trying to get their numbers or whatever. It's nothing like that.

And yeah, it's embarrassing to me that they probably feel sorry for me with him acting like that. I've explained that to him, how it makes me feel and how it looks to other people and he almost started crying.

The fact that he acknowledges is and is actively working on it is what is making all the difference.

oh and ps when I met his parents for the first time, his dad got all googly over me in the exact same way...!!!

crazy

Thanks so much to you both for your words. They are well considered. Further input welcome!! Thankyou

Edited August 25, 2012 by kookybunny

August 26, 2012

committed to ending it.

What do I do?

YOU should "commit to ending it".

Stop being his enabler.

This guy sounds like that goofy guy in your school who was a little touched, and who respected few if any personal boundaries. And now here you are dating that guy.

It is difficult to tell who has the problem in your story.

August 26, 2012

"My boyfriend of about 1 year is the perfect guy for me"

hes obviously not perfect. his behaviour is unacceptable for most girls. why you tolerating it?

August 27, 2012

WOW. You are amazingly tolerant. If I had a boyfriend who did that on a consistent basis I would be like "umm hello???? Over here... That's right... And now that I've finally got your attention, see ya later!"

I would absolutely not put up with that BS but the way I deal with things is very skewed because of my occupation... kudos to you for being so understanding.

I have to ask though... you say that he's "really" trying.... but really? How can somebody be SO unaware of themselves? Particularly when you've pointed out their behavior under very specific circumstances. It's not ambiguous in the slightest, so I don't know why he can't just stop "running up and hugging them and being super excited to talk to them." Either your boyfriend is dumb or he just doesn't give a ****, enough, to stop his behavior.

Edited August 27, 2012 by prettylittlethings

August 27, 2012

At most he's going to stop being obvious about it to appease your self esteem issues, people don't stop noticing hot people once they're in a relationship no matter how much you want them to.

August 27, 2012

At most he's going to stop being obvious about it to appease your self esteem issues, people don't stop noticing hot people once they're in a relationship no matter how much you want them to.

Umm yeah!! And that's exactly what he should be doing... "at most" seems to be way too much for this genius. At MOST he can stop drooling over every pretty looking girl he sees and he can stop running up to them, being excited to talk to them and being really friendly. All of that is so inappropriate and unnecessary. It's not that hard to think, okay, pretty girl alert, do not act like an idiot like I always do... Most people have subconscious or conscious coping mechanisms for inappropriate or politically incorrect social behavior.

Some of the people I have to deal with on a daily basis are absolute idiots and truly, complete *******s. My gut reaction, is god this person is a complete monkey, but do I exert how I feel? No, and most people have that ability.

August 27, 2012

some of these responses are scaring me. i am trying to wonder if i misrepresented him in my post or if i am living with blinders on. i do have a way of exaggerating things sometimes for comedic effect. ..?

i am going to stop and think of the last time he did this and write about what happened here.

you guys are harsh!!

August 27, 2012

Hey there....

Look, my partner totally loves attractive women; he admitted that he always gets such a warm feeling whe he sees a beautiful women. He even has a look at some of them while we are together; the thing with him, is that IT IS NOT OBVIOUS, and I would not notice him doing it AT ALL, if it were not for the fact I SEE the girl myself first! Then I KNOW he will probably be looking at her , and he normally tells me he did, when I ask.....

Loving hot girls and making it blatantly obvous he checks them out is bad enough ( I would not put up with it if a partner was OBVIOUS about it and acted like they are some godly creatures JUST because their pretty)

The fact he makes it obvious AND goes over and acts nicer to them and gives them obvious prefered treatment, above the treatment he gives normal, un pretty people..... is telling.

Without knowing him well, it is hard to tell if he is still really into YOU; meaning, even with the RIGHT girl, he may STILL have this unhealthy adoration of hot women.

On the other hand, he may really like you and care about you, yet your just not the right people for one another, hence he looks very much at other beautiful people....

At the end of the day, people on here do not KNOW him, and can only go by what you have said; he could very well shower you with plenty of love and attention, and make it very clear your the only girl for him, in real life.... His obsession with these girls may just be an unhealthy part of HIM, and not a reflection of the fact that your not the one for him

AllI can say is, that I have a boyfriend who also admitted he really likes looking at attractive women, yet still does NOT: make it obvious he checks them out and: is not that obsessed with them to begin with!

I asked him what he thinks about hot girls, and he sais " I just look, see a hot girl, and think wow she's nice to look at, then I move on fast. It is only superficial, it is not like I think about it a lot"

He even sometimes askes ME of my opinion! Askes me " do you think she is very fit looking? or he will tell ME that " wow, she is so slim and fit like you Leigh, I love girls who work out a lot"

I would say he only comments 5% of the time or less though! Because he never looks or pays much attention to hot girls to begin with.

I am sure a lot of people on here are in my boat: have a parter that really likes attractive women, yet does not make it obvious he is checking them out.

August 27, 2012

And what I think you should do, is to communicate ONE last time to him: because he WILL do it again, and there WILL be a time where it really, really bothers you and hinders you from fully enjoying the relationship in general.

I would explain to him that " look, if you do not get a handle on your issue with obsessing with hot girls, I am not going to be able to stay with you long term. Your actions stop me from fully believing that I am the right girl for you, and it stops me from enjoying the relationship as a whole. I really love you, so it sucks, but long term I would be happier alone than witha guy who makes me this upset"

He NEEDS to know and hear from you that while you wish you could work out, that it is a little hard to envision a future with a guy who upsets you and who you cannot 100% enjoy a relationship with.

If it is 99% of the time otherwise wonderful in your relationship, maybe if he committed to therapy, he would change. NINJAINPYGAMAS states that he is doubtful your bf will do therapy... but if he is interested in keeping you around, he WILL..

Unless your too weak and stick around with him regardless of his behaviour; in which case you will never be truly happy in the relationship, and only be living in a " semi/half heartes" relationship, the sort where you wish you were totally happy, but there is always a part of you that doubts his total love for you, and you can never enjoy the relationship to its fullest potential.

Look, it is hard to leave a guy you really like and care about, but later down the track, you will be miserable on a daily basis, and you will surely NOT be that happy as a person, if you do continue with a guy that behaves like this.

it may be easier for you to stick around in the short term, to avoid inevitable heartbreak, yet you will be unhappy in the long term if you stay with him, unchanged....

August 27, 2012

And yeah, it's embarrassing to me that they probably feel sorry for me with him acting like that.

I think a lot of this depends on how you are acting about it. If you are sitting over in the corner pouting or looking angry, then yeh, they'll feel sorry for you. But if you are interacting with people too and joking and laughing, they will think you guys are just very secure in your relationship.

Actually - giving him a dose of his own medicine when you see a hot guy may not be a bad idea. Let him see what it feels like.

August 27, 2012

I think a lot of this depends on how you are acting about it. If you are sitting over in the corner pouting or looking angry, then yeh, they'll feel sorry for you. But if you are interacting with people too and joking and laughing, they will think you guys are just very secure in your relationship.

Actually - giving him a dose of his own medicine when you see a hot guy may not be a bad idea. Let him see what it feels like.

LOL^^^^ MY bf caught me looking at hot, topless men once, and was like " wa wa wa Leigh I don't like you doing that:( aww I feel bad now boo hoo wa wa "

he tried to feedmy b/s about " being a guy, iti snatural for guys to look at hot girls" but i firmly put him in his place, saying GIRLS AND GUYS ARE THE SAME, DONOT feed me the " it isnatural for guys to looK nonsence!

He soon shut up and agreed with me and never made that excuse again:rolleyes: And looked a little embarrassed about his slly theory on " men":laugh:

We both agreed that it is to be expected that we BOTH check out attractive people occasionally, just not all the time, and in a way that is hurtful and obvious to the other.

August 28, 2012

I think a lot of this depends on how you are acting about it. If you are sitting over in the corner pouting or looking angry, then yeh, they'll feel sorry for you. But if you are interacting with people too and joking and laughing, they will think you guys are just very secure in your relationship.

Actually - giving him a dose of his own medicine when you see a hot guy may not be a bad idea. Let him see what it feels like.

i will flat out ignore him and talk with other people or whatever. it's bad enough to me that these girls feel like they have him on leash, they aren't going to get the satisfaction of a reaction out of me as well.

August 28, 2012

we talked about it further tonight.

he had this same problem with his last girlfriend. has nothing to do with me. he agrees that he would do this regardless of who he was with. he's highly embarassed by it. he has a new appointment with his therapist.

we are perfect in every other way and we have a great relationship. best friends and so supportive of one another.

i can't lie though, i am tempted to give him a taste of his own medicine. the truth is, there aren't that many attractive men where we are from and my boyfriend is very good looking.

August 28, 2012

we talked about it further tonight.

he had this same problem with his last girlfriend. has nothing to do with me. he agrees that he would do this regardless of who he was with. he's highly embarassed by it. he has a new appointment with his therapist.

we are perfect in every other way and we have a great relationship. best friends and so supportive of one another.

I am having difficulty even imagining a grown up man who is rendered unable to control himself because he sees a pretty face. I don't think an appointment with a therapist is going to help him. Maybe some self-discipline?

I mean … running up and hugging them?? Because they are pretty?

Why hasn't anyone kneed him in the groin yet?

August 28, 2012

shoul clarify... these are not random women. they are "friends" more like friendly aquaintances at his gym. he does this at the gym and at social gatherings where these girls are present.

August 28, 2012

i'm not an enabler who makes excuses for her man...the fact that he gets flustered and activated by a pretty face has a psychological base in how his nervous system developed as a child based on his interaction with his mother.

however, we have discussed that there are behaviors that he can modify when he starts feeling nutso.

its like trying to tell a shy person to just stop being shy. doesn't work like that i'm afraid.

August 28, 2012

i'm not an enabler who makes excuses for her man...the fact that he gets flustered and activated by a pretty face has a psychological base in how his nervous system developed as a child based on his interaction with his mother.

"Activated"? I think there is too much pseudo psychology going on here. You are describing a lack of impulse control, which is a behavior problem. Does he have Tourette's Syndrome? Sounds like it, or else it sounds like he's pretty much an ass.

its like trying to tell a shy person to just stop being shy. doesn't work like that i'm afraid.

No, it's not. It's not like telling someone to stop "being" anything. It's telling someone (or, should be a person telling themselves) to stop BEHAVING some way.

Really. If this guy needs special emergency appointments with his therapist in order to refrain from acting like pretty girls have him on a leash when he is out with YOU, I think it's a lost cause.

August 28, 2012

i'm not an enabler who makes excuses for her man...the fact that he gets flustered and activated by a pretty face has a psychological base in how his nervous system developed as a child based on his interaction with his mother.

however, we have discussed that there are behaviors that he can modify when he starts feeling nutso.

its like trying to tell a shy person to just stop being shy. doesn't work like that i'm afraid.

Yeah....no. It's not like that at all.

I am very shy. But you'd never know it to look at me. Especially when I'm standing up in a lecture hall of people and making a presentation.

You can be shy and not ACT shy.

With that said, he is more than capable of being enamored with a pretty face....without acting like a baffoon about it. He IS capable and he doesn't need 'therapy' to do this. He just hasn't experienced any negative (To him) consequences to his behavior. The fact that this hurts you is not a big enough motivator.

Think about that for a second.

The fact that this hurts you is a not a big enough motivator for him to change his behavior.

That right there should tell you everything you need to know about your boyfriend.

August 28, 2012

well F@#$%.

THANKS LOVESHACKERS!!!

I AM ON MY WAY TO BREAK UP WITH MY POS, WORTHLESS CAD @hole OF A BOYFRIEND!!

I HAVE BEEN SO BLIND! THANK GOD FOR THIS QUICK TO JUDGE FORUM OF BITTER PEOPLE!!:):)

HAVE A NICE DAY!

August 28, 2012

ugh. the truth hurts. i am really really pissed.

other than that problem, we have an ideal relationship. you are not going to meet a perfect partner in life EVER. the ones worth staying with are the people who acknowledge their faults and make an effort to work on them.

August 28, 2012

I'm sorry you didn't hear what you wanted to hear.

August 28, 2012

Yeah....no. It's not like that at all.

I am very shy. But you'd never know it to look at me. Especially when I'm standing up in a lecture hall of people and making a presentation.

You can be shy and not ACT shy.

With that said, he is more than capable of being enamored with a pretty face....without acting like a baffoon about it. He IS capable and he doesn't need 'therapy' to do this. He just hasn't experienced any negative (To him) consequences to his behavior. The fact that this hurts you is not a big enough motivator.

Think about that for a second.

The fact that this hurts you is a not a big enough motivator for him to change his behavior.

That right there should tell you everything you need to know about your boyfriend.

I'm like this too.

Being shy means that you are afraid of showing your inner self, afraid of rejection ... you make it bigger than you believe it is.

So you either allow your external self to be the same or you build a shell around your inner self.

And you push outside that shell everything you are ok with ppl to see.

Someone watching from the outside thinks that you are a very self-confident person.

The truth is that you are in reality extremely shy and it takes a lot of trust to let outsiders in full view of your core self.

I'm 29, up to now only 1 person even got somewhat close.

---

OP, do all of these girls look similar ?

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My boyfriend loses it for a pretty face when we're in public

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